Why Do Our Teenagers Leave the Church?

[lazarus]

Pardon me for blowing my own trumpet...

I preached a sermon last year called "Teens are from Mars and Adults are from Venus" Obviously stolen from elsehwere but the idea is that adults and teens have vastly different perpectives on a whole range of issues. Thats not a revelation of course.

The good news that I presented was that is that before JC returns there will be a turning of the heart of the fathers to their children and the children to the fathers (Malachi 4:6). This is key to the Elijah message believe it or not!

Many other denominations and a few SDA churches get this. They make their children a priority. Sad to say most churches don't. There is info out there.

Much of our problem is that many churches are still doing church as if it were 1950 as opposed to 2005. The liturgy, organisation, spiritual emphasis is outdated. Our youth cannot relate, do not feel a part of things....they leave. They leave for the same kind of reasons that people do not join!

Start by learning their names

Treat them as if they are important

We can all do that....I think!

[Dr. Shane]

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Many other denominations and a few SDA churches get this.

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Many of the hispanic churches I have been a part of seem to be organized around their youth. It is like the purpose of the church is to raise the children that are in their congregation. Many of the older members even come out to the Patherfinder's soccer games to support the youth even though they don't have children or grandchildren there.

The "It takes A Village" theme seems to make a lot of sense. Home-Church-School each plays its role. My mother always took us kids to church and sent us to church school. Our home life was a mess but at least we got 2 out of 3.

[Gregory Matthews]

Shane, my recommendation is simply this: The Valuegenesis studies provide a wealth of information that should be helpful to any interested in working wiht our youth, and/or understanding why they leae the Church. I believe that all of the published Valuegenesis books should be read, and would be helpful.

I do tell people to agree with them. I simply say that they contain a wealth of information.

[Norman Byers, N.D.]

Hi Shane,

In my life I had a very hard time liking and loving my father until about 10 years ago. Most of my childhood, I saw my father as unsupportive and not caring. In my eyes he never supported me in anything, except once when my band was playing a concert at school. About half way through it he left. I just added that to the pile of I'll show you. I eventually began to hate him and my mother but more so my father.

I became an SDA in 82 and left in 86 till 96 during that time I got messed up drinking way too much alcohol. All the baggage that I had stored up was directing my thoughts and actions and had my emotions in bondage. In 94 I decided to go to rehab in order to save my life basically. After the 33 days were up they had a graduation ceremony. All those who completely their time got to speak to those (family and friends) who came to participate.

My turn came and I said some words to my sister, my girlfriend, and our mutual friend, my friend, my friend the pastor and my father. As I was speaking to them my heart was softened and was sharing what they meant to me. Then when I came to my father I burst out crying and in pain and regret. I told him I was sorry and for the first time that I know of, I told him I loved him. At this sight many others began to weep. I didn't realize what was happening until about 3 years later when I had gone back to church. I was in the church for about a year or so when I was lead by the Lord to a deep understanding and love for my Father in heaven. I have never had such a love for Him in all my life and it was real and miracles followed in my life. I finally understood why Jesus loved His Father so much.

Then one day I was reading and thinking and came across this in Malachi 4: 4 "Remember ye the law of Moses my servant, which I commanded unto him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgments. 5 Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD: 6 And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse."

It hit me like a ton of happy bricks. The reason I was having this joy with my heavenly Father was because I loved my earthly father. In loving him it taught me how to love my Heavenly Father. Vs 4 says to remember the law of Moses that God commanded unto him at Horeb, (Mt Sinai) the Ten Commandments. The spirit of Elijah will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the fathers. Why reconcile the fathers and sons? Because that will open the hearts of the sons to love their heavenly Father as was the case with me. This will encourage the fathers, they will be drawn to heaven and there will be harmony on earth of a heavenly nature.

A father figure is important and more so than that is a spiritual father. So we who have received the spirit of Elijah have a message to bring; it is a message of reconciliation. Ultimately it is to be as ambassadors begging others to be reconciled to our heavenly Father and it wouldn't hurt to start with the father and son relationships if possible. The results of this will affect others as did my heart breaking admission to my earthly father that I was sorry and that I loved him.

In Christ,

Norman

[Guest]

There are a lot of kids forced into legalistic molds throughout their childhood without ever learning what the meaning is. When they get old enough to decide whether to go to church or not, they leave - it's no mystery - they've been fighting the rules for years.

Don't try to force a harsh "do as I say not as I do" or "do this because we've always done this - to ask why is a sin" religion on a kid and then expect them to stay around.

There's no "spiritual" recipe that can replace a relationship with Christ. There's no formula of do this, this, this, and this, that will keep kids close to "the church." They each individually have to have to have a close relationship with Christ.

Old folks will stick around just because they feel obligated to, even if they're dying spiritually. Young kids don't have that kind of loyalty to something that hasn't worked for them.

Larry

[Derrell M]

Youngsters are particularly adept at spotting incongruencies, inconsistencies, loose theories put forth as indesputable facts, abuse perpetrated in God's name, fakiness, etc., and they are justifiably intolerant of such things.

[David_McQueen]

Its funny isnt it that Jesus refers to children as those who can take the gospel on in its simplicity.

There are no easy issues to this, but one of the things I noticed about the effectiveness of teens ministry when I was quite involved was that the groundwork for their faith had to be started when they were much younger in junior and primary even.

Showing youth respect has more ethos than just talking to them about it. Realising that they will make mistakes. That they are willing to try new things instead of pigeon holing them. Just like the wider community, youth will take ownership if they feel they are part of the bigger picture, but let's also recognise that many will leave anyway.

Our focus then has to be more about sowing the seeds so that a possible and imminent return to church, in whatever capaacity it is remains for them. A long journey I know but even if one......

[Jeannieb43]

I think the best thing we can do, as parents or as church members, is to recognize each young person by name; take time to talk with him/her often about his life, what interests him, etc. In general, just be his friend. Just acknowledge his accomplishments in a positive way.

Relationships take work. But they're the basis for keeping people as friends. And I think kids are just like people. They need to be noticed, appreciated, for themselves--not as a number on a scorecard [How many Juniors in our S.S. class, e.g.].

Then, letting God work on their hearts, along with loving, actively Christian friendships, I believe the kids are Christians even if they sometimes absent themselves from organized worship as they grow older. We have to trust God, pray for them constantly, and present a loving example to them.

I have one son who was extremely rebellious in his early teen years. He had a terrible relationship with school, with his dad and with me. Thank God he never got into drugs. But now he has matured into the kindest, most sensitive, most thoughtful and responsible adult businessman/husband/son I could ever have hoped for. God sees his heart, and I pray that someday he'll start going to church regularly. But I don't try to pressure him; he's an adult. All I do is pray.

[something like the Al-Anon philosophy. It wouldn't hurt any of us to attend a few Al-Anon meetings, by the way. We learn there to just turn the loved one over to God. We cannot force another adult to behave in a certain way. We merely let God work on his heart.]

[Neil D]

I have seen a lot of "more relationships" between adult and teens....I have even seen the 'legalistic/teens are pretty adept at seeing hyprocracy in adult' concept. What I haven't seen is the concept that teens have needs and that the adults are not taking the time to provide them with it. It takes work and a lot of time and it's tedious as you have to keep yourself disciplined, but the rewards are enormous...

Just my :2cents:

[Bravus]

I've stayed out of this one so far, but thought I might toss in a few thoughts now:

1. Why do our teenagers leave church? Because that's what teenagers do. Part of becoming an adult is leaving home, getting a job, getting married - cutting some of the ties to childhood while maintaining others. For many teens that might also mean spending some time away from church - and many come back. How many here have had some time out at some point in their lives? Reminding them all along that we still love them and God still loves them is what's important, and what brings them back.

2. Is it possible to identify problems without being seen as throwing blame? Shane's point - that the father is important in the family as a spiritual leader - is Biblical and supported by some good research. Does that mean it's impossible for mothers to be leaders in families where the father is absent or unbelieving? No, but it's difficult, and they should be supported. But saying that having a father is important, especially for sons, is not the same as blaming anyone or claiming that other families are fatally flawed. God's ideal is a mother and a father united in love for one another, the children and him: everything else is in some way less ideal than that, but that just means people in those non-ideal situations need more love and support from us.

3. Could it be that the trends toward 'more contemporary' worship styles have actually served the Boomer generation (although they were often sold as being 'to keep the youth'), and have done a disservice to the youth? Christian youth generally don't want to be entertained, they want to learn, they want to engage deeply with God and with the world. They're idealistic and passionate, even when they affect a pose of being apathetic and cool, and they need opportunities to serve others and discuss ideas, not just opportunities to receive a watered-down version of the entertainment they watch all week. I've blogged about it before - if the best we can do in terms of Christian life is be 'safe' from the big bad world, we've lost them. We need to be watching and supporting as they try to change the world.

4. I think bevin does have a point: if we're not willing to engage with issues and inconsistencies, the youth will see that and be turned off by it. Doesn't mean we capitulate to 'the world' on all sorts of issues, but it does mean being willing to state our positions clearly, and to discuss the evidence that supports them openly. In some cases, that will mean letting on that we're less certain than we used to be about some things... but in other cases we'll make much stronger stands. Do you think young people can live with a church that can make a public stand against gay marriage but not against torture and illegal detention/ They have values, they know what is right, and they'll call us on it if we fail to stand up for what is right.

In the final analysis, it's about more challenge, not less - asking more from them, not less. As I said, if church is just 'world-lite', why bother with it? Church has to be seen to have radical transforming power, not just a list of things we don't do.

[Gail]

Was thinking along the same line as Bravus here when he mentioned that leaving the traditional nest of the parents is what kids do

I think it's a good thing to study into what is relevant to where kids are at. People working with kids will know why they leave

I've always wondered about something I liken to Disneyland. It's an adult-contrived place giving kids what THEY think kids want and expecting them to like it.

Many accept this, but I never did when I was young. Why? Because I was curious about other things, I was dealing with serious issues that I lacked judgement and guidance for.

My kids stopped going to church for a while, but as they became adults, I noticed that they still had an interest in spiritual things and it was their peers that ministered to them and were intrumental in supporting them.

No answers, particularly- just a few thoughts

[rudywoofs (Pam)]

When I was a teenager I DETESTED going to church. I could (and *did*) point fingers at how I was treated, that nothing was relevant to me, that the sermons were boring, that the music didn't jazz me up. :::wrinkles nose::: But really, the bottom line is that I didn't really learn to know Jesus. I guess my opinion is that if a person (of any age) really knows Jesus and has an ongoing personal relationship with Him, he/she won't leave the church....if the church also has *its* focus on Christ as well.

[Jeannieb43]

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rudywoofs said:

...if the church also has *its* focus on Christ as well.

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--and that's the Big IF.

[Norman Byers, N.D.]

Hi Larry,

I agree with what you said and would add the same thing I mentioned (only with different words) in my 1st reply in this thread. Kids need to see the Gospel lived out passionately in their parents and it will have a positive effect on them and do a great deal in keeping spiritual.

Again, one of the problems in our church (Much more in other denominations) is that the Gospel is barely being preached and lived. (I say other denominations because they have not been blessed with the light that we have, not because we are superior)

You're right there is no formula but there's a whole lot that we as parents are commanded to do that we are not doing. Some of us who see our children go the way of the world will be in painful regret as we ask ourselves why we didn't train up our children in the way of the Lord.

I also believe that in our culture we are absorbed in self pity and self defeating habits. Now if parents are like that, what will that do to the children? What does that do to the Gospel message? It accommodates the flesh and selfishness, shuns selflessness and lowers standards that God uses to convert the soul.

Norman

[Dr. Shane]

In Latin America the churches are almost run by the youth with the elders mentoring them and giving guidence. The Pathfinder club is part of every church and a major part of the youth's social life. When I asked two of my sister-in-laws what they look for in a boyfriend, both mentioned he would have to be in Pathfinders as one of the first things - and they weren't together when I asked them.

I think too many adults treat the church as one of our many activities like a bowling league or excersize class and our religion doesn't become our life. Our children see that and dropping church becomes like dropping music lessons. When we can say with Paul, "I am crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live, but Jesus Christ now lives in me and the life that I know live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me", leaving our faith will mean becoming a different person.

[bevin]

Shane,

you are confusing leaving the denomination with leaving a relationship with Jesus. Lots of people leave the SDA denomination but stay close to Jesus.

/Bevin

[Dr. Shane]

I have not seen any studies that support that conclusion. In fact, I read an article in the Review some years ago that drew the opposite conclusion. It claimed that most members that leave the Adventist church do not do so for doctrinal reasons and never join another denomination.

[Jeannieb43]

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bevin said:

Shane,

you are confusing leaving the denomination with leaving a relationship with Jesus. Lots of people leave the SDA denomination but stay close to Jesus.

/Bevin

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[Jeannieb43]

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Shane said:

I have not seen any studies that support that conclusion. In fact, I read an article in the Review some years ago that drew the opposite conclusion. It claimed that most members that leave the Adventist church do not do so for doctrinal reasons and never join another denomination.

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That's not the opposite conclusion. Your statement and Bevin's are not mutually exclusive.

[sorry. I tried to combine quotes from both of your posts into my reply but didn't know how to do it.]

[Dr. Shane]

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I guess that opens up a whole different issue. Can a person maintain a close walk with the Lord without regular church attendence? The answer to, "Is it possible?" I think we will all agree is, yes. However to be more practical our question should be, "Is it likely?"

"Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching." Heb. 10:23-25

I know for myself, when I slack off in church attendence my spiritual life suffers. Am I unique that way? For myself, I need the church more than the church needs me.

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[Neil D]

Quote:

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Was thinking along the same line as Bravus here when he mentioned that leaving the traditional nest of the parents is what kids do

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As long as we are challenging general conceptions , the concept of teens NEEDing to leave bothers me some. Of course, creating a disneyland atomsphere in the youth departments is nothing more than entertaining, but at the same time, I do like the idea of engaging teen interests within the church to keep them within and occupied and, most of all, doing something that they feel is worthwhile.

That is why I am asking the question= why do teens need to leave in the first place, IF, the church is relevent to them? I guess that is what is important, making church relevent to teens, satisfying thier interests.

Can we make church interesting such that, teens will NOT leave? and infact, concider it a necessary part of thier lives?

[Bravus]

I think part of that is related to the ways parents handle the transitions. I don't see any signs so far of our teens leaving, and it's probably because they get a fair bit of freedom to define themselves and their values independently of us (i.e. they're not forced to be carbon copies of us) but at the same time they're loved (and told so) valued and listened to. I imagine it's the same with a church: how often are youth *genuinely* listened to - in the sense that what they say actually makes a difference? And how often are they given the freedom to choose who they will be, and the assurance that they'll always be loved and accepted. How often are they treated as a joy and greeted with big grins?

I don't think I was saying that it's inevitable that teens will leave. What I was saying was that they do need to start creating their own separate identities. If we give them the space to do that within the church, then they may not need to leave to do it, but if we continue to want to define them, then they will likely have to go elsewhere to find space to build themselves.

Keeping them involved with church might, for a while, only mean keeping them involved in social and sporting activities with church people, but that's OK, if it continues to keep them in contact with people who are loving them, and who are living out the gospel.

[lazarus]

I agree with much of what Bravus said.

There are many different reasons why I think teens leave the church. I have found that the kids who are doing some crazy things in their personal lives will still come if they feel there are people at the church who accept them and love them.

In general, churches don't actively try to engage their young people and think of ways to keep them interested. Its simply not a priority. Most adults expect their youth to think and behave like they did when they were teens. That's a fatal mistake. Every generation is different but similar in that they need love and acceptance.

Love and acceptance often makes the most unexiting of churches feel like home.

[Gerr]

"Where there is no active labor for others, love wanes, and faith grows dim." DA 831

Gerry

[Amelia]

Ya know Gerry, that is very often true. Everyone needs to know they have a place in the family. A place that is as important as any other. Reminds me of the song by Casting Crowns. "If We Are The Body"

But if we are the body

why arent His arms reaching

why arent His hands healing

why arent His words teaching

and if we are the body

why arent His feet going

why is His love not showing them there is a way