Growing Each Day by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski

[phkrause]

23 Cheshvan

For this thing (observance of the mitzvos) is extremely close to you, in your mouth and in your heart to do it (Deuteronomy 30:14).

Given the 365 restrictions and prohibitions of the Torah and the demand for performance of 248 mitzvos, how can Moses say that it is not only easy to observe, but that it is extremely close to you; i.e. extremely easy to do?

The answer lies in one simple word that is repeated no less than fourteen times in this short (forty-verse) portion of the Torah: "Today." Moreover, the word appears superfluous; every verse could read just as well without it. The Torah must be telling us that if we concentrate on today's challenges and leave tomorrow's for tomorrow, then this challenge is extremely easy to accomplish.

I have seen this message in my own work. When people who have abused alcohol for decades come for treatment of their alcoholism, they can be extremely frightened by the prospect that they will never again be able to take a drink. Giving up alcohol for life appears to be virtually impossible. The method that works best in overcoming alcoholism is that advocated by Alcoholics Anonymous: since you can do nothing today about tomorrow's sobriety, don't worry today about how you will stay sober tomorrow. You will have ample opportunity to concern yourself tomorrow about tomorrow's challenge. Today, just take care of today.

Today I shall ...

... try to concentrate on those things that are within my capacity to do today, and avoid worrying about challenges that are not within today's range of action.

[phkrause]

24 Cheshvan

What the recipient of alms does for the donor is greater than what the donor does for the recipient (Vayikra Rabbah 34:8).

Rabbi Yitzchok of Zidachov said, "Life consists of give and take. Everyone must be a giver and a receiver. Those who are not both are as a barren tree."

There is a charming Jewish custom: on Erev Yom Kippur or on Hoshana Rabbah, people ask or "beg" for cake from friends. The rationale is that just in case it was Divinely decreed for someone to be a beggar, the begging for cake will fulfill this decree, and so one would be free from such a fate.

Another important reason for this custom could be that giving is easy, because we can then feel magnanimous. Still, it is crucial that we also empathize with the person who needs assistance and realize how painful and degrading it is to beg and to depend on others. Only then will we be able to take into consideration the feelings of those who must ask for help and express our feelings by providing words of comfort and encouragement along with the material help. Lack of empathy when giving charity can lead to arrogance.

We must realize that in some ways we are all takers, for even in the very act of giving charity we take more than we give.

Today I shall ...

... try to identify with people who ask for help and avoid considering myself superior to those whom I offer help or give charity.

[phkrause]

25 Cheshvan

May we have life in which God fulfills our hearts' desires for good (Siddur).

The followers of Rabbi Uri of Strelisk were all poor. When another Chassidic master visited him, he asked Rabbi Uri why he did not pray that his congregants become more prosperous.

Rabbi Uri called in a follower whose shabby clothing attested to his poverty. He said to him, "Now is a special moment of grace, and you will be granted anything your heart desires. Ask for whatever you wish."

Without a moment's hesitancy, the man said, "I wish to be able to say Baruch She'amar (the opening prayer of the morning service) with the same fervor as the Rabbi does."

Rabbi Uri turned to his friend. "You see now for yourself!" he said. "They do not want riches. Why should I intercede to get them something they do not want?"

We ask God for many things, but most importantly, we should pray that He enlighten us what it is that we should pray for, lest we waste our prayers by asking for things that are not to our ultimate advantage and fail to ask for what is really essential.

Today I shall ...

... try to think about what it is that I really need and that is in my best interest, instead of focusing on things that may seem desirable but are really inconsequential.

[phkrause]

26 Cheshvan

If you should neglect [the study] of Torah, you will find many excuses to neglect it (Ethics of the Fathers 4:12).

Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk once met a disciple of Rabbi Moshe of Kobrin.

"What was most important to your Rabbi?" he asked.

The disciple replied, "Whatever he happened to be doing at the moment."

Time should be precious to us. It is irreplaceable; unlike money, a moment that is lost can never be regained. Still, we protect our money far more than our time.

Absolute idleness consists of doing nothing. But there is also a relative idleness, when we occupy ourselves with things of lesser value.

If what we are doing at any given time is not the most important thing at that moment, something else must be even more important. If that is so, why are we neglecting what is more important and spending our time on what is less important? Would we be so foolish to spend our time earning less money when we could just as well be earning more

Today I shall ...

... try to realize the value of time, and make every moment count.

[phkrause]

27 Cheshvan

If a person has an equal number of mitzvos and sins, he is given the opportunity to repent until Yom Kippur. If he repents, he is inscribed for life; but if not, he is inscribed for death (Maimonides, Teshuvah 3:3).

Why should people be condemned if, by Yom Kippur, their mitzvos still equal their sins? If the two exactly balance each other, should they not be judged with mercy?Rabbi Yisrael of Salant said that the answer is obvious. If people are given the opportunity to repent for their sins, yet still fail to do so, their negligence is a sin so terrible that it outweighs all the mitzvos. While people cannot justify their sins, they can say that the intensity of temptation was overwhelming. As one Chassidic master pleaded, "Almighty God, if You had placed the terrors of Gehinnom before people's eyes and had concealed temptation in books, I swear to You that no one would sin. But You put temptation right before people's eyes and relegated the terrors of Gehinnom to the books, where it exists as an abstraction! Is it any wonder that people sin?"Still, once the sin has been committed and the temptation assuaged, what justification can there be for not regretting that one has done wrong? Hence, said Rabbi Yisrael of Salant, the seriousness of a failure to repent. Sin may stem from an inherent weakness; neglect to rectify past wrongs constitutes an act of defiance and an attitude of unforgivable, arrogant self-righteousness which cannot be forgiven.

Today I shall ...

... make a reckoning of things I have done, and have the courage to recognize and admit what I have done wrong.

[phkrause]

28 Cheshvan

Even if the entire world considers you a tzaddik (pious and righteous), you should nevertheless think of yourself as if you were sinful (Niddah 30b).

In 1965, I visited the Steipler Gaon, a sage whom people often consulted for medical advice. Since he had heard that I was a psychiatrist, he wanted to find out new developments in medications for mental illnesses. I related to the Gaon whatever I knew about the most recent advances.

"Is anything available that can cure someone from delusions?" he asked. I told the Gaon that delusions were very resistant to treatment, and that while antipsychotic medications could subdue overt psychotic behavior, the delusional thinking itself was difficult to eradicate.

"But what if someone has the delusion that he is the greatest tzaddik in the generation?" the Gaon asked. I could not restrain myself and laughingly replied, "No medication can cure that."

The Gaon shook his head sadly. "Too bad," he said. "That malady is so widespread."

Delusions of any kind are a sign of mental illness. How sick a person must be to consider oneself a tzaddik, and how wise the Talmud was to caution us against developing such delusions!

Today I shall ...

... try to be honest with myself, and even if my behavior is such that people may think I am a tzaddik, I must not allow myself to be deluded.

[phkrause]

29 Cheshvan

If one builds a wall adjacent to a neighbor's windows, it must be built far enough that he not intrude on his neighbor's privacy (Bava Basra 22a, free translation).

In Jewish law, privacy is a right. As the above excerpt from the Talmud shows, a court can protect an individual's privacy.

Physical privacy is but one dimension of one's right; we also have the right to keep knowledge of our affairs away from the public eye. Not only can discussing or disclosing another person's affairs cause great damage, but in addition, it can intrude upon the other person's privacy. People have a right to their own thoughts and feelings, and this right to privacy must be respected, even among friends and family members.

Some people get offended when they discover that someone withheld personal information that they felt they had a right to know. Of course, while a person entering a partnership (whether business or personal) has a right to know certain things (such as the other party's past record of honesty), the other party certainly has the right to keep other things private.

Intimacy is a bridge between two separate people; only if we respect another person's right to a "self," a sense of privacy, can we expect intimacy to exist.

Today I shall ...

... try to remember that other people have rights to their own thoughts and feelings, and avoid intruding on other people's privacy.

[phkrause]

1 Kislev

I am but dust and ashes (Genesis 18:27).Everyone must say, "The world was created for my sake" (Sanhedrin 37a).

Rabbi Bunim of Pshis'cha said that everyone should have two pockets; one to contain, "I am but dust and ashes," and the other to contain, "The world was created for my sake." At certain times, we must reach into one pocket; at other times, into the other. The secret of correct living comes from knowing when to reach into which.

Humility is the finest of all virtues and is the source of all admirable character traits. Yet, if a person considers himself to be utterly insignificant, he may not care about his actions. He may think, "What is so important about what I do? It makes no difference, so long as I do not harm anyone." Such feelings of insignificance can cause immoral behavior.

When a person does not feel that his actions are significant, he either allows impulses to dominate his behavior or slouches into inactivity. At such a time, he must reach into the pocket of personal grandeur and read: "I am specially created by God. He has a mission that only I can achieve. Since this is a Divine mission, the entire universe was created solely to enable me to accomplish this particular assignment."

When presidents and premiers delegate missions to their officials, those officials feel a profound sense of responsibility to carry out the mission in the best possible manner. How much more so when we are commissioned by God!

Today I shall ...

... keep in mind both the humbleness and the grandeur of the human being.

[phkrause]

2 Kislev

I shall praise God among a multitude (Psalms 26:12).

While the prayer and performance of a mitzvah are always praiseworthy, it is especially meritorious when an entire community participates in it, as the Sages teach, The prayer of a multitude is never turned away (Devarim Rabbah 2).

Nothing is more pleasing to God than to see His children bound together in friendship and placing the common welfare above personal ambitions. Indeed, the Talmud states that when Jews are united, God is willing to overlook even serious transgressions.

As for ourselves, nothing is more important than realizing that no one is an island, and that we are all interdependent. The idea of complete self-sufficiency is an illusion and probably a desperate attempt at ego-building by someone who is plagued by feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.

When we do things together, we both give and receive. Others are strengthened in their resolve and actions by our participation, and we are stimulated and encouraged by theirs.

Another added benefit: Commenting on the verse, Five of you will pursue one hundred enemies and one hundred will pursue ten thousand (Leviticus 26:8), the Midrash states that when a multitude observes the Torah, their strength is not merely additive, but increases exponentially.

In working with alcoholics, I have observed the enormous power that can come from a group effort. As one recovering person said to the group, "There is nothing I could do without you, and there is nothing I cannot do when I have you."

Today I shall ...

... try to pool my strength by joining others in prayer, Torah study, and the performance of mitzvos.

[phkrause]

3 Kislev

God is your shadow at your right hand (Psalms 121:5).

The Baal Shem Tov taught that God acts toward individuals accordingly as they act toward other people. Thus, if people are willing to forgive those who have offended them, God will similarly overlook their misdeeds. If a person is very judgmental and reacts with anger to any offense, God will be equally strict. The meaning of, God is your shadow, is that a person's shadow mimics his or her every action.

At a therapy session for family members of recovering alcoholics, one woman told the group that she had experienced frustration from many years of infertility and tremendous joy when she finally conceived. Her many expectations were shattered, however, when the child was born with Down's syndrome.

"I came to love that child dearly," she said, "but the greatest thing that child has done for me is to make me realize that if I can love him so in spite of his imperfections, then God can love me in spite of my many imperfections."

If we wish to know how God will relate to us, the answer is simple: exactly in the same way we relate to others. If we demand perfection from others, He will demand it of us. If we can love others even though they do not measure up to our standards and expectations, then He will love us in spite of our shortcomings.

Today I shall ...

... try to relate to people in the same manner I would wish God to relate to me.

[phkrause]

4 Kislev

The voice of God is in the force (Psalms 29:4).

The Midrash on this verse comments, "It does not say that `the voice of God is in His force,' but in the force; it `is in the force of every individual.' `' What God demands of every individual never exceeds the capacities He gave that person. Similarly, the Midrash notes that when the first of the Ten Commandments states: I am Hashem, your God, it uses the singular possessive form, because every Israelite felt that God was addressing him or her individually.

The stresses of life may be extremely trying, and the burden some people must carry may appear to be excessive. Yet, we must never despair. Rather, we must believe that regardless of how great our burdens may be, we have the strength to bear it. This faith should give us the courage to struggle with and master our struggle.

Sometimes circumstances become so taxing that we believe we are at our breaking point. This is when a righteous person will be sustained by the faith that although his or her burden may be heavy, it is never too heavy.

Today I shall ...

... try to remember that God has given me enough strength to withstand the stresses to which I am subject.

[phkrause]

5 Kislev

You might say to yourself, "My might and the power of my hand have gained me this wealth" (Deuteronomy 8:17).

Moses warned the Israelites that upon entering Canaan and inheriting a prosperous and fertile land "flowing with milk and honey," they should not think that their own prowess had made them wealthy. Rather, they should be aware that Israel was a Divine gift.

For that generation, the challenge was not too difficult, because as Moses had pointed out to them earlier, they had personally experienced forty years of miraculous survival in the desert wilderness, fed by the daily manna and watered by a spring which accompanied them on their journeys. With such overt manifestations of Divine wonders, they would not be likely to ascribe any future success to their own strength and cunning.

Today, however, we stand many centuries away from the Biblical times. We may think that the world operates purely by natural law; that we can completely determine our own fate and fortune, and in which success or failure are due to our shrewdness in business or how much effort we exert.

Thus, Moses' message was intended for us even more than for his generation. Surely we are required to engage in work for the Torah itself states that God will bless the work of "your hands" (Deuteronomy 14:29)], but we should not lose sight of the fact that the Divine blessing, not brains or brawn, ultimately determines our fortune. The only difference between today and Moses' time is that there, God's hand was manifest everywhere, but today it is concealed.

Today I shall ...

... try to remember that even though I work hard, the results of my efforts are determined by Divine blessing.

[phkrause]

6 Kislev

For I have loved him [Abraham], because he commands his children and household after him to observe the way of God (Genesis 18:19).

God knew that Abraham would be able to convey the Divine teachings to future generations, because He knew Abraham to be capable of overcoming his intense love and apply stern discipline when it was needed.

In my work with addicted individuals, one of the most difficult tasks I have is to convince their family members, especially the parents, of the importance of "tough love"; that condoning destructive behavior actually encourages it, and enables it to continue and worsen. Although Abraham loved his son Ishmael, he did not allow these feelings to deter him from the necessary discipline (Genesis 21:9-14).

Love is an admirable feeling, but it can be destructive if it is misdirected. Sometimes we must rein in our love and apply strict measures. While doing so will cause us great distress, our failure to do so will ultimately cause even greater distress to all concerned. Loving parents submit their infants to immunization which may be painful. "Tough love" is not cruelty, but, like some life-saving medicines that taste bitter, it is helpful albeit unpleasant."

Today I shall ...

... try to direct my love where it is appropriate and constructive, and be able to apply discipline when it is necessary.

[phkrause]

7 Kislev

Be very, very humble (Ethics of the Fathers 4:4).

Rabbi Raphael of Bershed complained bitterly to his teacher, Rabbi Pinchas of Koretz, that he was unable to eradicate feelings of vanity.

Rabbi Pinchas tried to help him by suggesting different methods, but Rabbi Raphael replied that he had already tried every one without success. He then pleaded with his mentor to do something to extirpate these egotistical feelings. Rabbi Pinchas then rebuked his disciple. "What is it with you, Raphael, that you expect instant perfection? Character development does not come overnight, regardless of how much effort you exert. Eradication of stubborn character traits takes time as well as effort. Today you achieve a little, and tomorrow you will achieve a bit more.

"You are frustrated and disappointed because you have not achieved character perfection as quickly as you had wished.

"Continue to work on yourself. Pray to God to help you with your character perfection. It will come in due time, but you must be patient."

The Talmud states, "Be very, very humble," to indicate that true self-betterment is a gradual process. We achieve a bit today, and a little more tomorrow.

Today I shall ...

... try to be patient with myself. While I will do my utmost to rid myself of undesirable character traits, I will not become frustrated if I do not achieve instant perfection.

[phkrause]

8 Kislev

Sins that are between a man and his fellow man are not forgiven on Yom Kippur unless he has appeased him (Yoma 85b).

One Sabbath day, the aged Steipler Gaon insisted on going to a particular synagogue some distance away. His family tried to dissuade him because the long walk would be too taxing, but he insisted and in fact made the difficult walk.

The Gaon later explained that some time earlier, he had reprimanded a young boy for putting a volume of the Talmud into the bookcase upside down, which is considered to be disrespectful handling of a sacred book. The boy then showed the Gaon that the volume was bound incorrectly; the cover was upside down, but the book itself was put away upright. The Gaon then apologized to the young boy.

"But because this young boy was not yet bar mitzvah," the Gaon explained, "he was a minor who was unable (according to Jewish law) to grant forgiveness. When I heard that he was to become bar mitzvah this Sabbath, I had to avail myself of the opportunity to obtain proper forgiveness."

Everyone at some point says or does something that offends another person. Too often, we dismiss the incident without giving it a second thought and so are unlikely to remember it so that we will apologize when the opportunity arises. The above incident should help us realize the seriousness of offending a child, and the importance of obtaining proper forgiveness.

Today I shall ...

... try to make amends to anyone whom I have offended, and make certain that I do more than lip service in apologizing.

[phkrause]

9 Kislev

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!

Today I shall ...

... try to avoid striving for material excesses, and increase my efforts to provide my neshamah with spiritual nourishment.

[phkrause]

10 Kislev

Train a young lad according to his method, so that when he grows older he will not deviate from it (Proverbs 22:6).

He shall not deviate from it - the child will not deviate from the method with which he was taught. That method refers to the way we are taught to adapt to life's many hurdles, struggles, and tests.

Education consists of more than just imparting knowledge; it also means training and preparation in how to deal with life. Knowledge is certainly important, but is by no means the sum total of education.

"A person does not properly grasp a Torah principle unless he errs in it" (Gittin 43b). People usually do not really grasp anything unless they first do it wrong. In fact, the hard way is the way to learn. Children learn to walk by stumbling and picking themselves up; young people learn to adjust to life by stumbling and picking themselves up.

Parents and teachers have ample opportunities to serve as role models for their children and students, to demonstrate how to adapt to mistakes and failures. If we show our children and students only our successes, but conceal our failures from them, we deprive them of the most valuable learning opportunities.

We should not allow our egos to interfere with our roles as educators. Parents and teachers fulfill their obligations when they become role models for real life.

Today I shall ...

... try to share with others, especially with younger people, how I have overcome and survived my mistakes.

[phkrause]

11 Kislev

The writing was the writing of God, inscribed on the tablets (Exodus 32:16).

The Talmud states that the word charus (inscribed) can also be read phonetically as chairus (liberty). The verse is thus telling us that Divine law which stresses using our minds to control ourselves provides true liberty and freedom.

In working with alcoholics and addicts, I have come to realize that the most absolute slavery does not come from enslavement by another person, but from enslavement by one's own drives. No slavemaster has ever dominated anyone the way alcohol, heroin, and cocaine dominate the addict, who must lie, steal, and even kill to obey the demands of the addiction.

Such domination is not unique to addiction. We may not realize that passion of any kind may totally control us and ruthlessly terrorize us. We may rationalize and justify behavior that we would otherwise have considered as totally alien to us, but when our passion demands it, we are helpless to resist.

Many people think they are free, yet they are really pawns in the hands of their drives. Like the addict, they are not at all in control, and do not have the fundamental feature of humanity: freedom.

Our only defense is to become masters over our desires rather than their slaves. We must direct our minds to rule over the passions of our hearts.

Today I shall ...

... try to achieve true freedom, which means doing what I know is the best thing to do, instead of what I feel like doing.

[phkrause]

12 Kislev

The wise person will listen (to reprimand) and add to his wisdom (Proverbs 1:5).

One night, when Yehudah Aryeh, the future author of the Sfas Emes, was a young boy, he studied Torah the entire night and did not get to bed until shortly before dawn. Although he slept only a short while, he arose later than usual, and his grandfather, Rabbi Yitzchak Meir of Gur, sharply reprimanded him for not arising early to study. The young Yehudah Aryeh absorbed the rebuke in silence.

A friend who knew the real reason asked him: "Why didn't you explain to your grandfather why you awoke late?"

"What!" said the young Yehudah Aryeh. "And miss the opportunity to hear mussar (reprimand) from my grandfather?"

At a tender age, Yehudah Aryeh understood the profound wisdom of King Solomon, who repeatedly stresses that the wise actively pursue mussar while fools avoid it.

Mussar is to our character what water is to a plant. Abundant mussar promotes growth of character, just as water promotes the growth of a plant. Yehudah Aryeh realized that he could easily have justified his late arising, and perhaps might have even received commendation from his grandfather for his diligence. He knew, however, that while praise may be pleasant, it is not as conducive to growth as is reprimand, even though the latter may be unpleasant.

Today I shall ...

...

try to realize that accepting constructive criticism will help me grow, and that reprimand can be helpful even when there is no actual grounds for rebuke.

[phkrause]

13 Kislev

"In whatever way a person chooses, therein is he led (Makkos 10b).

We tend to disown those thoughts, feelings, and actions that we dislike. Something we saw, read, or heard upset us, we like to think, and caused us to think, feel, or act in a certain way. We forget that we have considerable say in what we choose to see or hear.

Psychiatry and psychology have contributed to this abdication of responsibility. Their emphasis on the impact of early-life events on our emotions has been taken to mean that these factors determine our psyche, and that we are but helpless victims of our past.

We forget that if someone puts trash on our doorstep, we do not have to take it in; even if it was put into the house and filled it with an odor, we have the option to throw it out and clean up. Similarly, even if early-life experiences have an impact, the effects are not cast in stone; we can take steps to overcome them.

A man once complained to his rabbi that alien thoughts were interfering with his prayer and meditation. The rabbi shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know why you refer to them as alien," he said. "They are your own."

If we stop disowning feelings and actions, we may be able to do something about them.

Today I shall ...

...

try to avoid exposing myself to those influences that are likely to stimulate feelings and behavior that I think are wrong.

[phkrause]

14 Kislev

And if not now, then when? (Ethics of the Fathers 1:14).

Hillel's famous statement is a bit enigmatic. The simple answer is, "Later." Why can't we take care of whatever it is some other time? Granted that procrastination is not a virtue, why does Hillel imply that if not now, then it will never be?

The Rabbi of Gur explained that if I do something later, it may indeed get done, but I will have missed the current "now." The present "now" has but a momentary existence, and whether used or not, it will never return. Later will be a different "now."

King Solomon dedicates seven famous verses of Ecclesiastes to his principle that everything has its specific time. His point comes across clearly: I can put off doing a good deed for someone until tomorrow, but will that deed, done exactly as I would have done it today, carry the same impact?

The wisdom that I learn at this moment belongs to this moment. The good deed that I do at this moment belongs to this moment. Of course I can do them later, but they will belong to the later moments. What I can do that belongs to this moment is only that which I do now.

Today I shall ...

... try to value each moment. I must realize that my mission is not only to get something done, but to get things done in their proper time, and the proper time may be now.

[phkrause]

15 Kislev

Enlighten our eyes in Your Torah (Siddur).

This prayer is not only for an understanding of Torah, but also that Torah may help us perceive the truth in everything.

The Torah tells the story of Hagar and Ishmael, who were stranded in the desert without water. Hagar abandoned her son and fled, saying that she could not bear to see him die of thirst. God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water (Genesis 21:19). God did not create a well where none had existed, but "opened her eyes" so that she could see an already-existing well, which she had not seen because of her state of panic.

Many opportunities may be right before our eyes, but if we become desperate and panicky, we may fail to see them, and the result may be a misfortune that could have been averted. Hagar almost lost Ishmael, not because there was no water, but because she could not see it. What was necessary was not a miracle, but just a correct perception of reality.

Torah teachings can provide guidance that can assist in avoiding distortions of reality.

Today I shall ...

... try to avoid panic and any other emotion that clouds my ability to see what is truly before me.

[phkrause]

16 Kislev

A smooth mouth makes for a slippery course (Proverbs 26:28).

The ethical Torah writings such as the Book of Proverbs vehemently condemn flattering people to obtain their favor. When we do so, we may not care whether the object of our praise deserves it. Praising people who do not merit it has at least two harmful effects. First, it reinforces that person's behavior. Second, it delivers a dangerous message, particularly to young people who like to emulate recipients of honor.

We should instead rebuke wrongdoers, and if we cannot reprimand them, we can at least refrain from praising them.

The key is to avoid becoming dependent on those whom we do not respect. We should not seek any prestige they can offer, nor place our livelihood in their hands. Flattery may cause us to compromise ourselves, reinforce wrong behavior, and teach our children that we respect wrongdoing.

Furthermore, we gain nothing from our sycophancy. The Sages observed that those who flatter to obtain favors may end up disgraced (Avos De'R' Nosson 29:4).

Today I shall ...

... try to avoid giving false praise to those who do not deserve it. I will not allow ulterior motives to compromise my principles.

[phkrause]

17 Kislev

From all those who have taught me I have gained wisdom (Psalms 119:99).

The Psalmist is telling us that he learned from everyone, that everyone was his teacher. From some, he learned what to do; from others, what not to do.

If we learn from others' mistakes, we need not make our own.

Just as we can learn from every person, we can learn from every event. Positive experiences are obvious sources of learning, because each positive act we do adds to our character and prepares us to better face the next challenge in life. Negative experiences can be valuable, too, but only if we are sufficiently alert to learn from them.

The list of lessons that we have learned the hard way may be long, but each one has taught us what not to do and thereby it becomes a positive experience. Indeed, the Talmud states that when people sincerely regret their mistakes and change themselves for the better, the wrongs that they did become actual merits (Yoma 86b). Only when we fail to learn from our mistakes and, rationalizing and justifying, obstinately insist that we were right, do our misdeeds remain deficits.

We have the capacity to make life itself a tremendous learning and growth experience.

Today I shall ...

... try to look for lessons from everyone and everything, whether my teacher is positive or negative.

[phkrause]

18 Kislev

In those days there was no king in Israel; each man did that which was proper in his own eyes (Judges 21:25).

At first glance, this verse appears to describe a chaotic state of affairs - anarchy itself - where in absence of a central authority everyone did as they pleased.

The Rabbi of Satmar said that this interpretation is incorrect. Everyone has common sense, which can reliably guide him to do right and avoid wrong. He derives his proof from the verse: Do that which is proper and good (Deuteronomy 6:18). How do we know what is proper and good if the Torah does not specify it? It must be that we have an innate common sense.

If so, why does the world seem so unjust? One reason might be that people do not act according to their own common sense, but rather according to what they think others might think of them. If people did what was good in their own eyes, we might have less injustice.

The driving force behind the lusts for power, fame, and wealth - which themselves lead to corrupt behavior - may not necessarily be what people want for themselves as much as their desire to impress others. If we stop behaving according to what we wish others to think, we might give our common sense a fighting chance.

Today I shall ...

... try to stop impressing others. Instead, I will try to reason for myself what is right and wrong.