Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

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PKRAUSE

A LOT of people are asking these questions

but the only true anwsers are in the bible

dgrimm60

Good point dgrimm, absolutely

pk

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Solutions Versus Blaming

When you find yourself in a conflict with someone, focus on finding solutions. This is in contrast to thinking and speaking in terms of blaming.

The question to ask yourself whenever you find yourself in a conflict is, "What can I say or do that might be a solution to this situation?"

In the vast majority of situations, refraining from blaming prevents a situation from getting worse. And then your mind is more likely to be free to think of potential solutions.

pk

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The Best Question You Can Ask Yourself

What is the best question I can ask myself right now?" is one of the best questions you can ask yourself each day.

Your questions can lead you in the right direction or the wrong direction. That is why it is so important to know the patterns of the best questions you can ask yourself and others.

"What do I need to know about this?" is a tremendously helpful tool to help you gather the type of information that you need to reach your goal. Then ask yourself, "Where and how can I get this knowledge?"

When you meet someone who is a highly knowledgeable expert in a specific area, you can always ask, "What are some of the best questions that you have been asked on this subject?" and "What do you consider the basic principles for understanding this subject?"

pk

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PKRAUSE

THESE are interesting questions

dgrimm60

Yes they are

pk

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Benefits Of Brevity

In many situations, by speaking less you will accomplish more.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when they argue with others is that they go on and on and on and on and on, etc., for much too long. Frequently the other person isn't really listening. He is just waiting for his turn to deliver his soliloquy.

The longer one speaks when there is a quarrel, the more likely it is that he will say things that would have been better not said. Reminding a person of his past mistakes and errors, is usually not conducive to resolving issues. Pointing out to a person how he reminds you of this or that difficult to get along with person, is usually not conducive to resolving issues. Putting a person down, speaking condescendingly, and adding lengthy stories and metaphors, is usually not conducive to resolving issues.

The short formula to keep in mind during a quarrel is: Be concise and focus on your outcome.

Omit unnecessary words. Let each word count. Each word should be part of what you need to say to reach your outcome.

pk

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King Solomon's Wise Formula

In the book of Proverbs (27:19), we find an amazing formula for peace. "As in water, face is to face, so too is the heart of one person to another."

When you look at your reflection in a pond or in a mirror, you will see the exact same expression that is on your face. If you frown and scowl, you will see a frown and scowl staring right back at you. And if you smile and wave, you will see a smile and a wave. This is a natural law of physics. To frown and expect to see a smile on the image of your face in a mirror isn't a wise expectation.

King Solomon teaches us that this natural law has a counterpoint in the laws of human nature. The inner feelings you experience towards someone will be reflected back to you from the heart of that person.

See the good in other people. See them as being souls who have high aspirations even if at present they are not yet using all of their potential. See people as they will be when they are at their best. Judge people favorably. See the positive intentions of what they say and do even when it would be preferable if they chose better ways to accomplish those positive intentions.

The way to influence people to feel better towards you is to radiate unconditional love and respect towards them. When someone likes and respects you first, it's easier to reciprocate those feelings. It is a step towards greatness to be the one to create unconditional love and respect when you need to sustain this in the face of challenges. Be willing to take this step.

pk

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Serenity Promotes Harmonious Relationships

Serenity promotes peaceful and harmonious relationships with other people. We have often cited the verse, "As in water, face to face, so too is the heart of one person to another" (Proverbs 27:19). When you speak serenely to someone, the peaceful energy puts the other person in a better state, and usually that person will speak more pleasantly to you.

pk

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Who Is An Honorable Person?

A major underlying issue in many quarrels is that people feel that someone else didn't treat them with the proper respect. The specific details of the quarrel are trivial compared to the fundamental need to be treated with respect.

"Who is an honorable person?" ask the Sages (Pirkei Avos 4:1). "The one who shows honor and respect to others." That is, your honor and respect does not depend on how others treat you. Rather, the more honor and respect that you express to others, the more honorable you yourself are. We all want to be treated with basic respect. And as we internalize the essential message of the Sages, we will decrease our concern about how others treat us and we will increase our concern about how we treat others.

pk

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My Partner In Personal Growth

View people you are likely to quarrel with as your partners in personal growth. They are likely to make you more aware of your vulnerabilities, limitations, and mistakes. Don't let this get you down. Rather, let it serve as your coach. You now have more awareness of what you need to strengthen, fix, and keep on developing.

pk

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From The Perspective Of Our Father, Our King

Viewing peace and quarrels from the perspective of our Father, our King, Creator and Sustainer of the universe, changes the way we see things. The question we will ask ourselves is "What would my Father, my King, want me to say and do right now?"

Parents want their children to get along well with each other. They find it extremely distressful if their children quarrel. And there is tremendous pleasure in seeing your children interacting harmoniously. This is a metaphor for understanding peace and quarrels from the perspective of our Father, our King.

pk

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Pray For Peace

What are you doing for peace? We can't always find magical solutions ourselves that will transform former adversaries into being great friends. But we can always pray for peace.

We can pray to find peace in our own lives. We can ask our loving Father and powerful King, Creator and Sustainer of the universe, to help us have harmonious relationships with others.

We can pray to the Almighty to help specific people we know who are involved in a quarrel to bury the hatchet and smoke a peace pipe together, metaphorically of course.

We can pray to the Almighty for peace for our People and for all the nations of the world.

Every prayer has some effect. Every prayer elevates us spiritually. Every prayer connects us with the Creator of the universe and helps us gain a much more expansive perspective.

pk

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"How Did I Contribute?"

If you are involved in a quarrel with another person, it's easy to think that it's entirely his fault. The wrong things that this person said and did are loud and clear to you. It's not easy to be aware of what you personally said or did that was wrong.

A question to keep asking yourself about any quarrel you become involved in is, "How did I contribute to this?"

Even if you feel that the other person is one hundred percent wrong, and you are one hundred percent right, you might still have said or done something that was partially a cause of the quarrel or at least a cause of it becoming as heated and bitter as it did. You might have been totally right in what you said or did and didn't have any way to know how the other person would react. By asking how you contributed, factors and patterns might emerge that you can eliminate in the future.

pk

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The Most Common Mistake of Outsiders

One party comes over to you and tells you the negative things someone else said or did. You experience righteous anger. This person is certainly right, the other person is certainly wrong. You might tell your source, "I agree with you. He's an awful person." You might censure the other person, "You are an awful person." You might tell others, "This person is an awful person."

Did you hear both sides in the presence of each other before forming any opinion whatsoever? If not, the Torah considers what you heard as a "false report." (The Chofetz Chaim elaborates on this in his classic work. See Prohibitions, no.2)

"The map is not the territory." This basic principle of General Semantics applies to every story and report you ever hear. Details are always left out. Words describing any situation are never an exact portrait of any interaction. What was the entire context? What were the exact words that were used by both sides? What was the exact tone of voice of each segment of the interchange? Even when someone reports what he himself said with total accuracy, the tone of voice totally transforms the energy that was exchanged. What were the facial expressions? What were the intentions, motivations, and assumptions?

King Solomon compares an outsider getting involved in an argument that is not his to a passerby who pulls the ear of a dog (Proverbs 26:17). The calm dog was harmless. Pull his ear and you'll have problems. Taking sides in a quarrel that's not yours is even worse when you don't really have the entire picture. Those who impulsively take sides often don't realize how many mistakes they will be making.

Every word an outsider says to a party in a quarrel can either make the situation better or worse. Whenever someone tells you about a situation that is either already a quarrel or could easily lead to a quarrel, ask yourself, "What can I say now that will be conducive for peace?" And when the answer is, "I don't really know," keep quiet. It's a major mistake to make things worse.

pk

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Learn From Your Strengths And Successes

We all can communicate well with some people and not equally as well with some other people. Learn from your strengths. Learn from your successes. Learn from your best moments.

Your own best moments are your best teacher. So the question to ask yourself is, "With whom do you communicate well?" What can you learn from the way you speak to those people? Very likely, the way that those people speak to you and treat you has an influence on the way that you communicate with them. Even so, awareness of what you personally do right when you speak to them can help you speak better with the people you find difficult to interact with.

Moreover, if you ever have a difficult time communicating with someone that you sometimes communicate well with, ask yourself, "What exactly did I say and do when I communicated well with this person in the past?"

pk

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Mental Rehearsals

Before delivering an important speech, people rehearse. Before performing before a large audience, people rehearse. When you rehearse, you build up your skills and you improve what needs improvement. When you practice excellently, those experiences are stored in your brain cells and you can access them again and again.

Before a potentially difficult encounter with someone, mentally rehearse. In your mind's eye imagine yourself getting along smoothly. See yourself remaining calm and friendly the entire time. See yourself speaking with respect and kindness to the other person. Imagine that this person will speak to you in a friendly way.

This mental exercise is a powerful tool. It works either positively or negatively. If you imagine that someone will speak and act negatively towards you, this imaging will put you in an unresourceful state, and will make it more likely that you will help create that negative reality. With equal effort you can choose to utilize it positively.

pk

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Mental Rehearsals

Before delivering an important speech, people rehearse. Before performing before a large audience, people rehearse. When you rehearse, you build up your skills and you improve what needs improvement. When you practice excellently, those experiences are stored in your brain cells and you can access them again and again.

Before a potentially difficult encounter with someone, mentally rehearse. In your mind's eye imagine yourself getting along smoothly. See yourself remaining calm and friendly the entire time. See yourself speaking with respect and kindness to the other person. Imagine that this person will speak to you in a friendly way.

This mental exercise is a powerful tool. It works either positively or negatively. If you imagine that someone will speak and act negatively towards you, this imaging will put you in an unresourceful state, and will make it more likely that you will help create that negative reality. With equal effort you can choose to utilize it positively.

I'm not good in front of a large crowd - even with rehearsing what I'm going to say. And Speech Communications was my college minor....

pk

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When It's Over, Let It Remain Over

In the classic ethical work, Orchos Tzadikim (ch.21), we find stated, "If two people quarreled and afterward made peace, neither should later say to the other, ‘The reason I behaved as I did is because you did this and that to me.' Even if the person saying this does not intend to resume the quarrel, such a remark is apt to rekindle the dispute, since the other person will probably retort, ‘No, it was really your fault.'"

It's often true that after a dispute both people blame the other not only for what the other person said, but even for what they themselves have said.

"I'm not usually the type of person who speaks or acts this way. And since I did speak and act this negatively when interacting with you, it's your fault that I did so. I wouldn't have spoken this way or acted this way if it hadn't been for you."

The need to justify ourselves is strong. Even if no one else is present, we want the other person to know that he is at fault and we weren't. But we need to overcome this pattern in order to prevent the continuation of a quarrel that has already subsided.

pk

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So is that what you are doing dgrimm? :):)

pk

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You Run Your Own Broadcasting Show the Entire Day

Imagine hearing this announcement when you start off each day: "Welcome to your own broadcasting show. We’re on the air today and every day. We run from this moment on, for the rest of your life. You can’t shut off the show, but you can choose what to hear. We advise you to choose wisely. Don’t be upset with yourself if the show is not proceeding the way you wish. Instead, thank your mind for working. Be nice and friendly to it. And kindly and respectfully ask your mind to give you a truly great show today. Have a fantastic day, today and every day."

If the above represents what you would like to hear on your own mental show, then you can choose it. If you would like to run a different show, just choose what you would like to hear.

Your mental broadcast can have any guest you want. What do you want your inner mental guests to say to you? What do you want them to speak about? Choose the subject that you would like your self-talk to be about, for as long as you’d like. You might want to hear a great interview with yourself and your ideals and values. You might want to hear a certain song or many songs that uplift you and help you feel good. You might want to hear a well-known story over again. This could be a story with a lesson that you really need to hear right now. It could be an inspiring story. It could even be an entertaining or a funny story.

If you find yourself broadcasting distressful ideas and thoughts, you can switch to uplifting and joyous ones. You can give yourself messages of hope right now and at any time you choose.

When you listen to recordings of speakers or speeches you like, you can be grateful for the opportunity to add their messages to your own mental library. Once those recordings are stored in your brain, you can access them as often as you like.

Be grateful to the Creator of your mind and your life for giving you your own broadcasting show. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your inner broadcasting show. Keep raising the quality of what you say to yourself, and you will live a happier life, full of self-development and self-empowerment.

pk

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Setbacks are Part of the Process

When you try to make peace, either for yourself or between two other people, expect setbacks. They are part of the process.

Many people are happy, even excited, to make peace when they see steady progress. Even if progress is slow, they are patient. But when they are faced with setbacks, they easily give up. When you realize that setbacks are an integral part of making progress, you realize that this is just another step that you have to make. It's like climbing a mountain path. The path doesn't always go straight up. At times it goes around the right and at times it goes around the left but the focus is on eventually getting to the destination. And therefore even if part of the path seems to be descending, it is a descent for the sake of ascent. This, too, is getting you closer to where you want to end up.

pk

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Seeing Each Others Pain

When people are in emotional pain, they tend to speak and act in ways that sound angry and aggressive. And if you, too, are in emotional pain, you are likely to speak to the other person in ways that he will perceive as angry and aggressive. Each person adds to the emotional pain of the other, and the distress of everyone involved keeps increasing.

When you are calm, it's easier to see the emotional pain of others. That is when you can build up your attribute of compassion. The goal is to have so much compassion that even when you personally are experiencing emotional pain, you are able to be sensitive to the emotional pain of the person with whom you are interacting.

Coming from a place of compassion you will be able to address the thoughts and feelings of the other person in a way that alleviates his distress. Then he is more likely to speak and act more sensibly and reasonably towards you.

pk

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Snatch Growth From the Jaws of Defeat

"Everything in life serves as a challenge and test to elevate us" (Path of the Just, ch.1). For those who develop a comprehensive spiritual awareness there is not a major difference between victory and defeat. Both are potentially elevating tests. It's not the external event that counts. Rather, it's your growing from this event.

Defeat is your opportunity to speak and act in ways that express your awareness that the purpose of life is to connect with the Creator in this world and for all eternity. Although the defeat will have an effect on your present emotional state, ultimately your spirit will be raised.

pk

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End With Sincere Praise

A principle for "kind" living is to leave people feeling better about themselves as a result of having met you.

Ask yourself: "What can I say to this person to give him a positive feeling?"

Be sincere in what you say. The goal is not to flatter or to give people a false sense of having attributes they are missing. Rather the goal is to keep on developing your own "good eye" to see the positive in each person.

When you develop positive feelings about others, what you say makes them feel good, as does how you say it -- i.e. with a kind look on your face and a smile.

pk

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Needlessly Limiting Yourself

Many people needlessly limit themselves in important ways. They don’t fully develop their character traits, feel more joyful, accomplish more, do more good in the world, study and know more, or have a greater positive influence on more people.

With positive self-conversations, recognizing self-imposed limitations can greatly enhance one’s life. This can lead to inspiring and joy-creating self-talk.

"If I am needlessly limiting myself now, that means I can choose to be more and do more and know more and accomplish more! This is tremendously motivating. This thought will give me greater drive and energy. I can experience great joy because I have more abilities and potential than I had realized!"

Developing ourselves to be more and do more makes our journey through life exciting and inspiring. The more we develop ourselves, the more we learn that we have even greater potential than we had thought.

pk

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We Control our Response

To a great extent, we create the world in which we live. While many events are beyond our control and we are unable to have a direct influence on them, to a large degree we still have the ability to control our attitudes towards any given situation. Hence, the emotional consequences of events is largely up to us.

It is unrealistic to expect perfect control, but anyone who works calmly and persistently on his thoughts will be able to improve.

pk