How can Christians be assertive & be *Christian*?

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Can someone please explain the difference between a Christian who is used as a doormat - i.e., letting people do whatever they want, always acquiescing to whatever anyone else wants, never allowing yourself to have a *say* in anything??? But then explain how a Christian can be *assertive* and *be your own person*? I do NOT understand the difference....well...I *did*- just not from a Christian perspective.

Was Jesus assertive? All the time? Ever? How do you know when to be, and when NOT to be? Do you take other people's feelings into consideration? More than your own? Less than your own? How does the injunction of *do unto others* come into play?

To be honest, I am tired of being a doormat. The bottoms of people's shoes is not a great view.

[olger]

Hi Rudy.

The Bible says that truth is very important. It also says that we are to speak it in love.

olger

[Robert]

Was Jesus assertive? All the time? Ever?

[Dr. Shane]

Consider how John the Baptist handled King Herod.

Consider how Jesus handled the Pharisees?

Consider numerous prophets and how they dealt with back-slidden kings.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

Walking away nowadays is a good way to get shot in the back.

No *survival of the fittest* for Christians, is there? Everyone just stays at the lowest common denominator? Put up or shut up - is that the way it is??? Assertiveness for Christians - grand-sounding, but meaningless?

edited: Thanks Shane...that makes a bit more sense to me..

[David Koot]

Was Jesus assertive?

Absolutely. Look at John ch. 8, for example. And I believe that most definitely there is a time for Christians to be assertive. Particularly when dealing with abusive or manipulative people. I don't believe it would be right to enable their abusive, or to manipulate others. Jesus said, "If they brother offends thee, rebuke him." It is important to our own sense of identity and self-worth, to do so. If trying to sort things out one to one does not work, then Jesus said to bring someone else with you, etc. (Mt. 18)

Dave

[Robert]

Walking away nowadays is a good way to get shot in the back.

[Norman Byers, N.D.]

Hi Pam [Edited to add, SSorry this is so long.]

Quote:

Can someone please explain the difference between a Christian who is used as a doormat - i.e., letting people do whatever they want, always acquiescing to whatever anyone else wants, never allowing yourself to have a *say* in anything??? But then explain how a Christian can be *assertive* and *be your own person*? I do NOT understand the difference....well...I *did*- just not from a Christian perspective.

I understand what you are saying Pam I used to be a great people pleaser at the expense of my feelings, thoughts and dignity at times.

This is going to be difficult to explain with a few words. Love is the foundation of the Christian's interaction with all people. I preached in church yesterday and the topic was Love Faith and works. I shared how as humans we achieve goals in 2 different ways; love or selfishness. I equated goals with actions or works.

A man by the name of Brent Mikesell who is a power lifter squatted a huge amount of weight. In 2003, within 2 weeks he squatted 1030 lbs to 1141 lbs. I read a short interview about him and he said 1995 was a life changing year that led him to set 3 goals: start a family, get a master's degree and pursue his love of power lifting.

Then I asked, "Was it his faith in what he could do that enabled him to life such weight? Was it the trophies and glory that enabled him?" It was neither; it was his love of the sport. That was a good and positive goal powered by love. Then I used Judas and his selfish goals and see what he ended up with. So by these examples we can see that when we love something, love will enable us to accomplish our goals.

Next we move to religious goals

There are two methods of producing good works, actions or goals.

1. Read all about the Bible laws and commandments and decided to keep them all.

2. Read all about God, His Son, the Holy Spirit and their love and love them all.

The problem we run into with that goal is that neither is possible! We can't keep all God's laws and we are born carnal at enmity with God. In short we must receive the Holy Spirit in order to produce goals, actions or works that amount to anything of value. Jesus once said, "Without me you can do nothing" and I used to think that maybe He was referring to something else cause surely there are things I can do. Today however I realize He right He is.

The problem we have is that we attempt to get Spirit led actions or works using human methods of reaching our goals. I have said in the past, "I will do such and such (prayer, fasting studying) and that will make me spiritual. Those things are good but they are not what make us spiritual or produce the works that are Spirit enabled. That is one of the problems we have today, many churches have "Programs and Ministries" that are utilized to achieve what only the Spirit can do. These are not wrong but for the most part they are missing the essential ingredient for godly success.

So the question comes to us, "How do we then achieve that which we fail to do?" Without programs and spiritual diets, about the only thing we can do is realize our short comings and utter failures and cry to God, "Help me Lord, I can't do anything right!" This is what God is looking for, the attitude of a child in need and willing to admit failure and wanting so much to do what is right that we simply ask and know that HE WILL ANSWER. Knowing that He will answer is part of that attitude/mindset. This is done not to earn favor; that comes by grace, this is about letting the Spirit work within and get the results we are looking for, like know when to say something and knowing when not to.

See Jesus denoucing the Pharisee and company. See Him before Pilate and the soldiers in silence. It took courage to speak and it took courage to keep silent. But in either case it was the Spirit guiding Him

So with what I have said I will say, rather than striving to know when to be assertive or when to be silent, strive to let the Spirit guide you and not to attempt this with human wisdom or works. I hope this makes sense and helps. I know what I mean to say but am not sure if it is coming across right. I felt this way yesterday as well, but I trust that the Spirit will get it across.

I am convinced that many Christian books are self-help books that really only get us to set human goals and expect divine results. We try what the book says and it works for a while and then back to normal. Also, we sometimes pray, "Lord make (me) this carnal person better" without knowing it. So we go away hoping that something will change. But when we ask God for help to die everyday and mean it, there will be a change, guaranteed.

If that doesn't help, then try this. When someone is going to get hurt speak up. When you are going to be hurt for the cause of God, be silent. I have simply used Jesus example of denouncing the Pharisees and company for their own good and the time He stood before Pilate. When the cause of God is going to be hurt, speak up. Think of Peter and John before the council after Pentecost, they were told no to speak in this name (Jesus) anymore. What did they do? They preached all the more.

Paul and Silas did this as well. Remember the time they were whipped and then the magistrates sent a message to let them go? Then Paul says "They have beaten us openly uncondemned, being Romans, and have cast us into prison; and now do they thrust us out privily?" No verily; but let them come themselves and fetch us out.

Norman

[Robert]

Jesus said, "If they brother offends thee, rebuke him."

Here's the quote: Matt 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses."

Being offended isn't necessarily the same as being sinned against.

[Robert]

Consider how John the Baptist handled King Herod.

Consider how Jesus handled the Pharisees?

Consider numerous prophets and how they dealt with back-slidden kings.

Jesus is our example...all the others fell short!

[Gerr]

An excellent question, Pam.

I have struggled with the same question most of my life. My brother & I came from the same father & mother, yet he is very assertive and me being very accommodating. But his assertiveness rubs a lot of people the wrong way. I don't think that is Christ's way. Yet, I am uncomfortable that perhaps I am too accommodating, not wanting to offend anyone or make waves. What I have settled on is this: Accommodate when possible and no principle is compromised. When truth/principle is involved, or when I feel I am right, my wife tells me I am an immovable object.

Gerry

[Naomi]

Hi Pam,

An excellent question and you have been given some very good answers. I suspect that many of us have had the feelings and questions which you have expressed.

I can identify with Gerry and how he has dealt with these issues, and the conclusion.

Quote:

Accommodate when possible and no principle is compromised.

I do want to add, however, that all too often in our society we confuse aggressiveness with assertiveness. I realize that was not your question, but sometimes when I have found it necessary to say, “No, that is not acceptable to me.” Or, “Personally, I choose not ……”, “I respectfully disagree” etc., people have interpreted it to mean I am being aggressive or difficult.

Compromise is acceptable on non-issues, sometimes we do it to “keep the peace” or not cause an issue in an appropriate time or place. OTOH when it is a question of “What would Jesus do?” “What is the right thing to do?’ etc., there is not room for compromise.

Quote:

To be honest, I am tired of being a doormat. The bottoms of people's shoes is not a great view.

Nor should you have to be. YOU are the daughter of the King of the Universe; a princess.

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

I thank you all so much for your comments and insights about this... I'm finding myself in a very sticky wicket with this whole thing about being assertive vs being used. Just very hard to know what to do....because I don't have a clue what Jesus would do.. Well..He probably wouldn't have gotten Himself into the situation in the first place. ::sigh::

[Gregory Matthews]

Naomi is on target. There is a difference between assertive,and aggressive.

To learn to be assertive is healthy.

[Gail]

There is a fine line between what one might consider being a doormat and submitting to another. I think where that line lies might depend on the individual.

(Sorry- am in the middle of making an Indian dish and had to go tend to it... am back now! )

Some people can abide something that others might be bothered by. The other thing to remember is that doormattism is not good for the person doing the treading, either. No one likes to be taken advantage of and the idea that a person is enjoying doing it to someone doesn't rub me the right way, either.

Seems like a lose/lose situation to me

[D. Allan]

an Indian dish ................mmmmmmmm my favorite ethnic food. Too bad you live way over there on that "Principessa" Island. In the South Pacific,is it?? haha

Bonne Nuit, Madamoiselle.

[D. Allan]

To learn to be assertive is healthy.

Smile and say, "NO!" The smile is important.:)