Ask the Rabbi

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Adar 6 

Have Her Convert?

I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to resolve this in an authentic, non-contentious way. Unfortunately, it is going to be quite difficult for your friend to go through a real conversion.

First she has to believe that Judaism is the true religion. not just accept it by default.

This means that she believes that there is a G-d who gave the Torah to the Jewish people.

Then she has to study what it says in the Torah.

Then she has to commit herself to observe all the commandments in the Torah.

Once she gets to this point, she is ready for a real conversion.

Ironically enough, If she ever did get to this point, she may never want to marry someone like you, who may lack this level of appreciation and commitment.

My advice is to try a separation from your friend and ask yourself this question: "Do I need to be married to this person to find happiness in life, and is it worth all the trouble of converting? Or would I be better off looking for someone else to marry?" Until you have done that trial separation, you do not have clarity about the right thing to do.

Another key step should be to find out more about your own religion. I can see that you are an upright fellow who wants to do the right thing. So find out what's been driving the Jewish people to greatness for the past 3,000 years. I suggest attending a Discovery seminar, an excellent presentation of Jewish history and philosophy which is given in hundreds of cities throughout the world. For the current schedule, visit www.aish.com/dis/

 

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Adar 7

Original Sin

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

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Adar 8

Number of Words and Letters

I am trying to find out how many words there are in the Torah. Short of counting by hand, can you help?

 

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

According to my concordance (Avraham Even Shoshan), here are the stats.

Book              # Parshas  # Chapters  # Verses  # Words   # Letters

Genesis          12                50                1,534        20,512       78,064

Exodus            11               40                1,209        16,723        63,529

Leviticus         10               27                 859           11,950       44,790

Numbers        10               36                 1,288        16,368       63,530

Deuteronomy 11              34                  955            14,294      54,892

TOTAL             54              187                5,845         79,847     304,805

Incidentally, Rabbi Even Shoshan wrote his concordance before the advent of computers! He wrote it by hand, and when there was a pogrom against the Jews, his work was destroyed. So he started from scratch and rewrote it.

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Adar 9

Noah's Ark

There are obviously many ways by which God could have saved Noah. Why did Noah have to bother building an ark? And why did it take him 120 years?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

We have to appreciate that this was no ordinary boat. It measured 300-by-50 cubits, was bigger than a football field and contained over a million cubic feet of space! It was outfitted with three separate levels: The top for Noah and his family, the middle for the animals, and the bottom for the garbage. (Which by the way, shows the Torah's unique concern for the environment. Even while the world was being destroyed, they wouldn't throw the garbage overboard.) God accentuated the oddity of it all by having Noah construct this huge boat – not at the sea shore – but on a mountaintop!

The Midrash Tanchuma says that God specifically wanted Noah to undertake a strange and unusual project, so that people would be curious and ask: "Noah – what are you doing??" This way Noah could engage them in discussion about the problems facing the world, and explain how catastrophe could be avoided – if people would only change their ways.

Well, 120 years is a long time, and you would think that Noah would have convinced a lot of people to get back on track. But alas, Noah failed to turn anyone around. Instead he saw the Ark as his chance to build a big wall and insulate himself from the evils of society. Noah imagined that the Ark was his own ticket to survival, and completely abandoned his mission to influence others.

In one sense it is true that we have to protect ourselves and our families. Maimonides warns us about the danger of living next to neighbors who don't share our system of values. Where there's corruption, the good frequently get swept up with the bad.

But there's a second side to this as well. The "Ark" cannot be completely insulated; it must be porous as well. We have to reach out and try to make a difference in the world. And if we aren't on the level to do so for the sake of others, then at least we should do so for ourselves. Because the reality is that no matter how hard we try, some "bad" does seep in. And if we don't do something to help fix it – in the end it will get us as well.

Ignoring this reality was Noah's tragic mistake. He believed that he could lock himself inside the Ark, and escape from it all.

After the Flood ended, Noah emerged with his family onto dry land: "Noah, the man of the earth, debased himself and planted a vineyard. He became drunk and uncovered himself in his tent..." (Genesis 9:20-22)

When Noah emerged from the Ark and saw the devastation the world had endured, he was depressed and disappointed. Because he knew deep down that he had selfishly stood by and watched it all happen. So he got drunk.

Noah's failure to try and influence his generation is why the Flood is called "the waters of Noah" (Isaiah 54:9). In one sense he bore responsibility for the Flood. This teaches us a crucial life lesson: Don't think that society's problems aren't affecting you. Because they are. And we are each responsible to fix them.

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Adar 10

Is the Midrash Literal?

I respect the Torah greatly and try to observe its commands. One thing that bothers me, however, are the Midrashic texts which describe things in a very far-out way. I recently saw something about Moses being 10 feet tall. Is that to be taken literally? Because if so, I have a hard time accepting it.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You have touched on a very fundamental topic in Jewish thought.

Writing in Jewish Action magazine, Rabbi Yitzchak Adlerstein explains:

There are a number of different ways of dealing with passages that seem to elude our grasp. The simplest is to ignore the problem. If that's what it says, then that's what it means – and let the chips fall where they may.

Many of our rabbis, though, would not concur with such an approach. The twelfth century Maimonides, for instance, wrote about three different attitudes in his day toward the Midrash (aggada). One group felt it an exercise in piety to simply accept everything in the works of the Talmudic rabbis, no matter how far-fetched. But rather than demonstrate their loyalty and tenacity, says Maimonides, these people cause much harm. Rather than praising us as a "wise and discerning people," the non-Jewish world reacts to this stance by thinking of us as "debased and foolish."

And that they did. In the infamous polemical debates of medieval times, a frequent target of the venom of both the Church and the Karaites was the philosophical aggada. Passage after difficult passage was paraded out to show the foolishness of the Jews in believing in this kind of stuff (or their arrogance in elevating Man above God, or assigning human properties to Him, or, at a later time, to demonstrate from the aggada itself that the Jews should really accept the Christian messiah.)

Another approach, if it can be called that, is to assert that the rabbis were simply wrong about many things. This creates a frightful dichotomy in our relationship with the Talmudic rabbis. Is it tenable to see them as incredibly profound when it comes to Jewish law, and incredibly naive and shallow when it comes to the philosophical topics treated in aggada?

There is an alternative, one that accepts without reservation that every syllable of the rabbis resonates with brilliance and profundity. It approaches the words of the Talmudic rabbis with unqualified acceptance and regard. It assumes that every epigram, every passage, every remark flows with the Divine wisdom that is vouchsafed to those who immerse themselves in Torah. At the same time, it refuses to concede any irrationality to the words of these Sages. God himself is the ultimate Source of this wisdom; His Torah cannot be irrational nor even arbitrary.

One figure stands out as a master of this approach. He is Rabbi Judah Loew of Prague, usually identified by the acronym Maharal.

Take the Midrash which says that Vashti, the original queen in the Purim story, had a “tail." According to Maharal, we should not be slaves to the literal meaning of words. The Sages employed a richness of expression, just as we today use our own idiomatic form for a functionless growth. We call it "spare tire." (Will future anthropologists, noting references to "spare tire" but unfamiliar with contemporary usage, assume that people once propelled themselves on two axles?) In explicating the words of the Sages, we must always look for symbolism, allegory, idioms, and the clever turn-of-the-phrase that can say so much in so few words.

Maharal does not reject the miraculous. Rather he rejects a superficial reading of the words of the rabbis, words he is convinced almost always disguise more than they reveal. When we probe the true intent of the rabbis, we discover that they saw Divine intervention occurring in ways that may be more profound than the simple miracle that the text suggests.

To properly understand these Midrashic passages, it is essential to have a learned and wise Torah teacher. If you tell me what city you're located in, I'll be happy to recommend someone that you could contact.

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Adar 11 

Niddah: Why

Why is a couple prohibited from marital relations during the wife's menstruation? Doesn't this reduce the ability of a man and woman to connect through the deeper aspects of marriage? And isn't this whole thing discriminatory toward women?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Actually, the laws of family purity help increase intimacy between husband and wife, and it has nothing to do with "double standards," as we shall explain.

There is a spiritual concept called "tuma." Unfortunately mistranslated as "dirty," tuma is not a description of inferiority, impurity or uncleanliness. Rather, tuma is caused by the "loss of human life." For example, the dead body of a human being contains the greatest degree of tuma.

Similarly, after having marital relations, men are in a state of tuma, because of the loss of the "building blocks" of life within them (Leviticus 15:16). Women incur this state of tuma when they menstruate, because of the loss of potential life within them (Leviticus 15:19). The Talmud calls this a "whisper of death."

Intimacy in Judaism has a very specific meaning. When a man and woman express love for one another in a proper physical relationship, in which they view themselves as two halves of a whole, then a deep emotional-spiritual bond is formed. But if the physical relationship remains rooted primarily on the physical, that focus on self-gratification does not allow for the couple to become whole together.

The period of separation during menstruation enables the couple to achieve true love. This is because a strong yearning between the husband and wife begins to build. This separation also forces a verbal intimacy, since they are not allowed to touch each other. Real intimacy requires the mind and emotions. This painful longing for each other changes the relationship for the better, and when they resume the physical side it already includes the deep emotional-spiritual component.

 

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Adar 12 

Purim Drinking Dangers

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

So whether you're drinking tea or Jack Daniels - here's wishing you a happy Purim!

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Adar 13

Banging for Haman

I find going to the synagogue on Purim to hear the Megillah an unnerving experience to say the least. Why do the children have to set off explosives and make such a ruckus at various times during the reading?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You must be referring to universal practice to bang at the mention of the name of Haman, the story’s antagonist. Although children do tend to go overboard, there is a solid basis for this practice in Jewish tradition.

According to the Sages, Haman, who attempted to wipe out the Jews in the Purim story, descended from the wicked nation of Amalek. (He is referred to as Haman the Aggagite (Esther 3:1), and Agag was the Amaleki king whom King Saul failed to slay when he was commanded to wipe out the nation of Amalek. See I Samuel 15.)

Now Amalek was the first nation to attack the Israelites in the desert after the Exodus (see Exodus 17). As a result, God vowed that there would be an eternal war against Amalek until its nation would be totally destroyed (v. 16). The Torah also commanded that “we wipe out the memory of Amalek from under the heavens,” and that we never forget the evil they did to us (Deut. 25:17-19).

On a philosophical level, Jewish thinkers see Amalek, in its denial of God and obsession with the destruction of the Jews, as the opposing force to Israel in this world. Israel represents belief in God and the purposefulness of existence. Amalek represents an equally strong denial of those very concepts. More generally, God created an equilibrium between good and evil in this world, as Solomon wrote, “This opposite that did God create” (Kohelet 7:14). The force that opposes the good we stand for is Amalek.

Given the mitzvah to wipe out Amalek and Haman being a shining example, the custom came about of destroying the name of Haman. Rabbi Moshe Isserlis (the “Rema”, great Talmudist of 16th century Poland, known primarily for the glosses he wrote on the Shulchan Aruch, codifying Jewish law according to Ashkenazi practice) writes of an ancient custom to draw a picture of Haman or to write his name on a surface, and to then strike that surface until his name or image is erased. More recently, he continues, the custom has become to bang at every mention of Haman’s name during the recitation of the Megillah. He also adds that we should never annul or make light of a custom which has become widespread in Israel (Shu”a 190:16).

So yes, this practice is accepted custom today. Even so, there is no “extra credit” for making more noise than necessary. Many synagogues strictly ban children from bringing devices which contain gunpowder or which otherwise bring the noise to an intolerable level. It would be an excellent idea – well appreciated by most of your congregation – to suggest to your rabbi a similar injunction for your own synagogue.

Another important word of caution is in line. We are obligated to hear every word of the Megillah. The reader should take care to stop reading while the children (or grownups) are banging. And likewise, the children must refrain from banging or making any type of noise while the reader is reading (Mishna Berura 190:60). Children who are too small to remain quiet during the entire reading should not be brought to synagogue.

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Adar 14 

Holy Purim Day

I was told by a friend that Purim is considered the holiest day in the Jewish year. That sounds a little far-out to me. This guy likes to party a lot. Is what he’s saying true?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud says that every Shabbat and Jewish holiday is "half spiritual, half physical." We spend part of the day praying and learning Torah (the spiritual), and the rest of the day eating a fine meal and resting (the physical).

One exception to this rule is Yom Kippur, when both halves are spiritual: We spend our entire day praying in the synagogue, with no food, no marital relations, and minimal rest.

The other exception is Purim, when both halves are physical: We feast, make lots of noise to drown out Haman's name, imbibe, and wear funny costumes.

Interestingly, we see the balance of half-physical/half-spiritual reflected within each holiday itself. On Yom Kippur, we prepare for the fast by having a feast the day before. On Purim, we prepare for the feast by fasting the day before (Ta'anit Esther).

The Vilna Gaon (18th century Lithuania) explains that "Purim" shares the same letters as "Yom HaKippurim" - the Biblical name for Yom Kippur. That which we accomplish on Yom Kippur with spiritual pursuits, we accomplish on Purim with physical pursuits. These holidays are two sides of the same coin, two halves of the same day.

We would assume that Yom Kippur is the greater of the two days. But in one sense, Purim is even greater. Why? Because it is easier to achieve spiritual elevation on a day like Yom Kippur, when we spend all day in the synagogue and have no time for forbidden activities such as gossiping or getting angry. By fasting, the soul achieves dominance over the body. However on Purim, in our state of mild inebriation (and it shouldn't be more than mild!), it is much harder to maintain our human dignity.

Rabbi Eliyahu KiTov writes: "If one attains holiness through affliction, and another attains holiness through indulgence, who is the greater of the two? It may be said that the one who attains holiness through indulgence is greater, for the attainment of holiness through indulgence requires an infinitely greater degree of striving and effort" (Book of Our Heritage).

In this way, the potential for spiritual elevation on Purim is greater than on Yom Kippur. And this is reflected in the Hebrew name: Yom HaKippurim can be translated to mean "a day like Purim" - i.e. Yom Kippur is a shadow of the greatness of Purim. (Literally, "Yom HaKippurim" means "day of atonement.")

This Purim, as we're drinking and partying, we should keep this in mind and not let the opportunity fly by. So party hearty - and party holy!

(I should reiterate that we should not drink ourselves senseless. Jewish law – as well as common sense – dictate that we drink more than our wont and no more. A glass or two of wine is typically quite enough to get in the proper spirit.)

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Adar 15 

Esther & Achashverosh

In the Purim story, how do we understand that Mordechai handed over Esther to Achashverosh? I remember in the synagogue years ago, no one could agree on just what their relationship was. But I have read on a few occasions that Esther was Mordechai's wife. So what's the story?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Although it is not explicit in the Megillah, the Talmud does say that Esther was Mordechai's wife. So how could Mordechai hand his wife over to be raped by Achashverosh? Indeed, how could he hand her over even if she were not his wife?!

The fact is that Mordechai did not hand her over. Achashverosh's representatives went from door to door kidnapping every pretty girl, single or otherwise. Needless to say, Esther was hidden, but the king's guards found her.

Esther refused to apply makeup or perfume in the hope that the king would find her unattractive and would send her home - but to no avail. Among all the women in his vast kingdom, he chose her to be queen!

Further, Mordechai instructed Esther not to tell anyone about her heritage as a descendant of King Saul, so that Achashverosh, thinking her a plebeian, would have no interest in her. This ruse was unsuccessful as well.

At the end of the day, though, Esther was the key to saving the Jewish people from annihilation. Apparently things worked out as they were supposed to.

 

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Adar 16

Effort versus Trust in God

I heard a joke about a man who wants to win the lottery. Each week he prays to win, and after many weeks go by, he finally complains to God, "Why haven't I won?" Replies God, "You should have bought a ticket."

While the obvious message is that "God helps those who help themselves," I imagine that God doesn't need someone to purchase a lottery ticket. I once received a lottery ticket in the mail as part of a marketing promotion. So if God wants you to win, you'll win.

So, if I want to win the lottery, should I buy a ticket?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

This is an excellent question and I think there are two answers.

First, God wants us to make the effort, not because He needs it, but because we need it. Our actions create a change within us.

In the Talmud, a scoffer tells Rebbe Akiva: "You shouldn't be helping poor people, because it was God who made them poor, and by helping them you're going against God's plan!"

Rebbe Akiva answered: "God made poor people precisely in order that we should help them. Helping others is what God wants us to do."

So you see, God wants us to make the effort. This same idea is expressed in many other ways in Judaism - e.g. circumcising a new baby boy, or turning raw kernels of wheat into bread. Obviously God wants us to be active and involved in bringing perfection to the world.

The second answer is that God made a system called "nature," through which He operates. Of course God can override that system (and He often does - that's what we call "miracles"). But God prefers to remain somewhat hidden - to preserve our quest to find Him.

So that's why if you want the money, it helps to buy a lottery ticket.

Though of course, don't go out and buy a whole stack of tickets. Because if God wants you to win, one ticket should be enough.

In the section discussing prophecy, the Torah states, "You shall (trust) wholeheartedly in God" (Deut. 18:13). We are enjoined to trust in God, but to what degree do we have an obligation to make a normal human effort and what is considered a lack of trust in God?

The question arises regarding testing people before marriage for being carriers of Tay-Sachs disease. Some people wonder whether such testing is not contrary to the trust we are required to have in Divine Providence - why search for problems when in all probability none exist?

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, of blessed memory, a foremost authority on Jewish law, clarified this point. "Although the percentage of infants born with this disease is small and one might be apt to apply the verse: 'You shall trust wholeheartedly in the Almighty,' (which Rashi interprets as meaning that one should not delve into the future), in light of the fact that a simple test has been developed for this, one who does not make use of it is like one who shuts his eyes to what can clearly be seen. Since the birth of such a child, God forbid, causes great anguish... it is prudent for all who are considering marriage to undergo this test." (cited in Jewish Observer, May, 1986)

Having trust in the Almighty gives a person peace of mind and serenity. However, one should never use a claim of trust in God to condone laziness or rash behavior. There is a thin line between the virtue of trusting in God and the fault of carelessness and irresponsibility.

There is the story of a man who lived by a river. A policeman warns him to evacuate because of a flood warning. The man rejects the offer and says, "I have perfect trust in God to save me." As the water rises, a person in a boat offers to take him to safety. The man again replies with his proclamation of trust and refuses the ride. Finally, as the man is sitting on his roof, a helicopter comes to rescue him; again the man proclaims his trust and refuses the rescue. The water rises, the man drowns and is finally standing in judgment before the Almighty. "God, I had perfect trust in You. Why did You let me down?" The Almighty replies, "But, my son, I sent a policeman, a boat and a helicopter!"

The only way to be considered a "failure" in life is by being lazy and not trying hard enough. Why? Because we can only expected to work with the tools God provides. And whatever He provides is precisely what I need. Whether or not the eventual goal is completed - that is in God's hands.

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Adar 17

Medical Help

Unfortunately my young child has been diagnosed with a serious disease. I am terrified trying to wade through all the tests and doctors on my own. Do you know anyone who can help guide me?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

It is a time-honored Jewish tradition to assist those with medical needs. This is inevitably a time of stress for the patient and the family.

For medical information, contact www.rofeh.org - the worldwide health assistance organization of the Bostoner chassidim. They track all the best doctors in the U.S., and can always point you where to go.

You could also get guidance from:

Chai Lifeline, which assists sick Jewish children with cancer and other genetic diseases.

www.chailifeline.org/

In Israel, the big medical advisory organizations are:

Rabbi Elimelech Firer - 03-677-0730, fax 03-676-1489

Rabbi Binyamin Fisher - 02-643-9140, 643-3474

Ezer Mitzion - 02-500-2111, fax 02-537-4881

Wherever you are located, it always helps to have others praying on your behalf. To facilitate this, send the person's Hebrew (and their mother's name) to refuah@aish.com, with a brief description of his condition.

Wishing your child a full and speedy recovery.

 

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Adar 18 

Infertility

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We are very happy except that we have not been blessed with children. We have gone through various fertility treatments. Unfortunately we recently failed for the 17th try at in vitro fertilization. Basically we have tried everything – the adoption route, and even donor eggs.

Of course there is always hope and this is why I am contacting you. We think that perhaps at our wedding there was some bad vibes of evil eye (Ayin Hara). It was suggested that if we get divorced, the Ayin Hara will be broken, and then we could get remarried and maybe get pregnant.

I know this is unusual, but we are desperate. I would appreciate any advice you could give us, because right now anything goes. She is 43 and I'm 50. So if not now, when?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I sympathize with your pain and frustration, and I commend you for doing all you can to find the best solution to a very challenging situation.

However, I don’t think this “divorce plan” is a good idea. Given the first injunction in the Torah – “Be fruitful and multiply” – someone who does not have children is obligated to marry someone who can bear children. Since you are already married, you need not marry someone else. However, if you divorce, it would be incumbent upon you to marry a woman with whom you have a better chance than your wife to have children.

The point I think you should focus on right now is the Talmudic saying that a person should never give up hope, even in the bleakest circumstances (Brachot 10a). Medical research is constantly improving, and any condition can surely, with God's help, have its remedy. For some cutting edge ideas, visit the website of Dr. Sherman Silber, a friend and world-class expert in the field – www.infertile.com.

For the halachic aspects of testing sperm to enhance pregnancy chances – see Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Yabia Omer II E.H. 1:7). The permitted methods vary, but no responsible couple would be married even two years without getting tested.

Another good resource is www.atime.org, a huge support network of Jewish couples who have gone through the pain of infertility.

Another wonderful option is adoption. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 19b) says that one who raises an orphan in his home, it is as if he had given birth to him. Thus, a couple who physically cannot bear children, can raise a child and it will be considered as if they had given birth to the child. I highly recommend a book called "The Bamboo Cradle" by Avraham Schwartzbaum, the story of an American couple who adopted a baby in China, and the amazing Jewish journey that results.

In the meantime, do not feel that your lives cannot go on without children. In the last generation, many great role models did not have children: the Chazon Ish, Rabbi Chaim Ozer Grodzinsky, Rabbi Simcha Wasserman, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, etc. We also have a tradition that the great prophets Chanania, Mishael and Azaria were childless ("Yalkut Shimoni" 2-Kings 245). And if at all possible, adoption is a wonderful means of raising children in your home.

The best literature on this subject, in my opinion is, Isaiah 56:3-5, which explains there are higher values in life than having children. I recommend that you read it, reread it, and strive to internalize it.

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Adar 19 

Giving Without Recognition

I try to be helpful and considerate of others. But why is it that when someone helps others, they don't always get paid back when they need help, too?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I once asked a great rabbi: "What if I keep giving to someone, and they don't reciprocate? What should I do?"

"Just keep giving to them," he explained. "Relish your role as a provider. Send out the constant message – 'I care for you.' Eventually, they will wake up one day and realize – 'My gosh, I have a wonderful friend here who treats me like a king. I ought to start doing the same in return!'"

On the other hand, you have to know your own limits and be careful not to reach a point where you become neurotic and resentful. Then the giving becomes a negative, destructive act.

A good way to exercise your "giving muscles" is to give to others anonymously. This way, you reduce your dependency on recognition and reciprocation.

There is a famous story called "The Miser of Krakow," which takes place in 17th century Poland.

The richest Jew in Krakow was known to be a miser. Whenever someone would be in dire straits and in need of money, they would go to the Miser's house crying, asking for money. But he never gave even a penny. This pattern repeated itself for many years.

When the Miser died, he was buried in a small corner of the cemetery, a place reserved for shady characters.

When Friday came along, something strange happened. Early in the morning a poor man came knocking at the rabbi's door. "Every Friday I receive an unmarked envelope in my mailbox, containing enough money to buy food for Shabbat," the man explained. “But this week, nothing arrived." The rabbi gave the man a bit of money and sent him on his way.

A few minutes later, another man came knocking on the rabbi's door. Same story. Again and again, one by one, all the poor people of the town came with the same story: This week, their anonymous envelope did not arrive – for the first time in years.

Finally, the rabbi realized who had been secretly supporting the entire town all these years. The Miser never told anyone about his philanthropy because he didn't want anyone to feel like they owed him.

The rabbi instructed his family that when he dies, he wants to be buried right next to the holy Miser of Krakow. Until today, a visit to the old Krakow cemetery shows the rabbi and the miser, buried together in a small corner of the cemetery.

From this story we learn that when we do something good for a person, even if they don't pay us back – don't worry! God is watches everything we do, and makes sure we get the proper reward.

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Adar 20 

Kosher Chuppah

I will be getting married in a few months and we want to make sure that the ceremony is "religiously correct." What do we need to know?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

In Jewish law, a marriage becomes official when the groom (chatan) gives an object of value to the bride (kallah). This is traditionally done with a ring. The ring should be made of plain gold, without blemishes or ornamentation (e.g. stones) - just as it is hoped that the marriage will be one of simple beauty.

The groom takes the wedding ring in his hand, and in clear view of two witnesses, declares to the bride, "Behold, you are betrothed unto me with this ring, according to the law of Moses and Israel." He then places the ring on the forefinger of the bride's right hand.

According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding ceremony, and at this point the couple is fully married.

This is more central to the wedding than the photographer, the bridesmaid’s dresses, the flowers, and even the smorgasbord.

If the bride also wants to give a ring to the chatan, this should be only done afterwards, not under the chuppah. This is to prevent confusion as to what constitutes the actual marriage, as prescribed by the Torah.

The Talmud says that for a wedding to be valid, there must be two "kosher" witnesses - i.e. men over the age of 13 who are Shabbat observant, and are related neither to the bride or groom, nor to each other. (Note that this is a requirement for all parts of the ceremony which require witnesses – such as the signing of the ketubah.)

For more, see our "Guide to the Jewish Wedding.”

 

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Adar 21 

Mikveh - Why?

Why are a man and woman prohibited from marital relations during her menstruation? Does Judaism consider women somehow “unclean”? And if a woman always has to go to mikveh, when is the couple together?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah speaks of a spiritual concept called "Tuma." Often mistranslated as "dirty," Tuma is not a description of spiritual inferiority, impurity or uncleanliness. Rather, it is a metaphysical phenomenon representing the "loss of human life." For example, a dead human body contains the greatest degree of "Tuma."

Similarly, after having marital relations, men are in a state of Tuma, because of the loss of the "building blocks" of life within them (Leviticus 15:16).

Women incur this state of Tuma when they menstruate, because of the loss of potential life, as the unfertilized ovum is expelled from her body (Leviticus 15:19). The Talmud calls this a "whisper of death."

Upon menstruating, a woman must not have physical contact with her husband. The woman waits until the bleeding stops (usually five days) and then counts seven “clean days.” At this point she goes to the mikveh, a special pool containing "natural" water untouched by human hands – such as rainwater, a river, or underground spring.

A mikveh is a spiritual tool; it has no association with hygiene. Indeed, one who enters a mikveh must be perfectly clean before immersion. To understand mikveh in depth, consider the Yom Kippur service as once practiced in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. At the apex of the service, the High Priest would enter the innermost chamber of the Temple – the Holy of Holies. For seven days beforehand, the High Priest prepared himself for this moment. But the High Priest had one final preparation before the awesome moment of entering the Holy of Holies: He immersed in the mikveh.

The resumption of the act of intimacy of a Jewish woman with her husband is a similarly awesome moment. After her seven days preparing for that moment, a woman immerses in a mikveh in order to elevate her marital relationship. The mikveh experience is like a "spiritual rebirth."

With mikveh – and God's presence – the relationship changes from something that's completely physical, an act which subhuman species also engage in, to an act of holiness and the highest human expression. At the mikveh, the woman utters a prayer inviting God to sanctify their forthcoming intimacy.

The mikveh is key to building a healthy Jewish marriage. Intermittent abstinence from physical relations strengthens the relationship, since the husband and wife must relate on an emotional level independent of any issues of physicality. During the two weeks without physical contact, a couple has to learn how to communicate better with each other.

This is an invaluable lesson in our society which, for all its obeisance to feminism, continues to treat women as objects, in advertising, at the workplace and too often in the home itself.

Furthermore, any relationship works on desire. If the woman is always available, then the man can become bored and seek other outlets. When everything becomes permitted, he eventually becomes accustomed to it and disinterested. There is nothing left to stimulate his imagination. Boredom in marriage is no small matter. It is extremely destructive and is a leading cause of divorce.

During the period of separation, a strong yearning builds between the husband and wife. The fact that the husband has such a strong attachment to his wife means that even when she is not available, he will not seek outside pleasure; he will wait for her because he is so attached to her. When they resume the physical side, it is a monthly “honeymoon” all over again. This keeps the marriage alive and fresh.

Mikveh also teaches the value of restraint. In a world where infidelity is as common as it is today – there have been estimates that almost one of every two married men has been unfaithful – people have to learn the art of restraint. Within the Jewish marriage relationship, if a husband and wife can't have access to each other at regular intervals, it means they must learn to control themselves within the marriage relationship. Outside the marriage relationship, when a temptation suddenly develops and they're called upon to exercise restraint, they know how to respond.

Jewish couples who were initially unaware of the mikveh practice, and who learned about it and incorporated it into their lives, report that the genius of this practice is so great that no human mind could have invented it. Indeed, modern therapists have taken a clue from the Torah and are recommending a cyclical on-off period for married couples. It gives the woman a break during the time when she is most physically uncomfortable. And it removes the ever-present question of waiting for “the moment” to strike.

This also helps maximize the potential for procreation. Studies show that ovulation – the most fertile time of a woman’s cycle – occurs precisely at the time the woman goes to the mikveh.

The observance of Taharat Hamishpacha (lit: “family purity”) has been a central feature of Jewish life for millennia. Indeed, Jewish law mandates that even before a town’s synagogue is built, a mikveh must first be established.One finds mikvehs in medieval Spain, in ancient Italy and in the famed desert outpost of Masada. In fact the single most decisive element archaeologists use in determining whether or not an unearthed settlement is Jewish is the presence of a mikveh.

Read more by Rebbetzin Feige Twerski at www.aish.com/f/rf/48941961.html

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Adar 22 

What is a Man?

I was born and raised on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. It appears that in the Western world, a "man" is expected to be macho, keep up with the latest fashion, smoke, drink alcohol, be a womanizer, etc. But experience has shown me that there is something wrong with this definition.

Could you please give me a Jewish definition of what it means to be a "man"?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

In Hebrew, one of the words for "man" is "gever."

"Gever" comes from the same root as "gavar," which means to overcome or conquer. (Similarly, the Hebrew word for hero is "gibor.")

So a true man is one who overcomes. But overcomes what?

The Talmud (Avot 4:1) says: "Who is a 'gibor,' a mighty man? He who conquers his evil inclination."

To explain: The evil inclination is the desire within each human being to follow physical passions. In other words, the desire to smoke, drink, eat and "be a womanizer" (as you put it).

Life is full of challenges in these areas. No matter what level we're on, there is always a new test awaiting us. Because the reason for our being here in the first place is to grow by overcoming these challenges.

Of course, we need to engage in the physical world. But we should not do so for its own sake; rather we infuse our physical experiences with an eye toward a higher, spiritual goal.

Ironically, one who overcomes the temptation to "be a man" according to Western standards, is the true man according to Jewish standards!

 

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Adar 23

Hitler's Level of Accountability

I have been wondering about the status of someone like Hitler who did not actually kill the 6 million with his own hands, but ordered it done by his emissaries. Does murder by his agents put him into the category of a mass murderer for all those they killed? Or does that just make him evil? Since the ones who perpetrated the murders all had free will, perhaps only they are actually considered "murderers" while their Fuhrer is technically exonerated from those acts? Just wondering.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You are asking a dual question: What is the culpability of one who hires or orders one to do a sin, in this case, murder? Secondly, if the director of the act is culpable, does that release his messengers from their responsibility of murder and all the blame goes to him?

In the Talmud, the opinion of Shamai is that if one sends an agent to murder someone, the agent is considered the murderer and not the one who sent him. The majority opinion, however, disagrees with Shamai and holds that the dispatcher is a murderer. (Kiddushin 43a)

Maimonides, when codifying this law, writes: "...One who hires a killer to murder another, or sent his slave to do so... is a spiller of blood and the sin of murder is on his hands; he deserves the punishment of 'death by Heaven' but he does not receive the death penalty by a court of Jewish law..." (Laws of Murder 2:2)

We see clearly that according to Jewish law one who hires or orders another to murder is considered a murderer himself. This is one of a number of examples where, due to the lack of a clear action, one is considered a murderer in the "heavenly court" although a penalty in a Beis Din or Jewish court could not be meted out; it is left to the "heavenly court" to exact justice. We similarly find that King Saul was considered a murderer for sending his army to kill the inhabitants of Nov, the city of the priests, (see 2-Samuel 21:1, with Rashi, and verses 1-10).

The question still remains as to the responsibility of the messenger who actually perpetrated the murder; does the culpability of the dispatcher release him from blame?

The Maharal (16th century Prague) says that when Esav was coming to kill Jacob, not only he but all his 400 warriors were liable for the death penalty. Although the 400 were coming by force of their king and commander, Esav. Murder, being one of the three cardinal sins, obligates one to forfeit his own life rather than murder another. The fact that Esav would kill them if they did not carry out his command is therefore not an excuse which would release his men from blame (Gur Aryeh, Genesis 32:8).

All this, and other sources out of the scope of this column, show clearly that Hitler was not only evil, but a mass murderer, personally responsible for the murders of every one of the 6 million Jews as well as many millions of gentiles. His henchmen who carried out his evil will remain fully responsible as well; the "Fuehrer's" command does not exonerate them from full personal culpability.

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Adar 24

Pluralism

I get upset when I see different Jewish denominations at odds with each other. Why doesn’t everyone just accept everyone else? Or perhaps is there a way to know which of the denominations is the most correct?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

A Jewish man is shipwrecked on a desert island. After 10 years he's finally rescued by a passing ship. When the rescuers embark on the island, they are surprised to find the man has built himself an entire civilization: golf course, restaurant, and two synagogues.

"But since you're here all alone on the island," they asked, "why do you have TWO synagogues?"

"Because," replied the man, pointing to the buildings, "that's the one I go to, and that's the one I don't!"

At the core of the pluralism issue is the debate over whether there's "More than one way to be a good Jew." Indeed, there have always been divergent streams of observance – like Chassidic, Sefardic vs. Ashkenazic, and even the Talmudic arguments between the Talmudic academies of Shammai and Hillel.

And yet, historic precedents show that there are limits to pluralism, beyond which a group is schismatic to the point where it is no longer considered Jewish. For example, everyone considers Jews for Jesus as outside of the legitimate Jewish sphere. The disagreement, then, lies in defining exactly what are the acceptable limits of divergence.

Historically, any Jewish group which denied the basic principles of Jewish tradition – Torah and mitzvah-observance – ultimately ceased to be part of the Jewish people. The Sadducees and the Karites, for instance, refused to accept certain parts of the Oral Law, and soon after broke away completely as part of the Jewish People. The Hellenists, secularists during the Second Temple period, also soon became regarded as no longer "Jewish." Eventually, these groups vanished completely.

Early Christians were the original "Jews for Jesus." They accepted the Divine revelation of the Torah, but not the eternal, binding nature of the commandments. Initially, these Jews were reliable in their kashrut, and counted in a minyan. But the turning point came when Paul, realizing that Jews wouldn't accept the concept of a dead Messiah, opened up membership to non-Jews. At that point, these "Jews" experienced a total severing of Jewish identity.

I can’t predict what will happen to the various streams within Judaism today, but I do believe that the best bet for a strong Jewish future is to remain loyal to our faith and traditions.

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Adar 25 

Married at Different Levels of Observance

My husband and I have been married for two years, happily. I am Orthodox and he is not. He has learned how to make Kiddush and say Grace After Meals (with transliteration), and happily accompanies me to peoples' homes for Shabbat meals (including local Aish folks, who are terrific). However, he shows little inclination to go further. We have agreed that our children will go to Orthodox day school. I try very hard not to push, but to be a quiet example. Yet it can be very frustrating at times.

My question is: Aside from prayer, which is the most powerful thing I do, is there anything else I can do to spur him along? We really have a wonderful relationship, and he has an incredible Jewish spark which glows, despite no nurturing in youth.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I think the answer is to expose your husband to role models. Rabbis are good, but I think even more important are successful, intelligent, worldly orthodox men. A rabbi can inspire your husband, but your husband can never imagine himself fitting that model. He will relate a lot more to a couple where the husband is working. Besides, since it's essentially a rabbi's job to reach out to people, the non-rabbi may be perceived as more sincere.

The other thing is you can have a religious man (even a rabbi in this case) come to your house and teach, say, a 3-part series on a topic like parenting, marriage, kindness, or business ethics. This way your husband can see how Torah wisdom directly applies to issues relevant to him – and provides meaningful answers. Perhaps it is worth the investment for you to underwrite the cost, just to get the ball rolling.

Another important thing: Give him a chance to see how your observance and learning directly increases your appreciation, respect and affection for him. In other words, do something really nice, and then when he thanks you, tell him that you got the idea from having heard a certain Torah lesson. Once he sees the correlation, and how your Jewish involvement is "good for him" – in a practical, everyday sense – he is bound to be more encouraging and interested himself.

Also, has he been to a Discovery seminar? That frequently can give a big jump-start to someone's interest and involvement. The seminar is given in hundreds of cities throughout the world. For more info: http://www.aish.com/dis/

Finally, ask the Almighty to open his heart.

 

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Adar 26

Elderly

Back in my day, society accorded honor to the elderly. But it seems that today, with all the 25-year-old billionaires running the show, the elderly have been thrown to the back of the bus. As a Jew and a grandma, I find this attitude offensive. What says the rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Judaism emphasizes the tradition that is handed down from one generation to the next. The Talmudic tractate "Pirkei Avot" begins by telling us that Moses – after receiving the Torah on Mount Sinai – transmitted its teachings to Joshua, and from Joshua to the elders, the elders to the prophets, and the prophets to the Great Assembly. We constantly credit our preceding generations with the wisdom upon which our entire way of life is based.

The Torah specifically instructs us to "honor the elderly" (Leviticus 19:32). On public buses in Israel, for example, the first row of seats is marked with a sign quoting this verse. That is because every old person is regarded as having a special wisdom that comes with life experience.

Humans are made up of two parts, physical and spiritual. The physical body allows the Divine soul to develop and to fulfill its role in the world. By the time a person reaches old age, the body begins to wear down. This enables the spiritual side to exert itself to an even greater degree. Based on this idea, the Talmud delineates the different stages of life: Age 30 is for peak physical strength, and age 80 is for peak spiritual strength. In the secular world, where physical strength and beauty is emphasized, a person at age 80 is regarded as having little value. In the Torah world, 80 is prime time!

I once met a man who was a professional bowler. He was experiencing a mid-life crisis, because his athletic career was basically over. He was depressed and couldn't imagine what he'd do with the rest of his life. Then he discovered the joys of learning Torah and he became a changed man. He said: "Now I have something to look forward to the rest of my life, an area where I can continue to improve and develop."

Spiritual strength has never been higher, as the person prepares for his or her return to the embrace of God. Judaism recognizes all this, and accords the elderly great respect as they near the completion of their missions on Earth. Just as a retiring executive is given a farewell party upon his completion of his job, people are celebrated as they near the ends of their missions on Earth as well.

Further, Judaism teaches us to honor even an old person who no longer possesses their full mental faculties. The source for this teaching is the Ten Commandment tablets that Moses shattered, which were kept alongside the new tablets in the Ark of the Covenant. It teaches that we must continue to respect the elderly, even when they are intellectually "broken."

There is a great power in being in the presence of old people. The Talmud (Eruvin 13b) relates that Rabbi Yehudah HaNasi, the editor of the Mishnah, attributed his own greatness to the fact that he had seen "the back" of Rabbi Meir. Rabbi Yehudah added, "Had I seen Rabbi Meir's front, I would have been even greater!"

The Talmud is teaching us something very deep. Rabbi Meir was the last of a great generation. What Rabbi Yehudah HaNasi said was, "At least I saw the tail end of a great generation. That made an indelible impression upon me. But my students did not see that. They never even saw the "back of Rabbi Meir."

If society’s determination of one's worth is based on the ability to dress fashionably or navigate cyberspace, then the "older generation" is setting itself up for failure in their children's eyes. Because in the long run, they will never be able to compete with the technology of the younger generation.

Why is it that respect for the elderly permeates Jewish life? The story is told of two grandfathers, one religious and one agnostic, who were having a chat. "I don't understand," said the agnostic. "My grandchildren don't respect me. They never come to visit. And when they do, it's only to borrow money or ask for a favor. But your grandchildren are different. They come to see you often, they sit at your feet while you share stories and thoughts, anxious to hear every word. What's the difference between you and me?"

"I'll tell you the difference," said the religious man. "I teach my grandchildren that I'm two generations closer to receiving the Torah at Mount Sinai. You teach your grandchildren that you're two generations closer to the ape from which you evolved."

One last point: Judaism accords special honor to grandparent, with the understanding that even more than the joy of having children is the joy of grandchildren. Why is this so?

Most creatures in the world have parent-child relationships – whether it is a mother lion protecting her cubs or a mother bird feeding her young. But only the human being has a concept of grandchildren, of perpetuation beyond a single generation. Being a grandparent is therefore an experience which connects us to our uniqueness as human beings. (This explains why Jacob, on his deathbed, blessed his grandchildren before blessing his children.)

Further, once one's children have grown up and start raising children of their own, then one begins to see how well his values have been transmitted. Far more than children, it is grandchildren who reveal the foundation and future direction of a family line. Interestingly, today in Jewish circles there is a popular saying: "The issue is not whether you have Jewish children, it's whether you'll have Jewish grandchildren."

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Adar 27 

Assisted Suicide

I am a university student in Alberta, Canada and I am doing a research paper on euthanasia from the Jewish perspective. Can you direct me to more information? Thank you.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The amazing strides in medical technology has given humanity the ability to extend or save a life which was impossible just a decade or two ago. This has brought to the forefront some moral and ethical issues concerning the value of life, and when to apply or withhold medical services.

Rabbi Tzvi Meklenberg, 19th century Europe, wrote in his scholarly work "Haktav vi-Hakaballah":

"The seemingly repetitive nature of the verse in Genesis 9:5: 'From the hand of every man; from the hand of every man who is his brother will I demand the life of man,' refers to two types of murder:

1) to the detriment of the victim ("from the hand of every man") – i.e. in order for revenge, or money, etc.

2) for the benefit of the victim ("from the hand of every man who is his brother"), when he is in great pain and would rather die than live.

By referring to the two ways in which one person might take another's life, the Torah does not differentiate based on motive and reasons. Both are equally prohibited."

Jewish law maintains that one has no absolute ownership of one's body. We are given a body for a fixed time. We are obliged to guard it for safe-keeping and to make rational decisions about its care. We have no rights to tamper with life except for the purpose of preventing its destruction or loss.

Life, be it for 120 years, or a split second, is itself of infinite value. It has intrinsic value, mystical, and unfathomable. Therefore the quality of life during any one moment does not alter its infinite value.

Regarding assisted suicide, Jewish law is clear and definite. Under no circumstances may a doctor directly kill, or indirectly provide the means for suicide. Any form of active euthanasia is strictly prohibited and condemned as plain murder. The fact that the patient is in unremitting pain and pleads for assistance in ending his life does not change the law. Murder is one of the three cardinal sins prohibited by the Torah, and anyone who kills a dying person is liable to the death penalty as a common murderer.

Terrible "mistakes" have been made which cost people their lives. A relative of mine was in a very bad auto accident (in which three of the occupants were killed). She was in a coma and the doctors wanted to "pull the plug." The family resisted, and 20 years later this woman is 100 percent alive and healthy.

Even the removal of a pillow when a person is in death throes, thereby hastening death, is forbidden. (Rabbi Moses Isserles, Code of Jewish Law)

Having said this, there are certain conditions where it may be permitted to withhold certain medical treatments that would otherwise prolong life. Though any real-life situation must be discussed with a rabbi, well-versed in practical halacha.

For further study, see: www.aish.com/ci/sam, www.jlaw.com/Articles/suicide.html, and www.jlaw.com/Articles/phys-suicide.html

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Adar 28 

Big 3 Cardinal Sins

I am intrigued by which of the "Big 3 mitzvahs" a Jew is expected to give his life for rather than transgress. What exactly are they, and where do they come from?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

This is a serious subject with lots of material written on it. We can't possibly learn all the details, but let's try to get a general idea.

Maimonides writes that if a person were to say to a Jew "Violate one of the commandments or I will kill you," the Jew should violate the commandment and not be killed, since that the Torah says "You shall observe My decrees and My laws, so that you shall live by them." The inference from the words "live by them" is that you shall not "die by them!" This however does not apply to three mitzvahs: 1) murder 2) forbidden sexual relations and 3) worship of other gods. (Maimonides - Foundations of the Torah 5:2)

MURDER

Imagine the case: Mike says to Dave: "Either you kill that person, or I will kill you." The law is that Dave must allow himself to be killed rather than kill the other person. The reason is logical, in the language of the Talmud: "What makes you think your blood is redder than his? Perhaps his blood is redder!" Or in other words, "How can you judge between your life and his? Perhaps he is worthier than you!" Since it is impossible to know who is the "better Jew," one has to let the circumstances play out without killing the other person. (Yoma 82b)

This logic applies even if Mike were to say to the inhabitants of a Jewish town, "Give me one Jew to kill, or if you don't, I will kill all of you." Since it is impossible to decide whose blood is the "least red," the town must not give anyone to Butch to be killed, and they must all allow themselves to be killed. (Maimonides - Yesodei HaTorah 5:5)

FORBIDDEN SEXUAL RELATIONS

The reason why someone must allow himself to be killed rather than be involved in forbidden sexual relations, is because the Torah compares rape to murder. (Deuteronomy 22:26, Talmud - Yoma 82a)

IDOL WORSHIP

The reason why one must allow himself to be killed rather than worship other gods comes from a verse in the Shema: "You shall love your God with all your heart, WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, and with all your possessions" (Deuteronomy 6:5). In other words, you should love God so much that you're willing to give up your life to serve him (Talmud - Yoma 82a).

The reason why loving God with all your soul specifically applies to the worship of other gods is because the belief that "God is One," the Creator and Controller of everything, is the basis for all of Judaism. The worship of other gods is a denial of this basic tenant.

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Adar 29 

Rashi's Daughters

Is it true that Rashi's daughters wore Tefillin? If so, what is the source? Why could those women wear them and other women not?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

There are some who claim that Rashi's daughters put on Tefillin, but to my knowledge it is not written in any authoritative book. Neither Rashi himself nor Rabeinu Ta'am (a prominent Tosefot author and son of Rashi's daughter) mention anything about Rashi's daughters wearing Tefillin.

You may have heard that the Talmud (Eruvin 96a) says that Michal, the daughter of King Shaul and wife of King David, put on Tefillin. However, the Talmud Yerushalmi (Brachot 2:3) says that the Sages objected to this.

(see also: Igrot Moshe - OC 4:49)

 

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Nisan 1 

Calendar Software

Is there any way I can get hold of a Jewish calendar for the current year?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You can get a copy of a software program called "Kaluach" which is a Jewish calendar covering thousands of years, giving you dates of holidays, parshas, candle-lighting times, etc. It covers hundreds of cities throughout the world, and switches from English to Hebrew - plus lots of other fun gadgets.

It is available free at (where else?) Aish.com. http://www.aish.com/jl/hol/o/48970511.html