Female Emotions

[debbym]

Quote:

Poster: Woody

Subject: Re: Female Emotions

Any ideas on what I could have done in this situation - other than to ignore it which is what I did?

Women's emotions make me very uncomfortable. I had no idea what to do. I am a single man. This was a female single parent.

Any of you have suggestions on what I 'should' have done instead of looking the other way?

my thoughts

say... It is OK to have your emotions here, i will pray and i trust everything will be OK.

i have been overcome with emotions at church, everyone looked away, and i didn't come back for years because of it. i was left to feel i had just ruined everyone's lovely day.

when i did go back to church, someone didn't let me just leave when i felt so much emotion, they let me speak about what was saddening me, and i didn't feel i was doing harm to anyone, it was really OK. then i was soon able to be in church and not become so sad.

just don't look like you are going to faint or throw up when you have someone next to you overwhelmed with emotion.

weep with those who weep is the admonition. just be there. even a kind smile is perfectly OK.

deb

[cardw]

While I was standing for the song service in church - the woman standing next to me starting literally weeping.

Women's emotions make me very uncomfortable. I had no idea what to do. I am a single man. This was a female single parent.

I wanted to do something. But, I also wanted to run away from the scene.

Any of you have suggestions on what I 'should' have done instead of looking the other way?

I think Western culture has developed a misunderstanding of emotions. Too often we want to comfort people too soon. Emotions are a way of balancing the inner self and one usually feels better once they express themselves. As far as I know no one dies from crying.

Weep with those who weep is pretty good advice.

I think if you simply be with someone and allow yourself to feel, you'll know what to do and when to do it. Just let go of the outcome and let whatever is going to play out, play out.

As a general rule I don't initiate hugs with women, but I will gladly return a hug when it is offered and I don't think it's a good idea to pat people. Just hug them. I think that communicates more acceptance. And don't be in a hurry for them to stop crying. Emotions generally come in waves and the more they can be expressed the more healing will occur. The less words the better.

If you do say something I think it is better to simply reflect, and don't give advice or explanations.

To me, the practical nature of love is to see and hear people. The more comfortable you are with yourself and the more you are able to love yourself, the better you will be at loving others.

[Woody]

Excellent thoughts cardw.

And I really didn't have the opportunity to talk to this lady - as I indicated she was weeping during the song service and if you knew how 'rockin' our song service is - you would know why I couldn't hold a conversation with her. Have you ever tried talking to someone when drums are playing? You can't even hear yourself think let alone the person next to you.

Good thoughts about not hugging a woman - let alone a single one. And nowadays - it's even more dangerous to hug a man.

No. I think the best thing to do is to let 'em cry as long as they need and get out of their way. As you said - it's good for them to let out all of them emotions. And if they are acknowledged they might feel pressure to stop letting the emotions flow.

[cardw]

Good thoughts about not hugging a woman - let alone a single one. And nowadays - it's even more dangerous to hug a man.

I am sensitive the the discomfort some men have with emotions since I'm a man and was brought up in this culture.

I think the words we choose to describe things are important because they bring with them an emotional reality. So, I'm not being critical of you, but you might want to observe the emotional content of the word dangerous.

To me dangerous is hunting crocodiles. I don't believe hugging generally kills people.

I understand that touch can make us feel vulnerable. One reason is many of us don't experience touch other than when we have been beaten or we have sex. This places an operant conditioning in the body where we have no choice, but to react to the memory of either one of these. Beating has within its nature fear and we are exposed to a whole range of fear in regards to sex. And within Christianity we have fear for simply having sexual feelings. So I can understand how so much fear is engaged around even the idea of touch.

There is a whole range of touch that is available to us that doesn't involve either one of these. And it takes some time to learn how to touch like this if one has been conditioned against it. I know it has taken me a lifetime to undo my own pre-conditioning.

[JoeMo]

I dunno; maybe it's my Asberger's Syndrome; but I have rarely if ever felt this uncertainty about physical expressions of concern or sympathy. Maybe I'm just a risky guy; but for me it's fairly straightforward to know when a physical gesture is OK or not. People (mostly women, but not exclusively) at church and work cry all the time. When I notice it; the degree of eye contact usually gives away whether or not a physical gesture (like a hug or a hand squeeze) is apporpriate. Extended eye contact and "smiling through the tears" usually invites a hug. How earnestly you are hugged back is a pretty good feedback mechanism for how long or close a hug should be (I'm talking about in public - it is very risky for an unrelated man and woman in distress to hug in private). Avoiding eye contact or stepping away to cry privately usually discourages it. At least that works for me.

[JoeMo]

Woody,

If you need any advice about women, I'm here for you bud! My qualification is that I'm Italian - I know these things!

[Woody]

Thanks JoeMo. But the best advice I've received about women ... is to not get any advice about women - because in truth - NOone really understands them.

[Gail]

JoeMo-

You are Asperger's?

[JoeMo]

Gail,

LOL! Never been diagnosed: but sometimes I wonder! I look at some of my old posts on CA and am amazed how brazen and inappropriate I can be without even trying!

[JoeMo]

You already know - that's the advice I was gonna give you. That; and the fact that there are no rules cuz women claim the right to change the rules at any given moment.

(Lest I get any negative feedback, I'm just being silly...)

[Woody]

Nothing silly about it JoeMO.

All women declare they have a right to change their minds -

and they do. Frequently.

[Gail]

It is very noble of you both to try to figure out the correct thing to do. I think that many women love a knight in shining armour to come to their rescue :)

[Gail]

Even if it IS just a kleenex :)

[Woody]

Quote:

It is very noble of you

Thanks Gail. It means a lot to be considered noble. I do appreciate it. If only more women felt that way about me. I'll keep workin' it.

[JoeMo]

Woody,

Are you comfortable with me agreeing with Gail that you are indeed a noble person? I'll even add gentleman and scholar...

[bluebelle]

Thanks JoeMo. But the best advice I've received about women ... is to not get any advice about women - because in truth - NOone really understands them.

Woody, woody, WOODY!

The best way for you to get to know women is to, you know, like TALK to them. Choosing to quiver in a corner because ladypeople might/not respond to you or wishing for a field guide because them wimmins is so dang mysterius is cutting you off from experiencing 1/2 of the population (it might be even 2/3, but just know there are a lot of women out there) many of which are pretty nice people.

I will personally vouch that the majority of women will not yank your Adam's apple out and use it to smack you in the face because you made a faux pas of some sort. Besides, if you really want to know what a woman likes or wants, just ask her.

[Woody]

Quote:

Besides, if you really want to know what a woman likes or wants, just ask her.

You just may be on to something Bluebelle ... but I am afraid I might not be up to hearing it.

[Gerr]

I've been married to my wife soon to be 45 yrs and I still don't always know what she wants even when I ask.

[Woody]

I've been married to my wife soon to be 45 yrs and I still don't always know what she wants even when I ask.

Exactly.

[phkrause]

I've been married to my wife soon to be 45 yrs and I still don't always know what she wants even when I ask.

This past November was our 41st, so I hear ya. LOL

[cricket]

Men: Pay closer attention.

[olger]

"She gave me a bunch of guff about not listening to her--or something like that...I don't know..I wasn't really paying attention...."

[Guest]

[Gerr]

Men: Pay closer attention.

It is quite possible that I am not paying close enough attention. But how can a man REALLY KNOW what a woman is thinking? A woman cries when she is happy, and cries when she is upset. A woman says yes when she means no, and says no when she means yes?

[Woody]

Originally Posted By: cricket

Men: Pay closer attention.

It is quite possible that I am not paying close enough attention. But how can a man REALLY KNOW what a woman is thinking? A woman cries when she is happy, and cries when she is upset. A woman says yes when she means no, and says no when she means yes?

SO true Gerry. And even if it were possible to figure her out - she would change her mind. So why waste energy on it?