Marriage: Battle for Control

[Dr. Shane]

Her Turn

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"My husband is a loose cannon," said Meg, 49, a physical therapist in Philadelphia who has been married for six years to a successful accountant. "Norman speaks his mind about everything -- and he doesn't mince words. If we're at dinner with friends, he'll challenge their political beliefs in a condescending tone. If he doesn't like the food, he'll make his dissatisfaction known to everyone within earshot.

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His Turn

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"Am I an ogre because I speak my mind?" asked Norman, 53. "If I offer my opinion, I expect my sparring partners to offer theirs in return. If we disagree, I don't take it personally. It's just an intellectual exercise in which we put forth our respective views. The fact that my wife's best friend's husband may not agree with me on federal tax cuts, the food at a new restaurant or the Philadelphia Eagles' defensive line is no reason for me to be mute. Small talk isn't my thing. I enjoy lively debate. Meg should accept me and stop taking everything so personally -- and assuming our friends do, too. If they hated my supposedly brutish behavior as much as Meg thinks they do, they would have abandoned us long ago.

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The Counselor's Turn

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"Many couples come to counseling believing they have a multitude of problems," the counselor said. "Often it's actually one specific problem that has penetrated into several areas of the marriage. That was true for Meg and Norman. Meg was angry with her husband for his outbursts, poor grooming, sloppiness around the house and stubborn refusal to change. Norman was angry with his wife for trying to censor his comments, nagging him about his appearance and rejecting him sexually. But it soon became clear that the major underlying problem was a battle for control.

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"Overcoming a control struggle begins with understanding its source. For Meg and Norman it started in childhood. Meg's mother was a classic micromanager who badgered her daughter about her clothes, hygiene and friends. Though she loathed these tendencies, Meg unwittingly repeated them in her efforts to control Norman. Indeed, she fixated on his perceived flaws -- his outbursts, appearance and laissez-faire attitude about household order -- in the same way that her mother had fixated on hers.

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[cricket]

The battle for control (though there are many, many other names for this battle) is a battle that is true in all relationships--not just marriage.

Ultimately, it is a quest for love and recognition of worthiness.

Guess who started the battle.

[Dr. Shane]

Many people do have control issues and these issues certainly extend beyond their marriage. That becomes a topic all by itself.

One of the ways I have been able to avoid a lot of tension in my home is to not try and control my spouse. And when she tries to control me, situations tend to get a little tense. A marriage is made up of two individuals. They choose to join together and start a family because of their love for one another. The idea is for them both to serve each other, not control each other. I often ask myself how can I serve, not control.

[Bravus]

Relinquishing the ambition for control - 'preferring others over yourself' - and recognising that both win when each is trying to have the other win, and both lose when each is trying to have him/herself win... seems to be working OK for us so far.

[olger]

Good points.

As a counselor, I hear a lot of surface issues when couples come in. The solution is to find the core issue, and not focus on surface things.

As some of you have indicated, the desire to control others is a spiritual issue that must be repented of in order to get free. It is the sin of pride.

Here is where reality sets in. Secular counseling cannot resolve spiritual issues, they must be yielded to the Lord for freedom.

btw, 90% of children will marry their worst parent if they don't resolve their issues.

"Norman" may also have an intellectually locked heart, I don't know enough about him yet. Meg may have some bitterness too. That is where I would check on Monday. Asking people to list those who have hurt them in life can help open up areas of unresolved pain in their heart. The solution is to release those who have hurt us as Christ has forgiven us.

Shane you made a statement about self abuse on tuesday that I would like to understand. You can PM me if you would rather discuss it privately Thanks for the thread,

gcw

[Amelia]

My almost ex is a micro mgr type and really drove me nuts. Everything had to be his way. Only he would say that he wasn't being controlling just right. Arg! <img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/icon_smile_sick.gif" alt="" />

[Amelia]

[]http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bl/2006/bl060831.gif[/]

[Nan]

And the joy of my situation is that while I would have felt like that cartoon about the ex, I have never felt that way about Sammy....so maybe we is doin' OK!!

Hopefully maturity (maybe over ripeness in our cases) brings the opportunity to let the other be their own person.

[LifeHiscost]

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Nan said:

Hopefully maturity (maybe over ripeness in our cases) brings the opportunity to let the other be their own person.

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<img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/amen2.gif" alt="" />

And not becoming angry when being "their own person" causes us an inconvenience.

[:"red"] "Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

Love never fails [/] 1 Cor 13:4-8 AMP

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