Ask the Rabbi

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24 Chesh

Jerusalem Programs for Women

I’m a 30-year-old single Jewish woman. For many years I have wanted to go to Israel and study for a short sabbatical-like trip. I am now between jobs and have the opportunity. What do you recommend for my age and station in life?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

When you are in Jerusalem, I encourage you to visit any of the following excellent study programs for women:

Jewel – a 3-week introductory program, where university and professional women from all backgrounds build a foundation in Self Development, Prayer, Bible, Hebrew, Mysticism, Philosophy, Holidays and more. Jewel offers an easygoing environment to fully explore your Jewish heritage with top lecturers from around the world. www.jewel4women.com/

EYAHT, Aish HaTorah’s College for Women, offers a multi-level study program for university and professional women from all backgrounds. EYAHT is headed by Rebbetzin Dena Weinberg, who has empowered a generation of Jewish women to inspire other women across the globe. A new state-of-the-art 5-story campus in Jerusalem houses our expanding programs. www.eyaht.org/

Gem – Catering to Jewish women 30 years and older, Gem answers those philosophical and theological questions you've had for years. The 10-day program features classes, day trips, and a weekend retreat. Our esteemed faculty and caring staff will give you the experience of a lifetime. http://israel.aish.com/gem/

Neve Yerushalayim – the largest Jewish women's college in Israel. www.nevey.org

She'arim – www.shearim.com

Midreshet Rachel – http://www.darchenoam.org/midreshet-rachel/

And don't miss the world-famous Discovery seminar, offered each week in Jerusalem. www.aish.com/dis/

 

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25 Cheshvan

Wine

From my observations, wine has been the cause of the breakdown of many people's personal lives, marriages, and health. So why do so many Jewish ceremonies, (i.e. Kiddush, wedding ceremonies, Passover, Brit Milah) use wine?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah also states the danger of wine. When God warned Adam not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, He said, "On the day you eat from it, you will die." The Talmud (Brochot 40a) states that the fruit that Adam and Eve ate was a grape, since "there is no other type of fruit that can bring man to howling to his death." (It is understood that Adam and Eve turned the grapes into wine before drinking it). Alcohol, according to the Da'at Zekanim, the 11th century commentator, is the cause of every death in the Torah.

So how is it possible that Jewish law could prescribe the use of such a toxic drink? Wouldn't it be better to use orange juice?!

In truth, grapes are a neutral object. When used purely for pleasure it causes death. Eve used the grape for her own pleasure, as it says "Eve saw that the tree looked delightful and was good for eating... so she took from the tree and ate it." (Genesis 3:6) But pleasure wasn't created to be an end in itself. Pleasure is to be enjoyed when combined with the Divine will. When combined with the Divine will, pleasure leads to holiness; when separated from God, it brings death.

With this principle, we now understand why wine is included in so many religious ceremonies. When a Jew makes Kiddush over wine, he takes something that causes base pleasure, and elevates it. When wine is used in all its holiness, the potential for abuse achieves a metaphysical correction.

 

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26 Cheshvan

Why Not Milk & Meat?

I love cheeseburgers, but I always feel guilty that it’s not a “good Jewish food.” What is behind this whole idea of not mixing milk and meat?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah commands us: "Do not cook a kid in its mother's milk" (Exodus 23:6). The Torah forbids eating meat and milk in combination, and even forbids the act of cooking them together (as well as deriving benefit from such a mixture). As a safeguard, the Sages disallow the eating of meat and dairy products at the same meal, or preparing them with the same utensils. Therefore, a kosher kitchen must have two separate sets of pots, pans, plates and silverware – one for meat/poultry and the other for dairy foods.

Even more, one must wait up to six hours after eating meat products before eating dairy products. However, meat may be eaten following dairy products (with the exception of hard cheese, which also requires a six-hour interval). Prior to eating meat after dairy, one must eat a solid food and the mouth must be rinsed.

One possible explanation for this separation is that meat represents the finite, physical body, which ultimately ends up in death. Milk, on the other hand, is the quintessential life-giving force, the substance through which a mother can sustain her infant. Milk, therefore, can be compared to spirituality, which sustains our connection with the ultimate, eternal life.

Judaism wants us to be aware on every level of the difference between that which leads to life and that which leads to death. Even though we must nourish our physical bodies – indeed, God allows us to eat meat alone in order that our bodies be healthy – we must not mix in milk. We must never make our physical bodies the goal of living. We must never blur the difference between the physical, mortal world, and the world which is our ultimate goal, the world of spirituality, of eternal life. That is why meat and milk must remain separate.

Maimonides (12th century Spain) offers a rational view that ancient idolaters had the practice of mixing meat and milk together for ritual purposes. In order not to appear as if we are involved in pagan worship, the Torah forbids bringing these two items together.

There is yet a third approach. Why does the Torah use such strong imagery in the verse, "Do not cook a kid in its MOTHER'S milk"? The Rashbam (12th century France) explained that although there is nothing wrong with slaughtering animals in order to eat them, the Torah wants us to realize that there are certain acts, such as boiling a lamb in its mother's milk, which engender cruelty.

 

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27 Cheshvan

What are Tzitzit?

I recently visited Israel and saw the men praying with prayer shawls. What was that exactly?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah says: "Speak to the children of Israel and tell them to make tzitzit fringes on the corners of their garments, throughout their generations." (Numbers 15:37-41)

Tzitzit must be attached to any four-cornered garment. However, people today generally don't wear a four-cornered garment (except for maybe the occasional poncho). So in order to fulfill the mitzvah we have a special four-cornered garment called a tallit. There are two basic types: A Tallit Godol is a large garment that looks like a cloak, and is worn when men pray in the morning. The Tallit Katan is much smaller, usually worn all day long underneath one's shirt.

The tzitzit themselves consist of four strings (doubled over into eight), and then tied in a special way to all four corners of the garment.

From the moment one dons the tzitzit, until the end of the day when he takes them off, he is involved in a mitzvah! In this way, the tzitzit provide an anchor to the world of spirituality while going about our daily chores. Whether in the work place or in an amusement park, one can always look at his Tzitzit and get in touch with G-d, Torah, and his mission as a Jew.

Just how do the Tzitzit remind us of this? The numerical value of "tzitzit" is 600. Add to that the 5 knots and 8 strings on each corner, and you get the number 613, which is the total number of mitzvot in the Torah. (Rashi - Numbers 15:39)

To learn more, read "Tzitzith" by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan.

 

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28 Cheshva

Tattoo Prohibition

My husband wants to get a tattoo, but I said that if he does, he could not be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Is that true? He wants me to show him proof, and if this is true, he promises not to get one.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah states explicitly: "You should not put a tattoo on your body" (Leviticus 19:27). This is accepted Jewish practice, as recorded in the Code of Jewish Law (Yoreh Deah 180:1).

If someone already has a tattoo, he does not have to have it removed, though many people will have them removed because they feel uncomfortable about it.

Whether or not someone with a tattoo can be buried in a Jewish graveyard is not even a question in your case. Since Jewish law prohibits tattooing in the first place, surely your husband should not get one.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (19th century, Germany) explains the reason for this prohibition. God made man in the image of God Himself (Genesis 1:26). Of course, this doesn't mean that God looks like us, but it does mean that our body is a finite expression of God's infinite wisdom. One Midrash even says that Abraham figured out all the mitzvahs by looking at different parts of his body! And as Job said, "In my flesh, I see God" (Job 19:26).

Imagine that you own a house with a huge glass window overlooking the beautiful mountainside. Imagine how clearly you see the trees, the snow, even the deer running down the mountain. Now imagine a toddler full of dirt and chocolate smears his hands all over your window. When you look out the window, what do you see? Nothing but a glaze of dirt, chocolate, and a fuzzy mountain in the background.

The body is a window to the soul, which is a spark of the Infinite. Tell your husband: Don't muddy up the window with handprints.

 

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29 Cheshvan

Rabbinic Mitzvahs

On Chanukah and Purim, we say the blessing, Asher Kidishanu - "Which God has commanded us..." Yet aren't those words inappropriate, given that nowhere in the 613 mitzvot of the Torah are these holidays mentioned.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Good question!

There are two types of mitzvahs: Torah-level and Rabbinic-level.

Torah-level refer to the 613 mitzvahs delineated in the Five Books of Moses.

Rabbinic mitzvahs are legislated by the Sages. The reason we say the same blessing ("which God has commanded us") is because the Torah itself gave the power of legislation to the Sages, as it is written, "You shall not stray from the word that [the Sages] tell you, whether to the right or to the left" (Deut. 17:11). Therefore, since the Torah gave the power to the Sages to legislate mitzvahs, it was as if the Torah itself sanctions these mitzvahs.

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto wrote: "God's authority decreed that these Rabbinic mitzvahs be kept just like the Torah mitzvahs... One who violates these transgresses God's word as much as one who violates the explicit commandments."

There are seven Rabbinic mitzvahs that have this blessing. They are:

1) washing of the hands before bread

2) lighting of Sabbath Candles

3) lighting of the Festival candles

4) making an Eruv (carrying area for Shabbat)

5) reciting Hallel (Psalms of praise)

6) lighting the Chanukah menorah

7) reading the Megillah on Purim

 

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1 Kislev

Waging War Against Canaan

In 2009, when Israel went into Gaza and killed a lot of people, I was discussing religion with one of my friends, and he said that in the Torah, God told us to go out and murder people that we don't like. The verse he quoted was in Deuteronomy about the Jews driving out the Canaanite nations from the Land of Israel.

Does the Torah really say that, and if so, why does everything need to be so violent?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Canaanite nations were hardcore idol worshippers and as such, were an unacceptable influence on the holy Jewish nation building its home in the Land of Israel. Today, it is hard for us to imagine what could be so evil about a society, since we imagine idolaters as normal families who just happen to worship the sun or a statue. In reality, idol worship was much worse.

Rabbi Akiva (2nd century CE, Israel) reported that he saw a son bind up his father and feed him to ravaging dogs in service of one his idols. Part of their cult worship was to sacrifice children to the gods (Deut. 12:31), and modern archaeologists have found mounds of children's bones by their altars. These nations were also involved in various sexual immoralities like incest, bestiality and temple orgies (Leviticus 18:27).

Today, most Westerners grow up in quiet neighborhoods, and never experience war, persecution and racism. So they don't easily relate to the concept that if you don't destroy evil, it will destroy you. Questioning someone's sense of justice and morality is really not fair if you haven't dealt with the harsh reality of their experience.

Judaism taught the world the utopian ideal of world peace, yet sometimes war is necessary. We taught the value of life, yet we're not pacifists. Wiping out evil is part of justice. If you choose to leave evil alone, it will eventually attack you (Rashi, Deut. 20:12).

It is ironic that the Jewish people and Israel, who introduced to the world the concept of the sanctity of life, are now criticized as being "cruel" by today's Western civilizations which are built on that Jewish moral foundation! People today can only criticize the State of Israel because those very Jews taught the world that murder, conquest and abuse are wrong.

People mistakenly think that the Torah directive was to wipe out the Canaanites cruelly and indiscriminately. In truth, the Torah prefers that the Canaanites would avoid punishment; they were given many chances to accept peace terms. Even though abominable inhuman practice had been indoctrinated into the Canaanite psyche, the hope was that they'd change and adopt the basic pillars of human civilization which distinguish a community of humans from a jungle of wild animals.

Even as the Jews drew close to battle, they were commanded to act with mercy, as the Torah states, "When approaching a town to attack it, first offer them peace." (Deut. 20:10)

Before entering the Land of Israel, Joshua wrote three letters to the Canaanite nations. The first letter said, "Anyone who wants to leave Israel, has permission to leave." If they refused, a second letter said, "Whoever wants to make peace, can make peace." If they again refused, a final letter warned, "Whoever wants to fight, get ready to fight." Upon receiving these letters, only one of the Canaanite nations, the Girgashites, heeded the call and settled peacefully.

In the event that the Canaanite nations chose not to make a treaty, the Jewish people were still commanded to fight mercifully. For example, when besieging a city to conquer it, the Jews never surrounded it on all four sides. This way, one side was always left open to allow for anyone who wanted to escape. (see Maimonides – Laws of Kings 6:4-5, with Kesef Mishna)

It is interesting that throughout Jewish history, waging war has always been a tremendous personal and national ordeal which ran contrary to the Jews' peace-loving nature. At various stages throughout the 40-year trek in the desert, Moses was forced to reprimand the Jews for having the fear of war. He inspired them with various pep talks, and assurances of victory. Years later, King Saul lost his kingdom by showing misplaced mercy and allowing the Amalekite king to live. (see Exodus 14:3 with Ibn Ezra; Numbers 21:34 with Nachmanides; Deut. 31:6; 1-Samuel ch. 15)

In modern times, Israel has often shown tremendous restraint in dealing with its enemies, and regret at any loss of life. Israel absorbed 10,000 missiles before attacking Gaza. When Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was asked if she could forgive Egypt for killing Israeli soldiers, she replied, "It is more difficult for me to forgive Egypt for making us kill their soldiers."

So let's put things into perspective before criticizing.

 

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2 Kislev 

Second Class Converts?

I am 28 years old, born in Italy to a Catholic family with Jewish origins on my father's side. I decided to become Jewish, and after a long process, I converted in Israel three years ago. To this day, those who know me call me the "Ger Tzedek" (righteous convert).

This is my problem! I hate this word "Ger!" I am Jewish just like any other Jew. I believe in every letter of my beloved Torah but I cannot understand how the Torah permits me to suffer so much. I even read that there are restrictions in appointing converts to certain leadership positions – just like in America where only someone born in the USA can become president. What does this mean? Is this proof that other Jews consider me a second class citizen?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

First of all, the Torah does not view you in any way whatsoever as a second class Jew. You are as much a Jew as Abraham, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah – who were all converts!

As for leadership positions, the fact is that I am also restricted, because – although I was born Jewish – I am not a priest (kohen), and am not descended from the royal line of King David.

Maimonides (Laws of Torah Study 3:1) explains:

Three crowns were conferred upon the Jewish People: the Crown of Torah, the Crown of Priesthood, and the Crown of Royalty. Aaron merited the Crown of Priesthood, as it says (Numbers 25:13), "And it will be an eternal covenant of priesthood for [Aaron] and his descendants after him." David merited the Crown of Royalty, as it says (Psalms 89:37), "His seed will continue forever, and his throne will be as the sun before Me." But the Crown of Torah is set aside, waiting and ready for each Jew, as it says (Deut. 33:4), "Moses taught us the Torah, it is an inheritance for the entire congregation of Jacob."

As proof of this principle, the great rabbis Shemaya and Avtalyon were converts. The greatest Talmudic sage, Rebbe Akiva, was descended from converts. And Onkelos, who wrote the Aramaic translation which is printed in virtually every Hebrew Bible, was himself a convert.

As for people calling you "Ger Tzedek," the Talmud clearly states (under the mitzvah of "onat devarim" – hurting others with words) that it is forbidden to remind a convert of his past. If somebody does so, you can gently point them to the sources, as recorded in the Sefer HaChinuch (mitzvah 63).

May your Jewish life be forever rich and sweet.

READERS' COMMENT

From: RobbyCicco@cs.com

Regarding the convert who complained about being called "Ger Tzedek" (righteous convert).

I too am a "Jew by Choice" and my greatest dream is to be regarded as a "Ger Tzedek." Rather than bemoan one's fate, one should consider what an inspiration being a Ger can be to others who maybe take their heritage for granted. I now teach Hebrew school in addition to my regular job and I always tell my students that I "chose" to be a Jew. I hope a lifetime of learning and deeds will someday truly qualify me for the title of "Ger Tzedek!"

 

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3 Kislev

Sneeze - "Bless You!"

Sneezing seems to carry with it many superstitions. In Ancient Greece, sneezes were believed to be prophetic signs from the gods. In Chinese culture, a sneeze is perceived as a sign that someone was talking about the sneezer at that very moment. What does Judaism have to say?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Genesis 48:1 says that Jacob became ill. Why does the Torah need to teach this? Because until that time, no person had ever experienced illness as a sign of pending death. Rather someone would be walking along one day, they'd sneeze, and die instantly. Jacob, however, prayed to God for a period of infirmity prior to death, as a warning sign that it is time to make final preparations.

Why did the "sneeze" cause death? Because in creating humanity, "God blew into Adam's nostrils the soul of life" (Genesis 2:7). Therefore when a person sneezed, the soul would exit from the same place it had originally entered - hence death. (see Radal)

We find an application of this in the Bible, where the prophet Elisha was able to revive a child who had died. "The boy sneezed seven times, and the boy opened his eyes." (2-Kings 4:32-35)

Interestingly, in even more recent times - before the advent of antibiotics - a sneeze was a sign of grave danger. Sneezing was a sign that the person had a cold. If the cold should turn into pneumonia (which it often did), then for all intents and purposes the person had just a few more days to live.

Today, when a person sneezes, we have the custom of saying, "God bless you" (or something similar; in Hebrew we say "labriut" - to your health) since sneezing was once a sign of mortal danger.

By the way, the Code of Jewish Law (OC 103:3) says that sneezing during the middle of the Amidah prayer is a good omen. To learn more, see Pirkei d'Rebbe Eliezer 52; Talmud - Baba Metzia 87a, Sanhedrin 107b, Brachot 53a.

And God bless you!

 

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4 Kislev

Ashkenazi-Sefardi Pronunciation

I've noticed that Ashkenazi synagogues pronounce some words differently than Sefardi synagogues. What is the halachic status of these two variants? Do Ashkenazim who speak "Israeli" on a daily basis act consistently if they use a different pronunciation only for prayers?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Today there are two forms of Hebrew pronunciation. One is "Israeli/Sefardi" pronunciation which is characterized by all tavs said as "t" and the kamatz vowel pronounced as "a." The second is "Ashkenazi," typified by the "s" sound of the unpointed tav and the kamatz pronounced as "o." A typical example is whether to say Shabbat or Shabbos.

Every Jew has a tradition/custom of how to act. This includes many aspects of Judaism including dress, text of prayers, and pronunciation. Each Jew has to follow his/her traditions and customs. Indeed, the Talmud says that the Jewish people were redeemed from Egypt because they didn't change clothes, names and language!

In the last century, when spoken Hebrew became revived in Israel as a modern language, Sefardi pronunciation became adopted as the prevailing style for business, conversation, etc. Let's clarify: Your question is not an issue of modern spoken Hebrew. That is defined solely by Israeli street, which uses "Hebraicized" words such as "telephone" and "food processor."

The halachic issue is that some Ashkenazi Jews switched over to this pronunciation for prayers as well. This is very difficult to support. Many authorities maintain that an Ashkenazi who pronounces the name of God (Aleph, Daled, Nun and Yud) in the "Israeli" way has not fulfilled his obligation. This applies when saying blessings, praying, or a public Torah reading. For example, when saying the Shema twice daily, the halacha demands one to pronounce every letter of the Shema perfectly. Switching to Sefardi pronunciation would be problematic in this regard. (Mishnah Berurah 68:4; Shu"t Minchat Yitzhak 3:9)

If you are Ashkenazi and grew up learning only the Sefardi pronunciation, I realize that it is difficult to adjust to the Ashkenazi way when saying prayers. Many have done so successfully, and as an aid you may want to mark a red dot in your Siddur in the places where you need to remember to pronounce correctly.

Let me add that when praying in a synagogue that is different from your own customs, you should follow what the custom of the synagogue in anything that is said aloud. That means you should recite Kedusha, Kaddish and even an aliyah to Torah the same as they do. Regarding the silent Shemoneh Esrei, however, which is not "public," you should pray your own text and pronunciation.

 

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5 Kislev

Writing the Name "God"

When I was a young kid going to Hebrew school, I was taught that we never write the full name of God; that it should always be written with a dash in place of the "O". What's the reason for that? And why do I see it spelled out on Aish.com?

Also, I often see Jewish printed material that says: "This contains the Name of God - please dispose of reverently." I would be grateful if you could give me advice on how this is done.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

There are two separate issues here. One is the legal issue of erasing God's Name; the other is the emotional issue of treating the Name with proper respect.

First the legal side: Any Hebrew name of God is forbidden to erase. From the Torah's exhortation to destroy idolatry, we learn the injunction not to destroy the name of God. (see Deuteronomy 12:3-4; Talmud - Sanhedrin 56a)

The question is whether this applies only to Hebrew names of God, or to the English word "God" as well. The common rabbinic opinion is that "God" written in any language other than Hebrew, has no holiness and can be erased. (Shach Y.D. 179:11; Mishnah Berurah 85:10)

This explains why we are able to bring a U.S. dollar bill into the bathroom, even though it contains the words, “In God We Trust.”

There is still the other issue of giving the Name proper respect. This means not taking genuine Torah material into the bathroom, and not throwing it out with the rest of the garbage. Instead, you should bring the printed material to the synagogue and place it in a box called "Geniza" (a.k.a. "Sheimos"). This box is used to discard unusable holy objects - including Torah scrolls that have become old and invalid, old tefillin and tzitzit, and papers that contain words of Torah.

When the box is full, it is taken to be buried.

If this is not possible, as long as you do not treat a printout with disdain (such as throwing it directly into a garbage can), you may just put it into a separate bag, and then dispose of it. It may even be given for recycling. (Igrot Moshe O.C. 4:39)

Even in Hebrew, partial or altered verses, when not written in Torah script (Ktav Ashurit) and when printed on paper (not written by a scribe on parchment), are all mitigating factors for not considering the writing holy. (source: Pischei Teshuva Y.D. 276:11; Chavas Yair 109; Minchas Yitzchak 1:17)

Now what about spelling the English name "God"? Even though it does not technically have "holiness," some people go beyond the letter of the law and show extra respect, by spelling God with a dash.

Why doesn't Aish.com spell it with a dash? Because many of our readers have limited Jewish background, and spelling God with a dash might look strange and pose some block to learning the material. So in consultation with leading Torah scholars, we simply follow the halacha stated above, that non-Hebrew names do not technically have holiness.

An interesting extension of this topic is the issue of deleting God's name from a computer screen. It seems that nothing is being written or erased, except for electromagnetic impulses. Actually, any word displayed on a screen is erased and rewritten 50 or 60 times a second. So when you scroll down the screen, you're not doing anything worse than was just done thousand of times in the last few minutes.

And one more corollary: Rabbi Moshe Feinstein writes that although there does not appear to be anything wrong with erasing cassette tapes containing God's name, when possible one should refrain from doing so as a sign of reverence. (Igros Moshe - Y.D. 1:173)

 

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6 Kislev 

Witchcraft & Magic

What does Judaism say about the existence of black magic? Is this a real power or just an illusion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah accepts that magic and sorcery do exist. Along with nature's normal way of functioning, God also created a way for humans to manipulate it - by the means of magic. Although God does not permit mankind to use sorcery, He had to allow this deviant path to exist in order to give mankind an element of choice. Otherwise we would lack the unique spiritual trait of free will.

However, the Torah prohibits the practice of sorcery, fortune-telling, and divination -- via chance, necromancy, cards, or other fortune-telling paraphernalia. (Exodus 22:17; Leviticus 19:26,31; Deuteronomy 18:10-11)

Maimonides writes that it is forbidden to perform acts and claim that they are done through supernatural forces, because this is what the idol-worshippers used to do -- to bring "compelling proof" for their idol worship, via magic and fortune-telling. (Laws of Idolatry 11:16)

According to Rabbi A.Y. Kook ("Da'at Kohen" 69), it is forbidden to perform magic or fortune-telling. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein also discouraged doing magic tricks, but wrote that it would be permitted if the magician informed people of how the trick was performed beforehand.

To learn more, read "Faith and Folly" by Rabbi Yaakov Hillel (Feldheim.com).

 

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7 Kislev

Wisdom

I am approaching college graduation and my friends and I did an exercise: We made a "bucket list" of all the things we want to try and achieve during our lifetime. One friend who I respect a lot, put "acquire wisdom" at the top of her list. Does Judaism have a concept of wisdom, and if so, what is it?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Funny you should ask. Judaism also puts "wisdom" at the top of the list!

What is wisdom? It is tools for living that you can apply to any pursuit - business, relationships, sports, whatever. Wisdom is therefore the most important quality for a successful life, the building block of all else.

To be wise, you can't casually absorb wisdom; you have to actively pursue it. More wisdom equals more life, more pleasure, and more meaning. It is the ultimate value.

Most people would rather learn from their own mistakes than learn from others. We imagine we'll just "figure it all out" as we go along.

But life is too short for this. Why make mistakes that we could otherwise prevent? As the saying goes: "A fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise person learns from the mistakes of others."

So what is the key to obtaining as much wisdom in life as possible? The Sages say: "Who is the wise person? He who learns from all people."

The Talmud (Avot 5:24) says that age 60 marks the arrival of maturity. Now that can't mean physical maturity, so it is explained that it refers to wisdom. The word Zaken (literally "old") is an acronym for Ze Kana Chachma = He has acquired wisdom.

The key to a successful life is to choose a goal, and then attain it. Of course, it's important to choose the right goal, to know what pleasure you're really going after. Otherwise you could end up a millionaire - and miserable. To learn more about Jewish wisdom, see the classic series: "48 Ways.”

 

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8 Kislev

Why Things Happen

I've been thinking about the whole idea of "why we are here," and it seems to me that the Darwinian attitude of "everything is by random chance" does not lend itself to a meaningful life. How does Judaism view the reason why things happen?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Unfortunately, the way a lot of Jews relate to punishment has been heavily influenced by Christianity, which views God as acting with "fire and brimstone." No offense, but the Jewish idea is much different. God is our merciful Father. He's an infinite being that has no needs. Punishment cannot mean that He's "getting something." And this is the key to understanding the concept of chastisement.

When you think about it, all relationships are based on reward and punishment. When I bring my wife flowers, she smiles. If it's her birthday and I don't bring her flowers, I get punished - either by a burnt dinner, cold shoulder, etc. Relationships that are based on love always play themselves out in terms of reward and punishment. When I do what's right, I receive positive reinforcement; when I do what's wrong I get a "punishment."

What happens if my wife would always react the same regardless of whether or not I bring her flowers? That's the worst possible thing in a relationship - indifference.

Judaism says that punishment exists because God is reacting to the fact that I've done something wrong, and He wants me to change. Hopefully I'll hear the message and learn from that. God is not out for revenge. He's doing this for my own good.

If God wouldn't react to my negative behavior that would be the worst punishment of all - because that would mean indifference. This is why King David says in Psalms (23:4): "Your rod and your staff comfort me." Even though I may get "hit" once in a while, I know it is ultimately for my own good.

I would like to share a personal example.

I attended a prominent university, and one of my prized possessions was a coffee mug that bore the school's insignia. Years later, while working at an office, I would proudly carry my mug each day to get coffee. Then one day, a huge gust of wind blew through the window near my desk, knocking my mug to the floor and shattering it into a hundred pieces. My first thought was: "I'll call my old roommate and ask him to send me a new mug."

But then I forced myself to ask a deeper question: Why did this happen? Did this contain a message for my spiritual growth?

Through introspection, I realized that every day, while carrying my mug through the office, I would hold it proudly aloft, smugly aware that I was just a little better than everyone else -- because this school was my alma mater and not theirs. Now I knew why the cup broke. I needed to rid myself of this foolish arrogance. And it took shattering shards to wake me up.

Sometimes the connection is not so obvious, and we have to work hard to discover it. We may not even always be successful in making the connection. But whatever the outcome, one thing is for sure: We cannot lose. The process of introspection is bound to reveal tremendous insight and growth.

Which reminds me of a story:

A man was running to catch a bus, but he arrived a moment too late, only to see the bus pulling away. Despondent, he turned to a sagely looking man and asked him, "Why did this happen to me?!"

"I don't know," replied the man, "but you've got another 15 minutes to think about it."

 

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9 Kislev 

Spiritual Slump

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

 

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10 Kislev 

Buying German Products

I’ve heard the argument made that Jews should not buy German products, for example Volkswagen cars which used Jewish slave labor during the war. It is wrong for Jews to support German industries?

My cousin says we should just forgive and forget. I would like your thoughts on the subject.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The great rabbi known as the Chazon Ish once said that if a Torah scroll was found burning, and a man used it to light his cigarette, there is no Jewish law that forbids it. Nevertheless, doing so would show a lack of sensitivity. So too, Jewish law does not forbid purchasing a German car.

Regarding the "demand for forgiveness," people often quote the Bible that when one is struck, it is proper to "turn the other cheek" and allow that cheek to be struck as well. But that only appears in the Christian Bible. Jews believe in fighting actively against evil.

Almost all people are inherently good and so we should forgive their lapses. But some people are truly evil – for example, Amalek, the ancient nation which wantonly attacked the Jews leaving Egypt.

Over two millennia ago when Haman (a descendant of Amalek) was commanded by the king to lead his enemy Mordechai through the streets of Shushan, Mordechai was too weak to climb on to the horse. Haman had to stoop to allow Mordechai to use his back as a stepping stool. In the process, Mordechai delivered a vicious kick to Haman which obviously startled him.

Turning to Mordechai in bewilderment, Haman asked: "Does it not say in your Bible, 'Do not rejoice at your enemy's downfall?'" Mordechai responded that indeed it does, but it refers only to people less evil than Haman. So too, we have no reason or allowance to forgive the Nazis and their helpers. Those who scraped the concrete in the gas chambers gasping for air can choose whether to forgive the Germans. We cannot.

 

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11 Kislev 

How God Created

I understand that God does not have a physical being, but only a spiritual being. What I don't understand is how any entity without any physical being can be responsible for the creation of the planet Earth, or any other physical entity for that matter. I'd appreciate your response.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You've asked such a great question you've just thrown yourself into one of the deepest mysteries of the metaphysical world.

Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan deals with this issue in his book, "The Infinite Light." Here is a segment to get you on your way:

The very word "create" implies creating something out of nothing. Otherwise, we use the word "make" or "form." When we say that God created the universe, we mean that He created it absolutely ex nihilo - out of nothing. This is alluded to in the verse, "He hangs the world upon nothingness." (Job 26:7)

The Midrash tells us that a philosopher once remarked to Rabban Gamliel, "Your God is a wonderful artist, but He had fine materials to work with. When He made the world, He fashioned it out of waste and desolation, darkness, wind, water and depths." Rabban Gamliel replied, "Your words are mere wind! All of these things were also created by God."

The act of creation involved absolutely no effort on the part of God. When the Torah says that he "rested" on the seventh day, it does not mean that He rested because He was weary or tired after six days of hard work. Rather, it means that God stopped creating after six days, since the world was completed with the creation of man. The act of creation, however, involved absolutely no effort on the part of God, as the prophet Isaiah taught, "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord, the everlasting God, Creator of the wide world, grows neither weary nor faint." (Isaiah 40:28)

This is because God is absolutely infinite. To an infinite Being, the entire universe is like nothing, and therefore, its creation involves no effort. The Bible thus says, "Everything on earth is like nothing to Him, He does as He wills with the host of the heaven and the inhabitants of the earth." (Daniel 4:32) Every possible thing, even the creation of a universe, is infinitely easy for an infinite God.

To learn more read, "The Infinite Light," by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan, or "The Aryeh Kaplan Anthology," both published by the National Conference of Synagogue Youth.

 

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12 Kislev 

When Is Messiah Coming?

What does Judaism say regarding the sequence of events that will lead up to the Messiah's coming? And how will we know when the Messiah has actually arrived?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

This is indeed a timely question because I think we are seeing a good number of the signs today. Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan writes in the "Handbook of Jewish Thought":

There is a tradition that people will begin to despise the values of their religion in the generations preceding the coming of the Messiah. Since in a period of such accelerated change, parents and children will grow up in literally different worlds, and traditions handed down from father to son will be among the major causalities.

Our sages thus teach us that neither parents nor the aged will be respected, the old will have to seek favors from the young, and a man's household will be become his enemies. Insolence will increase, people will no longer have respect, and none will offer correction. Religious studies will be despised and used by non-believers to strengthen their own claims; the government will become godless, academies places of immorality, and the pious denigrated...

The Jewish people will begin to return to the Land of Israel as a prelude to the messiah. The ingathering will begin with a measure of political independence, and according to some, with the permission of the other nations. First a small percentage of the exile will return to the Holy Land, and then Jerusalem will come under Jewish control and be rebuilt. (source: Talmud – Sanhedrin 97a and Sotah 49b)

Another major sign of the Messiah’s imminent arrival is that the Land of Israel gives forth its fruits in abundance.

As for recognizing when the Messiah has arrived, we know that he will:

1. Build the Third Temple (Ezekiel 37:26-28)

2. Gather all Jews back to the Land of Israel (Isaiah 43:5-6)

3. Usher in an era of world peace, and end all hatred, oppression, suffering and disease. As it says: "Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall man learn war anymore." (Isaiah 2:4)

4. Spread universal knowledge of the God of Israel, which will unite humanity as one. As it says: "God will be King over all the world – on that day, God will be One and His Name will be One" (Zechariah 14:9).

If he does not accomplish these, he is not the Messiah. And if he dies, that is a sign he is not the Messiah.

 

ps:Sad that they can't except Jesus as the Messiah! They will be waiting a long time

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13 Kislev 

Ten Lost Tribes

Do you have any idea where the Ten Lost Tribes of the northern kingdom of Israel are today? Is anyone trying to find the descendents of these people?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

First some background: The Jewish commonwealth split into two kingdoms in 796 BCE, following the death of King Solomon. The two kingdoms were defined along tribal lines, with the tribes of Judah and Benjamin forming the Kingdom of Judah, and the other 10 tribes forming the Kingdom of Israel.

In 555 BCE, the Kingdom of Israel was exiled to Assyria and disappeared. Jewish tradition holds that all Jews today are descended from the Kingdom of Judah.

So what happened to those 10 tribes?

They evidently settled somewhere in the east, probably in the areas of Kurdistan, Afghanistan, Syria and Iran. It is very likely that most of them assimilated into the nations to which they were exiled. Accordingly, they are permanently lost and will not even rejoin the Jewish people in the time of the Messiah. (Talmud – Sanhedrin 110b with Rashi)

On the other hand, there are indications from the prophets Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel, that the Ten Tribes may have maintained their Jewish identity and will eventually be reunited with Judah and Benjamin.

A third opinion is that many of them fled into the tribe of Judah, which was not taken into exile. Over time, it was forgotten which tribe they came from.

As for searching for them, some believe that Ethiopian Jews are from the Tribe of Dan, and that certain Judaic tribes in India may be descended from Menashe.

 

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14 Kislev 

Prayer of an Atheist

Prayer of an Atheist

I enjoy being Jewish, but I have trouble connecting with God. I just don't see Him in my life, and I am suspecting that He does not exist. I don't really have a question for the rabbi, just wanted to share my thoughts.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

A basic tenet of Judaism is that since it is impossible to prove that God does "not" exist, therefore atheism is built on blind faith.

I would like to share with you a true story about an atheist:

Many people who visit Jerusalem are tourists who come to get a sense of Jewish culture and history. One day, a young tourist named Jeff was brought in to meet Rabbi Noah Weinberg at Aish HaTorah.

"What are you doing?" Rabbi Weinberg asked him.

"I'm working for my MBA at Harvard University. And I'm an atheist."

"Fantastic! A real atheist! Whoever was able to convince an atheist like you to speak to a rabbi like me deserves a medal."

"Nah," Jeff says, "he doesn't deserve anything. I'll tell you how I came..."

Jeff had been in Norway, visiting his Norwegian fiancée. And he decided it was now or never: either he is going to come to Israel or he'll never make it.

So he headed for Jerusalem and the Western Wall. He figured he would stop by the Wall to see some old stones. Yet upon his arrival he was amazed. He felt something heavy. He was moved.

Jeff stood before the Wall, and made up an atheist's prayer. He looked at the stones and said:

"God, I don't believe in You. As far as I know, You don't exist. But I do feel something. So if I'm making a mistake, I want You to know, God, I have no quarrel against You. It's just that I don't know that You exist. But God, just in case You're really there and I'm making a mistake, get me an introduction."

Jeff finished his prayer, and one of the yeshiva students who happened to be at the Wall, saw Jeff and thought, "Perhaps he'd be interested in learning some Torah."

He tapped Jeff on the shoulder, startling him so much that he jumped three feet in the air. Jeff whirled around and shouted,

"What in the blankety-blank-dash-bang do you want?!"

"I'm sorry. I just want to know if you'd like to learn about God."

That question hit Jeff like a 2-by-4 right between the eyes. He had just finished asking God for an introduction, and immediately someone was offering to introduce him to God.

Jeff learned at Aish HaTorah for the next six weeks. He was a very serious student, and went back to the States with a commitment to continue learning. A year later, Jeff came back to Israel and told Rabbi Weinberg the end of his story.

During that previous summer he had been meandering through the cobblestone alleyways of the Old City when he saw a pretty, sweet, religious girl walk by. He said to himself, "Look at the charm of this Jewish woman. May the Almighty help me meet someone like this."

One Shabbos morning during the next year, Jeff entered a synagogue in Boston for prayer services. Standing there was the same young woman he had seen in the Old City. He made his way over to her and said:

"Excuse me, but I believe I saw you last summer in Jerusalem."

She answered, "You're right. I saw you, too."

They are now married and living in New Jersey.

Remember Jeff's prayer. Because when you are sincere with God, your prayers are answered.

To learn more about the Jewish concept of prayer, go to: www.aish.com/sp/pr/

 

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16 Kislev 

The Number 40

In my Torah studies I keep running across the number 40 - for example, Moses on Mount Sinai for 40 days. Is there an underlying message of the number 40?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The number 40 has great significance throughout the Torah and the Talmud. The number 40 represents transition or change; the concept of renewal; a new beginning. The number 40 has the power to lift a spiritual state. Consider:

When a person becomes ritually impure, he must immerse in a ritual bath, a mikveh. The Talmud tells us that a mikveh must be filled with 40 se'ahs (a measure of water). Immersion in a mikveh is the consummate Jewish symbol of spiritual renewal.

It is no accident that in the story of Noah, the rain poured for 40 days, and submerged the world in water. Just as a person leaves a mikveh pure, so too when the waters of the flood subsided, the world was purified from the licentiousness which had corrupted it in the days of Noah.

Moses was on Mt. Sinai for 40 days and came down with the stone tablets. The Jews arrived at Mt. Sinai as a nation of Egyptian slaves, but after 40 days they were transformed into God's nation.

According to the Talmud, it takes 40 days for an embryo to be formed in its mother's womb.

In Kabbalah, 40 represents the four sides of the world, each side containing the ten Sefirot (esoteric powers).

When a rabbinical court finds someone guilty of a crime, the punishment is sometimes lashes, prescribed in the Torah as "forty less one." The purpose is to bring the offender to a point of change, transition and atonement.

There are 40 days between the first day of Elul, when we begin to blow the Shofar to prepare for Rosh Hashana, until Yom Kippur, the end of the annual teshuva (repentance) period. These 40 days are the most auspicious time for personal growth and renewal.

According to the Talmud (Avot 5:26), at age 40 a person transitions from one level of wisdom to the next. After Moses led the Jewish people for 40 years in the wilderness, he told them: "God has not given you a heart to know, and eyes to see, and ears to hear, until this day" (Deut. 29:3-4). From here we see that it took the Jewish people 40 years before reaching a full level of understanding.

 

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15 Kislev

Overcoming Depression

I have a good job at a bank. I have good friends, a loving family, and enough money. But I'm depressed! I lost substantial client funds in the currency markets over the last six months. I was always good at this business and since this has occurred, I feel so rotten and sad all the time. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I understand why you feel this way, despite the fact that these people knew there was a chance they could lose money.

The fact that you feel bad is an indication of your fine character.

One of the ways to emotionally cope with distressing events is to learn a positive message from it.

Perhaps one of the positive things that can be learned from this is how everything really is in the hands of God. Who in truth can guarantee that anyone will make money, being that God runs the world?

The word "Baruch," which means "bless" in Hebrew, is similar to the word "Berech" which means knee. Based on this, our Sages teach that to bring blessing to the world, we must be able to acknowledge that all is God's, and "bend our knees" to Him. Indeed, this is the purpose of prayer, to reinforce the awareness that we are dependent on God and humble ourselves before Him.

So I think you need to work at accepting that this mistake/setback happened, and focus on asking how you can channel this into positive energy to grow and mature.

Beyond this, there could be a number of reasons why you are unhappy. It may be something as simple as diet or something more complicated, such as a chemical imbalance that must be treated with medication.

In general, depression is a function of lack of meaningful activity. If we feel like we have a purpose in life, and are making a contribution, then our self-esteem rises (and we also have less time to be bored). Have you tried a community service project, perhaps helping the less fortunate? This can be a good channel for your energies, and will give you a real sense of value and contribution.

Another common cause of depression is unrealized goals. It could be there is something that you really want to achieve, but have been avoiding for one reason or another. Ask yourself:

What are my goals? Am I achieving them? If not, why not? Are the goals realistic? Are my methods for achieving them realistic?

Try that for starters.

You also need to think about "happiness" in general. Try to manufacture for yourself some "happy pills." By this I mean thinking of two or three things that can instantly make you happy, no matter what the circumstances. It may be the fact that you are Jewish, or that you have a best friend, or that you have eyes to see with. Keep these handy in the back of your mind, to draw upon whenever you're feeling down. The lift that you'll get from thinking about these should be able to pull you out of the doldrums and energize you to move on.

Final advice: Pray that God will help you overcome the problems you are experiencing. He is there and wants to help!

 

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17 Kislev 

Nipples - Men

This one has puzzled me for a long time, and I thought maybe you would have an answer:

Why do men have nipples?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Nipples represent the ability to nurture. Women can obviously experience this from both a physical and spiritual perspective. As modern research has shown, mother's milk provides the best possible nutrition for a baby. But the same applies to the spiritual nourishment an infant absorbs from its mother. For example, a tender, caring mother will impart those deep feelings to the child. Thus, the physical act of breast-feeding passes crucial spiritual influences to an infant. (see Talmud - Avodah Zarah 10b)

Since a man does not breast-feed, his ability to nourish is limited to a purely spiritual level. The physical existence of nipples, however, remind him that although he lacks the means to nurture a child physically, he must still take a primary role in the child's spiritual nourishment. This is alluded to in the verse, "From my flesh, I will see God." (Job 19:26)

Throughout Torah literature, we see the breast frequently used as a symbol of spiritual nourishment. In his deeply symbolic work, "Song of Songs," King Solomon writes: "I am a wall and my breasts are like towers" (verse 8:10). The reference here is to Torah scholars: Just as the breast provides physical sustenance, so too Torah scholars provide spiritual sustenance to the world. (Talmud - Pesachim 87a, Rashi)

Furthermore, breasts symbolize the idea that each person must draw sustenance on his own level and must not seek a lifestyle that is inappropriate to his current abilities. For this reason, breasts are termed "Shadayim," which contains the word "Dai - enough!" The message is that there is no need to look beyond one's own source of bounty to fulfill one's needs; there is ample spirituality available for everyone. (see Rabbi Chaim Kramer - "Anatomy of the Soul")

On a more medical note, while only females have mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in utero. The embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in. By that time, the nipples have already formed.

By the way, there's one more reason for men's nipples. The Midrash (Genesis Rabba 30) describes the case of a man whose wife died shortly after giving birth. God then made a miracle and granted him the ability to breastfeed the baby. A miracle!

 

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18 Kislev 

Why Keep Kosher?

I grew up in a kosher home, and now that I’m out on my own, I am examining these issues for myself. So my question is: In today's modern world, why should I keep kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

It is good that you are grappling with this and trying to acquire your Judaism as your own.

The ultimate answer to your question is "because God said so." Beyond this, however, there are practical, observable benefits to keeping kosher today:

1) Spirituality: The Torah teaches that non-kosher food has a negative effect on a Jewish soul. The soul is like an antenna that picks up waves of spiritual energy. Eating non-kosher food damages the capacity of the soul to "connect spiritually."

2) Self Growth: If you can be disciplined in what and when you eat, it follows that you can be disciplined in other areas of life as well. Kashrut requires that one must wait between milk and meat, and we may not eat certain animals or combinations of foods. (Even when you're hungry!) All of this instills self-discipline, and enables us to elevate our spiritual side, by making conscious choices over animal urges.

3) Health Reasons: With its extra supervision, kosher food is perceived as being healthier and cleaner. After slaughter, animals are checked for abscesses in their lungs or other health problems. Blood – a medium for the growth of bacteria – is drained. Shellfish, mollusks, lobsters and crabs have spread typhoid and are a source for urticara (a neurotic skin affliction). Milk and meat digest at an unequal rate and are difficult for the body. And of course, pigs can carry trichinosis.

4) Moral Lessons: We are taught not to be cruel – even to animals. A mother and her young are forbidden to be slaughtered on the same day, and we "don't boil a kid (goat) in its mother's milk." We must not remove the limb of an animal while it is still alive (a common practice, prior to refrigeration). When we slaughter an animal, it must be done with the least possible pain. And we are reminded not to be vicious, by the prohibition to eat vicious birds of prey.

5) Tradition: One of the keys to making a Jewish home "Jewish" is the observance of keeping kosher. When we keep kosher in the home, our attachment to Judaism and the sacrifices that we make become ingrained on our children's minds forever. And with food so often the focus of social events, keeping kosher provides a built-in hedge against assimilation. For many, the bridge between past and future is the spiritual aroma of a kosher kitchen.

Ultimately, we cannot fathom the full depth of "Why keep kosher." For as the saying goes, there is more to keeping kosher than meets the palate...

 

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19 Kislev

Which Charities to Give to?

I enjoy giving charity, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the number of "good causes" out there: feeding the poor, educational needs, handicapped children, etc. Is there some yardstick I can use to measure the appropriate value of each charity?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You are very astute. Fulfilling one's charitable obligation does not mean simply "giving the money away." You need to make a thorough study of the best use of that money. When you choose one project over another, you have to know rationally why it is more effective than the other. God is expecting you to spend His money wisely. Consider it as the "Your-Name-Here Save the World Foundation."

The first obligation is redeeming captives. Maimonides writes: "Redeeming captives takes precedence over feeding and clothing the poor. There is no mitzvah greater than redeeming captives, since the captive suffers from hunger, thirst, lack of clothing -- and his life in danger."

According to some authorities, Ma'aser must be used solely to support those in need (with priority to Torah scholars), whereas other authorities allow a wider interpretation.

The cost of a mitzvah, that you would have spent in any case, cannot be deducted from your Ma'aser money (Tzitz Eliezer 9:1). For instance, money for synagogue dues cannot be counted as Ma'aser, since there is a prior mitzvah obligation to pray in a synagogue.

However, you could choose to spend extra above-and-beyond what you might otherwise spend for a mitzvah, and deduct that from Ma'aser. For example, if you would normally give a $20 wedding gift, but you know that the couple needs money, you could give a $50 gift and deduct the $30 difference from Ma'aser.

In terms of the order of priority when supporting poor people:

A person's own needs take priority over those of anyone else, and he is not obliged to give charity until he has enough to meet them. But this applies only to the essential minimum needs of food, shelter and clothing.

The Code of Jewish Law (YD 248) states: "Every person is obligated to give tzedakah, even the poor who themselves are recipients thereof."

Maimonides writes that nobody ever became poor from giving tzedakah. In fact, the Talmud (Ta'anit 9a) states that when you give Ma'aser properly, it actually earns you additional wealth.

However, those in the most difficult financial situation could rely on the opinion that allows you to exchange the Ma'aser money with another person in need. The other person simply gives his Ma'aser money to you, and you give yours to him.

A person's poor relatives have priority over other poor people. You can use Ma'aser money to support your parents, but only if you cannot otherwise afford to support them. (If you have other money, it is considered humiliating to use charity funds for this purpose.)

Ma'aser money cannot be used to support your children who have not yet reached the age at which they normally earn a living. If they do not earn a living until they marry, and live with their parents meanwhile, there is a separate parental obligation to support them -- and so Ma'aser money many not be used for that purpose. (Rabbi Moshe Feinstein)

Next come poor people of your own town (neighbors first). After that comes poor people in Jerusalem, then in other cities in Israel, and finally poor people in other places outside of Israel. (Midrash - Sifrei Deut. 15:7)

We usually try to help other Jews first, since all Jews are considered "part of your community."