Growing Each Day by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski

[phkrause]

Tammuz 13
 

And it shall be if you will heed the commandments that I command you (Deuteronomy 11:13).

The Talmud teaches that the evil inclination - the insatiable desire within each of us to experiment with the forbidden - is not so foolish as to entice a person to commit a major transgression. It does not tell an honest person to shoplift; that would certainly meet with fierce resistance. Rather, "First the evil inclination tells you, `Do this,' then `Do this,' until it gradually works its way up to the point where you may entirely reject God" (Shabbos 108b).

The usual interpretation is that the first "Do this" is a seduction to commit a minor transgression, and then it gradually works its way up to more serious ones. The armed robber began by stealing a chocolate bar. Rabbi Yosef Schneersohn said that the yetzer hara is even more wily than that. He may begin by recommending "perform this commandment, because it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do," by urging the person to perform commandments because they are logical. "Observe the Sabbath because you need a day of rest after six days of hard work. Give charity because it is only right to help the needy. Keep kosher because kosher foods are healthier." A person thus trains himself to follow the dictates of his reasoning, rather than to do something because it is the will of God. The evil inclination's next step is, "This particular commandment is obsolete. It no longer has any logical validity."

The only way to avoid this trap is to avoid its first piece of advice. We do the right thing because it is right, not because it accords with our personal likes and desires. Therefore, we preface the performance of a commandment with a blessing that states, "I am doing this in order to fulfill the Divine command." While we should try to understand the commandments, to the best of our ability, our understanding of them should not be our main motivation for performing them.

Today I shall ...

observe all commandments because they are the Divine will, rather than only because I understand their purpose.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 14
 

Which is the good way of life to which a person should adhere? Rabbi Eliezer says: A benevolent eye (Ethics of the Fathers 2:13).

"A benevolent eye" or "a good eye" is the Hebrew expression for not begrudging people that which they have. The corollary is that the way of life to avoid is having "a malevolent eye," i.e. begrudging people what they have.

In Yiddish, the equivalent of "a benevolent eye" is "to fargin," as in the expression "I fargin him with all my heart." There is no equivalent word in English for fargin, and it can only be translated in the negative, i.e. to fargin is to not begrudge. As noted in 23 Adar, the absence of a word in a language may be a clue about something in that particular culture. Is it possible that much of the English-speaking world knows only how to begrudge, but does not know how to fargin?

Be that as it may, Rabbi Eliezer considers "a benevolent eye" much more than just a desirable trait. He considers it an all-encompassing feature that constitutes the optimum adjustment to life. Other people may possess more material wealth. Their children may have achieved more. They may enjoy better health. In whatever way other people may be more fortunate, Rabbi Eliezer sees farginning them as the character trait that will make all other traits fall into line. Conversely, not farginning is a trait that so permeates one's personality that everything one thinks, feels, or does will be negatively affected.

Perhaps not everyone can rejoice in what others have, but we can all fargin.

Today I shall ...

try to fargin everyone what they have and avoid begrudging anything to anyone.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 15
 

Blessed are You, O God, King of the Universe, Who created everything for His glory (The Marriage Ritual).

The surging divorce rate in recent years is appalling. While the Torah indeed provides for dissolving a relationship, there has never been in Jewish history anything like the current number of failed marriages.

Perhaps the problem stems from the partners' primary goals as they enter marriage. In Western civilization, what is called "love" has been accepted as the cornerstone of marriage. Unfortunately, this "love" too often refers to an attraction for the partner because of how he or she can gratify the other's physical and emotional needs. If this primary goal is not adequately met, the cement of the relationship disintegrates, and secondary factors alone cannot maintain it.

In the past, the primary focus of a marriage was the establishment of a family. [The first mitzvah found in the Torah is be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28).] While physical and emotional needs were important, they were not primary, but secondary. Hence, when problems of this nature did develop, the relationship was still held together by the primary binding forces, and these secondary problems could be rectified and resolved.

Today I shall ...

try to realize what the true primary goals of my relationship with others should be.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 16
 

The Jewish people are My servants, and not servants to servants (Bava Metzia 10a).

As a host and his guest left the apartment building, the doorman greeted them in a belligerent tone of voice. The host responded in a gentle tone of voice and with a very pleasant smile.

"Is he that grouchy all the time?" the guest asked.

"Sometimes even worse," the host answered.

"Then why are you so pleasant in your response to him?" the guest asked.

"Because," the host answered, "I am not about to let him dictate how I am going to act."

If we react to others' provocation, we are essentially allowing them to control our behavior. A sign of slavery is being deprived of the ability to think for oneself, so here, if we react reflexively rather than rationally, we are at least temporarily in involuntary servitude. How foolish to allow ourselves to become enslaved, even momentarily.

The antidote is to avoid reflex reactions. We can make it a point never to respond when provoked until we have stopped and allowed ourselves ample time to think rationally about what has happened and to plan what would be a rational, well-calculated response.

One might think that delaying a response to provocation is out of consideration for the other person, to protect others from one's own wrath. This is true, but secondary. The primary reason is that we maintain our own freedom and do not become puppets manipulated by others.

Today I shall ...

avoid reflex responses, and maintain my freedom and dignity as a rational person.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 17

On the seventeenth day of Tammuz, the Tablets [of the Ten Commandments] were broken [by Moses] (Taanis 26b).

Today the Jews worshiped the Golden Calf and on this day, therefore, Moses broke the Tablets of the Law. Jews initiate a three-week period of mourning which ends on the Ninth of Av, the day on which spies sent by Moses to scout Canaan returned with a report so pessimistic that the Israelites wept all night. (Both days also become days of mourning for other tragedies that have befallen the Jewish people, e.g. both Sanctuaries were destroyed on the Ninth of Av.)

The two events - the worship of the Golden Calf and the despair of the Israelites - are closely related. The Torah relates that the Israelites despaired of entering the Promised Land because they lacked faith that God would enable them to conquer it. Their worship of the Golden Calf and their despair of entering the Promised Land both came from a lack of faith in God.

Some people would be horrified to think of themselves as idolaters, yet their behavior may manifest a lack of faith and trust in God. For example, Torah law requires that a certain percentage of one's income be given as tzedakah. Reluctance to do so shows a lack of faith in the Divine promise that those who give tzedakah will be rewarded manyfold. Failure to refrain from conducting one's business on the Sabbath displays a lack of trust in God, Who decreed that the Sabbath be a day of rest and has promised that those who observe it will gain much more by obeying him than they could through human effort.

The mindset of those who worshiped the Golden Calf and thereby repudiated the true God led directly to the disastrous reaction to the libel of the spies, which caused the loss of an entire generation in the desert and delayed the acquisition of the Promised Land for forty years.

Thanking God requires more than lip service; it must be made manifest in our daily lives.

Today I shall ...
strengthen my faith and trust in God, and not allow any doubt in Him to affect my actions.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 18

Everyone will say that [piety] is a major principle ... but why they do not study it is because it is so obvious and certain (Introduction to Path of the Just).

We take many things for granted. Is justice important? Of course! Is morality vital? Without a doubt! Are honesty and decency essential character traits? How can one even pose a question when the answer is so obvious?

In Path of the Just, a monumental work on ethics, Luzzato points out that some people exert a great deal of effort in order to try to gain greater understanding in various subjects, some of which are abstract and have little practical application, but they neglect investigating concepts which are important in everyday life. These people don't minimize the value of the latter; to the contrary, because these subjects are so important, everyone takes for granted that they understand them as well as they can figure two plus two equals four.

What is justice? What constitutes morality? What does it mean to be honest and decent? Who determines desirable values? To what degree is a particular trait commendable? In Luzzato's time, like today, these subjects were relegated to pundits in ivory towers who had nothing better to do than spend time analyzing and deliberating these "intangibles." People who were occupied in business, homemaking, labor, and professions had little time for such luxuries. Too many still think they don't.

Luzzato points out that unless we make a concerted effort to understand the values that we espouse, we may be grossly derelict without being aware of it.

Today I shall ...
turn my attention to understanding those values that I consider important in proper living.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 19

These are the precepts that have no prescribed measure: the corner of a field [which must be left for the poor], the first-fruit offering, etc. (Peah 1:1).

This portion of the Talmud is recited in the introductory prayers of the morning service, in order that a person begin the day with a portion of the Oral Law. Of the hundreds of thousands of passages of the Talmud, why was this one selected?

This passage lists five items that have no prescribed measure. The implication is that other than these five, everything has a limit. With this important concept, we should begin our day.

Some people know no limits. Many behavioral excesses have joined the category of "olics," so that we now have not only alcoholics, but workaholics, foodaholics, chocoholics, sportaholics, worryaholics, etc. Any activity can be over done.

More of a good thing is not necessarily better, as people with obesity, for example, have discovered. Unfortunately, many people who do something to excess are not aware of their error. They believe that they are still acting within the normal range.

As with alcoholics, people who are affected by any excessive behavior are generally unable to set limits for themselves. Outsiders must make objective observations to recognize if reasonable limits have been exceeded. We would be wise to seek the appraisal of competent and interested people to help us determine whether we are functioning within the range of accepted norms.

Today I shall ...
be aware that I may be exceeding limits in some aspects of my behavior and seek a competent outside evaluation of myself.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 20

If the court awards the garment to your adversary, sing a happy tune as you leave (Sanhedrin 7a).

Someone who loses even a substantial amount of money as a result of a drop in the value of the stocks that he or she owns will not be upset as intensely or for as long a time as if he or she had lost a much smaller amount of money in a court. The reason? In the first instance, although he lost, no one else won. In the latter case, his loss resulted in his adversary's triumph, and that hurts more.

Here, two plus two does not equal four, but much more. If one's loss and the other's gain had occurred independently of one another, the reaction would not have been as great. The fact that another person gains something should not be distressful, since one should be able to fargin (see 14 Tammuz). The fact that one has lost, while unpleasant, usually does not provoke so extreme a reaction. But if the two come together, and the other person's gain comes as the result of one's loss, two plus two suddenly equal a million.

Competition exists in law, business, sports, and many other events. Life is full of situations where one wins and the other loses. Unless we learn to restore the equation to its arithmetical equivalent, so that the whole should not be greater than the sum of its parts, we are in for trouble. Inability to gracefully accept a loss in competition may result in severe emotional stress and cause not only interpersonal and behavioral consequences, but may also take a severe toll on one's health.

The Talmud is right. If you lose at competition, walk away singing.

Today I shall ...
try to develop an attitude of acceptance when I lose in competition.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 21
 

I created the yetzer hara, and I created the Torah as its antidote (Kiddushin 30b).

Many commercial products that we use both at home and in industry are toxic. We use them because they serve a particular constructive purpose, but we are also aware that they are dangerous chemicals. Indeed, they usually contain a warning, such as "not for internal use" or "avoid contact with eyes," followed by an antidote with instructions of what to do in case the precautions were not heeded.

Rational people will be very cautious with these chemicals, using them only as directed. If someone accidentally swallowed one of them, he or she will immediately use the specific antidote recommended by the manufacturer. Trying something else instead would be foolish at best and suicidal at worst. The manufacturer obviously knows best what the most effective antidote is.

So it is with the yetzer hara. Our appetites and other physiological drives have their source in the yetzer hara, so they must be used only as directed. Misuse can be dangerous and even lethal. Fortunately, the manufacturer issued precautionary instructions (to be found in books of mussar) and provided an effective antidote: Torah. How foolish would it be to ignore the manufacturer's instructions or to try to find an antidote other than the one prescribed!

Our physical bodies are very dear to us, and we scrupulously follow instructions on products to avoid physical harm. If there are no instructions on the product package, we will immediately call a poison control center for instructions from the experts on how to avoid harm. Our spiritual selves should be treated with equal respect. We should follow instructions and whenever in doubt, promptly ask the experts.

Today I shall ...

give my spiritual life serious consideration and protect it as I do my physical self.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 22

The ear that listens to the admonitions of life will rest among the wise (Proverbs 15:31).

An actor once approached the gates of heaven and asked for admission. "What worthy deeds have you done in your lifetime?" the angel asked.

"Why, I portrayed the futility of materialism and the tragedies that result from dishonesty. People would cry and become remorseful while watching my acting."

"Very well," said the angel. "You sit here at the gate, and as soon as the first person who did teshuvah as a result of your acting will appear, you may enter."

People who are interested in refining their characters must ask themselves what they are doing to bring it about. To what sources are they turning to derive teachings on correct values and how to achieve them? Clearly, they are not available on television; those who spend their after-work hours glued to the television screen can hardly claim to be working on self-improvement. Nor are the variety of pastimes, in which many people indulge, sources for character betterment.

Those who truly wish to improve themselves will seek the company of the spiritually wise who are able to teach them.

Today I shall ...
examine myself to see which steps I have taken to bring about the character improvement that I desire.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 23
 

One who is needy and refuses to accept help, it is as though he shed innocent blood (Jerusalem Talmud, Peah 8:8).

Maimonides extols what he calls the golden path, the middle way which a person should follow in life. He states that every trait has two opposite but equally undesirable extremes. The proper degree of any trait is not necessarily the median; it may be more toward one of the two poles, but it is never the extreme.

Self-sufficiency is certainly a desirable goal, and striving for independence is commendable. Some indolent people do not even try to carry their own weight. Their parasitism may be so reprehensible to other people that the latter may react by going to the opposite extreme and refusing to accept help when they need it. They may sustain physical injury by starvation or exposure, rather than accept a helping hand.

While accounts of great tzaddikim who subjected themselves to extreme degrees of deprivation do exist, these people had reached a level of spirituality so high that this deprivation would not harm them. For the average person, Solomon's caution, "Do not attempt to be too much of a tzaddik" (Ecclesiastes 7:16), should prevail. To do so may simply be an "ego trip." Some bridges can support vehicles of any tonnage; other bridges have a limit on the tonnage, lest they collapse under excess weight.

In this trait, like so many others, people may not be the best judge of their own capacities. Their best move is to seek competent spiritual guidance.

Today I shall ...

allow myself to accept legitimate help and be cautious of over-reacting in any extreme.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 24
 

You shall honor it [Shabbos] by refraining from your usual weekday practices, nor pursuing your business, nor speaking thereof (Isaiah 58:13).

The observance of Shabbos and the festivals is characterized by not only abstinence from work, but also from all types of "weekday" activities, including even how one converses. "Your conversation on Shabbos should not be similar to your weekday conversation" (Shabbos 113b).

A personal incident illustrates that by properly honoring the Shabbos and festivals, one achieves the respect of others.

As a resident in psychiatric training, I explained to the program director that I was unable to work on the festival days, and that these should be considered vacation days and deducted from my allotted vacation time.

The director shook his head. "No need for that," he said. "Non-Jewish people can do anything they wish on their holidays. If they can wash the car, paint the garage, or go to the theater, then they can just as well come to work. In your case, you are not permitted to do anything, so obviously you cannot come to work, and this need not affect your vacation time."

It has been said, "Even more than Israel has kept the Shabbos, the Shabbos has kept Israel." If we honor the Shabbos properly, the Shabbos will honor us.

Today I shall ...

dedicate myself to a full observance of Shabbos and the festivals.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 25

What is lashon hara? One who speaks disparagingly of another person, even though he may speak the truth (Orchos Tzaddikim, Chapter 25).

One mussar spokesman said that there should never be any need to speak about another person. "If you wish to speak of someone's praises, praise God instead. If you wish to find fault with someone, you would do better to focus on your own defects."

The second statement takes on additional significance in light of what psychologists have learned about lack of self-awareness. Some have suggested that when people talk about other people, they turn the conversation away from themselves and, by focusing on other's shortcomings, they avoid the need to focus on their own. Slandering other people thus sets back the struggle for self-awareness, which is essential for optimum emotional and psychological health, because it directs one's attention away from oneself and onto the defects in others. One thereby does not have the information necessary to improve.

The Talmud states that lashon hara adversely affects three people: the one who speaks, the one who listens, and the subject of the conversation (Arachin 15b). We can easily understand how it hurts the last two, and we now have another insight into how gossips actually hurt themselves.

Today I shall ...
assiduously avoid talking about other people's faults, and instead try to find my own, so that I can improve upon them.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 26

They shall make for Me a Sanctuary and I shall dwell among them (Exodus 25:8).

The Midrash notes that God did not say, "I shall dwell within it" (the Sanctuary), but "I shall dwell among them" (the Israelites), i.e. the Divine Presence will be within each person.

There are two types of possible relationships. A person may relate to an object, which is a one-way relationship, since the object cannot reciprocate, or a person may react to God and to people, which should be a two-way relationship. Another difference between relating to objects and to beings is that things should be used, whereas God and people should be loved. Unfortunately, the reverse may occur, wherein people fall in love with things but they use God and people. People who behave this way perceive God and people as if they were objects. Inasmuch as the love of oneself is an inevitable fact, love of God and people can occur only when they are permitted to become part of oneself, because then one loves them as one does one's own eyes and ears.

If my relationship to God is limited to going to the Sanctuary and praying for my needs, then I am merely using Him, and God becomes an external object. But when I make His will mine, then His will resides within me and He becomes part of me. This is undoubtedly what the Zohar means by, "Israel, the Torah, and God are one unit," because the Torah, which is the Divine will, is inseparable from God, and when one incorporates the Torah with one's own code of conduct and values, one unites with God.

Today I shall ...
try to make my relationship with God more than an object relationship, by incorporating the Torah to be my will.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 27
 

One who withholds grain will be cursed by the nation (Proverbs 11:26).

This verse refers to people who have knowledge and refuse to share it with others. Our Sages strongly criticize these people. The Talmud states that prophets who did not convey their prophecies to the people committed a grave sin. The Sages extend this principle to one who has gained insights into the Torah and does not make them available to others.

This principle applies to skills and talents. In the Sanctuary, those Kohanim (priests) who possessed certain talents were soundly condemned if they guarded them as family secrets.

Exclusive economic rights such as patents and copyrights pose no problem; inventors and authors should enjoy the profits of their labor. However, when the question is not one of income, but merely one of pride in being the sole person to possess information that others could use and enjoy, the Talmud spares no words in its condemnation.

We pray to God to grant us wisdom, and if we possess a particular skill, we should recognize it as a Divine gift. We should be grateful for having been chosen as the recipient of this gift, and so we should never be selfish and claim this gift as our exclusive property. Rather, we should make our talents and knowledge available to everyone.

To the degree that people can teach, they are obligated to do so, regardless of their status in life. If others fail to take advantage of what a teacher has to offer, that is their misfortune.

Today I shall ...

refrain from keeping to myself any knowledge or information that can be helpful to others.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 28

Every clever person will act with good sense, whereas a fool will declare his folly (Proverbs 13:16).

The Malbim interprets this verse to mean that the clever person will find ways to resolve doubts, but the fool will create new ones.

The doubts to which the Malbim is referring are those that relate to Torah and mitzvos. A person who feels that observance of the mitzvos is an imposition may look for ways to justify non-compliance, and may do so by casting doubts on their validity. He may find what he feels to be inconsistencies, or argue that science challenges Torah principles. However, he succeeds in deceiving no one other than himself. Everyone else knows that he is not motivated by a search for truth, but merely by a desire to avoid any inconveniences.

A clever person, who may be subject to the same arguments, will realize that all of the objections of which he can think were known to greater minds than his. Our history is replete with intellectual giants and philosophical geniuses, whose absolute dedication to Torah and mitzvos was not affected in the least by all the challenges which may appear so cogent. One can safely rely on their conclusion that after considering all arguments, they concluded that the teachings of Torah were correct.

The person who uses arguments to evade Torah observance is placing his mind above that of the intellectual giants of our heritage. Only a fool would do that.

Today I shall ...
rest assured that the teachings of the Torah are the correct way of life.

[phkrause]

Tammuz 29

The king of Egypt died, and the Israelites sighed in their enslavement, and they wailed (Exodus 2:23).

One commentary explains that the enslaved Israelites had feared to sigh or cry, because their ruthless taskmasters would punish them for "complaining." When the king of Egypt died, the entire country was in mourning, and the Israelites exploited this opportunity to cry, since at that point, crying was socially acceptable as a sign of mourning the death of the king.

There is a Yiddish idiom: "to look for a badekens." A badekens is that part of the marriage ceremony where the parents cover the bride's face with a veil and give her their blessing. A highly emotional moment, it generally brings all present to cry. Therefore, if people are reluctant to cry for fear of revealing their emotional pain, they will "look for a badekens"; i.e. find an opportunity where crying is the norm, so that their crying will not indicate any personal pain.

Why should we need any subterfuge? What is wrong with showing our emotions? Why is crying equated with character weakness? Why should brave people not cry when they feel hurt? Where is the benefit in being an unemotional stone? We may read an account of a person who "cried unashamedly." Why should there be any shame in crying?

Our ancestors in Egypt suppressed their emotions because they feared their oppressors' retaliation. Whom do we fear when we suppress our emotions? Perhaps only our friends and peers, who are also suppressing their emotions because they fear what we will think of them. How foolish!

Today I shall ...
feel free to express my emotions and not restrain myself for invalid reasons.

[phkrause]

Av 1

One whose anger and wrath are intense is not too far removed from insanity (Orchos Tzaddikim, Chapter 12).

It is not unusual to observe a person explode at what appears to be a minor provocation. When the response is so disproportionate to the stimulus, most likely the anger is not at all directed toward this provocation, but it has been displaced from some other target.

For example, someone becomes angry at his employer, but knows that to express this anger would jeopardize his job. His suppressed anger continues to churn within him and intensify precisely because it is being suppressed, because the frustration of not being able to discharge it adds to its fury. Upon coming home, someone in the household says or does something trivial, and our employee erupts with a violent outburst of rage.

Irrationality borders on insanity, since both essentially deny reality. In the above case, reality did not warrant so extreme a reaction; hence, the inappropriate reaction can be considered akin to insanity.

Granted that one cannot safely discharge his anger at his boss, but suppressing the anger is not the only alternative. A few moments of rational thought might help him get a handle on his anger. He might ask himself, "Why did the boss's comment affect me so deeply? Is it because I resent the superior-inferior relationship we have? Is it because I am insecure and I am interpreting his remark as a threat to my livelihood? Is it because his comment aroused self-doubts which I have been harboring?"

Analysis of an emotion can help dissipate it and prevent us from developing a short fuse which will result in an explosive reaction.

Today I shall ...
try to analyze my anger and avoid developing an inappropriate response.

[phkrause]

Av 2
 

You know the secrets of the world and that which is concealed in the recesses of every living thing (Yom Kippur Machzor).

In this prayer, we acknowledge that God knows all our hidden, innermost thoughts. We then come to vidui (confession) and verbalize all our misdeeds and faults. This process seems a bit contradictory. Since we have just stated that God knows all that we do, feel, and think, why do we relate everything verbally to Him?

We have many thoughts and feelings which we would like to disown. We may consider them so reprehensible that we hate to admit that we harbor them. We therefore repress them, keep them out of our awareness, and make believe that they do not exist.

A make-believe world is not real. Telling ourselves that these unacceptable thoughts and feelings do not exist will get us nowhere. From the depths of our unconscious minds, they will continue to clamor for recognition and expression. They either succeed in coming to the fore, or they drain our energies as we force them back down.

Our Sages suggested a solution. There is no point in concealing our thoughts or feelings anywhere, for regardless of where they may be hidden, God knows them. We shouldn't worry, for His love is unconditional, and He loves us in spite of our shortcomings. Since God knows that we have these thoughts and feelings, then at least as far as He is concerned, the secret is out. If so, we might as well be aware of them ourselves. And now, the need for repression disappears.

Therefore, we acknowledge our shortcomings verbally, not in order to tell God, but to tell ourselves that which He already knows.

Today I shall ...

try to eliminate the need for repression by realizing that God knows what I have kept secret even from myself.

[phkrause]

Av 3

Gemilus chassadim is very great (Succah 49b).

Some people do favors for other people to get approval. This behavior pattern is based on the assumption that if they do not help others, they will not be liked. This assumption in turn derives from a basic feeling that they are unlikable, and that they must do something positive to overcome this unlikability.

Such behavior is fraught with serious consequences. If the object of their kindness fails to show approval, they are likely to feel angry, because in their eyes he or she took advantage of them by accepting the favor and not paying out the expected approval. In general, people who feel that they are unlikable do not manage anger well, for they feel that showing anger and resentment will alienate people from them. Their only solution then is to do more for people to overcome this new threat of alienation. This process sets up a vicious cycle that drains their energies as they continue to exhaust themselves in both doing for others and suppressing their increasing anger, resentment, and unhappiness.

Therefore, we should not do acts of kindness to incur the favor of others. Instead, we should concentrate on doing kindness because it is right, and we can then show kindness even to our sworn enemies, who will never like us regardless of what we may do for them.

Today I shall ...
do good deeds because they are the right thing to do, rather than to ingratiate myself.

[phkrause]

Av 4
 

It is not that fear causes indolence, but rather that indolence causes fear (Mesilas Yesharim, Chapter 9).

With this statement, Rabbi Luzzato makes a very important psychological point: we often deceive ourselves by reversing cause and effect. How many times have we heard (and said): "I am afraid to do so and so because ..."? We convince ourselves that this thought is the truth, while the real reason is that we are lazy. However, since we do not wish to admit laziness, we rationalize that the fear of some danger is keeping us from taking action.

I have seen many young people, who are reluctant to go on with their education or undertake any constructive course, become "drifters." They attribute their problem to indecisiveness or anxiety. Analytical oriented therapists may spend many fruitless hours trying to discover the psychological roots for their indecisiveness and anxiety. Cognitive psychotherapists, who urge them into action first and deal with the underlying factors later, have much better success. Why? The indecisiveness or anxiety is not the cause, but merely an excuse these young people give themselves to cover up their indolence.

Luzzato's Path of the Just is both a great work of ethics and a treasury of psychological wisdom. As the author says in the introduction, it is a book that should not only be studied and thoroughly digested, but re-read many times. Group study and discussion of this great work are particularly enlightening.

Nothing can be so misleading and hence destructive to our lives as self-deception. Serious study of Path of the Just accomplishes two things: (1) the mitzvah of Torah study, and (2) invaluable lessons about how to avoid self-deception.

Today I shall ...

realize that I may be cleverly deceiving myself. Therefore, I will try to find ways to discover such self-deception.

[phkrause]

Av 5
 

A song of gratitude ... Serve God with joy (Psalms 100:1-2).

People who have sustained adversity often feel very grateful for having been personally spared. When they walk away unscathed from a severe automobile accident, they may be thankful that they did not suffer serious injury. This gratitude may be so overwhelming that it utterly obscures the financial loss of the ruined car.

One might think that victims of automobile accidents or burnt houses would be bitter and defiant, expressing anger at God for the grave loss they had sustained. Instead, it appears to be within human nature to react differently. If we are alive and whole, and our children are safe, our gratitude may be so dominant that anger does not even appear.

Strangely, when lesser reversals occur, anger and bitterness do appear. The reason must be that we are not aware of any great danger from which we were spared. The Talmud states that the verse, He does great works alone (Psalms 136:4), means that God alone is aware of the wondrous acts that occur, and that humans who benefit from them are unaware of them.

A person would be wise to always be grateful, even when adversities occur, and apply the same attitude as when one walks away without a scratch from a serious automobile accident saying, "Thank God, I'm safe."

Today I shall ...

make it a point to be grateful to God under all circumstances.

[phkrause]

Av 6

A piece of dry bread with peace is better than an abundant house with strife (Proverbs 17:1).

One young man whom I treated for drug addiction expressed what must be on the minds of many young people who have either used drugs or resorted to other unhealthy types of behavior.

"I wanted the kicks and I wanted them now," he said. "I didn't see any reason to wait for anything because I had no dreams of a happy future. Why should I exert myself? To achieve success and wealth? I could go to law school, and if I were lucky, become a successful lawyer and make a great deal of money. I could then have a house in the suburbs with a huge garden and a swimming pool. I could have a luxury car and a summer home with a speedboat. Well, that is exactly what my home looks like, and our home must be one of the most miserable places in the world. My parents have always been bickering, and they are now in the middle of divorce proceedings. If knocking myself out to achieve success will bring me that kind of happiness, forget it!"

For some young people, the worst thing that happened to them was that the American dream came true - and proved itself to be a nightmare. Money alone cannot create a pleasant, peaceful household; only when the family's goals are spiritual can the household be a happy one. If this household is not rich, the absence of luxuries can be tolerated; if it is rich, the luxuries can be truly enjoyed.

Today I shall ...
re-examine my values with the realization that material success alone never produces happiness.

[phkrause]

Av 7
 

One who conceals his sins will not succeed (Proverbs 28:13).

Another verse states, Fortunate is one who conceals his faults (Psalms 32:1). How are these two verses to be reconciled?

There are two types of concealment. People who realize that they have done wrong and now feel bad about it are obviously not likely to make a public declaration. Rather, they will be remorseful and resolve not to make the same mistake again. They do not deceive themselves and think they have done no wrong. The Psalmist speaks of these people and says, Fortunate is he whose sins God will not consider, and there is no deceit in his spirit (ibid. 32:2). This honesty leads to forgiveness, and the concealment referred to is in contrast to those who flaunt their wrongful behavior, thereby indicating that they believe it to be correct.

Proverbs is referring to those who conceal their sins from themselves, either by repression or by any of the many distortions that people use to justify their errant behavior. These people are dishonest with themselves, and they stand in contrast to the person who "has no deceit in his spirit."

Obviously, people who deceive themselves cannot be honest with others, even if they try to do so. The unlucky prospector, for instance, who actually believes that his fool's gold is genuine, will think he is being honest when he sells it as genuine. If his "innocent" dishonesty is exposed, his loss of trustworthiness will preclude his being successful in anything else.

Honesty is certainly commendable, but we must first make certain that we are honest with ourselves.

Today I shall ...

examine myself, my emotions, and my motivations, to avoid self-deception.

[phkrause]

Av 8

If a person commits a sin and repeats it, it appears to him as permissible (Yoma 86b).

As every scientist knows, different substances have different properties. Some liquids freeze at 0 degrees C; others at minus 60 degrees C. Some materials burn at higher temperatures than others, and some metals have greater resilience than others. In order to know how to work with any substance, we must know what its particular properties are. Ignorance of a substance's properties results in failure of the project at best and disaster at worst, as in the case of an engineer who overestimates the strength of the cables that suspend a bridge.

What are the properties of a human being? Physically, we know that we can survive only within a certain range of temperatures. But what about the guidelines for our spiritual survival? It would be foolish to think that there are no limits. Excellent guidelines do exist, and these are available in Jewish works on ethics.

The above Talmudic passage is an example. A person knows that doing something is wrong, but submits to temptation and does it anyway. He or she is likely to feel guilty, do teshuvah and thereby avoid repeating the act. However, if he or she fails to do so and repeats the forbidden act, the stimulus necessary for teshuvah may be lost. The Talmudic authors were astute students of human behavior, and they tell us that two consecutive commissions of a wrong act may cause people to totally lose their perspective; they are now apt to develop an attitude whereby what was once wrong is now perfectly permissible.

We do not have much leeway. If we do not promptly try to amend a wrong act, we may lose the opportunity to do so, because if we repeat it a second time, we may no longer realize that it is wrong.

Today I shall ...
resolve to promptly do teshuvah at the first awareness that I have done something wrong.