Sudden divorce

[Gail]

If your spouse suddenly decided that s/he wanted a new life (having a crisis or something) and wanted to divorce you as part of that dream, what would you do?

Would you let him/her go or would you fight for the marriage?

[Dr. Shane]

I guess it depends on the circumstances. If she left me and married another I would give up on my marriage. If she left me and moved in with another I think I would still try to win her back for at least a year before giving up.

[John317]

First I'd want to make sure he/she is certain that there were no changes that could be made to help change her/his mind, and if I was satisfied that this couldn't happen, I would let it go.

[phkrause]

Not sure I would know how to react if that would happen! But do know for a fact this would not happen.

pk

[Amelia]

When I was suddenly asked to move out, there was very little I could do. He was very adamant and wouldn't talk about it.

[oldsailor29]

When I was suddenly asked to move out, there was very little I could do. He was very adamant and wouldn't talk about it.

Sounds like Linda Shelton.

[Gail]

How does one fight to save a marriage? Is it even possible?

[phkrause]

Not that I know anything, but if both parties are willing and God is there to guide, or allowed to guide, than maybe there's a chance.

pk

[Dr. Shane]

What one does is goes to a Christian counselor and with a little guidance try to win the straying spouse back. I think more men are successful at doing this than women. However both have been successful. It takes humility and a willingness to change. When most of us were dating we had both.

[carolaa]

When I was suddenly asked to move out, there was very little I could do. He was very adamant and wouldn't talk about it.

Yikes, I sure wouldn't move out - at least right away - unless I felt my life was in danger. If he wants to split, he can move out.

[carolaa]

Would you let him/her go or would you fight for the marriage?

"Fight" seems like an odd word here. I'm not much into fighting. Begging and screaming, maybe, but not fighting. In fact, I'm thinking that fighting might be the least effective way to get someone back. But that's probably not the kind of fighting you were talking about.

I'm not much into being in limbo, either. So I would move on pretty quickly, I think. If something happens down the road and he has a change of heart....well, hard to say.....a great big *it depends."

[Gail]

Great answers, everybody! I appreciate the honesty!

[Dr. Shane]

I agree fighting is not the best word. It is about wooing the straying spouse back. The tactics are pretty much the same as the ones used when first dating.

When a spouse leaves for another lover they are normally infatuated or what some call "in love" with the other lover. I like the term infatuated because it has nothing to do with love. This infatuation normally only lasts 6 to 18 months. When this infatuation wears off the straying spouse will often repent of what they did or at the very least, stop looking at their new lover with rose-colored glasses.

Knowing this, the "innocent" spouse has time on their side if they want to woo back the straying spouse. If there are children, there will be a natural tendency for the straying spouse to want to reunite the family once the period of infatuation wears off. Through counseling the "innocent" spouse can discover areas where they were not being as good as spouse as they could have.

Kind of like the old George Strait song:

1: Lately you've been showin' all the signs

Of a woman with someone else on her mind.

It's not your fault, it's the nights I've left you alone,

And if you're thinkin' you want a stranger, there's one coming home.

Chorus: If you're thinkin' you want a stranger, I'll soon be there.

You're gonna see a change in me, this time I swear.

No more late nights, comin' in at daylight, and no more doin' you wrong.

If you're thinkin' you want a stranger, there's one coming home.

2: Bought you a silk gown and perfume today.

Picked up some roses and champagne on the way.

Oh I called to ask you to put some soft music on.

'Cause if you're thinkin' you want a stranger, there's one coming home.

[Dr. Shane]

Watch the movie "Fireproof" to get an idea of how someone can woo back a spouse wanting to leave.

[Gail]

I'm not a big fan of the "Fireproof" and would find those tactics irritating, but for some reason guys are taking to it like it's the best thing since sliced bread.

On the other hand, I really like Jim Hohnberger's new book Irristible. It contains a plan for those spouses who have partners who are not interested in improving their marriage situation.

Hohnberger's books sell well for us, and this is another example of why.

[Gail]

It's interesting how many of us have assumed the reason for wanting out of a marriage as having something going on the side...

[Dr. Shane]

I don't assume that at all. If have simply pointed out that when that is the issue there are still things that can be done for reconciliation. However in many, if not most cases, when one spouse wants to give up on the marriage there is nothing the other spouse can do to effectively change the leaving spouse's mind. There are various techniques that can be tried to save a marriage. I don't believe in a one-for-all. That is why I suggest a person going to a counselor and letting the counselor guide them in their unique situation. The big message in the movie "Fireproof" isn't the exact technique that he used. It is that a person in a marriage where one of the spouses wants to leave doesn't have to just give up. In many cases these marriages can be saved.

True love isn't the butterflies in the stomach and the rush of dopamine in the brain that infatuation brings. True love is the commitment and acceptance that two people give each other over a lifetime. That is what most people want. I don't need to be doing backflips every time I wake up with my wife next to me. What I need is a wife willing and committed to wake up next to me for the rest of my life. I need a woman who is willing to work with me to make me a better man but at the same time accept me for who I am today. That means more serotonin and less dopamine.

[olger]

Not that I know anything, but if both parties are willing and God is there to guide, or allowed to guide, than maybe there's a chance.

pk

There's a lot more than a chance! There is complete freedom available in this scenario.

The most difficult scenario is when one spouse isn't willing to try - then we work with the spouse who is willing. All you can do, besides prayer.

blessings,

g

[phkrause]

Good post olger, I totally agree.

pk

[Neil D]

Originally Posted By: Amelia

When I was suddenly asked to move out, there was very little I could do. He was very adamant and wouldn't talk about it.

Sounds like Linda Shelton.

The above post is so wrong in so many ways....

First of all, is the poster part of the family? Even if he is, does he have a right to make public his views?

Second, we are in the midst of a clariffication of what is joking within the commedian relm, and not too many people are willing to let that alone. While there is polorization of view points, there isn't the coming together as a spiritual family that this kind of comment would bring. How can we claim to be on Letterman's side or on Palin's side when we are a HUMAN race and we are at each other throats for percieved injustices? This sort of pot shot is meant to divide and inflame...And while I have not been involved in the torrid affair, I all ready know that there are many diverse and polorizing views on this.

3rd, where is the compassion that we as a human race have for one another? For that matter, I believe that the SDA church should be even MORE compassionate toward it's own and we are able to demonstrate it for a couple of reasons...one, Jesus said that others would know that we are His, when we show love for one another. Second, if our theology can not bring about a more compassionate Christian, then our theology is ALL wrong.

I am bringing this to our attention because if we can not show even the basic compassion, I think it speaks directly to our being, not only to the human race, but also to upholding of SDA values...

[Neil D]

True love isn't the butterflies in the stomach and the rush of dopamine in the brain that infatuation brings. True love is the commitment and acceptance that two people give each other over a lifetime. That is what most people want. I don't need to be doing backflips every time I wake up with my wife next to me. What I need is a wife willing and committed to wake up next to me for the rest of my life. I need a woman who is willing to work with me to make me a better man but at the same time accept me for who I am today. That means more serotonin and less dopamine.

While I agree with a lot of this, I know many a woman who would love a bit more dopamine in thier man. Marriage takes work...It's work that needs to be done, and, it provides great rewards and benefits....

....and I think I can say, from my perspective, even this may not be enough to save the marriage....

[Dr. Shane]

Quote:

I know many a woman who would love a bit more dopamine in thier man.

That doesn't make sense to me. A woman would love more dopamine in their man? Is that suppose to read: "A woman would love more dopamine from their man"?

[Nan]

Quote:

I know many a woman who would love a bit more dopamine in thier man.

That doesn't make sense to me. A woman would love more dopamine in their man? Is that suppose to read: "A woman would love more dopamine from their man"?

Shane, Neil's post does make sense.

There are times when a woman would like her man to behave in a way that shows he still has feeling for her akin to the fascination and intensity shown in the early days of the marriage. Granted this cannot be maintained, but it is nice to see it from time to time.

[Nan]

As I have not posted on this topic earlier, I will add my bit on Gail's original question.

You can only fight if the other party is willing to give things a go. There is a certain finality when

told of the finish of a relationship, when you recognise s/he is adamant and unreachable, and all you can do is to try to maintain your selfrespect. Grovelling will only cause further irritation. Perhaps this comes

because one partner has been working towards the decision to leave for a long time, then expects the other, suddenly presented with a shocking ultimatum, to be able to accept the new reality immediately. It is not a rational expectation.

Olger has obviously seen this in couples he has counselled.

[Cosmin M.]

I wouldn't care, cause I am currently not married.