New Phobias of 2006 Edition

[Neil D]

[:"blue"] And now, for your reading pleasure, some political levity....Enjoy.. [/]

by RS Janes

May 30, 2006 at 7:50 am Pacific

Algoreophobia: The fear of running for president again and losing to Jeb Bush this time.

Blairophobia: The fear that you won’t leap high enough when told to jump.

Britneyphobia: The fear of being stupid, pregnant and washed-up in your thirties.

Bruckheimerphobia: The fear that there aren’t enough explosions and gunfire in your films to obscure the weak plots.

Bushophobia: The fear of having your job cut into your vacation time.

Cheneyphobia: The fear of telling the truth when moving your lips.

Chertoffophobia: The fear of a hurricane cleaning out your desk at Homeland Security.

Condoleezaphobia: The fear that, no matter how many oil tankers they name after you, you are still just one of very few raisins in the Republican sun. (See also Powellophobia.)

Coulterphobia: The fear that, after reading your books or seeing you on TV, Americans might be reinforced in their belief that blondes really are dumb and self-centered.

Coltraneophobia: The fear that Kenny G will lamely cover every song you ever played and make a fortune.

Crawfordophobia: The fear that supermodel Cindy might attempt to act in another film. It is also the fear of Bush leaving his ranch to do his ‘job.’

Demophobia: The fear that a stiff blast of hot air might blow you away.

Disneyphobia: The fear of running out of copyright-free material to exploit.

Enronophobia: The fear that you may have missed some way to screw the peons before you were caught.

Falwellophobia: The fear that there really is a Christian God.

Gossophobia: The fear that someone you work with may hold a different opinion than you.

Kingophobia: The fear of running out of celebrity asses to kiss.

Lenophobia: The fear of forgetting to extravagantly praise any mediocre performer, movie, TV show or CD that comes your way.

Lettermanophobia: The fear of getting too old to be hip and too much of a show-biz whore to be believably sarcastic.

Haydenphobia: The fear of suddenly going electronically blind and deaf.

Hillaryphobia: The fear that it might take more than money to win.

Hollywoodophobia: The fear that, one day, like, no one will care anymore.

McCainophobia: The fear that the crowd will turn their back on you, except for the crazy whities on the right.

McLaughlinophobia: The fear that Eleanor Clift might show up one day with a loaded handgun.

Oprahphobia: The fear of taking your own advice, girl.

O’Reillyphobia: The fear that a guest might poke a hole in one of your overinflated opinions and you’d fly around the studio like a punctured gas bag, making rude farting noises while fetid hot air rushes out and the stage crew heads for the exits, holding their noses.

Powellophobia: The fear of being the only black face at your own party.

Republicanophoia: The fear that the people are catching on.

Roveopohobia: The fear that it will be impossible to make a sow’s ear into a silk purse once again in 2006, no matter what distractions you concoct.

Rumsfeldophobia: The fear that you are as just as incompetent as everyone thinks you are.

Scaliaphobia: The fear that it might be discovered that you’ve only read the Cliff Notes version of the US Constitution.

Stewartophobia: The fear that your satirical readings of the news are becoming the laughable realities of the times.

Thomasophobia: The fear that the Supreme Court might decide to outlaw porn entirely over your sole dissenting vote.

Zahnophobia: The fear that hair dye and whitening toothpaste might shoot up in price.

Zappaphobia: The fear that, one day, your songs will be used as background music in cream cheese commercials.