Ask the Rabbi

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28 Adar I

Intermarriage Correspondence from a Non-Jew

First off, thank you so much for this wonderful service that you provide. I find comfort in just knowing that someone out there is willing to listen...

I have been blessed with finding a wonderful friend and companion but we have a problem – I was raised Catholic (though non-practicing and don't consider myself a part of the church) and he is a practicing Jew. Though he doesn't go to Temple every week, he does celebrate the holidays with his family. His mother grew up in Israel and holds her traditions very close to her and has shared those traditions with her children.

Though we've grown up with different faiths, we have an amazing connection that I've never experienced with any other person before. I have the deepest respect and admiration for him and for the culture and religion that has contributed to the person that he has become.

Though we both think we're too young to discuss marriage and children (he's 26, I'm 25), we've been forced to talk about them within the context of religion. With research and careful contemplation and after confirming the support of my parents, I told him that if we were to have children, I would be willing to raise them in the Jewish tradition.

I know that this would take a lot of effort from both of us, but I would do it without feeling as though I was sacrificing one ounce of who I am. I've just begun studying Hebrew and Jewish traditions and history and I feel like every bit of learning brings me closer to him and closer to my own spirituality.

His older brother married a Catholic girl and it tore his mother apart. I would never want to put him in a position where he felt he was hurting his family, is there anything that I can do or say or learn that might make it easier for us?

My own mother brought up the idea of conversion, but I know that I would just be doing it for him and that would be disrespectful to the spirit of the religion. I'm so torn up about this. I would deeply appreciate any guidance.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Firstly, I must tell you how impressed I was by your honesty and sensitivity – especially, by what you wrote at the end about not wanting to convert just for him.

Here are my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, even though it is most gracious of you to agree to raise his children as Jews, there really wouldn't be any point in it, for the children of a non-Jewish mother, (as wonderful as you may be) are not Jewish, even if the father is Jewish. This is the law of Judaism as has been handed down to us generation to generation for thousands of years.

So there is really only one of two choices.

A sincere conversion on your part, or breaking up as difficult as that may be.

Here are my thoughts on these two options:

It is true that if you convert “just for him” it is "disrespectful for the spirit of the religion" as you so impressively put it. But perhaps, through your study of Torah, you will decide that Judaism offers the truthful answer to man's existence in this world, and you will decide to convert even if you were not dating a Jew.

However, this would entail additional challenges. Because a sincere conversion to Judaism would mean a commitment to observing all the laws of the Torah – which unfortunately your friend is probably only partially informed of, despite his admirable interest in preserving the holidays with his family.

The laws of Judaism (as found in the Torah) are very beautiful and have given those of us who preserve its commandments the ability to live wonderful lives filled with happiness truth and meaning. But they are all-encompassing, sometimes a bit difficult, and include much more than being together with family at holiday time.

There would be no point in a conversion on your part, even a sincere one, if you would then proceed to live your life together with your boyfriend as non-observant Jews. For once a sincere conversion is performed, you will be a Jew in every regard, and you will be obligated to observe the laws of true traditional Judaism.

Of course, there is always a possibility that a sincere conversion on your part would convince him of the validity of the Jewish tradition and its commandments and bring him back to a Torah-true lifestyle. Indeed, cases like have happened before.

Now for the second choice: breaking up.

With all due respect and for the very special relationship you have with this man, decisions require a conference of the mind as well.

If intellectually you understand that it is improper to marry this man, (for the reasons you mentioned, and because he would be going against his own religion by doing so, his children will not be Jewish, and it is not proper for you to be his wife given the ramifications of such a marriage), then how can you marry him?

Sure, we are able at times to bury certain ideas under the carpet, but they have ways of creeping out again, because despite our emotional side, intellectual reality is a hard thing to avoid.

Ask yourself: Will a marriage that I cannot be intellectually united with be a happy one?

Again, I admire the courage and sincerity that it took to write you letter. In Judaism, we say: Make up your mind that you want to do the correct thing and the light of G-d will shine light upon your path.

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29 Adar I

Prayer Book

I've been having a strong desire to pray every day. I've been basically making up my own prayers. But I figure I should probably see what the traditional Jewish prayer book has to offer. (After all, it has served us well for millennia.) Is there are particular edition that you can recommend?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

As far as commentary and instruction on Jewish prayer, nothing comes close to the ArtScroll Siddur (artscroll.com). The prayers are translated into modern English by top-rate Jewish scholars, who understand the subtleties of the Hebrew language and have a great knowledge of Talmudic sources.

More than just a text of the prayers, this includes full explanations of all prayers, laws and customs. It features a masterful essay on the essence of prayer. It includes special prayers for the holidays and lifecycle events.

The ArtScroll Siddur also comes in a transliterated version. And there is also an amazing "inter-linear" edition which enables you to pray in the original Hebrew, while following along the English translation.

See it online at: http://www.artscroll.com/siddur.htm

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30 Adar I

Last Chance for Matzah

I enjoy matzah and eat it all year round. When is the last time before Passover that one is permitted to eat matzah? Thanks for your help.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Not everyone knows, but there is a prohibition against eating matzah in the period prior to Passover. This is in order to ensure that when we fulfill the mitzvah of eating matzah on Seder night, we do so with special joy and intensity.

There are various customs about when to stop eating matzah. Minimally, one must refrain from eating on the day before Passover. Others stop eating on Rosh Chodesh Nissan, and still others stop 30 days before the holiday.

(source: Mishnah Berurah 471:12)

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1 Adar II

Last Names

When my grandparents came to America in the early 20th century, they changed their last name from Yosselovitch to Kerry. Now that I’ve become more interested in my roots, it bothers me to have this “made-up” last name, and I’m thinking of changing it back to the original. What do you say?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Actually, all the last names we have are all "made up."

In days of old, and still in synagogues and Jewish communities today, last names were not used. Rather, a person was called by their father's first name. For example, a woman by the name of Sarah would be known as Sarah the daughter of Reuben. For thousands of years this was the tradition, until the last few hundred years.

The first stirrings of change occurred in 1787 in Austria, where a decree demanded that all Jews select a family name. In France in 1808, Napoleon decreed the same. Many of these Jews stuck with Jewish tradition and simply incorporated the father's name – e.g. “son of Moshe" became Moskowitz, or in your case, “son of Joseph” became Yosselovitch.

Others chose a last name based on their locality (e.g. "Ungarisher" – from Hungary), based on vocation (e.g. "Goldshmidt"), or a descriptive appellation (e.g. "Klein" – small).

Those Jews from the priestly tribe often chose a last name that reflected this status – e.g. Cohen or Levy. The name Katz as well is an acronym for “Kohen Tzedek,” righteous priest.

My advice: If you want to change your name to something more Jewish-sounding, pick something meaningful. But don’t do so if it will upset your parents or cause a rift in your extended family.

For more on this, see:

• "These are the Names: Studies in Jewish Onomastics" by Prof. Edwin Lawson

• "The Given Names and Surnames of the Jewish People" by Abraham Stahl

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2 Adar II

Blessing for New Rabbi

I am the cantor's wife and I make the candle blessing before Rosh Hashana. We have a new young rabbi. Do you have a suggestion for a prayer or greeting that would include our new rabbi for me to say along with the traditional blessings?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

How about saying something straight from your heart – and phrase it in the form of a blessing. For example:

"On behalf on the congregation, I would like to give you a blessing as you begin this important leadership position. May it be that as you grow in your relationship with God, you will share your insights and help elevate us, too. And together may we all learn the words of our holy Torah, to understand them with absolute accuracy, and incorporate them into our lives – to perfect ourselves and our world!"

Have a sweet new year!

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3 Adar II

Faith vs. Knowledge

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

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4 Adar II

Bible Translation

I just returned from a business trip where I stayed up late one night reading the Bible that was in the nightstand. Or I should say, that I tried reading it. The translation was indecipherable, with all the “shall’s” and “thou’s.” Now that my interest has been peaked, I’m wondering if you could suggest a better translation than the one I saw.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Hebrew is a very special language. It is the language God spoke when He created the world. It is the national language of the Jewish people – which best captures the meanings of Jewish life, concepts, and prayers. And of course, Hebrew is the original language of the Bible/Torah.

When the Bible is translated into other languages, it loses much of its essence. For instance, many are familiar with the King James translation. Although a scholarly work, this translation is not rooted in Jewish sources, and often goes against Jewish teachings. Furthermore, the language is archaic and difficult for the modern reader. Our Sages teach that "every day the Torah should be as new" (Rashi to Deut 27:15). This means that archaic or obsolete language may not be used when translating the Bible, because this would give the impression that the Torah is old, not new.

Although many modern translations are more readable, they are often even more divorced from traditional Judaic sources. They may ignore the Talmud and Midrash, which contain the tradition for how to translate the idiomatic language of the Torah. (As an example, the expression in Exodus 13:9 "between the eyes," actually denotes the center of the head just above the hairline.

I recommend the following modern translations that are "Jewishly accurate:" the "Stone Chumash" and the "Stone Tanach." These are translated by top-rate Jewish scholars, who understand the subtleties of the Hebrew language and have a great knowledge of Talmudic sources, and the accompanying commentary fills in the background information.

These are available at any Jewish bookstore, or at www.artscroll.com

Best of luck in your studies!

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5 Adar II

Hinduism and Judaism

My husband is Hindu and I am Jewish. I am trying to grow in my Judaism, but I need to be delicate so as not to do too much too fast or he may object. Do you know of any resource that identifies the things in common between Judaism and Hinduism? When I bring out similarities, it makes him more comfortable (i.e. conservative/modest dress, reincarnation beliefs). If I know more similarities, I am hopeful I could progress faster and with less resistance on my husband's part.

In general, what does Judaism say about books such as the Hindu Bhagavad Gita?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Hinduism does not have a uniform belief, but rather includes elements of monotheism, polytheism, and even atheism – depending on the particular tradition and philosophy. Thus it is difficult to assess whether their "gods" are names of the different powers of one central God, or are different spiritual being, angels, forces, etc., carrying out God's will.

The Jewish criterion regarding idolatry is quite clear. If the object of worship is a spiritual being (like Jesus in Christianity), it is not idolatry. If the object of worship is an inanimate object that one attributes divine powers to, that is considered idolatry (Code of Jewish Law – Rema O.C. 156:1).

Being that Hinduism embraces all and some of these beliefs (depending on the tribe), it is also difficult evaluate precisely what their attitude is to their icons and statues. Are they gods in themselves? Is the sun a god and power on its own? Or are they just symbols of God?

Interestingly, after the death of Abraham's wife Sarah, the Torah says that Abraham took a wife named Keturah. They had children together, and the Torah says: "Abraham gave all that he had to Isaac. But to the concubine children, Abraham gave gifts. Then he sent them away... to the land of the East." (Genesis 25:1-5) The words, "Abraham gave all that he had to Isaac," indicate the Isaac alone was the spiritual inheritor of Abraham's legacy – which was the ability to continue the Jewish faith. The other children, however, did not go to the East empty-handed. According to the Zohar, the "gifts" refers to many of the mystical traditions of Abraham. Hence, the ancient eastern religions have their roots with Abraham.

Regarding eastern religions and meditation, Jews pray three times a day, as we have been meditating for thousands of years. One can still meditate even though one embraces Judaism. Naturally it will be necessary for one who has been used to meditating with the aid of a mantra to choose a mantra that is not offensive to Judaism. (Some mantras are names of idolatrous eastern gods.)

An excellent guide is called "Jewish Meditation" by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan (Schocken Pub.).

I haven’t seen any books specifically on Hinduism and Judaism, but there are some excellent books dealing with Eastern religions in general:

• "The Jew in the Lotus: A Poet's Rediscovery of Jewish Identity in Buddhist India" by Rodger Kamanetz (Harper Books)

• "Letters to a Buddhist Jew" by Rabbi Akiva Tatz

• "Torah and Dharma: Jewish Seekers in Eastern Religions" by Judith Linzer, which explores the phenomenon of Jews seeking spiritual fulfillment in Eastern religions

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6 Adar II

Have Her Convert?

I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to resolve this in an authentic, non-contentious way. Unfortunately, it is going to be quite difficult for your friend to go through a real conversion.

First she has to believe that Judaism is the true religion. not just accept it by default.

This means that she believes that there is a G-d who gave the Torah to the Jewish people.

Then she has to study what it says in the Torah.

Then she has to commit herself to observe all the commandments in the Torah.

Once she gets to this point, she is ready for a real conversion.

Ironically enough, If she ever did get to this point, she may never want to marry someone like you, who may lack this level of appreciation and commitment.

My advice is to try a separation from your friend and ask yourself this question: "Do I need to be married to this person to find happiness in life, and is it worth all the trouble of converting? Or would I be better off looking for someone else to marry?" Until you have done that trial separation, you do not have clarity about the right thing to do.

Another key step should be to find out more about your own religion. I can see that you are an upright fellow who wants to do the right thing. So find out what's been driving the Jewish people to greatness for the past 3,000 years. I suggest attending a Discovery seminar, an excellent presentation of Jewish history and philosophy which is given in hundreds of cities throughout the world. For the current schedule, visit www.aish.com/dis/

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7 Adar II

Original Sin

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

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Number of Words and Letters

I am trying to find out how many words there are in the Torah. Short of counting by hand, can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

According to my concordance (Avraham Even Shoshan), here are the stats.

Book # Parshas # Chapters # Verses # Words # Letters

Genesis 12 50 1,534 20,512 78,064

Exodus 11 40 1,209 16,723 63,529

Leviticus 10 27 859 11,950 44,790

Numbers 10 36 1,288 16,368 63,530

Deuteronomy 11 34 955 14,294 54,892

TOTAL 54 187 5,845 79,847 304,805

Incidentally, Rabbi Even Shoshan wrote his concordance before the advent of computers! He wrote it by hand, and when there was a pogrom against the Jews, his work was destroyed. So he started from scratch and rewrote it.

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9 Adar II

Noah's Ark

There are obviously many ways by which God could have saved Noah. Why did Noah have to bother building an ark? And why did it take him 120 years?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

We have to appreciate that this was no ordinary boat. It measured 300-by-50 cubits, was bigger than a football field and contained over a million cubic feet of space! It was outfitted with three separate levels: The top for Noah and his family, the middle for the animals, and the bottom for the garbage. (Which by the way, shows the Torah's unique concern for the environment. Even while the world was being destroyed, they wouldn't throw the garbage overboard.) God accentuated the oddity of it all by having Noah construct this huge boat – not at the sea shore – but on a mountaintop!

The Midrash Tanchuma says that God specifically wanted Noah to undertake a strange and unusual project, so that people would be curious and ask: "Noah – what are you doing??" This way Noah could engage them in discussion about the problems facing the world, and explain how catastrophe could be avoided – if people would only change their ways.

Well, 120 years is a long time, and you would think that Noah would have convinced a lot of people to get back on track. But alas, Noah failed to turn anyone around. Instead he saw the Ark as his chance to build a big wall and insulate himself from the evils of society. Noah imagined that the Ark was his own ticket to survival, and completely abandoned his mission to influence others.

In one sense it is true that we have to protect ourselves and our families. Maimonides warns us about the danger of living next to neighbors who don't share our system of values. Where there's corruption, the good frequently get swept up with the bad.

But there's a second side to this as well. The "Ark" cannot be completely insulated; it must be porous as well. We have to reach out and try to make a difference in the world. And if we aren't on the level to do so for the sake of others, then at least we should do so for ourselves. Because the reality is that no matter how hard we try, some "bad" does seep in. And if we don't do something to help fix it – in the end it will get us as well.

Ignoring this reality was Noah's tragic mistake. He believed that he could lock himself inside the Ark, and escape from it all.

After the Flood ended, Noah emerged with his family onto dry land: "Noah, the man of the earth, debased himself and planted a vineyard. He became drunk and uncovered himself in his tent..." (Genesis 9:20-22)

When Noah emerged from the Ark and saw the devastation the world had endured, he was depressed and disappointed. Because he knew deep down that he had selfishly stood by and watched it all happen. So he got drunk.

Noah's failure to try and influence his generation is why the Flood is called "the waters of Noah" (Isaiah 54:9). In one sense he bore responsibility for the Flood. This teaches us a crucial life lesson: Don't think that society's problems aren't affecting you. Because they are. And we are each responsible to fix them.

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10 Adar II

Is the Midrash Literal?

I respect the Torah greatly and try to observe its commands. One thing that bothers me, however, are the Midrashic texts which describe things in a very far-out way. I recently saw something about Moses being 10 feet tall. Is that to be taken literally? Because if so, I have a hard time accepting it.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You have touched on a very fundamental topic in Jewish thought.

Writing in Jewish Action magazine, Rabbi Yitzchak Adlerstein explains:

There are a number of different ways of dealing with passages that seem to elude our grasp. The simplest is to ignore the problem. If that's what it says, then that's what it means – and let the chips fall where they may.

Many of our rabbis, though, would not concur with such an approach. The twelfth century Maimonides, for instance, wrote about three different attitudes in his day toward the Midrash (aggada). One group felt it an exercise in piety to simply accept everything in the works of the Talmudic rabbis, no matter how far-fetched. But rather than demonstrate their loyalty and tenacity, says Maimonides, these people cause much harm. Rather than praising us as a "wise and discerning people," the non-Jewish world reacts to this stance by thinking of us as "debased and foolish."

And that they did. In the infamous polemical debates of medieval times, a frequent target of the venom of both the Church and the Karaites was the philosophical aggada. Passage after difficult passage was paraded out to show the foolishness of the Jews in believing in this kind of stuff (or their arrogance in elevating Man above God, or assigning human properties to Him, or, at a later time, to demonstrate from the aggada itself that the Jews should really accept the Christian messiah.)

Another approach, if it can be called that, is to assert that the rabbis were simply wrong about many things. This creates a frightful schizophrenia in our relationship with the Talmudic rabbis. Is it tenable to see them as incredibly profound when it comes to Jewish law, and incredibly naive and shallow when it comes to the philosophical topics treated in aggada?

There is an alternative, one that accepts without reservation that every syllable of the rabbis resonates with brilliance and profundity. It approaches the words of the Talmudic rabbis with unqualified acceptance and regard. It assumes that every epigram, every passage, every remark flows with the Divine wisdom that is vouchsafed to those who immerse themselves in Torah. At the same time, it refuses to concede any irrationality to the words of these Sages. God himself is the ultimate Source of this wisdom; His Torah cannot be irrational nor even arbitrary.

One figure stands out as a master of this approach. He is Rabbi Judah Loew of Prague, usually identified by the acronym Maharal.

Take the Midrash which says that Vashti, the original queen in the Purim story, had a “tail." According to Maharal, we should not be slaves to the literal meaning of words. The Sages employed a richness of expression, just as we today use our own idiomatic form for a functionless growth. We call it "spare tire." (Will future anthropologists, noting references to "spare tire" but unfamiliar with contemporary usage, assume that people once propelled themselves on two axles?) In explicating the words of the Sages, we must always look for symbolism, allegory, idioms, and the clever turn-of-the-phrase that can say so much in so few words.

Maharal does not reject the miraculous. Rather he rejects a superficial reading of the words of the rabbis, words he is convinced almost always disguise more than they reveal. When we probe the true intent of the rabbis, we discover that they saw Divine intervention occurring in ways that may be more profound than the simple miracle that the text suggests.

To properly understand these Midrashic passages, it is essential to have a learned and wise Torah teacher. If you tell me what city you're located in, I'll be happy to recommend someone that you could contact.

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11 Adar II

Niddah: Why

Why is a husband prohibited from sexual relations with his wife during her menstruation? Doesn't this reduce the ability of a man and woman to connect through the deeper intimate aspect of marriage? And isn't this whole thing discriminatory toward women?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Actually, the laws of family purity help increase intimacy between husband and wife, and it has nothing to do with "double standards," as we shall explain.

There is a spiritual concept called "tuma." Unfortunately mistranslated as "dirty," tuma is not a description of inferiority, impurity or uncleanliness. Rather, tuma is caused by the "loss of human life." For example, the dead body of a human being contains the greatest degree of tuma.

Similarly, after having marital relations, men are in a state of tuma, because of the loss of the "building blocks" of life within them (Leviticus 15:16). Women incur this state of tuma when they menstruate, because of the loss of potential life within them (Leviticus 15:19). The Talmud calls this a "whisper of death."

Intimacy in Judaism has a very specific meaning. When a man and woman express love for one another in a proper physical relationship, in which they view themselves as two halves of a whole, then a deep emotional-spiritual bond is formed. But if the physical relationship remains rooted primarily on the physical, that focus on self-gratification does not allow for the couple to become whole together.

The period of separation during menstruation enables the couple to achieve true love. This is because a strong yearning between the husband and wife begins to build. This separation also forces a verbal intimacy, since they are not allowed to touch each other. Real intimacy requires the mind and emotions. This painful longing for each other changes the relationship for the better, and when they resume the physical side it already includes the deep emotional-spiritual component.

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12 Adar II

Esther & Achashverosh

In the Purim story, how do we understand that Mordechai handed over Esther to Achashverosh? I remember in the synagogue years ago, no one could agree on just what their relationship was. But I have read on a few occasions that Esther was Mordechai's wife. So what's the story?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Although it is not explicit in the Megillah, the Talmud does say that Esther was Mordechai's wife. So how could Mordechai hand his wife over to be raped by Achashverosh? Indeed, how could he hand her over even if she were not his wife?!

The fact is that Mordechai did not hand her over. Achashverosh's representatives went from door to door kidnapping every pretty girl, single or otherwise. Needless to say, Esther was hidden, but the king's guards found her.

Esther refused to apply makeup or perfume in the hope that the king would find her unattractive and would send her home - but to no avail. Among all the women in his vast kingdom, he chose her to be queen!

Further, Mordechai instructed Esther not to tell anyone about her heritage as a descendant of King Saul, so that Achashverosh, thinking her a plebeian, would have no interest in her. This ruse was unsuccessful as well.

At the end of the day, though, Esther was the key to saving the Jewish people from annihilation. Apparently things worked out as they were supposed to.

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13 Adar II

Pinking on Drurim

If it is so good to get drunk on Purim, why not do it all the time?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

In the days of Mordechai and Esther, the Jews went from being the target of annihilation, to being the heroes and victors. It was a miraculous 180-degree shift in fortune. We learn from here that even though it may be hard to see God in the world, even when things look really bad, in some way it has to be for the best. Because there is a beneficent God behind everything, manipulating events for our good.

So what does this all have to do with drinking?

When we drink, we loosen our reliance on physical senses - and our souls are freer to transcend limitations and feel the Oneness of God and the universe. We see that everything is part of God's "grand eternal plan" - where ultimately Haman is punished and Mordechai is rewarded. There is indeed ultimate justice.

That's why the Talmud (Megillah 7a) says that "A person should drink on Purim until the point where they can't tell the difference between "Blessed is Mordechai" and "Cursed is Haman." We drink to the point where we can't intelligently debate which aspect of God's revelation is greater. Because in truth, it's all the same.

On Purim, we wear costumes and perform skits - mocking our hang-ups, idiosyncrasies, and worries. We attack the source of our debilitating anxiety - and laugh about how silly it really is!

So why don't we drink all the time? Because while alcohol can help a Jew lose inhibitions and get closer to God, this is only the beginning. Performance of mitzvahs require a clear mind and steady hand. On Purim, we try to jump-start a process which will carry us through the rest of the year.

By the way, on Purim one should not become so drunk that he will be negligent in performing mitzvahs, since it is improper to pray if one is "unfit to stand before the King."

To learn more, go to http://www.aish.com/h/pur/

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14 Adar II

Burying a Limb

My elderly father is very sick. Gangrene has set into his leg, and it now needs to be amputated. My question is: What is the proper way of disposing of the leg afterwards?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

A limb that is amputated should be buried in the grave where the person will eventually be buried. If the gravesite has not yet been decided, it should be temporarily buried, and later reburied with the person in his grave.

(sources: Code of Jewish Law – Y.D. 362:1, with Pitchei Teshuva; Noda B'Yehuda Y.D. 2:209; Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:231)

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15 Adar II

Extra-Marital Affair

I was recently assigned to a long-term project where I had to work long hours with a colleague who is a married man. We slowly grew closer and now we are in a full-fledged affair. I never planned this, but now I want to spend my life with him. He says he is going to leave his wife very soon. Should I wait it out?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You should let the relationship go. Pursuing this relationship (even platonic) will only cause harm to you, to him, and to his spouse.

Infatuation is a romantic feeling that is based purely on physical stimuli. That's what you are experiencing. It is important to understand that infatuation is a temporary state and bears no relation to a real life relationship. You may be missing something in your life at this time and envision that this gentleman can fill this void.

Certainly, he may enjoy the slight flirtation the two of you may be engaging in - if it is a flirtation and not simply the response of a nice guy who has a sense of humor and a nice personality. However, this is not something that would be healthy for you to latch onto or consider pursuing.

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16 Adar II

Effort versus Trust in God

I heard a joke about a man who wants to win the lottery. Each week he prays to win, and after many weeks go by, he finally complains to God, "Why haven't I won?" Replies God, "You should have bought a ticket."

While the obvious message is that "God helps those who help themselves," I imagine that God doesn't need someone to purchase a lottery ticket. I once received a lottery ticket in the mail as part of a marketing promotion. So if God wants you to win, you'll win.

So, if I want to win the lottery, should I buy a ticket?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

This is an excellent question and I think there are two answers.

First, God wants us to make the effort, not because He needs it, but because we need it. Our actions create a change within us.

In the Talmud, a scoffer tells Rebbe Akiva: "You shouldn't be helping poor people, because it was God who made them poor, and by helping them you're going against God's plan!"

Rebbe Akiva answered: "God made poor people precisely in order that we should help them. Helping others is what God wants us to do."

So you see, God wants us to make the effort. This same idea is expressed in many other ways in Judaism - e.g. circumcising a new baby boy, or turning raw kernels of wheat into bread. Obviously God wants us to be active and involved in bringing perfection to the world.

The second answer is that God made a system called "nature," through which He operates. Of course God can override that system (and He often does - that's what we call "miracles"). But God prefers to remain somewhat hidden - to preserve our quest to find Him.

So that's why if you want the money, it helps to buy a lottery ticket.

Though of course, don't go out and buy a whole stack of tickets. Because if God wants you to win, one ticket should be enough.

In the section discussing prophecy, the Torah states, "You shall (trust) wholeheartedly in God" (Deut. 18:13). We are enjoined to trust in God, but to what degree do we have an obligation to make a normal human effort and what is considered a lack of trust in God?

The question arises regarding testing people before marriage for being carriers of Tay-Sachs disease. Some people wonder whether such testing is not contrary to the trust we are required to have in Divine Providence - why search for problems when in all probability none exist?

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, of blessed memory, a foremost authority on Jewish law, clarified this point. "Although the percentage of infants born with this disease is small and one might be apt to apply the verse: 'You shall trust wholeheartedly in the Almighty,' (which Rashi interprets as meaning that one should not delve into the future), in light of the fact that a simple test has been developed for this, one who does not make use of it is like one who shuts his eyes to what can clearly be seen. Since the birth of such a child, God forbid, causes great anguish... it is prudent for all who are considering marriage to undergo this test." (cited in Jewish Observer, May, 1986)

Having trust in the Almighty gives a person peace of mind and serenity. However, one should never use a claim of trust in God to condone laziness or rash behavior. There is a thin line between the virtue of trusting in God and the fault of carelessness and irresponsibility.

There is the story of a man who lived by a river. A policeman warns him to evacuate because of a flood warning. The man rejects the offer and says, "I have perfect trust in God to save me." As the water rises, a person in a boat offers to take him to safety. The man again replies with his proclamation of trust and refuses the ride. Finally, as the man is sitting on his roof, a helicopter comes to rescue him; again the man proclaims his trust and refuses the rescue. The water rises, the man drowns and is finally standing in judgment before the Almighty. "God, I had perfect trust in You. Why did You let me down?" The Almighty replies, "But, my son, I sent a policeman, a boat and a helicopter!"

The only way to be considered a "failure" in life is by being lazy and not trying hard enough. Why? Because we can only expected to work with the tools God provides. And whatever He provides is precisely what I need. Whether or not the eventual goal is completed - that is in God's hands.

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17 Adar II

Medical Help

Unfortunately my young child has been diagnosed with a serious disease. I am terrified trying to wade through all the tests and doctors on my own. Do you know anyone who can help guide me?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

It is a time-honored Jewish tradition to assist those with medical needs. This is inevitably a time of stress for the patient and the family.

For medical information, contact www.rofeh.org - the worldwide health assistance organization of the Bostoner chassidim. They track all the best doctors in the U.S., and can always point you where to go.

You could also get guidance from:

Chai Lifeline, which assists sick Jewish children with cancer and other genetic diseases.

www.chailifeline.org/

In Israel, the big medical advisory organizations are:

Rabbi Elimelech Firer - 03-677-0730, fax 03-676-1489

Rabbi Binyamin Fisher - 02-643-9140, 643-3474

Ezer Mitzion - 02-500-2111, fax 02-537-4881

Wherever you are located, it always helps to have others praying on your behalf. To facilitate this, send the person's Hebrew (and their mother's name) to refuah@aish.com, with a brief description of his condition.

Wishing your child a full and speedy recovery.

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18 Adar II

Infertility

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We are very happy except that we have not been blessed with children. We have gone through various fertility treatments. Unfortunately we recently failed for the 17th try at in vitro fertilization. Basically we have tried everything – the adoption route, and even donor eggs.

Of course there is always hope and this is why I am contacting you. We think that perhaps at our wedding there was some bad vibes of evil eye (Ayin Hara). It was suggested that if we get divorced, the Ayin Hara will be broken, and then we could get remarried and maybe get pregnant.

I know this is unusual, but we are desperate. I would appreciate any kind of advice you could give us, because right now anything goes. She is 43 I am 50. So if not now, when.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I sympathize with your pain and frustration, and I commend you for doing all you can to find the best solution to a very challenging situation.

However, I don’t think this “divorce plan” is a good idea. Given the first injunction in the Torah – “Be fruitful and multiply” – someone who does not have children is obligated to marry someone who can bear children. Since you are already married, you need not marry someone else. However, if you divorce, it would be incumbent upon you to marry a woman with whom you have a better chance than your wife to have children.

The point I think you should focus on right now is the Talmudic saying that a person should never give up hope, even in the bleakest circumstances (Brachot 10a). Medical research is constantly improving, and any condition can surely, with God's help, have its remedy. For some cutting edge ideas, visit the website of Dr. Sherman Silber, a friend and world-class expert in the field – www.infertile.com.

For the halachic aspects of testing sperm to enhance pregnancy chances – see Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Yabia Omer II E.H. 1:7). The permitted methods vary, but no responsible couple would be married even two years without getting tested.

Another good resource is www.atime.org, a huge support network of Jewish couples who have gone through the pain of infertility.

In the meantime, do not feel that your lives cannot go on without children. In the last generation, many great role models did not have children: the Chazon Ish, Rabbi Chaim Ozer Grodzinsky, Rabbi Simcha Wasserman, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, etc. We also have a tradition that the great prophets Chanania, Mishael and Azaria were childless ("Yalkut Shimoni" 2-Kings 245).

The best literature on this subject, in my opinion is, Isaiah 56:3-5, which explains there are higher values in life than having children. I recommend that you read, reread it, and strive to internalize it.

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19 Adar II

Giving Without Recognition

I try to be helpful and considerate of others. But why is it that when someone helps others, they don't always get paid back when they need help, too?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I once asked a great rabbi: "What if I keep giving to someone, and they don't reciprocate? What should I do?"

"Just keep giving to them," he explained. "Relish your role as a provider. Send out the constant message – 'I care for you.' Eventually, they will wake up one day and realize – 'My gosh, I have a wonderful friend here who treats me like a king. I ought to start doing the same in return!'"

On the other hand, you have to know your own limits and be careful not to reach a point where you become neurotic and resentful. Then the giving becomes a negative, destructive act.

A good way to exercise your "giving muscles" is to give to others anonymously. This way, you reduce your dependency on recognition and reciprocation.

There is a famous story called "The Miser of Krakow," which takes place in 17th century Poland.

The richest Jew in Krakow was known to be a miser. Whenever someone would be in dire straits and in need of money, they would go to the Miser's house crying, asking for money. But he never gave even a penny. This pattern repeated itself for many years.

When the Miser died, he was buried in a small corner of the cemetery, a place reserved for shady characters.

When Friday came along, something strange happened. Early in the morning a poor man came knocking at the rabbi's door. "Every Friday I receive an unmarked envelope in my mailbox, containing enough money to buy food for Shabbat," the man explained. “But this week, nothing arrived." The rabbi gave the man a bit of money and sent him on his way.

A few minutes later, another man came knocking on the rabbi's door. Same story. Again and again, one by one, all the poor people of the town came with the same story: This week, their anonymous envelope did not arrive – for the first time in years.

Finally, the rabbi realized who had been secretly supporting the entire town all these years. The Miser never told anyone about his philanthropy because he didn't want anyone to feel like they owed him.

The rabbi instructed his family that when he dies, he wants to be buried right next to the holy Miser of Krakow. Until today, a visit to the old Krakow cemetery shows the rabbi and the miser, buried together in a small corner of the cemetery.

From this story we learn that when we do something good for a person, even if they don't pay us back – don't worry! God is watches everything we do, and makes sure we get the proper reward.

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20 Adar II

Kosher Chuppah

I will be getting married in a few months and we want to make sure that the ceremony is "religiously correct." What do we need to know?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

In Jewish law, a marriage becomes official when the groom (chatan) gives an object of value to the bride (kallah). This is traditionally done with a ring. The ring should be made of plain gold, without blemishes or ornamentation (e.g. stones) - just as it is hoped that the marriage will be one of simple beauty.

The groom takes the wedding ring in his hand, and in clear view of two witnesses, declares to the bride, "Behold, you are betrothed unto me with this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel." He then places the ring on the forefinger of the bride's right hand.

According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding ceremony, and at this point the couple is fully married.

This is more central to the wedding than the photographer, the bridesmaid’s dresses, the flowers, and even the smorgasbord.

If the bride also wants to give a ring to the chatan, this should be only done afterwards, not under the chuppah. This is to prevent confusion as to what constitutes the actual marriage, as prescribed by the Torah.

The Talmud says that for a wedding to be valid, there must be two "kosher" witnesses - i.e. men over the age of 13 who are Shabbat observant, and are related neither to the bride or groom, nor to each other.

For more, see our "Guide to the Jewish Wedding.”

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21 Adar II

Mikveh - Why?

Why are a man and woman prohibited from sexual relations during her menstruation? Does Judaism consider women somehow “unclean”? And if a woman always has to go to mikveh, when does the couple have time to have sex?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah speaks of a spiritual concept called "Tuma." Often mistranslated as "dirty," Tuma is not a description of spiritual inferiority, impurity or uncleanliness. Rather, it is a metaphysical phenomenon representing the "loss of human life." For example, a dead human body contains the greatest degree of "Tuma."

Similarly, after having marital relations, men are in a state of Tuma, because of the loss of the "building blocks" of life within them (Leviticus 15:16).

Women incur this state of Tuma when they menstruate, because of the loss of potential life, as the unfertilized ovum is expelled from her body (Leviticus 15:19). The Talmud calls this a "whisper of death."

Upon menstruating, a woman must not have physical contact with her husband. The woman waits until the bleeding stops (usually five days) and then counts seven “clean days.” At this point she goes to the mikveh, a special pool containing "natural" water untouched by human hands – such as rainwater, a river, or underground spring.

A mikveh is a spiritual tool; it has no association with hygiene. Indeed, one who enters a mikveh must be perfectly clean before immersion. To understand mikveh in depth, consider the Yom Kippur service as once practiced in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. At the apex of the service, the High Priest would enter the innermost chamber of the Temple – the Holy of Holies. For seven days beforehand, the High Priest prepared himself for this moment. But the High Priest had one final preparation before the awesome moment of entering the Holy of Holies: He immersed in the mikveh.

The resumption of the act of intimacy of a Jewish woman with her husband is a similarly awesome moment. After her seven days preparing for that moment, a woman immerses in a mikveh in order to elevate her marital relationship. The mikveh experience is like a "spiritual rebirth."

With mikveh – and God's presence – the sexual relationship changes from something that's completely physical, an act which subhuman species also engage in, to an act of holiness and the highest human expression. At the mikveh, the woman utters a prayer inviting God to sanctify their forthcoming intimacy.

The mikveh is key to building a healthy Jewish marriage. Intermittent abstinence from physical relations strengthens the relationship, since the husband and wife must relate on an emotional level independent of any issues of physicality. During the two weeks without physical contact, a couple has to learn how to communicate better with each other.

This is an invaluable lesson in our society which, for all its obeisance to feminism, continues to treat women as objects, in advertising, at the workplace and too often in the home itself.

Furthermore, a sexual relationship works on desire. If the woman is always available, then the man can become bored and seek other outlets. When everything becomes permitted, he eventually becomes accustomed to it and disinterested. There is nothing left to stimulate his imagination. Boredom in marriage is no small matter. It is extremely destructive and is a leading cause of divorce.

During the period of separation, a strong yearning builds between the husband and wife. The fact that the husband has such a strong attachment to his wife means that even when she is not available, he will not seek outside pleasure; he will wait for her because he is so attached to her. When they resume the physical side, it is a monthly “honeymoon” all over again. This keeps the marriage alive and fresh.

Mikveh also teaches the value of restraint. In a world where infidelity is as common as it is today – there have been estimates that almost one of every two married men has been unfaithful – people have to learn the art of restraint. Within the Jewish marriage relationship, if a husband and wife can't have access to each other at regular intervals, it means they must learn to control themselves within the marriage relationship. Outside the marriage relationship, when a temptation suddenly develops and they're called upon to exercise restraint, they know how to respond.

Jewish couples who were initially unaware of the mikveh practice, and who learned about it and incorporated it into their lives, report that the genius of this practice is so great that no human mind could have invented it. Indeed, modern therapists have taken a clue from the Torah and are recommending a cyclical on-off period for married couples. It gives the woman a break during the time when she is most physically uncomfortable. And it removes the ever-present question of waiting for “the moment” to strike.

This also helps maximize the potential for procreation. Studies show that ovulation – the most fertile time of a woman’s cycle – occurs precisely at the time the woman goes to the mikveh.

The observance of Taharat Hamishpacha (lit: “family purity”) has been a central feature of Jewish life for millennia. Indeed, Jewish law mandates that even before a town’s synagogue is built, a mikveh must first be established.One finds mikvehs in medieval Spain, in ancient Italy and in the famed desert outpost of Masada. In fact the single most decisive element archaeologists use in determining whether or not an unearthed settlement is Jewish is the presence of a mikveh.

Read more by Rebbetzin Feige Twerski at www.aish.com/f/rf/48941961.html

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22 Adar II

What is a Man?

I was born and raised on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. It appears that in the Western world, a "man" is expected to be macho, keep up with the latest fashion, smoke, drink alcohol, be a womanizer, etc. But experience has shown me that there is something wrong with this definition.

Could you please give me a Jewish definition of what it means to be a "man"?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

In Hebrew, one of the words for "man" is "gever."

"Gever" comes from the same root as "gavar," which means to overcome or conquer. (Similarly, the Hebrew word for hero is "gibor.")

So a true man is one who overcomes. But overcomes what?

The Talmud (Avot 4:1) says: "Who is a 'gibor,' a mighty man? He who conquers his evil inclination."

To explain: The evil inclination is the desire within each human being to follow physical passions. In other words, the desire to smoke, drink, eat and "be a womanizer" (as you put it).

Life is full of challenges in these areas. No matter what level we're on, there is always a new test awaiting us. Because the reason for our being here in the first place is to grow by overcoming these challenges.

Of course, we need to engage in the physical world. But we should not do so for its own sake; rather we infuse our physical experiences with an eye toward a higher, spiritual goal.

Ironically, one who overcomes the temptation to "be a man" according to Western standards, is the true man according to Jewish standards!