Joke of the Day

[phkrause]

A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"

[phkrause]

Just flossed for the first time in months. I didn't realize how much blood I had stuck between my teeth.

[phkrause]

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

[phkrause]

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: He didn't have the guts.

[phkrause]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[phkrause]

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

[phkrause]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

[phkrause]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

[phkrause]

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

[phkrause]

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"

Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

[phkrause]

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

[phkrause]

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Kevin H]

Have to share the 2 quarter joke!!!

[phkrause]

HEY ALL

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his

customer " this is the dumbest kid in town. Watch while I prove

it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and 2

quarters in the other hand, then calls the boy over and ask

"which do you want son?" the boy takes the 2 quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" the barber says "the kid never learns"

Later this same customer leaves the barber shop and sees the boy

coming out of the ice cream shop." Hey son may I ask you a question?

why do you take the 2 quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy replied the day I take the dollar bill the game is over

dgrimm60

[phkrause]

Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A: A pork chop.

[olger]

That is awful!

[phkrause]

Q: Why was the math book sad?

A: It had too many problems.

[phkrause]

Q: Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?

A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

[phkrause]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

[phkrause]

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

[phkrause]

A Bible group study leader says to his group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks left before the great Judgment Day?” A gentleman says, ”I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.” “Very good!” says the group leader. One lady speaks up and says enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.” “That's wonderful!” the group leader comments. One gentleman in the back finally speaks up loudly and says, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.” The group leader asks, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?” “Because that will make it the longest four weeks of my life!”

[phkrause]

Q: Why are horses such lousy dancers?

A: They have two left feet!

[phkrause]

Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

A: Because it's too far to walk.

[Naomi]

[phkrause]

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A: He wanted cold, hard cash