Growing Each Day by Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski

[phkrause]

Nisan 13
 

If you encounter your enemy's ox or donkey wandering astray, you must return it to him (Exodus 23:4).

In this mitzvah, the Torah makes two demands: (1) to go out of our way to return a lost animal to its rightful owner, and (2) to overcome our hostile feelings towards our enemy if the lost animal is his.

If this is what is demanded toward a mere belonging of an enemy, how much more are we responsible when we see friends going astray and acting improperly? Yet, how often do we avoid telling them that we feel what they are doing is wrong? We rationalize by saying: "We do not wish to interfere in their private affairs. How they run their life is their own business," or "We don't want to offend them." A popular billboard declares: "A true friend does not allow a friend to drive drunk." If you truly care for others, you will take the necessary steps to protect them from themselves, even if they may be angry at you for doing so. Honesty is more potent than sympathy. A person who has suffered from grievous mistakes often says: "If only someone had stopped me!" Drunk driving is not the only destructive behavior which a true friend would try to stop. Whenever we see that a friend is doing something which we sincerely believe to be wrong, we have a responsibility to convey our opinion to him or her. Failure to do so comes from either of two rationalizations: (1) I am not really his or her friend, or (2) I really do not believe the behavior is wrong. In either case, we are guilty of insincerity.

Today I shall ...
...

examine my own convictions and the sincerity of my friendship and let this determine whether I will share my opinions with my friends.

[phkrause]

Nisan 14 
 

Do not sacrifice [the Passover offering] while you are in possession of chametz (leaven) (Exodus 23:18).

Chametz and matzah have many symbolic explanations. What ever the symbolic meaning may be, one fact cannot be denied. For the few days of Passover, chametz and matzah are antithetical. The Passover seder cannot coexist with chametz. This point is clearly stated in the first of the traditional four questions near the beginning of the Haggadah: "All other nights we eat both chametz and matzah; but this night, only matzah."

Passover tells us that we cannot maintain two opposites, but must make a commitment one way or the other. As Elijah said to the Jews who worshiped idols: "How long will you vacillate between two contradictory ideologies? If Hashem is God, then follow Him. If Baal is god, then follow him" (I Kings 18:21).

People who can take a definite stand can also open themselves to any needed change when they are shown that they are wrong. However, people who constantly vacillate can always find excuses to slither out of improving themselves.

The above verse taught the about-to-be-liberated Israelite and their descendants a vital principle: Do not try to maintain mutually contradictory ideologies.

Today I shall ...
...

try to rid myself of mutually contradictory concepts, and instead make a commitment to a way of life that I can fully accept.

[phkrause]

Nisan 15
 

I have hardened his [Pharaoh's] heart ... in order to execute My miracles within him (Exodus 10:1).

Many commentaries raise the question: If God rendered Pharaoh unable to learn from experience, why did He then punish him for refusing to release the Israelites?

The answer lies in an under standing of free will. Many psychologists believe in "psychic determinism," that various circumstances can so affect people that they have no freedom of choice. People therefore act in certain ways because they must do so. Such concepts have been introduced in trials of those who have committed heinous crimes. So many lawyers have pleaded to the jury: "He was raised in such a terrible environment that he did not know better."

Torah rejects this idea. While many circumstances may impact upon a person, no human being with an intact brain is ever deprived of freedom of choice. We are always responsible for our actions. This concept is a pillar of the Torah's concept of human freedom.

The about-to-be-liberated Israelites were thus told: "I will indeed harden Pharaoh's heart and put great pressure upon him, but that will not deprive him of freedom of choice. Pharaoh will remain free and therefore will be held responsible for his behavior. In preparation for your liberation and ultimate acceptance of the Torah, you must retain this principle: people are always responsible for their actions."

Today I shall ...
...

try to realize that I have free will, and that whatever my circumstances may be, I will always retain freedom of choice to do good or evil.

[phkrause]

Nisan 16
 

You shall love your God (Deuteronomy 6:5).
You shall fear your God (Leviticus 19:14).

Love and fear of the same subject are obviously incompatible emotions. Love implies a desire to be close to the loved one, while fear is associated with the desire to be more remote from the object of one's fear. How does the Torah expect a person to relate to God in both ways simultaneously?

Rabbi Schneur Zalman explains in Tanya that when one fulfills the Divine will, one is drawn closer to God, and that when one transgresses the Divine will, one detaches oneself from God. Inasmuch as a person is constantly tempted by the yetzer hara to flout the Divine will, one should fear succumbing to the yetzer hara because one would thereby lose the closeness to God. Thus, fear of God is not a fear of being punished, but a fear of losing one's relationship with the object of one's love, and this fear is perfectly compatible with love of God.

In a love relationship between two people, it is easily understood that one would not wish to offend the beloved person in any way, even though there is no fear of punishment. We can develop a loving relationship with God that will result in a similar type of fear, the fear of offending Him. The Talmud tells us that one can never be certain that one will never sin, and, given the human frailty to temptation and the constant incitement by the yetzer hara, we can understand why one should always have this type of fear of God, for it is a fear that is perfectly compatible with love.

Today I shall ...
...

cherish my relationship with God so that the thought of losing my closeness with Him becomes frightening to me.

[phkrause]

Nisan 17
 

Do not covet your neighbor's house ... your neighbor's wife ... and anything that belongs to your neighbor (Exodus 20:14).

Some ask: How can a person be commanded to not desire something? Is not wanting something a spontaneous feeling and therefore not subject to rational control?

A noted psychologist says: "In order to feel love for some object, be it a human being, pet, or a new home, a man must see some possibility of an action he can take in regard to it, otherwise his appraisal of `good' is merely an abstract judgment without personal significance" (Branden, N., The Psychology of Self Esteem, Bantam Books [New York, 1973] p. 77).

This important psychological insight tells us that something which is completely beyond attainability cannot become an object of desire. Hence, if we desire something belonging to our neighbor, it is because somehow, however remote, we think we might get it.

When we become aware of a desire for something belonging to someone else, it is time to take steps to avoid any improper behavior. Sincere commitment to avoid improper behavior can help eliminate improper desires.

Today I shall ...
...

make my commitments to respect another person's possessions so absolute that a desire for them should never occur.

[phkrause]

Nisan 18 
 

This world is known as the "World of Rectification" (The Works of Kabbalah).

I wonder what the ancient Kabbalists would say about the modern world. Our everyday life certainly does not appear to be a "world of rectification."

To rectify means to repair or correct an existing defect. This practice has become almost extinct. Years ago, things that went wrong were repaired; today, they are simply replaced. Replacing an item is cheaper than going to the trouble of having it repaired. When we add the vast numbers of disposable items that have become commonplace, we have a life-style where "rectifying," at least of objects that we use are concerned, is a rather infrequent phenomenon.

Unfortunately, this attitude of replacing items rather than trying to repair them has extended itself from object relationships to people relationships. The most dramatic evidence is the unprecedented number of divorces. In the past, a couple that developed problems would try to repair the relationship. Most often, the attempt succeeded. Today, people do not want to waste time and effort; rather, they simply terminate the relationship and replace it with a new one. Human beings, much like styrofoam cups and contact lenses, have become "disposable."

We would do well to make at least our interpersonal relationships comply with the Kabbalistic concept of "World of Rectification."

Today I shall ...
...

try to appreciate the unique character of an interpersonal relationship and make every effort to preserve it.

[phkrause]

Nisan 19

They praise God for His kindness and relate His wonders to other people (Psalms 107:8).
 

This verse is repeated four times in this chapter, emphasizing the obligation people have to express their gratitude to God for His kindnesses.

Human beings have the capacity for complaining about their distress as well as being thankful for benevolence. Unfortunately, in many people these traits are not balanced, and the capacity to complain may outweigh that of being grateful.

There is a story about a mother who was walking along the seashore with her son. Unexpectedly, a huge wave descended upon them and carried the child out to sea. The distraught mother began begging to God: "Please, God, save my child! Give me back my little son!" Shortly afterwards, another huge wave deposited the child, unharmed, right at her feet.

The mother embraced the child, and turning her eyes toward heaven, exclaimed, "Thank You, God. Thank You, thank You forever." A moment later, she looked at her child, then turned her eyes to heaven once again and asked: "Where is the hat he was wearing?"

Many humorous stories have a kernel of truth. How often do we forget kindnesses and focus instead on annoyances, even when the disparity between them is in the magnitude of the saving of a child versus the loss of a hat.

Today I shall ...
... try to bear in mind the many great kindnesses that God has done for me, and ignore the relatively insignificant displeasures in my life.

[phkrause]

Nisan 20 
 

And if your brother is not close to you and you do not know him (Deuteronomy 22:2).

Perhaps the reason that other people are not close to you is because you do not know them.

The Chassidic master of Apt said: "As a young man, I was determined to change the world. As I matured, I narrowed my goals to changing my community. Still later, I decided to change only my family. Now I realize that it is all I can do to change myself."

Some things in the world are givens, and others are modifiable. The only thing we can really modify is ourselves. All other people are givens. Unfortunately, many people assume the reverse to be true. They accept themselves as givens and expect everyone else to change to accommodate them.

(There is one limited exception. When our children are small, we can teach and guide them. When they mature, however, we can no longer mold them.)

Trying to change others is both futile and frustrating. Furthermore, we cannot see other people the way they truly are, as long as we are preoccupied with trying to change them to the way we would like them to be.

The people we should know the most intimately are those who are closest to us. Yet it is precisely these people whom we wish to mold into the image we have developed for them. As long as this attitude prevails, we cannot see them for what they are. How ironic and tragic that those we care for the most may be those we know the least!

Today I shall ...
...

try to focus any desires to change on myself and let other people determine for themselves who and what they wish to be.

[phkrause]

Nisan 21
 

Rabbi Akiva spoke up: "Suffering can be precious" (Sanhedrin 101a).

Rabbi Akiva made this point when he and a group of colleagues visited their revered teacher, Rabbi Eliezer, who was gravely ill. When all the other students heaped abundant praise on Rabbi Eliezer, he turned a deaf ear to them. Only Rabbi Akiva's remark elicited a response. "Let me hear what my son Akiva has to say," he said.

When we have our health and full capacities, we can do countless things and make all kinds of choices. This personal freedom gives life so much of its meaning. But if we are gravely ill and bedridden, and disease has drained all of our energies, we can do virtually nothing and are no longer free to make any choices. This loss of personal freedom can be felt as a loss of our very humanity.

Rabbi Eliezer, in his state of severe illness, felt that his loss of freedom had cost him his human identity. His students' praises were empty to him, for even a glorious past could not give him the freedom of choice so vital to his being.

Rabbi Akiva pointed out that he still had one choice: a choice of attitude. Although all other choices had been taken from him, Rabbi Eliezer could still choose to either accept his suffering with serenity, or swallow it with bitterness. Rabbi Akiva had restored his freedom to him.

Today I shall ...
...

realize that even when many things in my life are not subject to change, how I accept them is a freedom that no one can take from me.

[phkrause]

Nisan 22
 

This day of the festival of matzos (Siddur).

Outside the Land of Israel, today is observed as the last day of Passover. In Israel, Passover lasts seven days, so it ended yesterday.

This discrepancy has its origin in the beginning of the dispersion of the Jewish people, before a set calendar had been established. In those days the High Court in Jerusalem declared the first day of a new month, based on sighting the new moon. Jewish communities outside of Israel could not know whether the High Court of Jerusalem had determined the previous month of Adar to be one of twenty-nine or of thirty days, so that they did not know which day was the first of Nissan. Not knowing when Passover began, communities in the diaspora observed an additional day.

Since we now have an established calendar, why do we continue this practice? The months are set; we have no doubt when Passover begins.

The Talmud states that because our condition in the diaspora is always one of uncertainty, the possibility exists that Jewish communities may lose contact with the established calendar.  Hence, Jews have preserved the tradition of keeping an additional day. This idea is not farfetched; ninety percent of Jews today live in a different country than did their ancestors a century ago.

Why, then, is Israel different? Has history not taught us so painfully that we have no certainty of permanence, even in our own homeland? Do Jews in Israel have some guarantee?

The answer is that living with uncertainty in the Land of our roots is still far superior to the security of being firmly established in the diaspora. The observance of the additional day of the festival is a reminder that our roots and our future, as well as our past, are in the Land of Israel.

Today I shall ...
...

remember that only Eretz Yisrael, the Land promised us by God, is the eternal homeland of every Jew.

[phkrause]

Nisan 23 
 

Negate your own will in favor of God's will (Ethics of the Fathers 2:4).

If I surrender my will and turn my life over completely to the will of God, do I not thereby abrogate my power of free choice?

Certainly not. Take the example of a child who receives money for his birthday. An immature child may run off to the toy store or candy store and spend the money on everything his heart desires. He may indeed have several moments of merriment (although a stomach ache from indulging too heavily in confections is a possibility). Without doubt, however, after a short period of time those moments of enjoyment will be nothing but a memory, with the candy long since consumed and the broken toys lying on the junk heap.

A wiser child would give the money to a parent and ask that it be put into some type of savings account where it can increase in value and be available in the future for things of real importance.

Did the second child abrogate his prerogative of free choice by allowing the parent to decide how to invest the money? Of course not. In fact, this was a choice, and a wise choice as well as a free choice.

We can choose to follow our own whims or we can choose to adopt the will of an omniscient Father. We are wise when we make the second choice.

Today I shall ...
...

turn my will over to God, and seek to do only that which is His will for me.

[phkrause]

Nisan 24 

How good are your tents, O Jacob, your dwelling places, O Israel (Numbers 24:5).
 

While visiting a community for a lecture, I awoke to a cold, drizzly, dreary day, which only added to my rather depressed spirits at that particular time.

As I entered the shul for the morning service, I realized that in this community, where I did not know a single soul, I was not alone. Several people greeted me with Shalom Aleichem. One person asked me if there was anything he could do for me and then invited me to his kosher home for breakfast. As we left the shul, even the cold dampness could not subdue the warmth I felt.

I now have another reason to pray with a minyan each day. Strangers may be traveling through town, and the shul is the place where they should feel their loneliness lifted and be welcomed among their people.

In our prayer, we ask God to attend to and provide for our needs. The Talmud states that God relates to people according to how they relate to others. When they are concerned with providing for others' needs, they thereby merit Divine concern for their own needs.

No wonder the Talmud stresses the greater efficacy of communal prayer. Attending shul enables one to be of service to others, a mitzvah which is rewarded with Divine response to one's prayers.

Today I shall ...
... put myself in a position to be of service to people who may be in need.

[phkrause]

Nisan 25 

He called their names Adam on the day they were created (Genesis 5:2).
 

The Biblical term for a human being, adam, has a dual origin. It derives from the word adamah (earth), indicating that man was fashioned out of dust, and also from the word adameh (to emulate), indicating that people are capable of emulating God.

This dual nature is not contradictory, any more than is the raw material, the clay from which sculptors form a work of art, a contradiction to the completed work. The artist's idea of her work is an abstraction, something which exists only in her imagination. The pure idea cannot be enjoyed or appreciated, and only when the artist forms the clay into the finished work can others share in the beauty of her idea.

When we observe tzaddikim in their daily lives, how they champion truth, have love for others, easily forgive when they are offended, and see only the good in everything, then we can begin to have a concept of God. The tzaddik is the being that was created in the Divine image. Although God is completely beyond comprehension, His attributes are known to us, and when we emulate the Divine attributes, such as kindness and compassion, we achieve our mission of making other people aware of Godliness. We thereby achieve the adameh, being like unto God. If we fail to do so, we remain nothing but the adam, the lifeless dust from which we originated.

People are capable of achieving the highest heights, but they can also descend to the nethermost depths of being.

Today I shall ...
... try to exercise my potential for spirituality, and emulate God by behaving according to the Divine attributes.

[phkrause]

Nisan 26 

My God, the soul You have placed within me is pure (Siddur).
 

As we all know, self-esteem is essential for optimum mental health, and a lack of self-esteem can result in any of many emotional problems. Many of us don't know, however, that self-esteem is not at all antithetical to humility.

Self-esteem comes from a sense that one is competent and worthy of the respect of others. Often a person who lacks this sense of personal worth may try to compensate for it by achieving greater competence in one or more skills, but this attempt will not work, because it does not remedy the underlying source of the problem.

The excess of competence cannot compensate for a lack of self-esteem any more than large doses of vitamin B can compensate for a lack of vitamin C. The only cure is for one to respect and value oneself.

A person should have this basic sense of worthiness by virtue of the awareness that he possesses a Divine neshamah, or soul, and the daily prayer, "My God, the neshamah You have placed within me is pure," should affirm this sense of self-worth. If one has behaved in a manner that has soiled his pure neshamah, one can restore its purity through repentance. A sense of self-worth is therefore always attainable through proper behavior and by correcting any improper behavior via teshuvah or repentance. Of course, every person should work to achieve his personal maximum - but he should do so for its own sake, and not in order to compensate for a lack of self- worth.

Today I shall ...
... try to understand that I am worthy by virtue of my neshamah, and though I will try to develop my skills, it will not be to compensate for a lack of self- worth.

[phkrause]

Nisan 27
 

And you should know this day... that 0,11.99"Hashem is God, in the heavens above and on the earth below, there is none other (Deuteronomy 4:39).

One Torah commentary explains this passage to mean that if one has an awareness of God, there is nothing more to know. This idea requires clarification.

The principles of faith of Judaism that were revealed at Sinai and through the prophets are absolutes, and, as axioms, are not subject to argument. In this sense, it is proper to state that "about God," there is nothing more to know.

Judaism does not require stagnation of the mind, however. Within the framework of the basic principles, Judaism has always encouraged the persistent search for truth. Throughout Jewish history, great scholars - the Ari in Kabbalah, the Baal Shem Tov in Chassidus, Rabbi Yisroel of Salant in Mussar, and Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik in Talmudic analysis, to name several more-recent leaders - have electrified their contemporaries and future generations with their original insights.

Judaism is vibrant, and the Jewish mind must be productive. Just as we cannot have a valid geometry if we postulate that two parallel lines intersect, so we cannot develop valid ideas of Judaism by abrogating any of the basic principles of the faith. The search for an ever-deeper understanding of Torah, however, should never end.

Today I shall ...
...

keep my mind fresh and vibrant by continuing to search for an ever-deeper understanding of Torah.

[phkrause]

Nisan 28 

[The yetzer hara] is an old, foolish king (cf. Ecclesiastes 4:13).
 

The Rabbi of Rhizin was imprisoned by the Czarist government. He said that until his imprisonment he never fully understood the above description of the yetzer hara, the evil inclination within people. "A king, yes," he observed, "because he rules over so many people. Old, yes, because he is as old as creation. But why `foolish'? He seems to be very sly and cunning.

"When I was in prison, however, I found that the yetzer hara was there with me too. Now, I had no choice about being in prison, because gendarmes took me there at gunpoint. But no one forced the yetzer hara, and if he came there of his own free will, he is indeed a fool."

We must be aware that the yetzer hara never leaves people but will follow them into the most undesirable circumstances. People may be gravely ill and in pain, hardly a desirable condition, but the yetzer hara will stay with them. Soldiers may be at the battlefront under mortal fire, yet there too, the yetzer hara will accompany them.

The yetzer hara has his assignment and does not take "no" for an answer. He never leaves his post, even under the most dire circumstances. In this respect, he should serve as a model for us, that we too should never defect from an assignment, regardless of adverse conditions.

Today I shall ...
... dedicate myself to doing my assignment irrespective of what circumstances may be.

[phkrause]

Nisan 29 
 

The rational mind can rule over the heart (Tanya ch. 12).

Two hundred years ago, Rabbi Schneur Zalman stated this fundamental principle: our minds can control our emotions. When people do not use their minds to their full capacity, their emotions take charge.

Anxiety is one of the most frequent symptoms that bring people to the psychotherapist's office. It is defined as a feeling of intense fear that occurs in complete absence of any actual threat. Anxious people readily admit that the fear is groundless, yet emotionally they cannot subdue it.

A method of treatment of anxiety, known as "Mental Health Through Will Training," was developed by Dr. Abraham Low. His system strengthens people's rational capacity in order to master their runaway emotions. While some types of anxiety come from biochemical causes, and therefore require medical treatment, his method has proven itself to be an effective approach to conquering anxiety.

Too often, people resign themselves to a state of helplessness and allow themselves to be overwhelmed by stressful emotions. We ought to have greater respect for and confidence in our rational power.

Today I shall ...
...

realize that my rational mind is far more powerful than I had assumed, and I will seek ways to develop it to its full capacity.

[phkrause]

Nisan 30 

There is no joy like the resolution of doubts (Tzel HaMaalos, 38).
 

Many people's insecurity leads them to suffer from self-doubt. They are never certain about what they should do or whether what they have done is right. While this degree of doubt may not be so intense that it renders them incapable of making decisions (and therefore requiring psychiatric care), it can cause them enough distress to prevent them from enjoying life.

Self-doubt is one aspect of low self-esteem. Somewhere in these people's past, they failed to develop trust in their capacity to make good judgments.

All of us must make many decisions every day. Since we lack prophetic foresight, we cannot predict the outcomes of our decisions. Our control of events is limited. We should realize that all we can do is to take the best information available and be sincere in trying to do what we believe is right.

Today I shall ...
... try to gain joy in life by overcoming self-doubt through trying my very best.

[phkrause]

Iyar 1
 

By virtue of the mitzvah of counting the omer of today, may my defects be rectified (Siddur).

The theme of correcting a defect each day is specially employed in the mitzvah of counting the omer, during the forty-nine days that begin with the celebration of the Exodus on Passover and end with the commemoration of the receiving of the Torah at Sinai on Shavuos. On each of these days, we pray that we become better, more refined people.

While the emphasis of this book has been on character development and spiritual growth via daily improvement of personality traits, the mitzvah of counting the omer goes one step further. The above-cited prayer continues: "May I be purified and sanctified from Above; and through this, may there be an abundant outpouring of Divine bounty in all the universe."

The concept here tells us that the impact of a personal defect is not limited to oneself or even to one's immediate environment, but it impacts the entire universe. Just as a watch works only when all its parts are in good shape, the world functions optimally only according to the Divine law, part of which is people's developing good character traits. Any transgression can have a much greater impact than we think.

We therefore share a sense of responsibility. People cannot claim that their lives are their own private business, any more than a passenger in a boat can drill a hole under his or her own seat and tell others to mind their own business.

A vivid proof of this concept comes from today's exploitation of world resources and pollution of the environment. No one can say that an oil spill is a private matter.

Today I shall ...
...

try to remember that my actions and behavior, even when they may seem to me to be a private affair, do affect others, and that I have an obligation to refrain from affecting others negatively.

[phkrause]

Iyar 2 
 

It is better to go to the house of a mourner than to the house of feasting (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

Progress and achievement in life come from identifying the challenges of reality and dealing with them effectively. Anything that constitutes an escape from reality is destructive, because an escape from reality is actually an escape from life itself.

The house of feasting which Solomon criticizes is literally "a house of drinking." In his era, like modern times, the participants at some social gatherings put themselves into an alcoholic stupor, talked senselessly, and made believe that the world was free of stresses and problems. Such "feasting" constituted an escape from reality and contributed nothing to the betterment of the participants.

The house of the mourner is a solemn place, which confronts people with the reality of their own mortality. There we recognize, at least momentarily, that our stay on earth has a limit, and that so many of the things that we spend our lives to attain are left behind when we die. Our only permanent acquisitions are our spiritual achievements, such as our good deeds and our positive effects on others. The house of the mourner actually brings us to an enhanced appreciation of reality.

Is it more pleasant to go to the house of the mourner? Of course not. It is "better," however, because it can contribute to our betterment.

Today I shall ...
...

try to avoid activities that provide an escape from reality and realize that growth consists only of dealing with reality.

[phkrause]

Iyar 3 

Where can I go that I will be away from Your spirit, and where can I flee from You? (Psalms 139:7).
 

The Psalmist goes on to say that there is no escaping from God because He is present everywhere and knows everything. The Psalmist then concludes: "Search me, O God, and know that which is in my heart" (ibid. 23). Once we realize that God is omniscient, we must abandon all efforts to escape or to hide from Him, since they are futile, and instead open ourselves up to Him.

Just as this concept applies to people's relationship to God, it is equally true of people's relationship to themselves. We cannot escape from ourselves, regardless of what techniques we may employ. We cannot run away to the next neighborhood, nor the next country, nor throw ourselves into our work. We cannot use alcohol or drugs to escape. We cannot even conceal ourselves with denial, repression, and other means of psychological self-deception. Ultimately, we must confront ourselves. It is therefore only logical to cease and desist from these futile efforts and submit ourselves to a thorough journey to self-awareness. Let us say to ourselves: "Search me and know my heart."

Facing ourselves may not be easy. Doing a thorough moral inventory may force us to look at parts of ourselves that we might prefer to disown. However, adjusting to reality requires a thorough self-knowledge. We can only adjust effectively to reality if we have not distorted it.

Today I shall ...
... try to realize that optimum living can only be with a valid self-awareness.

[phkrause]

Iyar 4
 

Tongs could only be made by tongs (Ethics of the Fathers 5:8).

The Talmud states that God gave man the first pair of tongs, because it is impossible to forge a pair of tongs without already having another pair to hold the metal in the fire.

A wise man said that the way to really make an apple pie from scratch is to first invent the universe.

These ideas should be sobering thoughts for people who consider themselves self-sufficient. Self-sufficiency is obviously a myth; we all must rely on others, in varying degrees.

Many people find it hard to accept their dependency. They see it as demeaning and a sign of weakness. They may take radical measures to prove to themselves and to others that they can stand on their own two feet. This rejection of healthy dependency can give rise to many problems.

Certainly, being lazy and expecting others to do everything for us is wrong, but going to the opposite extreme and denying our need of both emotional and physical support is equally wrong. We should be able to accept our dependence upon others, and their dependence upon us, as a part of life.

Today I shall ...
...

try to realize that absolute self-sufficiency is an impossibility. Rather, I will be able to accept appropriate help without considering it demeaning.

[phkrause]

Iyar 5 

I have placed before you life and death, blessing and curse, and you should choose life (Deuteronomy 30:19).
 

Some people who commit improper acts defend themselves by insisting that the temptation was too intense to resist. They are wrong.

A law of human behavior states that when given two options, people can choose only that which they perceive as being the lesser distress. However, individual choice decides which distress is greater and which is lesser. For example, when a hungry baby cries in the middle of the night, the parents will get up. They naturally choose to forego the greater distress - staying in bed and listening to their baby - for the lesser - getting up and feeding the baby. Extreme cases come from martyrs who choose death rather than violate principles which are sacred to them. Here, death hurts less than compromised life.

People can evaluate for themselves what is good and what is evil. Everyone is responsible for his or her own evaluations, and so submitting to the temptation to do a forbidden or improper act indicates failure to evaluate properly.

Today I shall ...
... program myself with correct evaluations of what is right and wrong so that I may make the correct choices.

[phkrause]

Iyar 6 
 

Accustom your tongue to say "I do not know" (Berachos 4a).

While no human being can know everything, some people cannot admit any ignorance about anything. For them, any admission of lack of knowledge threatens their fragile egos. Although they try to impress others with their omniscience, they accomplish the reverse, because the more they try to conceal their ignorance, the more prominent it becomes.

Furthermore, the only way we can acquire knowledge is by accepting that we do not have it. People who claim to know everything cannot learn. Therefore, many opportunities to learn pass them by, and their denying their ignorance actually increases their ignorance.

We do not have to know everything, and no one expects us to. Today, more than ever, with the unprecedented amount of information available, no one can be a universal genius. The simple statement, "I don't know," is actually highly respected.

We should also open ourselves to acquiring knowledge from every source. Learning from someone whom we consider to be inferior to ourselves should not be demeaning. As the Psalmist says, "I became wise by learning from all my teachers" (Psalms 119:99). A willingness to learn from everyone is a sign of greatness, while affecting omniscience actually betrays ignorance.

Today I shall ...
...

admit that there are many things that I do not know. Instead, I will become willing to learn from anyone and everyone.

[phkrause]

Iyar 7
 

Do not feel bad in your heart when you give to him [the poor] (Deuteronomy 15:10).

When people come to collect charity, we may sometimes feel annoyed with them, especially if they come frequently. The Torah here is cautioning us not to bear any resentment when we give to them.

A recovered alcoholic, sober for many years, gave much of his time to help newcomers to sobriety. He therefore made himself available to them twenty-four hours a day, so that whenever they called, he could help them resist the urge to drink. Someone once asked him, "Doesn't it irritate you to be repeatedly awakened during the night?" "Of course not!" he answered. "I just have to remember that I'm not the one who is doing the calling."

This man knew that many years earlier, he himself had needed to call for help. Now that he was in a position to give help instead of receiving it, his deep gratitude precluded any irritation at being bothered at strange hours.

If we ever feel put upon by people who ask for charity, one need only realize that since we are in a position to give instead of needing to receive, we should be so overwhelmed with gratitude that there should be no room for annoyance. As we give charity, we might also give our blessings and good wishes to the recipients, that God should help them soon be in a position to give to others.

Today I shall ...
...

give tzedakah with an open hand and willing heart, and be grateful that I am in a position to give instead of needing to receive.