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I would like to believe that we all do the best we can with what we have. Certainly our corporate view of God has changed over the years, for the better, I believe; more positive and loving. I have often regretted things said or done, and feared that the impression I left as someone who identifies with Lord Jesus did not rightly represent what I understand to be His character. Thankfully, God judges righteous judgement on the heart and not as we see.

As I think of it, I would like to say to Geaorrge that I have been really trying to understand your dilemma. I so appreciate your willingness to explain how it is for you. I know it is easy for others to pinpoint the block in someone else but please don't let that discourage you. I don't know why you have had the struggle you have. I am happy that in spite of it you are here with us And I am happy that you have shared!

Wow! I'm happy for the clarification I have found myself in situations that afterwards I so wished I could go back and undo. I know the shame of that realisation. I tell myself that it's easier to be careful than to have to backtrack and apologise later. Gay, your remark about viewing people as conversion targets is one that I have heard and read from both XSDAs and Adventists who have struggled with their lack of success in the venture. It really made me think about how it feels to be treated as such (a missionary project). As a result, I backed away from my family (yes, me, too!) and tried to find ways to treat them as I would like to be treated. We know that we desperately want a heavenly home for the ones that mean the most to us now. We know that Jesus WON people's wherever He went. The puzzle is how to narrow the gap in the two methods. Maybe that is why He told us to take His yoke upon us and learn of Him. And I believe that is what you are doing.

Yes, this black and white words is such a narrow limited communication, trying to make words say what words cannot say. i think it is really only about 1 percent of what we are thinking and feeling when we try to communicate in writing. you expressed well the amazing growing journey you have taken and how your mom is not here to witness this journey, and how you love her. Most of what we have known or know is non verbal, and most of what we think about we have never spoken. And very little of what we have talked about we have committed to writing about. i am not understood or at least it it not communicated to me in my family that i am understood or felt understood by my mother or father. That longing to connect and have fellowship and be understood and to understand, to belong, to be loved, and embraced by others unconditionally loved by the family of God is a divine gift. How precious when that longing is filled, when we have peace and fellowship and love in the family of God with closeness and intimacy. Too often we love or are loved from a distance, and if that is all there is we settle for that.

Gay, your post didn't strike me as judgmental of your Mom at all. So there's that.

Nephilim: I do not have a good answer to JoMo's question. But, the following may be considered to be a partial answer. Nephilim occurs in Genesis 6:4 and in Numbers 13:33. The NKJV follows the LXX which translated this Hebrew word into a Greek word that is then translated into the English word, giant. It is reasonable to believe that the Hebrew Nephilim is derived from the Hebrew word naphal. This might indicate that rather than a physical giant, these people were violent ones. Other suggestions are that the Nephilim were either extraordinary ones (heroes) or fallen ones.

GAYATFOOTOFCROSS thank you for posting this it was very neat how it did all those different shapes dgrimn60

Thank you. I cant imagine losing a child. I have one boy who is turning 34 soon enough and just got married. Maybe I will be a Grandpappy someday all dressed in Orange! Oh to find comfort in God's presence. In His love and concern! I am so happy you took the lil things in your life as a sign. You are right! We don't always see it. I have heard over the years of other Saints seeing God in animals and birds. Our pets. I never thought much about if I had such an encounter. But very recently what came to mind was something that happened long ago. I was leading a double life. Selling books by day and going to gay bars at night. I started drinking and smoking again. And I remember driving home after a night of riotous living and a giant white bird flew low and up the front of my windshield. Maybe the full moon was out cause it was so bright in my eyes, My car didn't touch it. It was elegant the way it graced up looking like it didn't have a care in the world. Was it a dove? It was about half the size of my windshield. Wings so wide! on the drivers side right in front of me. Almost like slow motion. I don't know to this day. It was strange ...I took it as an omen of my impending doom. I thought i was gonna die that night. God giving a sign ....taking away His Holy Spirit. I had a terrible picture of God back then. Waiting in anticipation to gleefully throw me aside. In the last few years and esp. in the last few months my image of God has been changing. Not quite a Universaliist cause of choice ... but I swear God is in the business of Saving more than what I was taught. Much more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been taking great comfort in that. When I had that early memory visited it was with God's presence. Changing into something more true to His character, He was reminding me He was still with me at my worst. Still in love with me. I really didn't think He loved me even when I was a goody goody. I was working so hard on myself to try to get Him to like me. Thank God I'm still not auditioning anymore. God is so good. It is so important to see Him that way with whatever is going on. Thank you for your Testimony.

..Well Closer to the Truth of the matter I never convey my thoughts well in type. That is my fault. I think its better that I leave my own personal heartaches and disappointments relating to what the church did to me growing up and how it manifested to my FAMILY. I was so gullible. I was being real with George in mind about disappointments or things not working out how we think it should. Thank you Debbym. As I said earlier. Others can be authentic. I cannot. So back to my favorite things to talk about. This love of GOD! God thinks the best about people.

My hope is somewhat based on what I believe to be personal encounters with God. I mentioned earlier about my "God experience" after my oldest son died. A while later, after a prolonged stressful period of being jobless and on the verge of hopelessness, I was on a walk having a pity party. A sparrow flew up and landed beside me, and just walked with me for about two blocks. When I would stop, he would stop, and just look up at me. When I came home, he walked up the driveway with me, and jumped on my shoe and started playing with my shoelace. Then he jumped up on my head and sang for a while. Then he flew off. I couldn't help but think about "his eyes are on the Sparrow". A little more than a year after that, after an extended painful illness and surgery, my wife was despairing, and wanted a sign from God that she would get better, The next day - Christmas morning, we got up to find a bald eagle standing on our back porch looking into our slider, wings wide-spread. That was enough of a sign for her. I believe that we often don't see God working because we don't look for it; or we narrow our vision to look for things only that we have prayed for to turn out in accordance with our expectations; rather than let God get a little "creative" with a solution to our problems. Sometimes we may think a potentially supernatural event was just a weird coincidence. Bottom line, I have hope because I believe I have witnessed things that only God could arrange. Not always to my liking, but God's workings nonetheless. This all is just my opinion and experience. I'm not trying to diminish the tribulations in anyone else's life. I still have some pretty adverse situations I'm facing in my life. But I also have faith or hope that this is all temporary; and that one day I will be with my Savior and this will all go away. Someone above said tribulations are also sent to show us our strengths. Good word! I agree. Unless we die prematurely, most of us may have to face the worst tribulation in the history of the planet - even worse than the flood. It would be nice to know our strengths and weaknesses before that time comes.

Now to be honest, I have not yet read this book!! But from reading this link I thought this would be something worthwhile to read, so I'm sharing and hoping many will also be interested in learning more?? http://simplyvinnie.com/seekingallahfindingjesus/

I never knew that crime ever paid?? Since while we might get away with crime in the here and now, when we come before the real judge! We wont??

Hi again! I believe I understand what you have been saying. I struggle with things that I see in myself. My circumstances haven't changed much over decades. My health. My weaknesses. My world. I have come to the conclusion I will no longer hold God hostage to what I think He should be doing in the world or in my life. I will not hold God hostage for things other people think where I should be at now also . He calls Himself Meek and Lowly at heart. He has shown Himself Selfless. A Servant God. I hang onto these things. It helps me in the here and now.

I wasn't really offering any reasoning Geoarrge. It was just two series of contrasting points us and God. it do believe God delights in meeting us where we are at times opening our eyes to his immediate workings to nudge our faith, and other times shrouds us in darkness when he draws nearest to not overwhelm us with his glory. some words given to me in a prolonged season of darkness, to avoid quoting... referred to God seeing the last events at the moment he saw he very first things that happened. this meant the most to me later when after enduring much difficulty and things got better i turned to God and great affirmation in my heart i acknowledged that God had seen this wonderful day when i could not. so yes it may be the best moments will come later.... and because we do not quit, and because we do not give up. i am so glad Jesus did not quit or give up. sometimes just staying alive is incredible movement, great advancement, even though it may not seem so.

we want God to be in our lives on our terms. We want our present felt concerns to be relieved. We have a finite picture. God is in our lives in the terms of our creation, our condition of need, and His desire for our lives to never end. God has the eternal picture in view.

I hear you. I have had many such "non-experiences". My daughters are slowly but surely becoming agnostics because they were taught all during their childhood that God answers prayers; yet it does not appear to them that God has answered the most urgent prayers in their young adult lives. I used to think that way. I have learned that God DOES answer most of my prayers; just not in the way I expected Him to answer. For example, when I pray for patience and wisdom on a certain issue, the issue frequently just becomes more complicated and frustrating to the point that I finally give up and say "okay God - You don't want to answer my prayer so I give up. If you want this resolved it's Your problem now." Then (at least sometimes), something "coincidentally" happens and the problem is resolved in a way far better than what I was asking for. But it wasn't until I gave up in frustration or anger (sometimes misplaced anger at God) that the problem was resolved. That being said, sometimes the problem is not resolved; and I will have to wait for the Kingdom to find out why. Of course by then, I probably won't care anymore.

Your Testimony is honest and the world is crying out for Authenticity.

Eternal salvation is only fully realized at a certain point in the future. I don't worry about that very much. There are promises that do seem to involve the life that we have to live right now, which I've done a terrible job at so far. I would like to be better. I would like to be useful. I would like to be able to practice a skill that can earn me a living. But I have seen what I can manage, using only the motivation and focus I have within myself. I burn out too quickly when I am reminded that nobody else cares. It is not good for me to be alone. I begged God for help, by words from His own mouth. And I can't say that has resulted in anything. I do not see how this testimony will help anyone grow closer to Christ. I don't really think that God can be embarrassed into action, although I do think the reason we're expected to gather in groups of even 'two or three assembled in His name' is because He prefers to have witnesses.