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phkrause

Joke of the Day

413 posts in this topic

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

jbal7, RobertoDamp, Naomi and 7 others like this

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

Naomi likes this

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A mother rabbit was overheard saying to her little one "Look, a magician pulled you out of a hat, now quit asking questions!"

Naomi likes this

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Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

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Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

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A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute." "God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?" "Wait a minute."

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HEY ALL

a toothbrush and a roll of toilet paper were talking

the toothbrush said "I have a very bad job with all

the nasty food to clean out of the mouth"

the toilet paper said "you think you have it bad try my job"

dgrimm60

LOL

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HEY ALL

3 Drunks hailed a taxi, the taxi driver seeing they were so wasted when

they got in, so he just switched the engine on for about 5 minutes then

shut it off,then said here we are. The 1st guy paid the money, The

2nd guy said thank you, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver

was stunned because he was hoping that none of them noticed they had

not moved an inch. What was that for the taxi driver ask. the 3rd

replied control you speed next time you almost killed us.

dgrimm60

LOLLOL

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HEY ALL

A police recruit was ask during and exam "What would you do

if you had to arrest you mother?"

He said "Call for backup"

dgrimm60

LOL

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Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

SMAN likes this

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HEY ALL

A police recruit was ask during and exam "What would you do

if you had to arrest you mother?"

He said "Call for backup"

dgrimm60

Love it!!!

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HEY ALL

Doctor, Doctor, You have to help me-I just

can not stop my hand shaking

Doctor "Do you drink a lot?"

"I spill most of it!"

dgrimm60

giggle

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Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?

A: He couldn't fit in the elevator

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A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

David Clement likes this

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HEY ALL

A young guy was walking down the street and passes and old man

sitting along side of the road with a big sack

the young man ask "what you got in the sack"

the old man says "I have some monkeys in the sack"

the young guy say "if I guess how many monkeys are

in the sack can i keep one"

the old man says "son if you can guess how many monkeys

are in the sack you can keep both of them"

dgrimm60

haha

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Dupi likes this

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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the bump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

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