Joke of the Day

[phkrause]

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[phkrause]

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,

"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[CoAspen]

Quote:

"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

So might be wondered about some postings around here...

[phkrause]

Quote:

"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

So might be wondered about some postings around here...

[phkrause]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Toby

Toby who?

Toby or not to be-that is the question.

[phkrause]

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[phkrause]

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years. The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it fair and square!" Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!"

[Naomi]

[phkrause]

A man went to see the doctor.

Man: "Doc, I think I'm spending too long on the computer, I'm starting to see spots in front of my eyes".

Doctor: "Have you seen an optician?"

Man: "No, just spots."

[phkrause]

Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

[phkrause]

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service". Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

[Naomi]

[phkrause]

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?” A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.” “Very good!” says the group leader. One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.” “That's wonderful!” the group leader comments. One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.” The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?” “Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

[phkrause]

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a check-up. 'Remember,' the doctor said, 'Dont get excited, dont get mad and forget about baseball when youre off the field.' Then he added, 'By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth.'

[phkrause]

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.” The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.” The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

[phkrause]

You might be a redneck if...

Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

[phkrause]

A painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church.

His practice was to thin the paint so that he could make a larger profit.

As he was painting the church a torrential rain began to fall and it washed all of the paint off.

Then, as quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out.

As the painter gazed skyward, he heard a voice from above saying:

" Repaint ! Go, and thin no more."

[phkrause]

How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower? Squeaky clean!

[phkrause]

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!"

"Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service."

"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says.

"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'

[phkrause]

"Why is it $10 looks so small at the grocery store......but so big at church?"

[phkrause]

Recently-Spotted Bumper Sticker

I’m a Frisbeteerian. When I die my soul goes up to the roof and gets stuck there.

[phkrause]

Patient - Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog.

Doctor - Take a seat.

Patient - I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

[phkrause]

Lion Joke

Q: Why did the lion eat a light bulb?

A: He wanted a light lunch.

[phkrause]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

[phkrause]

Frog Joke

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

A: Open toad.