Pirate talk thread

[Naomi]

Pam trying to speak "piratese" to her mammogram patients:

"Okay, my little wenchling, let's go ahead and hoist your petards!"

I can visualize it ... Shivermetimbers! Bring that scalliwag, called Pam, out and make her walk the plank!

[Neil D]

Wild Celtic Rose’s Guide to Wenchliness…

Eight "pieces of eight" for wanna be wenches

Ladies, are ye frustrated sortin' through guides on how to be a pirate that are all written for and by men who don't understand the challenges of bein' a pirate wench?

Honestly, how can a man understand the challenges of lacing up a corset, fighting off unwanted advances from drunken lubbers or sword fightin' in high heeled boots?

Are ye tried of being considered no more than 'eye candy' by those not fit to swab yer poop deck nor suck yer bilge?

do ye want to be captain of your own ship and to sail yer own course?

Of course ye do.

That's why the Wild Celtic Rose, 'certified' wench, has written this guide just fer ye! (look for me book from Buccaneer Publishing next spring)

Chapter 1 - Be your own wench. (make yer own rules)

First and foremost, ye are not merely 'arm candy' for a pirate (unless ye choose to be because it pleases ye or gets you some shiny things). Ye are yer own wench; and as such, ye make yer own rules (if ye choose to play by any at all) Heck, make the rules for your pirates and cabin boys too, and enforce them by whatever means necessary.

Chapter 2 - how to show off your assets (there's more than one kind of treasure chest)

Just because we not be merely 'eye candy' does not mean that a wench shouldn't show off her assets.

If ye've got it, flaunt it. If ye don't have it, flaunt it anyway and dare anyone to say different.

Those who be blessed with ample curves can push up yer treasure chest with corsets and bustiers. Those who are built for speed or fightin' rather than comfort, can drive any man wild by wearing fishnet hose and high heeled thigh high boots. (these things will often get you shinies)

The points is to feel like the sea goddess ye are and be proud of it!

They're be nothin' more powerful than a wench who looks and feels good and knows it!

Chapter 3 - Choosing yer mascot (or the dangers of flying monkey poo)

It is important to give careful thought to yer choice of mascot. A mascot is not a mere pet, but a partner and friend that can save yer life or at least keep ye from getting bored to tears on long voyages. (or bad dates)

Parrots be the most common mascots shown with pirates, I don't personally recommend them as I don't much care for bird poop on me bodice or the mess they make when molting; another fact is that they don't tend to live long in a drafty area, which leaves a pirate ship out. (unless ye be lucky enough to anchor in Jamaica year round) And the most important reason? Why be a stereotype? Get creative.

Many a fine piratess chooses a monkey for her mascot. Monkeys can be very useful in a number of situations. They can pick the pockets of scallywags carrying shiny things while ye distract them. They can dance and amuse ye, and in a fight, they can bite, claw, and as we learned recently in a battle aboard our ship, can fling monkey poo in the eyes of yer opponents thus turning the tide of a battle.

Do not limit yerself to mascots that popular culture says are 'pirate' (what do lubbers know anyway?) I keep a large, longhaired black cat with Amber eyes in me cabin. (a gift from an admirer in a far off exotic port) She's soft, cuddly and makes pleasin' noises. She also keeps the bilge rats at bay.

I know another wench who keeps a rabbit, and one with a one legged duck.

Be creative.

Chapter 4 - Pirate lingo (a little goes a long way)

A few Ayes, Arrrrs, and references to plundering, pillaging and keelhaulin';, as well as a good working knowledge of all things maritime and nautical are a great way to color yer language and image.

But a little goes a long way!

Too many bizarre contractions and intentional misspellings just make a wench look';common' and 'uneducated'. A real pirate wench be neither of these things. Do not let yerself be confused with a common bar wench.

Being able to insult an opponent (with class and style) without them even understanding said insult is the mark of a fine pirate wench. Ye know ye've done well when yer victim be standin'there scratchin' the backside of their britches, realizing that they have been insulted but not knowing exactly how. (best in a crowded tavern)

Chapter 5 - Humor is vital (again, don't overdo it)

Humor, (preferably at the expense of others), be an important part of priate wenchery. It be all about the adventure and fun, (and poking fun) in which a quick wit is vital.

There be a fine line between humor and appearing to be a silly ninny with nothing of importance to say. Save yer good lines for exactly the right moment and deliver them with gusto. Then let yer admiers buy ye a drink (or two or three or...) once they're done spittin their's out their noses.

Chapter 6 - humiliating yer enemy is better than bloodshed (how not to get blood on yer bodice)

Aye, I had a young lad try to impress me with his swordplay while I was tryin' to enjoy an ale. I did not appreciate his blade being waived in me face (it could have caused me to spill me drink). Did I scream? Did I Yell? Did I pick up my sword, run him through and create an ugly mess? Nay, I distracted him, took his sword from him and smacked him soundly on the arse with it.

Ah, the humiliation of a cocky young lad (he was too young to do anything else with) is much more satisfying than can be described here. Twas no one who would challenge the Wild Celtic Rose after that, and I was rightly purchased another round (or two) by an admirer (or two).

Chapter 7 - Follow the Code (buckle yer swash)

They're be many versions of 'the code' and darn if no one has been able to keep a group of pirates sober long enough to take a vote. Not that such an independent bunch of scallywags would agree to a standard anyway!

Conduct yerself proudly, steal from the rich (or don't steal at all) give to the poor (or to yerself if ye be poor) and don't commit any crimes that harm another. (or don't commit any crimes at all) and fer gosh sakes, pick on someone yer own size. (and at least do it under the pretense of defending someone's honor)

Think back to the good old days, where swashbuckling pirates just had good clean fun at the expense of someone who deserved it. They were stylish, witty and skilled at swordplay and sliding down the mast on a zipline. Ahhh. That was good pirating.

One more bit o' advice for the wenches. Cattiness is a sign of insecurity and a lack of good breeding and manners. (and it be downright unattractive) No matter what mischief ye may be involved in, there's no excuse to behaving in a way that be unbecoming of a lady (which any good pirate wench is beneath the cleavage and high heeled boots).

A good wench need not compete, she can enjoy the company of other wenches and rest assured whatever it be that she holds dear is rightfully hers.

If ye must fight, do it openly, honestly and fairly; and get it over with and get back to yer drink and debauchery.

Chapter 8 - Above all, have FUN (Arrrrrr)

Modern day piracy be about attitude (or shall we say 'piratude'?).

Pirate wenches come from all walks of life, but they share one commonalty, a zest for livin' on their own terms and grabbin' the shark by the tail.