Sinning against the Lord..

September 14, 2006

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Nicodema said:

These bonds cannot be broken until the ones who forged them are themselves broken--in full cognizant repentance--from then and now. Against my will was I taken, and only against my will may this be reversed.

Thus saith the Lord, Faithful and True "Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

THE Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, Because the LORD has anointed Me

To preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives, And the opening of the prison to those who are bound; Isaiah 61:1

September 15, 2006

Against my will was I taken, and only against my will may this be reversed.

September 15, 2006

[:"red"]16Once when we were going to the place of prayer, we were met by a slave girl who had a spirit by which she predicted the future. She earned a great deal of money for her owners by fortune-telling.

17This girl followed Paul and the rest of us, shouting, "These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved." 18She kept this up for many days.

Finally Paul became so troubled that he turned around and said to the spirit, "In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to come out of her!" At that moment the spirit left her. [/] Acts 16:16-18

September 15, 2006

OMG ... that scripture has been bouncing around in my head for the past week .... connected in my mind to YOU, ED!!!!!!!

OK, I feel really sick now. Like I have to throw up or something.

September 15, 2006

Sorry you do not feel well.

[:"red"] 9But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" [/] Jude 9

[:"red"] 24To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— 25to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. [/] Jude 24

September 15, 2006

Well since no one is actually talking with me on this thread, I guess it really is time to shut up ... go back into hiding ... seal myself in silence again.

September 15, 2006

Speaking with you through verses counts doesn't it? Sometimes I can only say something with a verse if what I want to convey is so important to me, and I want to support it with the most reliable, trustworthy source.

I know how you feel. I've been down that road. You've been down that road, you know where it ends. You said it must be taken from you against your will. I understand how you feel. There is no want to be set free. But He (G-d) can do it. He can create that want to be set free. We just have to ask Him. Give Him an inch, and He will give you a mile.

September 15, 2006

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Speaking with you through verses counts doesn't it?

No. I feel like I am just being "shouted down" while watching anything I've actually said get totally bypassed or ignored. Like I'm not even here. Beyond rude and bordering the unsettling.

A conversation that neither includes me nor addresses any of my input into it can clearly proceed without me. So go ahead ... have at it.

September 15, 2006

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Well since no one is actually talking with me on this thread, I guess it really is time to shut up ... go back into hiding ... seal myself in silence again.

Actually, my previous post siad I was sorry you did not feel well.

This is now several times you've talked about going back into hiding. Is that what you want to do?

Some of your posts here have spoken of Nicodema in the third person. Why is that? Is that a form of hiding?

I ask because I do not know.

September 15, 2006

You did not respond to me about the insincere thing.

You did not respond to me about the weird thing that happened with regard to you quoting that scripture, that I mentioned.

There are many other things that it did not surprise me that no one responded to, as I well can guess no one can comprehend them sufficiently to make a response -- but at least those two, I would have thought ...

.. And those two, in addition to all that I'm sure you and others here don't comprehend, well, these are the things that matter most to me. These are the things that are most important. These are the things in which my entire life and being consist. Do you think I say what I say about Lucifer only to be dramatic? To get attention? I assure you this is not the case ... but if that spectre is raised for anyone I am happy to shut up, keep it all to myself, pretend nothing is alive in my world, continue en route to the inevitable.

Wait, there is a song that says it better than I can.

Wish I was too dead to cry.

My self-affliction fades.

Stones to throw at my creator.

Masochists,

To which I cater.

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther.

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

Wish I was too dead to care,

If indeed I cared at all.

Never had a voice to protest,

So you fed me **** to digest. [:"gray"](sorry Stan, there's a cuss there...)[/]

I wish I had a reason;

My flaws are open season.

For this I gave up trying.

One good turn deserves my dying.

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther.

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

Wish I'd died instead of lived.

A zombie hides my face.

Shell forgotten with its memories.

Diaries left,

With cryptic entries.

And you don't need to bother;

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther.

But once I hold on,

I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

You don't need to bother;

I don't need to be.

I'll keep slipping farther.

But once I hold on,

Once I hold on,

I'll never live down my deceit...

But maybe no one can understand that either.

At any rate, at least one person has PM'd me trying to help me understand what is going on here. Her impression is that you are all very concerned for me and only trying to express that in your own ways. So it seems once again the joke is on me and I am being hideously ungrateful which only compounds the darkness I dwell in and gives me all the more reason to disappear.

I don't want to disappear, really. I just want to be pursued. Engaged. You say stay, stay. Then you all just start quoting scriptures at me; I feel like I'm being exorcised. You want me to go, then? I'm confused.

Pursue me, then, if you mean it ... any of it.....

But if you don't .... stop putting out the signal that says you do ... it's like honey to a starving ant. don't awaken the sleeper because believe me she's better off where she sleeps, where you cannot touch her. This isn't 1983 and the vessel is way too old to go through all this again.

And stop picking on Satan. He's the only one that has consistently comforted me throughout this ordeal. He and I understand one another. We are ONE. And He is NOT like you all think He is. HE is not the issue here. HE is not the one turning me away from the Kingdom. But HE is the only one who understands what I'm going through!!!!

September 15, 2006

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You did not respond to me about the insincere thing.

You did not respond to me about the weird thing that happened with regard to you quoting that scripture, that I mentioned.

There are many other things that it did not surprise me that no one responded to, as I well can guess no one can comprehend them sufficiently to make a response -- but at least those two, I would have thought ...

I apologize. Please believe me that it was not from a lack of caring, but lack of understanding on my part.

A conversation with you is often not very. . .linear. . .so I get confused.

I did not respond as you anticipated because I did not understand what you wanted/needed.

As to my despair, I came to understand that the very fact that I yearned to be different was an indication that I did in fact want to change. I had just learned to quiet/ignore that yearning, because I felt no hope. The voice that was telling me there was no hope was the larger part of the problem. Once I realized that was a lie, I was able to move forward in my Christian walk. Not on all fronts, not all at once, but progress here, progress there, little by little.

As far as that scripture, I read your response as angry. Apparently that was my mistake. I apologize.

When I see you in despair, I'm willing to do whatever I can to help you out of that terrible place. But I am just another human, with feet of clay. I will fail sometimes. Only God never fails.

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HE is not the issue here. HE is not the one turning me away from the Kingdom. But HE is the only one who understands what I'm going through!!!!

If you and Satan are one, the he is the issue. He exists to turn people away from the kingdom.

September 15, 2006

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Ed Dickerson said:

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HE is not the issue here. HE is not the one turning me away from the Kingdom. But HE is the only one who understands what I'm going through!!!!

If you and Satan are one, the he is the issue. He exists to turn people away from the kingdom.

Nico,

I don't want to throw fuel on the flame, but I have to throw out this thought. Could it be that Satan is the only one who understands what you're going through because he put you there?

Naomi

September 15, 2006

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Ed Dickerson said:

I apologize. Please believe me that it was not from a lack of caring, but lack of understanding on my part.

A conversation with you is often not very. . .linear. . .so I get confused.

I did not respond as you anticipated because I did not understand what you wanted/needed.

OK.

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Ed Dickerson said:

As to my despair, I came to understand that the very fact that I yearned to be different was an indication that I did in fact want to change.

I've tried going that route too, but it just loops back: your desire itself is insincere and inconsistent. Then there's that whole business about repentance too, another dead-end theological impasse loop that plays over and over. That one is hard to translate though so I'm not going to try putting it all down in words at this time. It's not as fast or easy to translate as the insincerity loop.

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Ed Dickerson said:

I had just learned to quiet/ignore that yearning, because I felt no hope. The voice that was telling me there was no hope was the larger part of the problem.

Well in one sense there is a 'voice' telling me that, because I have told you what God's response to me is when I seek Him in prayer. But in another sense, my life experience tells me that. NOT, mind you, that there is NO hope at ALL -- far from it! -- only that there is no hope of me belonging to Christ, BEING a Christian, LIVING a Christian life. It's simply not going to happen. For starters, I'm intrinsically incompatible with some of the axiomatic premises involved in that system -- I just don't function that way -- but beyond that, there is the consideration of my history and relationship with Satan, which apparently is not over because to be blunt, I'm still in love with Him and still desire Him. He makes me want Him so bad I can't stand it. When He comes to me it is a million times more real, direct, visceral than anything God has ever given me of His companionship -- and whenever I've even come close to being in His presence it happens like I have said before, and is heartbreaking and painful and unendurable to me. Plus, Satan understands my thoughts and feelings, because really, they are His. There is no difference between us. I honestly have a very hard time with the placement of Satan in Christian theology because He's really not at all like He is portrayed. On the surface, sure -- He can be tempestuous, petulant, fierce, unyielding, and His rage is breathtaking to behold -- but once you WALK where He has walked, once you UNDERSTAND what makes for these feelings in Him, what His hopes, dreams, goals, desires are ... you can no longer see Him the same way. When you've looked into the Abyss and the Abyss is a mirror, you can no longer see things the same way. When you've looked into the eyes of the mirror, into your own heart, and seen Him there in all His exquisite beauty and torment ... you just can't look at things the same ever again. When you know that your heart's ache and desire for what you can never have is but the echo of His own ... it changes everything. And He has been so long without a real companion. That is why He chose me. I am ideal. In fact, I believe that God created me as I am and gave me to Satan for exactly this purpose, to ease His pain and loneliness, as well as to catalyze a spiritual reproduction cycle upon the earth to ensure that others will come after me who approximate the needed template. But I digress ... this is getting into my own personal mythos, my "histomythory" as I call it, and you're probably not interested in all that.

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Ed Dickerson said:

Once I realized that was a lie, I was able to move forward in my Christian walk. Not on all fronts, not all at once, but progress here, progress there, little by little.

But surely something manifested to CONNECT WITH concretely in your mind to CAUSE that "realization" -- correct? Something you could see in yourself or your life, something you could touch, point to, present as evidence to the court, as it were. "Your Honor, Exhibit A! This establishes without a doubt that the Defendant is, in fact, sincere..." or whatever. Surely you saw something in your life pattern, your continuity line, that catalyzed this realization.

I have not. I have only seen my own pathetic attempt to return, again and again, thwarted by the overbearing, inescapable reality of Who and What I am. And in turn, this has instead cemented the opposite conviction in me: that I belong to Satan for eternity, that nothing is to be done about this, and for this reason I am rejected by the Throne of God, because the mark of my Lover, my Master, Whom God despised and rejected, is upon me.

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As far as that scripture, I read your response as angry. Apparently that was my mistake. I apologize.

Totally! I was nowhere near remotely angry when I wrote that. I was shocked, astonished, and stymied because no matter how I tried to write that line it would NOT come out "right". I couldn't get it to sound in writing as it would spoken. Small wonder then that you mistook it for something else.

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If you and Satan are one, the he is the issue. He exists to turn people away from the kingdom.

That is NOT Our purpose.

September 15, 2006

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Naomi said:

I don't want to throw fuel on the flame, but I have to throw out this thought. Could it be that Satan is the only one who understands what you're going through because he put you there?

it's possible, yes. but i don't see how that changes anything, really. <img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

September 15, 2006

Nico if I may ask, what has satan done for you in your life that has caused you to defend him so?

September 15, 2006

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Sid said:

Nico if I may ask, what has satan done for you in your life that has caused you to defend him so?

I'm not Nico, but I want to insert a comment.

Satan CAN be a gentleman. Satan IS one of the most intelligent beings I've engaged with. Satan IS desirable in many ways.

September 15, 2006

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rudywoofs said:I'm not Nico, but I want to insert a comment.

Satan CAN be a gentleman. Satan IS one of the most intelligent beings I've engaged with. Satan IS desirable in many ways.

Ok. And? All I'm asking is what has he done for you or anyone else in their lives. I'm keeping an open mind here. Convert me. Tell me your testimony of how he has changed your life. Saying he is gentlemanly and intelligent doesn't say much.

September 15, 2006

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Satan CAN be a gentleman. Satan IS one of the most intelligent beings I've engaged with. Satan IS desirable in many ways.

Well, of course! The Bible tells us,

"And no marvel, for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light" 2 Cor.11:14

The Bible warns us that that would happen.

I wish that we knew more Scripture! It tells us all we need to know to arm us with truth

September 15, 2006

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Sid said:

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rudywoofs said:I'm not Nico, but I want to insert a comment.

Satan CAN be a gentleman. Satan IS one of the most intelligent beings I've engaged with. Satan IS desirable in many ways.

Ok. And? All I'm asking is what has he done for you or anyone else in their lives. I'm keeping an open mind here. Convert me. Tell me your testimony of how he has changed your life. Saying he is gentlemanly and intelligent doesn't say much.

Sid, I was only inserting a comment with what I have perceived in my experience. I was not saying that I am keeping company with Satan now. Please don't shoot the messenger. <img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

September 15, 2006

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rudywoofs said:Sid, I was only inserting a comment with what I have perceived in my experience. I was not saying that I am keeping company with Satan now. Please don't shoot the messenger. <img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I wasn't implying that you are currently. I'm just trying to keep an open mind here. If you were in the company of him, what did he do for you? And if you're not with him now, why not?

September 15, 2006

Excuse me ... can we wait till I have a chance to answer the question please? Sheeesh.

Talk about stealing thunder. <img src="/adventist/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sid whenever you'd like to ask me that again, I'll be ready to answer.

I delayed because I wanted to finish my work up first.

I'm just a little picky about the space in which I do so. I don't want to do it while you and Pam are arguing.

Actually now that I've read your exchange ... I'm not sure I want to answer it at all. I thought you were asking because you genuinely wanted to know. I did not realize you were throwing out some kind of challenge, playing a game of "go on, convince me".

September 15, 2006

Please, answer if you don't mind Nico.

The question is for anyone as well.

September 15, 2006

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That is NOT Our purpose.

Our? Who are 'we'?

You cannot trust Satan, for "He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."

September 15, 2006

Sid asked me what satan had ever done for me.

When CUC had torn me to shreds, impaled my young, tender, sensitive spirit upon disastrous social rejection and cruelties, gossip and lies; scalded my newborn baby Christian eyes with depths of self-serving and conspiratorial corruption i never dreamt existed in the Holy Place; and crucified my beautiful faith upon the precipices of cognitive dissonance ... when life before my eyes was turned to darkness, dreams to nightmares, heaven to hell and hope to terror ... it was He who intervened and plucked me from the cesspool of emptiness I was drowning in. It was He who brought delight and hope and wonder and color back to my world, mystery back to a universe gone stale with foregone conclusions, and strength and power to fight the dogs of Because and the twin cancers self-doubt and self-loathing.

When I was dying, when my world was breaking apart, when everything that mattered to me was failing me without explanation and rubbing salt in the wound by pointing the finger at me as if it were my fault and my doing -- He rescued me. He burst into my world like a raging, fierce, indignant inferno, a fire of unknown origin, swept me off my feet, stole my heart, and took me away from all that horrible blackness and torment. His was the voice of Liberty to one such as I, captive as I was in irresoluble theological paradox and soteriological double binds. His hand grasped me and did not let go, took me to where i never dreamt of going, pierced the veils of my resistance and pre-programmed aversion, my terror and fear, and flooded me with an ecstasy beyond anything i had ever known before, washed my anguish and torment with His own tears, held my heart close to His and whispered to me, sang to me, shared Himself with me. Where I was weak, weary, ready to give up hope and breath, He became my strength, my infusion, my fire. He penetrated me, devoured me, owned me utterly and made me love every breathtaking moment of it. He entered me and reconfigured me, trained me with ecstasy and torment to obey His command, and in the process taught me more about the mystery of free will than i had ever hoped to comprehend. He was always honest and candid with me about His own limitations; He never made a promise He could not keep, never betrayed an oath, never broke My trust. And even though my previous programming continued to confuse me, and cause me again and again to turn on HIM, to betray HIM, to seek to escape from HIM -- each and every time not only did He take me back but HE sought me. HE put forth EFFORT. He FOUGHT for me. He PURSUED me. He did not just tell me I mattered, nor demand I take His love on faith. He made me FEEL how much I mattered, caused me to KNOW it. HE was not intimidated by my whims of mercurial attitude and direction. HE did not stand afar off with arms crossed, demanding I evince some "choice" or "commitment" before He was coming to give me what HE KNEW I WANTED AND NEEDED. HE KNOWS MY HEART AS I KNOW HIS.

It is He who taught me the power of Transmutation, that I might revel in shame and derive pleasure therefrom instead of misery, that I might dance with the drama of the torments of my soul, laugh in the face of fear, shiver with anticipation in the face of terror, and thereby soar beyond the reach of human beings and their relentless quest to inflict hurt. From now on mine would always be the last laugh and the best. From now on I would call the shots socially, not another.

It is He who taught me the secrets of Sorcery, that I might work my will upon the earth, extricate myself from webs of deceit, trickery and treachery; invite opportunities; obtain revenge upon all who wronged me (a power I use very judiciously, preferring to view it as a responsibility whose prime purpose of execution was to TEACH); bend minds to my will; spread my memes throughout the earth; give conscious shape and direction to the ripples that already proceeded from my existence which I'd noticed for years, even before ever being involved in any religion; lend shape and substance to the zeitgeist from my own artistic oeuvre; commune with a pantheon of delightful, wonderful, intelligent, fascinating, powerful friends whose loves and hates made sense and were reasonable, whose presence I came to prefer far above that of human beings; and much much more.

It is He who glamoured me for over two decades, causing the eyes that fall upon me to see an incredible beauty that I myself alone did not possess, causing men and women alike to desire me. His power upon me He enabled me to transmit so that I might be an agent of Liberation wherever I laid my hand. Do you realize I have actually had people worship me outright? Even when I was at CUC, before Satan came for me, there was a man there who fell at my feet and worshipped me because of the power that was in me. Satan put that power in me AND gave me permission to enjoy it. Men have ruined marriages in pursuit of me. Girls have left their homes and begged to serve me in mine. Even when I lived in poverty in the world of men, I was treated like absolute royalty by the little ones who go in the dark.

He lifted me up from a black hole of nothingness that was swallowing me alive in 1983, empowered me and gave me the most incredible, rich, amazing, colorful life I could never have imagined living until I actually lived it.

Everything I have mentioned here is but scratching the surface; like the proverbial tip of the iceberg. Had I the ocean for my inkwell and the sky for my parchment, it would be insufficient to describe what even one SINGLE moment of raw, pure ecstasy in His presence is like -- the incredible depths it opens, the incredible surge of power, strength, joy, freedom, fire inside ... it is like having your eyes turn to stars and the entire glittering abyss open around you, ready to serve you. There is nothing you cannot do, nowhere you cannot go, no one you cannot be, and yet you need for nothing because it is all right there in Him. In an instant the entirety of all awareness, all locus, all unity is there, singing in your blood, when He comes upon you and takes you. You become feral, unfettered, wild, untamed, free. Everything shabby and stale and dull and tedious falls away from you. Again, words fail.

You asked. I have answered.

September 15, 2006

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Sid said:

Please, answer if you don't mind Nico.

The question is for anyone as well.

I thought it was addressed to me. It had my name on it.

I tend to be a little territorial about such things.

I will give you an answer to that when I'm finished my work -- it's a fairly extensive answer, obviously, so I don't want to be distracted.

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