Child Rearing

[Gerr]

The current prevailing child-rearing method is to not use infliction of corporal pain as a method of discipline. What are you seeing as the result of this method.

Do you ever tell/discuss with your children/in-laws when you see their method is having a negative result?

[Outta Here]

I have two children: one girl, 17; one boy, 13. For the past 17 years I have implemented this method of child-rearing as described above. The results I've seen have been wonderful! My daughter is now a wonderful, caring young-woman with a bright future. My son is kind-hearted and considerate of others. Both are diligent students and rarely cause any incident in which disciplinary action is necessary.

Interested in my methodologies? I'll be glad to share if you are.

[Gerr]

I don't know about the particulars because I'm getting it second hand from my brother, but my nephew and his wife apparently do not believe in corporal punishment. Now their 4-5 yo boy is very willful and when he doesn't get his way, he throws up a tantrum. He did that recently in a mall and it embarrassed the whole family. And he wants me to call his son to tell him their method is wrong! I told my brother, "NOW WAY!" I told him that I don't even tell my own son and daughter-in-law how to raise our grand-daughter!

My son and daughter-in-law do not believe in corporal pain either. They use "time-outs", and "bargain" with the child. Our grand-daughter is 3 1/2. I admire their patience, but I'm beginning to wonder about this method.

Now, I'm not a believer of using pain as a first option. My father used the extreme opposite of no infliction of corporal punishment. I hated it. To this day, I have no pleasant memories of my father who has long been deceased. So when we had our son (he is now 37), I was determined never to use the same method. I did use corporal punishment whenever he disobeyed a direct command. And never in anger if I recall correctly. Punishment for accidents? Never!!!

Yes, I'd like to hear about your method. And congratulations that your children came out so well.

[Woody]

I don't believe there are any hard fast rules to child rearing. At times child rearing requires one to apply the 'board of education' to the rear. But, each child is different and requires different measures.

[Gerr]

The prevailing doctrine, as I understand it, rules out the "board of education."

[Woody]

The prevailing doctrine, as I understand it, rules out the "board of education."

Depends upon the board that decides the actions. Current 'boards' are resistant to the use of the 'board of education'. But, 'prevailing doctrines' change. And I would not be pressured into following a dogma. I would assess the particulars and then pray for wisdom.

Like I say ... each situation is different.

I tried to use creative ways of discipline. When I caught my son in a lie to me ... I made him run laps. It was night and to this day he tells me he was afraid of the wild pigs that frequented the area. I said "tough" ... don't lie to me again.

[Cosmin M.]

Exactly spanking is the way to go. If I were not spanked as a little child, then I probably would have not been talking to you guys on this forum. I would also probably doing drugs, drinking alcohol, etc. I know a lot of guys/girls at my school that have never been spanked and they are the ones that always get into trouble. ( I took a survey on those that have and those that have not been spanked.)

[Outta Here]

Gerry, I whole-heartedly agree with your decision to not tell others how to raise their children. In my opinion, it really should be up to the parents of the children as they are the ones who should know what's best for their own offspring.

For me, child-rearing is all about raising up a child the way he should go. After learning to love our Lord, the most important ideology, in my opinion, is to respect one's self and to respect others. I have never understood how corporal punishment shows respect for one another; so, my husband and I chose the methods of reason, respect and reward.

We reason with our children, letting them know exactly why certain behaviors are inappropriate and what behaviors we expect to see from them. We respect their right to their opinions and listen to their reasoning as well (sometimes we even change our opinions based on something they've said). We ask them for solutions to problems and walk through possible scenarios before they even happen--to prepare them for consequences of their actions. We leave very little up "to chance."

Other than reason and respect, we do reward our children for good behavior and for good choices. Again, our children understand what sorts of rewards they might expect (sometimes they are unexpected rewards) for good behavior.

I realize this is fairly limited--afterall, it's been in practice for 17 years and I rarely "think" about what we do with our kids. It's just something that comes naturally now.

Hope it helps.

[Dottie]

Our boy receives different methods of discipline for different infractions. For lying: we might ask him if he wants an apple, then hand him a potato. When he asks, "Why?" we say, "but we just thought you were lying agan!" Other ideas - move a pile of wood across the yard enough times to tire him out; sitting quietly by my side while I do something.

The first thing he learned when we finally found out that our former methods were not working was:

"My job is to be respectful, responsible, and fun to be around; and to do things fast, snappy, and right the first time, Mom and Dad's way.

This morning he refused to eat his cereal before we left for curch. He finished it while the rest of us were eating spaghetti and salad. Then he had his spaghetti and salad.

There are a series of books with the words "Loveand Logic" in their titles. They are a great help inraising children. Oh, yes, and don't forget the one called "Child Guidance."

[carolaa]

I like the Love & Logic books too. I also like Dr. Bill & Martha Sears' attachment style of parenting. I figure they raised 8 kids w/o spanking, so it must be ok.

The main thing is that kids need to know their boundaries, and they need some kind of appropriate consequences (positive as well as negative) for their actions.

There are many child rearing books out there that are based on psychology, which is fine and good, but there is only one that I know of that is based on scientific research about what really works, and that is The Kazdin Method. According to their research, spanking can bring about immediate results, but there are other methods that are far more effective in the long term as far as instilling self discipline and responsibility for choices.

[Gerr]

I take it that your children do not/have not defied you. What do you do when the child defies you and doesn't do what you tell them to do?

[Gerr]

What do you do if the child just won't do what you tell him to do? I'm dealing with non-SDAs, so I'm not keen on sending them the book, especially my son who had a very bad experience in church school.

[carolaa]

Parenting With Love and Logic is not an SDA book, and neither are The Kazdin Method or Dr. Sears' books - any of which I would recommend. I also would recommend they watch one of the Nanny shows - Super Nanny and Nanny 911 (or something like that) - they deal a lot with discipline matters.

[Outta Here]

I take it that your children do not/have not defied you. What do you do when the child defies you and doesn't do what you tell them to do?

I think, perhaps, this is part of the methodology we use. Neither my husband nor I tell our children what to do--ever. We guide them through the choices they make in life, small choices and more important choices. We tell them what we would like to see them do, but we never force them to do anything. There have been many, many times when the choices they've made are the ones I'dve rather them not made, but the choice was still theirs and the consequences that go with the choices are theirs as well.

[carolaa]

What do you do if the child just won't do what you tell him to do?

First of all, you need to make sure they are getting enough quality time with their parents. That's a big reason why kids misbehave, to get their parents' attention.

Then rule out medical conditions like autism, ADHD, etc.

Then make sure they have structure in their day. It doesn't have to be a strictly timed schedule but a general order in which they have meals, playtime, naps, clean up, etc., so they know what to expect. Also make sure kids have adequate warning/reminders before changing of activities or before special activities. That prevents a lot of problems.

When all the above has been taken care of, then it's time to think about giving consequences that mean something to the kids - carrots and sticks. Take away toys or privileges. Give extra chores. Some kind of a time out or monitored isolation. Add in some bribes like getting to help cook dinner (for kids young enough to think that's special!) or extra bedtime stories. And lots of affirmation when they do the right thing. Usually, when parents come alongside their kids to work and play together, it's amazing how behavior improves.

[Liz]

My Step-mom-in-law raised her bio son without corporal punishments, she reasoned with him, the boy didn't know boundaries and through a very unfortunate accident he was shot by a gun that was found--he didn't survive, he was twelve. It could have been avoided if he had ever learned to leave stuff that wasn't his alone.

She now has a son that is just six months older than my son. She is raising him the exact same way. This child is failing nearly every subject, when she got him a tutor, he plays hooky from the tutoring sessions, lies to his mother about where he has been and she still will not give him any consequences. She calls us for advice....a very slippery slope as someone else mentioned, it is hard to tell someone else how to raise their child.

We used corporal punishment--spare the rod, spoil the child--however, we did it when they were very young, when they tested the boundaries and so that now we don't have to use corporal punishment any longer. They are older and I can lecture, in fact, they have both told their dad that they would rather have a spanking from him then a lecture from me, because they feel so much more worse after the lecture. (I'm good) I say nodding.

Every child is different as is every situation. What works for some may, in fact, not work for others. As parents though it is our God given duty to raise the children put in our charge for His Kingdom. Therefore, if something isn't working it is up to us [the parents] to continue to seek that which will. We will answer one day for all of our actions.

[Outta Here]

Child-rearing by reason does not have to mean there is never any discipline. Discipline can come in many forms. In our family, we equate discipline with consequences. Consequences can be positive or negative. Lessons are learned many ways, but one way is by making choices and then accepting the consequences of such actions.

[Gerr]

Originally Posted By: Gerry Cabalo

I take it that your children do not/have not defied you. What do you do when the child defies you and doesn't do what you tell them to do?

I think, perhaps, this is part of the methodology we use. Neither my husband nor I tell our children what to do--ever.

Not even when they were 2-3-4 yrs old?

[Gerr]

Originally Posted By: Gerry Cabalo

What do you do if the child just won't do what you tell him to do?

First of all, you need to make sure they are getting enough quality time with their parents. That's a big reason why kids misbehave, to get their parents' attention.

My daughter-in-law is a stay-home Mom. She is with our grand-daughter almost every waking moment of her life. I admire them for resisting the lure of a 2-income luxury. She is very patient. She plays with her, reads to her, etc. They use "time-outs" and sends her to her room, toys taken away, for negative consequences. I don't think the child has ADHD or autism.

[Outta Here]

Originally Posted By: Aubrey

I think, perhaps, this is part of the methodology we use. Neither my husband nor I tell our children what to do--ever.

Not even when they were 2-3-4 yrs old?

I have a niece and a nephew that I watch a couple of times every month, sometimes more. It is at the age of 2, 3 and 4 that we begin reasoning with them. We tell them of the things we'd like to do and why. We tell them the consequences of the choices they make and we live with those consequences--whether they are fun or not.

Now that I think about it, I suppose there are things that are required of our kids. We require things like wearing seat belts and helmets, brushing teeth and taking showers. I guess we've disguised it as 'choices' (i.e., "wear your seat belt or you're not going", "wear your helmet or you don't get to ride", "brush your teeth or I'll brush them for you", "take a shower or you won't go to play with your friends").

The choice is theirs, but the things they can choose from are given by us. I have a friend who would say, "Well then, that's not really freedom of choice, is it?"

Hmm.

[Dr. Shane]

We have used a time-out with our children. If they got up from the time-out stool when they were younger they would get a spanking. If they get up now they lose privileges. I think different children need different methods and there is no one rule for all. If a parent does spank their children they should only use their open and if they leave any mark that lasts more than a couple of hours they have hit them too hard.

[Gerr]

Yeah, hmmmmmmm.

[Dr. Shane]

Quote:

if a parent does spank their children they should only use their open...

"hand" I forgot the word hand in that sentence.

[Dottie]

Carolaa - -

Can you talk a little more about the "attachment" style of parenting?

I'm trying to raise a child with attachment issues.

We have tried Nancy Thomas and I have read "Parenting With Love & Logic." Behaviors are changing, but not always for the better as he gets older. Also, the parents in my house are not in agreement on discipline. One says that natural consequences will help to teach for a longer period, but take longer to teach. One says that an immediate response is needed and sees an imediate change in behavior.

[Gerr]

We have used a time-out with our children. If they got up from the time-out stool when they were younger they would get a spanking. If they get up now they lose privileges. I think different children need different methods and there is no one rule for all. If a parent does spank their children they should only use their open and if they leave any mark that lasts more than a couple of hours they have hit them too hard.

I still carry on my forearm the mark from a belt buckle when I missed an addition/subtraction problem while my father was trying to teach me arithmetic even before I started school in the first grade. That was extreme. That's why I was determined not to do the same to my son.

Some children may be so tender-hearted that no corporal punishment is necessary. But I believe love and pain are powerful tools for teaching. And love and pain need NOT be mutually exclusive. Pain can be administered in love. I doubt a child will ever put his/her hand on a hot stove ever again after being burned once. Pain is probably God's least appreciated gift.