Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

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#1194   Feel Gratitude In Proportion

Normally when a person searches for something and finds it, he's happy. But if he does not find it, he's sad.

A person who seeks good deeds should react differently. Regardless of whether or not he is successful, he should feel joy at trying, even if for some reason things did not work out as he had planned.

(Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm in Chochmah Umussar, vol.2, p.14; Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p.111)

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#1195   An A for Effort

The more difficult it is to perform a good deed, the greater the merit of that act. This also applies to the mitzvah of feeling joy in fulfilling commandments. For example:

If a person is sad, and nevertheless works hard to banish those sad thoughts and to feel the joy of doing mitzvahs, his merit is greater than that of someone who was in a good mood to begin with!

(Pele Yoaitz: Simchah; cited in Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p. 94)

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#1196   Encourage With Acknowledgment

If you try to teach someone and he understands a small amount, focus on the small amount he does understand and acknowledge this in order to motivate him further.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," p.218)

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#1197   Welcome Being Questioned

It is the nature of the wise to appreciate questions on their viewpoints more than agreement.

A person who wants approval is disturbed and irritated if someone questions his attitudes and opinions. But a wise person seeks truth and therefore gets pleasure if someone raises objections -- since this helps him correct his mistakes.

(Kovetz Igros Chazon Ish, vol.1, p.152; Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p. 286)

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#1198   Be Aware of Being Tested

Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm wrote: "When you find yourself in a difficult situation, the first thought you should focus on is that the situation is a test and challenge."

A person who was once very ill and recovered can appreciate his health more than if he had never been ill. A person who once suffered from poverty appreciates having sufficient money more than if he had never been poor.

(Chochmah Umussar, vol. 2, p.158; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness p. 244)

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#1199   Potential Thoughts

People with self-confidence are free to speak and act in ways that enable them to reach their potential. On the other hand, people who feel insecure and lack self-confidence might limit themselves greatly.

No human being can know the full potential of another person. Nor can any human being know his own full potential. You don't need to know your full potential before starting to speak and act in ways that will enable you to reach more of your potential. You only need to take the next step forward.

You don't need to know your potential self-confidence before you begin to think, speak, and act with self-confidence. You only need enough self-confidence to take another small step. That makes the process sound much easier, doesn't it?

(Self-confidence, chapter 15 – Artscroll Publications)

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#1200   Never Be Disappointed

When a person masters the ability to feel comfortable in all situations, he will never be disappointed with what life offers.

When we demand that our life situation be different than it presently is, we are demanding something that does not exist. This demanding is how we cause our own needless suffering.

If you are sincerely interested in guaranteeing a happy life, learn to accept what cannot be changed.

(Bayis Neaman, p.41; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.236)

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#1201   Empathy Brings Relief

When a person who is suffering sees others empathize with him, he feels a degree of relief.

Hence if you want to help someone overcome suffering, instead of telling him that he has nothing to worry about, or that his situation is not so bad, try to share his suffering and communicate that you feel for him.

(Yesod V'shoresh Ha'avodah 1:8; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.256)

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#1202   Change It or Accept It

Matters leading to sadness fall into two categories: matters that can be corrected and matters that cannot.

If something can be done to correct a situation, why feel sad? Simply take action to correct the matter!

On the other hand, if nothing can be done, what gain is there in feeling sad? Sadness will not improve matters. It is wiser to accept what cannot be changed.

(Pele Yoatz: atzvus; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, pp.179-80)

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#1203   Choose Your Tone of Voice

Be aware of the effects of your tone of voice. In counseling couples, I frequently point out how their tone of voice keeps changing. As a solution, I have them find a range of tones that their spouse finds comfortable.

The listener is always more sensitive and aware of the tone of voice than the speaker is. The more aware you are of your own tone of voice and the effect it has on the listener, the easier it will be for you to recognize when there is a change in your tone.

One way to become more aware of your tone of voice is to ask your spouse for feedback, by saying, "If my tone of voice ever distresses you, please point it out to me. And when you especially like a certain tone of voice, please tell me."

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book entitled "Marriage" - ArtScroll Publications, 1998, p. 145)

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#1204   Publicizing One's Own Faults

Someone who insults or curses others really insults himself. A person of good character would not insult anyone. Whenever someone insults you, he is publicizing his own faults.

Realize that it is not necessary to reply to insults, because the person has merely insulted himself.

(Ksav Sofer in Chut Ha'meshulash; Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," pp.297-8)

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#1205   Everyone Needs Encouragement

Everyone needs encouragement. Some people need it more and some need it less. But everyone needs it. Not everyone who needs encouragement will openly acknowledge his need for encouragement. But a general rule is: A human being needs encouragement.

(Rabbi Pliskin's "Encouragement", Introduction)

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#1206   Control Your Desires

Feel pleasure in controlling counterproductive desires.

Repeat to yourself, "The more I feel the pull of my desires, the stronger will be my self-mastery."

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," p.197-9)

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#1207   Appreciate Small Improvements

When working on improving yourself, it is easy to become discouraged because you do not see sufficient progress. Keep trying and do not give up. Every small amount of improvement is a success. (Rabbi Reuven Dessler; Tnuas Hamussar, vol.5, p.174)

Learn to appreciate even the most minute improvement. If you become angry one time less than before or with less intensity, that itself is improvement. If you speak a little kinder to others, that is improvement. If your prayers are ever so slightly improved, that is improvement. The more pleasure you feel with each drop of improvement, the more likely you will keep trying to improve.

(Gateway to Happiness, p.378)

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#1208   Learn The Value Of Patience From Others

When someone else is impatient, it's easier for us to understand why that person should be more patient. Great! Every day, you have many teachers who don't even realize they are doing you a service by teaching you to become more patient!

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, "Patience")

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#1209   Avoid Unnecessary Arguments

The Chafetz Chaim used to say, "Be careful to avoid unnecessary debates, for this can easily lead to anger."

Before getting into an argument, ask yourself: "Is it really worthwhile to argue over this matter?"

(Chovas Hashmirah; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.197)

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#1210   Open Yourself Up To Friendship

A person who tries to keep everything about himself hidden will not have close friends. Building a close relationship with others requires self-disclosure.

While it is not prudent to disclose personal secrets to everyone, if you want to become close to others, you need to go beyond discussing superficial matters such as the weather and politics, and be willing to tell them more about the real you.

(Pachad Yitzhak - Igros Uk'sovim, p.236; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.142)

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#1211   Be Soft Spoken

Always speak to others in a manner that makes it a pleasurable experience for them. Your tone of voice should be calm and pleasant. Do not speak in anger or raise your voice.

(see Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian - Lev Eliyahu, vol.1, p.66; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#1212   Everyone Has Life Challenges

Difficulties will occur in everyone's life. We are typically much more aware of our own difficulties than those of others. This can easily breed unwarranted envy. But knowing that everyone has challenges in life can make your own easier to cope with.

Marriage is a constantly changing, fluid, evolving process. Each stage of marriage has its unique character-development opportunities. God will always set you up in situations that will challenge you and enable you to access hidden strengths that you may not realize you possess!

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book entitled "Marriage" - ArtScroll Publications, 1998, Chapter One, p.54)

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#1213   Learn From Your Experience

The essence of wisdom is to have a complete grasp of reality. A wise person knows the probable consequences of a particular course of action. Therefore, someone with experience in a particular is regarded as "wise" because he has personal knowledge of which actions produce which outcomes. Internalize the knowledge you have obtained from your experience; this will earn you the title, "a wise person."

Next time you find yourself in a painful or uncomfortable situation, tell yourself, "With this experience I am gaining more wisdom." If your mind ever takes you back to past painful events, view them as your personal "University of Wisdom."

(see Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv - Chochmah Umussar, vol.1, pp.63-4)

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#1214   Your Real Pleasure Potential

In physical matters, a person's desires are always greater than the actual potential for pleasure.

But in spiritual matters, such as studying Torah and doing good deeds, a person's pleasure will be commensurate to his desire for those things. The greater you desire them, the more pleasure you will experience!

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#1215   View the World with a Benevolent Eye

A master artist looks at an entirely different world than someone who lacks his vision. We can all train ourselves to see more deeply. When you see the world as a place in which to do kindness, you see a different world. You see a world full of spiritual opportunities wherever you are and wherever you go.

Let this be your world.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book Kindness)

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#1216   Commit to Greater Diligence

Diligence enables you to master skills and excel in them. Think about one area of your life where you can commit yourself to greater diligence.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," p.204)

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#1217   Fill Your Mind with Positive Thoughts

We cannot think two thoughts at the same time. Consequently, when negative thoughts arise, you do not need to fight them. Make an effort to think positive thoughts, and the negative thoughts will disappear.

(see Rabbi Nachman of Breslov; Likutai Aitzos: machshovos, no.11)

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#1218   It Takes Strength to Keep Silent

Why don't people like to remain silent when others insult them? Because they're afraid that others might think they're weak and unable to answer back.

The truth is, it takes much greater strength to remain silent when someone insults you. Revenge, on the other hand, is a sign of weakness. A revenger lacks the necessary strength of character to forgive.

(Rabbi Yerachmiel Shulman; Ketzais Ha'shemesh Big'vuraso, p.42; Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p. 302)