Things a Man Should Know: About Fatherhood

[Amelia]

Things a Man Should Know: About Fatherhood

MSN.com/Lifestyles

* Don't worry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either.

* Second thought, maybe you should worry.

* No, no--not that Spock!

* Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.

* Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity.

For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.

Then, a referee.

And finally, a bank.

* You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't.

Unless you wear them a lot.

* Annals of great punishments: Hang dolly from a noose!

That was a joke, Dad, a joke.

Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.

You see, all great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform.

* Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.

* The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's foreshadowing.

* When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle.

* Never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great distances.

* The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.

* You are under no obligation to tell children the truth.

Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: "Oh, that tree? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course."

On the other hand, they do remember everything.

* There is only one reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.

* No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.

Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach them a little responsibility!

* The twos aren't always terrible.

Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them.

How scary is that?

* Establishing savings accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan.

The above could prove useful in your dotage

* Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great.

* Never turn down an invitation to play.

* You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather.

* If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.