Ask the Rabbi

[phkrause]

23 Tammuz

Children Waiting Between Meat & Milk

My son is nearly three years old. After eating meat, he wants to have his nighttime hot chocolate. How should I handle this matter? Is it forbidden for him?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

A child under age 3 may eat dairy immediately after meat, though the outside of his mouth should first be wiped of any meat residue.

From age 3-6, he should wait one hour. After that, one should slowly increase the time between meat and milk. A few years before Bar/Bat Mitzvah, the child should becomes accustomed to waiting the regular 6 hours.

For these types of questions, I recommend the excellent book, "Children in Halacha” (artscroll.com).

[phkrause]

24 Tammuz

Cosmetic Surgery

What does the Torah say about nose jobs – both from a legal and philosophic point of view? Are they permitted, or is this considered tampering with Creation?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

First things first: In Jewish consciousness, we are not the “owners” of our bodies, and therefore one is not allowed to cause any wound to himself (Code of Jewish Law – C.M. 420:31). However, a cosmetic procedure is constructive and not destructive (i.e. the intent is to heal, not to harm), this does not violate the prohibition against wounding oneself.

“Constructive” here is defined as repairing an obvious defect. However, if done for erotic or overly vain reasons, it is forbidden. (Igrot Moshe – E.H. 4:66)

Regarding the philosophical aspects, there are different ways to look at things. One way is to accept a large nose as being part of a person's personal challenge. Learning how to live it with can help a person build self-esteem in a way that promotes internal growth and strength.

On the other hand, a person is entitled to use the means God has given him to make his stay on earth more pleasant. If one’s nose is causing considerable distress, then an operation may be in order. Some “good reasons” to get cosmetic surgery are: an inability to earn living, difficulty getting married, or causing serious marital strife. In the words of the Sages, if the emotional pain is so great that one is embarrassed to be seen in public, "there is no pain greater than this." (Talmud – Shabbat 50b, Tosfot)

Bad reasons for getting cosmetic surgery are: It’s the fashionable thing to do, or it’s my boyfriend's personal preference. I am reminded of the man with big ears who came and asked the doctor to surgically pin them closer to his head. “Why do you want that?” asked the doctor. “So that my children won't inherit this feature,” the man replied.

As for the philosophical question of "changing one’s destiny," and tampering with the Divinely-ordained package that God gave you, that presents no problem in Jewish thought. After all, would you stay sick or poor because God put you into such a situation?! Of course not. Perfecting the world is our job. We see this from the mitzvah of Bris Milah: God created the human body with a slight imperfection which requires our involvement to bring it to “perfection.” In this way, we are partners with the Almighty in repairing and perfecting the world, and that message should carry over into all our endeavors.

I would like to end with a true story that I heard about an Orthodox Jewish family. Their boy was born premature, and due to complications he spent the first few months in the hospital. The doctors concluded that he would always remain especially short. At age 10, a new, untested growth hormone became available, and the boy’s parents took him to a leading endocrinologist for advice. The doctor, who was not Jewish, told them as follows: “Normally I would advise to go ahead, even though the drug is experimental. But that’s because I live in the wealthy area of Scarsdale, where one’s self-esteem depends so heavily on external appearance. But your Jewish community places more emphasis on wisdom and character. So in your case, it’s not worth the risk.”

[phkrause]

25 Tammuz

Premarital Sex

I’ve been dating a man for the past six months and he says “it is time to get serious.” I agree, except that we differ in how we define that. In my mind, “getting serious: means to talk about marriage. In his mind, it means to have sex. I am starting to feel pressure to follow his lead. What do you think?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Unlike other religions, Jewish religious leaders are not celibate. Judaism believes that sex is one of the highest forms of spiritual expression, and accepts the notion that God gave us this intense drive to direct in a positive manner.

In Jewish thought, physical intimacy contains within it the highest potential for spirituality. It is one of the greatest means a married couple is given to express holiness. Like any other means, however, its use depends completely on the expression given to it by the individuals involved. The sexual union is like a canvas in the control of the artists – husband and wife – and the spiritual message they produce can be meaningless, or it can be a masterpiece.

The longing one has for sex is really an expression of the longing for completion, to be intimately joined with our "other half." Through the sexual relationship, we express this by becoming bound together as one.

Through marriage, a man and woman are committed for a lifetime. They are totally given over to one another, and sex becomes a way of expressing and actualizing this total oneness.

Outside of marriage, sex is ultimately frustrating because "oneness" can never be fully achieved. This is obviously true in regard to a short-term sexual encounter. But even in a long-term setting, without the commitment of marriage, there is always the option of leaving the relationship. As a result, the degree of connectedness reaches a barrier.

Naturally a person has to get to know the person they are going to marry by talking about life goals, personal preferences, etc. It is also important that the couple find each other physically attractive. But you don't have to sleep together for that.

Ironically, studies have shown that couples who lived together before marriage are more likely to get divorced early in marriage. There is a simple reason for this. When a man and woman live together, they approach their relationship very differently than they would as a married couple. Finances, personal interests, household chores, social lives, major decisions, minor decisions, resolving conflict, family and children, and expectations about the future are all dealt with from the perspective of two individuals who lack a common lifetime goal. When they get married, expectations often change, the rules are different, and the resulting tension is something that the couple may be unable to overcome.

Here's a list of "10 Reasons Not to Have Pre-Marital Sex":

1) It clouds one's objectivity. Pleasurable physical contact creates a bond: a physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual bond. You're already "committed" without focusing on important issues. Once the physical aspect takes off, you're so drawn in that you'll stay in the relationship for the sex, even though you don't like the person. It becomes a relationship of convenience, not love. The real danger is in getting comfortable and then getting married.

2) It focuses away from developing communication in the relationship. Imagine that you have a little fight. Should we hug and make up in bed, or learn other non-physical ways of affection? Without the smoke-screen of physical intimacy, there will be a greater need to communicate verbally and emotionally.

3) It cheapens your self-worth. If you give intimacy to just anyone, you cheapen your sense of self. The more selective you are, the more valued you are.

4) It makes you prone to getting hurt. In pre-marital sex, a person is emotionally exposed and vulnerable. When they fail to receive the expected emotional reciprocation in return, the result is hurt. A marital commitment demonstrates that the man sees his wife as whole human being and not as an object of physical desire. Many women get confused about a man's intentions and are hurt when they later find out the truth afterwards. And they regret it.

5) You become cynical about relationships. Repeated hurt makes you stop believing that real commitment is possible. Remember your optimism about the "first one?" Now you will carry the baggage of shattered illusions into marriage.

6) You become desensitized to the special experience. What is the power of a hand-hold? A gentle kiss? We live in a society in which people treat sexuality extremely casually. We have lost the sense of the specialness of intimate behavior by which people express their love. In Jewish consciousness, a married couple expresses the intimacy between them in a whole range of ways: The way they look at each other, the way they speak to each other, the way they behave in front of each other. If you use loving language for casual sex, then when you want to use it later in marriage, it will ring hollow.

7) You will compare your spouse to others. After many partners, a person has experienced different physical features and sexual activities. They now have a "composite picture" of the ultimate partner. But who will ever be able to match up to that fantasy? It is a primary rule in marriage: Don't ever compare your spouse to someone else (e.g. "My mother cooked it this way"). Since every sexual experience stays in your subconscious, it will be that much harder to forge a total bond with your spouse.

8) The myth of sexual compatibility. Surprisingly, sexual incompatibility is less likely when a couple has no experience to begin with. They each have a "clean slate" and are not comparing their spouse to a past lover. They can grow together in their intimacy, just as they grow together in their emotional and spiritual lives. Any initial "incompatibility" is usually just shyness or lack of familiarity. As the couple gets to know each other better – as trust grows – they become naturally compatible. Marital counselors say they have never seen a couple break up solely on the issue of sex. Bad sex is merely a symptom of other problems.

9) It removes then incentive to commit. When you agree to pre-marital sex, you’ve already given away much of what you have to give. If one side is pressuring the other, by saying, "If you really loved me, you'd have sex," you can respond: "If you really love me, you wouldn't pressure me."

10) You are attached for eternity. The verse in Genesis 39:10 speaks about a sexual relationship, and uses the words, "to sleep with her, to be with her." The Talmud (Sotah 3b) explains that "to sleep with her" refers to the intimate bond created by the sexual experience – and "to be with her" refers to the afterlife. Sex creates a deep soul bond, and whether you are together for one night or a few years, you will experience that bond in the eternal spiritual world.

Finally, from the standpoint of Jewish law, Maimonides cites Deuteronomy 22:13 as a prohibition against pre-marital sex. (See also Leviticus 18:6.) Additionally, since single women do not immerse in the Mikveh, having pre-marital sex would involve another prohibition as discussed in Leviticus 18:19.

There is a small but powerful book called, "The Magic Touch," by Gila Manolson, which discusses this topic in-depth. See excerpts online at: www.innernet.org.il/innerSearch.php?author=10

[phkrause]

26 Tammuz

Orthodox Clothes

On a recent visit to New York I was quite shocked to see that Orthodox Jews still walking the streets with black hats, long coats, beards and peyos. Why is it necessary to be so behind the times?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I heard a true story which should shed light on your question.

There was a Chassid dressed in all the traditional garb, travelling on a plane. He sat down next to a woman who was also Jewish. After a few minutes, she turned to him: "Jews like you," she hissed, and then went into a tirade about how shameful it is the way Chassidim dress in light of modern society. "It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

After she finished venting, the Chassid looked at her and said, "I beg your pardon, ma'am. I'm Amish."

"Amish?!" said the astonished woman. "Oh, I respect the Amish people and the way they have maintained their traditions all these years."

The Chassid kept quiet, but when they finally got off the plane, he turned to the woman, and said in Yiddish, "You should live and be well!"

Of course the fascinating part of this story is how the Jewish woman was bothered only when she thought the man was a traditional Jew. But I’m not sure exactly what the problem is. In fact, the Midrash says that when the Jewish people were enslaved in Egypt, the only thing that kept them from completely assimilating into Egyptian society was that they maintained distinctive cultural items like mode of dress.

An interesting upshot to this story is that the Chassid was Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center near Pittsburgh, one of the leading alcohol and drug rehabilitation facilities in the world. Rabbi Twerski has written 80 books dealing with modern psychology and personal growth from a Jewish perspective. So I suppose the way a person dresses has little to do with being "behind the times."

[phkrause]

27 Tammuz

Kosher Slaughtering

There has been a lot of controversy lately about kosher methods of slaughtering meat. I always thought that kosher was more humane, but now I’m hearing a lot of negative press. What exactly does kosher slaughter involve?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Besides being from a kosher species, kosher meat requires that the animal/bird be slaughtered in the manner prescribed by the Torah (Shechita). (Fish do not have this requirement.) In this procedure, a trained kosher slaughterer (shochet) severs the trachea and esophagus of the animal with a special razor-sharp knife. This also severs the jugular vein, causing instantaneous death with no pain to the animal.

After the animal/bird has been properly slaughtered, its internal organs are inspected (bedika) for any physiological abnormalities that may render the animal non-kosher (treif). The lungs, in particular, must be examined to determine that there are no adhesions (sirchot) which may be indicative of a puncture in the lungs.

Further, animals contain many veins (e.g. Gid HaNashe) and fats (chelev) that are forbidden by the Torah and must be removed. The procedure of removal is called "Nikkur," and it is quite complex. In practice today, the hind quarter of most kosher animals is simply removed and sold as non-kosher meat.

Finally, since the Torah forbids eating of the blood, the blood of an animal or bird must be removed through a process of salting. The entire surface of meat must be covered with coarse salt. It is then left for an hour on an inclined or perforated surface to allow the blood to flow down freely. The meat is then thoroughly washed to remove all salt. Meat must be koshered within 72 hours after slaughter so as not to permit the blood to congeal. (An alternate means of removing the blood is through broiling on a perforated grate over an open fire.)

[phkrause]

28 Tammuz

Shiva Shortened by Yom Tov

My father passed away two days before Rosh Hashana, and we only sat in mourning for two days rather than the customary seven. I never did get the straight story why is that? Apparently it has something to do with the joy of a festival, but if so, then why shouldn’t Shabbat also cancel out the remainder of shiva?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father. All me to offer a few answers to your interesting question.

1) The great sage Chatam Sofer (YD 348) writes that a festival cancels the shiva because a festival annuls that phase of heavenly judgment on the soul of the deceased. These are deep kabbalistic matters that we do not fully understand.

2) On a more practical level, since the onset of Shabbat will always occur less than 7 days after the burial, Shabbat does not cancel the shiva because if it did, nobody would ever sit a 7-day shiva!

3) Here's another thought I'd like to share: Due to the joy of Shabbat, we do not practice any public mourning. But the joy of Yom Tov is qualitatively different.

Yom Tov is a time when the entire Jewish people would gather together in Jerusalem. The rule was that if someone was tame (ritually impure), that would be "waived" during the period of the festival. Otherwise, people would avoid contact with the tame person, thereby marring the joy of the festival for everyone. The joy of the festival and unity of the Jewish people were overriding considerations.

So I think the same idea applies here – the joy of the festival is so great that it overrides the imperative of mourning.

And what about the "therapy" for the bereaved that shiva provides?

I think the answer is found in the halacha that a kohen is restricted from attending funerals. (This is due to issues of ritual impurity, a separate discussion.) A regular kohen may attend the funeral of a close relative – spouse, parent, sibling, child. But the Kohen Gadol (High Priest) does not attend even the funeral of a close relative. On this, the 13th century "Sefer HaChinuch" asks your question: What about the therapy that mourning provides?

The answer is that the spiritual level of the Kohen Gadol is so high that it lifts him above these normal human emotions. In other words, he doesn't need the mourning, since a higher emotion has displaced the emotions usually associated with mourning.

If we understand how to properly tap into the power of Yom Tov, the same is true in that case as well. The joy of Yom Tov simply cannot coexist with mourning. That joy is so great that it "nullifies" the feelings of mourning.

To learn more about the power of Yom Tov, I suggest a beautiful, user-friendly volume called “Book of Our Heritage” by Rabbi Eliyahu Kitov (Feldheim.com).

[phkrause]

29 Tammuz

Redeeming First Born

We have a new baby boy and I heard something about having to "buy him back from a kohen." What do I have to do – and how much is this going to cost?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Mazal Tov!

You heard right. Pidyon Haben refers to the "redemption of the first born son," and is commanded in the Torah (Numbers 18:15). The reason we perform this mitzvah is to remind us about the Exodus from Egypt and how God killed the Egyptian first born, yet spared our first born. Also, since a person loves his first born so much, it is a fitting time to re-acknowledge the fact that everything we own in fact belongs to God. (Numbers 3:13)

The background for this mitzvah is somewhat complex, but here goes:

Originally, God intended that the first-born of each Jewish family would be a kohen – i.e. that family's representative to the Holy Temple. (Exodus 13:1-2, Exodus 24:5 Rashi)

But then came the incident of the Golden Calf. When Moses came down from Mount Sinai and smashed the tablets, he issued everyone an ultimatum: "Make your choice – either God or the idol." Only the tribe of Levi came to the side of God. At that point, God decreed that each family's first-born would forfeit their "kohen" status – and henceforth all the kohanim would come from the tribe of Levi. (Numbers 3:11-12)

Thus the mitzvah of Pidyon HaBen. Since the first-born child is technically a "kohen" whose potential cannot be actualized, then he has to be replaced (so to speak) by a kohen from the tribe of Levi. This is accomplished by the father of the baby offering the kohen a redemptive value of five silver coins for the boy.

There are many factors which determine when and if to perform this mitzvah. You will need to find a rabbi well-versed in Jewish law who can guide you through this procedure.

In general, Pidyon HaBen only applies to the son who "opened his mother's womb." Therefore, all the following conditions must apply:

1) The mother is Jewish, and she has never had a baby before, male or female.

2) The baby was delivered in the normal way, not via C-section.

3) The mother had no abortions or miscarriages prior to this birth.

4) The father of the baby is not a Kohen or a Levi, and the mother's father is not a Kohen or a Levi.

If the above conditions check out, then:

1) Find a kohen with a very strong tradition in his family that he is indeed a Kohen.

2) Get five silver coins. The specific kind of silver coins depends on where you are in the world. Ask your rabbi.

3) The Pidyon Haben ceremony is held after the baby is 30 days old, on the 31st day. It does not take place on Shabbos.

4) The ceremony is held in the context of a festive meal, and basically goes like this: The father attests to the fact that this is indeed his first born son. The Kohen then asks the father: "What do you want to do, give me your first born or redeem him?" (As far as I know, the father has never chosen to give up his son!) The father then makes two blessings, and gives the coins to the Kohen. Additional blessings are said; the full text is printed in the siddur.

If your baby does not meet the conditions for having a Pidyon HaBen, don't be concerned – there is no defect in his status. In fact, only about 1-of-10 families ever meet all the conditions for Pidyon HaBen.

As far as the cost of this mitzvah, don't let it worry you. The eternal reward for following God's will is much greater than five silver coins!

By the way, if someone was supposed to have a Pidyon HaBen as a child, but never did (i.e. their parents neglected to do so), then the obligation remains – and they should contact a rabbi ASAP to perform the ceremony.

May your new son grow up to be a great source of pride to your family, to the Jewish people, and to the Almighty!

[phkrause]

1 Av

Gender of God

Why is God referred to as "He"? If God is complete, then He should have both male and female characteristics.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

You are absolutely correct that God is neither male nor female.

Kabbalah, the Jewish mysticism, says that God is the ultimate mixture. He contains everything. In Hebrew, there is no gender-neutral term, so that's why in Hebrew, God is neither masculine nor feminine. He's both.

For example, consider the word "Shechina," which describes God's presence in our world - the feeling we have when standing on a mountaintop under the expanse of stars, in total awe. "Shechina" is a feminine word.

Other words used to describe aspects of God are masculine. The Kuzari explains that the male genital organs are external, which makes masculine reference appropriate for times when God's presence is in a revealed, "external" state.

The feminine genitals are internal and unexposed to the external eye, which is why the feminine word "Shechina" describes God's presence which is hidden, internal, and at times silent.

For more on this, see "The Gender of God" - www.aish.com/sp/ph/48964511.html

[phkrause]

2 Av

Sheep to the Slaughter?

I cannot fathom how 6 million Jews died in the Holocaust. Can you explain why so many people wouldn't fight for their life? They all heard the stories and some even managed to relay first-hand what they themselves had seen. I understand that many put their trust in God, but after so many bad things continued to happen, why not try to protect yourself? It seems that many people died because they believed that nothing bad could happen to God's chosen people and that “works makes one free!"

Can you help me understand how all this happened?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Regarding the issue of why the Jews did not rise to action, let us clarify:

1) Did any other group persecuted by the Nazis successfully rebel? Every group followed the Nazi's beck and call. Some of these groups even had weapons, unlike the Jews who were civilians (many women and children) and untrained in combat. By the end of the war, a few million Russian POW's had been killed by the Nazis. Why didn't these soldiers resist?

2) How could Jews rebel, knowing that any infraction of Nazi law was punished with the torture and murder of hundreds of other Jews in retribution. Who could risk that?

3) In truth, there were incidents of Jewish rebellion all over Europe. The famous examples were in the Warsaw ghetto and the death camp of Treblinka, where the inmates revolted and destroyed the camp. The few dozen survivors of Treblinka (of the 750,000 who entered) lived to testify against Eichmann in Jerusalem. There were also groups of Jewish partisans hiding out in practically every forest in Europe. They often had to fend off not only the Nazis but their former friends and neighbors as well.

A survivor of Auschwitz, Edith Reifer, writes in The Sun Will Rise (ArtScroll):

"This familiar accusation – that we were led to our deaths like sheep – makes me want to weep. We had no weapons, we were not organized. We had undergone months, in some cases years, of ghetto life, starvation, brutalization, terror, uncertainty. And they were so clever, so diabolically clever. The concealment lasted up until the very last moment. We knew that death was their ultimate intention for us. But the gas chambers were disguised to look like shower rooms? Notices, in many European languages, exhorted the victims to hang up their clothes, tie their shoes neatly in pairs, as they would need them afterwards. It was only once inside that they realized...

"The nauseous, sickly-sweet smell, which we later knew to be 'death,' hung over the camp like a pall. It was with you every waking moment, and settled over you as you slept. We all saw the black vans, the flames, although we tried to convince ourselves that it was rubbish they were burning. The fact is that this truth was always known to us, but there is a certain safety device which will not allow one to internalize 'too' much of the truth. It is this that keeps one alive."

One final idea: Ingrained in Jewish consciousness is the knowledge that we will survive against all odds. This trait leads to optimism that the situation will improve and a disbelief of such tragic reports as the existence of "death camps." This consciousness may mean that less risks were taken. But it also enabled many to hold tenaciously to their will to live – when others may have given up.

The whole argument is designed to turn the tables and make the Jews to blame for their own fate in the Holocaust. It is a great dishonor to the memory of the Six Million. In the end, given the choice between being a Holocaust victim or being a Nazi, I know what I would pick.

[phkrause]

3 Av

Son is Dating a Non-Jew

We raised our children in a home that observed all the major Jewish holidays. I made our children aware of their culture and heritage. Our son was bar mitzvahed and attended Hebrew school for five years. His friends were all Jewish as he grew up, and he attended March of the Living.

He is the last Jewish male in our family, since my one and only cousin is a female and I am an only child. If he has no Jewish sons, then our family line will die. Now he has a non-Jewish girlfriend and they are getting serious. He has the support of all her friends who are not Jewish.

I have made my feelings of opposition known. My wife says that if we are not careful we will lose him as a son, and that I should go easy on my remarks and actions.

I am heartbroken. What should I do?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The best solution is to raise serious doubts that this will work long-term. Some ideas:

1) Get them to discuss the topic of Jesus. It is the most deeply-engrained cultural difference between Jews and non-Jews. There's a video put out by the Reform Movement of America, a real-life documentary depicting a series of group therapy sessions for intermarried couples, designed to help them deal with the unique issues of intermarriage.

In this video, a Jewish woman says: "Our marriage was going smoothly until the birth of our baby boy. I was thrilled and wanted to arrange for a Mohel to do the circumcision. My husband thought I was crazy! He said, 'I won't allow that bloody, barbaric cult ritual!' We're supposed to be celebrating the birth of our child – and instead we we're having a terrible fight! He finally agreed to the Bris, but said, 'I'm sure you'll understand when I take the baby to be baptized.' I was shocked. Now I'm not sure our marriage is going to survive."

The video shows these couples – none of them religious – describing how the major obstacle in their marriage is the issue of Jesus. We don't always realize it, but belief in God is an essential part of our identity. Ask your son: Do you find the idea of praying to Jesus repulsive? Do you know that in the mind of your future spouse, Jesus is the ultimate image of yearning for spiritual transcendence? It's engrained from day one – the same way that your Jewish imagery is engrained.

A film like "The Passion" provides an opportunity to raise these issues. They will probably have highly diverse reactions to the film, and the anti-Semitism elements will be very difficult for them to reconcile. On the flip side, having them visit a Holocaust museum will also likely engender very different emotional reactions.

2) The problem of future children. Many intermarried couples say: "We're going to let our children choose their own religion. When they grow up they can choose what want. That way they'll get the best of both worlds."

But the reality is that children of intermarried couples suffer an identity crisis. One set of grandparents has a Christmas Tree, the other a Chanukah menorah. It's very confusing for a young person trying to forge an identity in an already-complex world. Children need to know who they are. They need to have a solid, unambiguous identity which gives them a place in the world. They need a spiritual tradition through which to experience lifecycle events, and to have a community where they feel at home.

And if the spouse has agreed to "raise your children Jewish," think again. Brandeis University researcher Sylvia Barack Fishman discovered that fully half of the intermarried couples that are “raising their children as Jews” hold Christmas and Easter celebrations in their homes!

Psychologists report that many "dual-religion" children express a great deal of anger at their parents for putting them in the middle of an issue that the parents themselves could not resolve. When a person has to choose one religion over the other, there is always the unconscious sense of choosing one parent over another. (The fact is that 92 percent of children of intermarriage marry non-Jews, effectively detaching themselves forever from the Jewish people. That's simply the default choice in our predominantly non-Jewish society.)

But imagine if the child becomes a committed Jew or Christian. What will this child think of the Jewish parent? If he becomes a believing Christian, he'll think the Jewish parent is going to hell for denying the faith! And if he turns to Judaism, he'll regard him as a traitor for having intermarried!

And what of his own spiritual awakening? People who do not profess a belief in any particular religion often turn back to religion later in life. A Gallup Poll showed that religious commitment is lowest from age 18-39 – precisely the time when people are making decision about who to marry. I have a folder of emails from intermarried people whose lives turned to horror when they (or their spouses) turned back to religion. The issues become insurmountable.

Finally, you will need to provide a positive reason in the addition to all these negatives. Ask: When there is a terrorist attack in Israel, all Jews care. Are you willing to fight for the Jewish people? Then go find a Jewish spouse you can share this with! Your children will be Jewish and your married life will be free of liabilities. You deserve it all and you can have it all!

Once you've raised sufficient doubt, you can advise to try a separation and ask: Do you need to be married to this person to find happiness in life, or would you be better off looking for someone else to marry? Until that trial separation, he does not have clarity about the right thing to do.

[phkrause]

4 Av

Violence against Jews

I shudder from all the terror against Jews – both in Israel and abroad. Synagogues bombed, shootings at Jewish Community Centers. Why would anyone do such a thing? It seems so unfair to single out Jews for this violence. How can this be prevented in the future? What should be the response of American Jewry? And what can I do to help?

Please! Help me understand this tragedy.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Make no mistake: These are attacks specifically against Jews. After the Los Angeles JCC shooter was arrested, he said it was "a wake-up call to America to kill Jews." Police also discovered a map with circles around Los Angeles Jewish landmarks like the Simon Wiesenthal Center, the University of Judaism and the Skirball Cultural Center.

So we have to ask ourselves: Why were the Jews targeted? And why have Jews been targeted for anti-Semitism in the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Pogroms, the Holocaust – and ever since the days of Abraham when King Nimrod threw him into a fiery furnace?

The Torah teaches that anti-Semitism will exist. The Talmud (Shabbos 69) declares:

"Why was the Torah given on a mountain called Sinai? Because the 'sinah,' the hatred of the Jews, emanates from Sinai." (Sinah, the Hebrew word for hatred, is pronounced almost identically to Sinai.)

Before the Torah was given, people built their lives on a subjective concept of right and wrong. At Sinai the Jewish people were told that there is one God who makes moral demands on human beings. You can't just live as you please; there is a higher authority you are accountable to.

The Jewish people were commanded to be a "Light Unto the Nations," to communicate the message of morality to the world. So despite the fact that Jews were never more than a tiny fraction of the world's population, Jewish ideas became the basis for the civilized world. And with that, the Jews became a lightening rod for those opposed to the moral message.

Hitler stated:

"Providence has ordained that I should be the greatest liberator of humanity. I am freeing man from the restraints of an intelligence that has taken charge, from the dirty and degrading self-mortifications of a false vision called conscience and morality, and from the demands of a freedom and personal independence which only a very few can bear." (from "Hitler Speaks" by Herman Rauschning)

Anti-Semitism cuts to the core of what it means to be a Jew. But tragically, some leaders have tried to skirt the issue by viewing the Los Angeles attack in a universalistic mode, "as an American issue, not a Jewish issue." By doing so, they reduce the incident to dumb luck. There is nothing to learn from this event, they say. The shooter could have picked any target; the Jews were simply in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

I disagree.

If we don't understand the root of anti-Semitism, then we have gained nothing from the experience, and we have created no barrier against its being repeated.

I recently heard an incredible story. A Russian who had immigrated to Israel brought his son to enroll in yeshiva, a school of Talmudic study. The dean of the yeshiva was a bit surprised, seeing that this man and his son were clearly not observant. "I'll gladly to enroll your son," said the dean, "but please tell me – why did you choose a yeshiva, rather than some secular school?"

"I'll explain," said the man. "When I was a little boy in the Ukraine, the Nazis came and ordered every male out into the town square. There, everyone was ordered to drop their pants. Whoever had a circumcision was shot on the spot.

"So I figured, if an anti-Semite like this should ever come again, at least my son should understand what it's for."

A recent rash of anti-Semitic incidents rattles the nerves. Statistics showed a total of 1,750 hate crimes in 1998, an average of nearly five per day. In California alone.

It seems to me that with all the options for assimilation in America today, every Jew has two choices: Either opt into the Jewish future, or opt out.

If monsters try to kill us because of our Jewish heritage and values, shouldn't we know what that heritage and those values are? If, G-d forbid, one should ever die because he or she is Jewish, what an even greater tragedy that the person died without knowing what it meant to be Jewish.

In the concentration camps, the Nazi guards wanted to humiliate the Jews and make them suffer emotionally. One time they took an Ark cover out of a synagogue, and hung it above the entrance to the gas chamber. "Let's see your God save you, now!" they mocked.

Then something extraordinary happened. Certain Jews, standing in line for the gas chamber, began dancing and singing in small circles. The Nazi guards were shocked – their fun was spoiled. What the guards did not realize was the meaning of the Hebrew words written on the Ark cover: "This is the gate of God, the righteous shall enter therein." (Psalms 118:20)

You see, the solution to anti-Semitism is the flip-side of the cause. Jewish values are the cause of anti-Semitism, and Jewish values are the solution. Only by studying Torah – and teaching it to others – can Jews ever hope to bring the world to a point where evil is eradicated.

When human beings embrace the moral doctrine that Judaism brought to the world from Sinai – that there is a God who demands ethical behavior from every human being – then there will be no holocausts.

And that is the exquisite irony of Jewish history.

[phkrause]

5 Av

Irrational Anti-Semitism

I recently saw that a full-page advertisement honoring four Israeli women (Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni, Supreme Court President Dorit Beinisch, and some others) was rejected by the editors at Ms. magazine. Why the double-standard of hatred against the Jews?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

For a publication that fancies itself at the forefront of women's rights, the rules are apparently different when the women are Israeli.

It never fails to amaze me. Israel is a bastion of pro-Western liberal democratic values, in a region dominated by dictators and fundamentalists. So why is the world constantly attacking Israel? It seems to me so irrational, and just another in the long line of historical anti-Semitism.

Anti-Semitism is definitely unique in its universality, intensity, longevity and irrationality - falling outside of normal sociological bounds.

Maybe the following will help explain. In 1987, President Chaim Herzog of Israel commissioned a colloquium on anti-Semitism. Professor Michael Curtis of Rutgers University spoke there about the reasons for anti-Semitism:

"The uniqueness of anti-Semitism lies in the fact that no other people in the world have ever been charged simultaneously with alienation from society and with cosmopolitanism, with being capitalistic exploiters and also revolutionary communist advocators. The Jews were accused of having an imperious mentality, at the same time they're a people of the book. They're accused of being militant aggressors, at the same time as being cowardly pacifists. With being a chosen people, and also having an inferior human nature. With both arrogance and timidity. With both extreme individualism and community adherence. With being guilty of the crucifixion of Jesus and at the same time held to account for the invention of Christianity."

And there you have the total irrationality of anti-Semitism!

[phkrause]

6 Av

Can God Lift the Rock?

Can God terminate His own existence? I've asked many people, and the only (unsatisfying) answer I got was: "Why would He want to?"

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

What you are asking is a version of the well-known riddle: "Can God create a rock too heavy for Him to lift?"

These and other similar questions are bothersome, because they imply a limitation in God's power: Either he is unable to create such a heavy rock, or He is unable to lift it.

There is a fundamental flaw in the question. The question assumes that infinities – an infinitely heavy rock and an infinite God – can be compared. But as we know from 10th grade math class, two infinities cannot be quantified, and thus cannot be compared. It's not an inability in God, but rather incoherence in the task proposed.

Stated a bit differently: If God is infinite, then He is represented by the numerical equivalent of "infinity." The question of making a rock of such proportions thus begs the question – which is greater, infinity, or infinity plus one? Essentially, there is no such thing as infinity plus one, for if you could add “one” to the mathematical value of infinity, then infinity in the equation, "infinity plus one" would, by definition, not be infinite. Clear?

In Jewish terms, the question is further flawed since it implies that physical characteristics apply to God. Yet one of Maimonides' 13 Principles of Faith states: "I believe with perfect faith that God does not have a body. Physical concepts do not apply to Him. There is nothing that resembles Him at all."

So can God terminate His own existence? Well... why would He want to?

[phkrause]

7 Av

Bitterness of Suffering

My friend's child was recently killed in a drive-by shooting (he was an innocent bystander) and she is so angry at God for taking him away. Can you offer a suggestion for how she can process this, because I don't want her to carry this anger around with her forever.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I've seen much suffering, and it seems to me that the key is "attitude." How people deal with it depends on what attitude they have. I have seen people whose attitude was of anger or hurt to such an extent that they never got beyond a particular event - which then became the defining moment of their lives. In a certain sense, life stopped at that particular moment.

On the other hand, I've seen people go through the most horrendous things, but their attitude was a positive one of believing in an ultimate good, of asking how I can learn and grow from this. It is incredible to see the inspiration they gave to others, and how they moved on with their lives. The contrast is vast between these two attitudes. Living with the concept of a good God is so much more uplifting and gives a person the ability to remain joyful and hopeful, and have the strength to go on and fight.

Some people who have suffered tragedies have found a degree of solace by setting up a fund or organization to help others, in memory of the departed one. This enables them to channel some of the great emotion into an area that offers a degree of comfort. See for example, the response of Seth and Shari Mandell to the brutal murder of their son.

People sometimes say they can't believe in God because the world is so full of suffering. But I have found that people who say that are rarely involved in working to alleviate the world's suffering. Those who are involved in healing the world's suffering rarely talk like that. When your life revolves around yourself, the world is a cold, sterile and unfriendly place. When your life revolves around giving to others, you feel how wonderful it is to be alive.

Bart Stern, a Holocaust survivor, told me of the time a man in Auschwitz was robbed of his daily ration of bread. Because of the starved and emaciated state of concentration camp inmates, this was tantamount to a death sentence. Bart gave the man some of his own bread.

He told me, "The many thousands of dollars I've given to tzedaka since then is nothing compared to that one piece of bread."

Bart had nothing to spare, but he nevertheless found the ability to give. Perhaps because of that, he was one of the gentlest and happiest men I ever knew. Auschwitz didn't make him bitter. It made him better.

[phkrause]

8 Av

Hunting

I always thought that was hunting was not a Jewish sport. But I recently read about a rabbi who took his congregants on a hunting safari of sorts. Is this acceptable?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Hunting animals for sport is viewed with serious disapproval by our Sages. (Talmud – Avoda Zara 18b; "Noda BiYehuda" 2-Y.D. 10)

While it is certainly true that hunting has never been thought of an activity that Jews do in their spare time, there are legal principles at stake as well. The great scholar Rabbi Yechezkel Landau (18th century Prague) listed several reasons why Jews should not hunt for sport:

1) It causes pain to animals, which is forbidden by Jewish law.

2) It senselessly destroys God's creations.

3) It is characteristic of the behavior of the evil Esau and Nimrod, who were both hunters.

4) It is indicative of cruel behavior. One of the 613 mitzvot is to emulate God. One of God's attributes is mercy, which is the antithesis of cruelty.

5) It is a dangerous activity.

To hunt for food would theoretically be permissible, if not for the fact that it is virtually impossible to slaughter an animal in accordance with Jewish law while hunting.

[phkrause]

9 Av

Atonement Today

I am a bit shocked by the Bible's emphasis on animal offerings. It seems quite violent and inhumane. Is that really what Judaism teaches?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The idea of how animal offerings worked is often misunderstood. Many believe that sacrifice was the only way to achieve atonement. Actually, atonement always was accompanied by sincere prayer, teshuva (spiritual return), and charity. Hoshea (8:13) decries people bringing offerings without making an attempt to get closer to God. For this reason, their offerings were rejected.

Animal offerings aided the atonement process, as they drove home the point that really the person deserved to be slaughtered, but an animal was being used in his/her place. The offering also helped atonement in many mystical ways. But we should not mistake the animal offering for more than what it is. It was an aid to atonement. I; it did not cause atonement.

Logically, how can one think that the death of an animal could atone for their sins? If a person were to commit an atrocity, such as murder, could one possibly think that slaughtering a cow and a sheep would atone for that sin? Of course not. God is not appeased by gifts and animal slaughter. God, the true judge, provides atonement for those who sincerely desire to fix their ways. An offering must be accompanied with the will to get closer to God (prayer), a promise to observe the words of the Torah more carefully (teshuva), and concern for God's creation (charity).

The verse says: "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit" (Psalms 51:19). This teaches us that a person who does teshuva is regarded as if he had ascended to Jerusalem, built the Temple, erected the Altar, and offered all the offerings upon it. (Midrash - Vayikra Rabba 7:2)

When a person transgresses a mitzvah in the Torah, he destroys some of his inner holiness. He cuts himself off from the Godliness that lies at the essence of his soul. When a person does teshuva -- "spiritual return" -- he renews and rebuilds the inner world that he has destroyed. On one level, he is rebuilding his personal "Temple" so that God's presence (so to speak) will return there to dwell.

Today, without the Temple service, one of the most powerful ways to teshuva is through the inspiration of prayer. In fact, the Talmud (Brachot 26b) says that's why the main "Amidah" prayer is recited at the exact same time that the daily offerings were sacrificed!

The text of the "Amidah" was formulated by prophets who knew how to awaken deep yearnings within the Jewish soul. Through prayer, we are to achieve a spiritual desire for a full and total connection to God.

The following is from the Jewish prayer book:

"Master of the Universe, You commanded us to bring the Daily Offering at its appointed time; and have the Kohanim perform their service, and the Levites sing and play music at the platform, and the Israelites attend at their stations. And now, because of our sins, the Holy Temple is destroyed and the Daily Offering discontinued. We have neither a Kohen at his service, nor a Levite on his platform, nor an Israelite at his station. However, you have said, 'Let the offerings of our lips replace bulls.' Therefore, let it be Your will, our God and the God of our ancestors, that the prayer of our lips be considered and accepted and regarded favorably before You as if we had offered the Daily Offering at its appointed time, and stood in attendance at its service."

Also, we have an oral tradition from the time of Moses (when the sacrifices started) that God considers the study of offerings as if the offering was actually brought. This is evident from Leviticus 7:37 in which it states, "This is the law of the elevation-offerings..." (Talmud - Menachot 110a)

(additional sources: "Noda Beyehuda" I, O.C. 35; "Chatam Sofer" Y.D. 236 & 318; "Kovetz Teshuvot Chatam Sofer" 59)

[phkrause]

10 Av

God Knowing the Future

If God is omniscient and knows the future, how can we have free will?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Dr. Gerald Schroeder, double-Ph.D. in Nuclear Physics and Earth and Planetary Sciences from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, explains:

God knows the end already. God knows the future, but not as a future. Having created time, God is outside of time. In such a dimension, future, past and present are meaningless. They are all simultaneous. The four-lettered Hebrew name of God, Y/H/V/H, is composed of the letters that spell in Hebrew "I was, I am, I will be." The three tenses fold into one eternal "now."

We, however, live in time. So for us, the future has not yet occurred.

Nature gives a hint of what it means to be outside of time. The laws of relativity have shown us that at the speed of light, time stands still.

To our perception, light travels for eight minutes as it moves from sun to Earth. But if we could move along with the light in its journey, we would record that zero time passed during the flight from sun to Earth.

Here on Earth, being inside of time, those eight minutes afford us the opportunity to choose among a variety of activities. Yet their beginnings and endings would appear as occurring simultaneously from the perspective of the light.

In this sense, although totally outside of human experience and so difficult to comprehend, God knows the ending even at the beginning.

[phkrause]

11 Av

Evolution and the Bible

Darwin seems to be well-accepted scientific fact. But given the Creation account in the Bible, is it reasonable to assume that Moses missed evolution?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Bible is well aware of evolution, although it is not very interested in the details of the process. All of animal evolution gets a mere seven sentences (Genesis 1:20-26). Genesis tells us that simple aquatic animals were followed by land animals, mammals, and finally humans.

That is also what the fossil record tells us, albeit with much more detail than these few biblical verses provide. The Bible makes no claims as to what drove the development of life, and science has yet to provide the answer.

In paleontology's record of evolution, first came the discovery that life appeared on Earth almost 4 billion years ago, immediately after the molten globe had cooled sufficiently for liquid water to form. This contradicted totally the theory of gradual evolution over billions of years in some nutrient-rich pool. The rapid origin of life remains a mystery.

Then we learned that some 550 million years ago, in what is known as the Cambrian explosion, animals with optically perfect eyes, gills, limbs with joints, mouths and intestines burst upon the fossil scene – with nary a clue in older fossils as to how they evolved. It is no wonder that Darwin, in his "Origin of the Species," repeatedly implored his readers (seven times by my count) to ignore the fossil record if they were to understand his theory.

The overwhelming weight of evidence tells us that something exotic certainly happened to produce life as we know it. Historically one of the most compelling arguments regarding the existence of God comes from the precision design found in nature. Design implies a designer, and Darwin’s proposal that evolution could have occurred without a Designer (by means of natural selection through random mutations) changed things.

On the verse, "Consider the days of old, the years of the many generations (Deut. 32:7)," the 13th century scholar Nachmanides explains that “Consider the days of old” refers to the Six Days of Creation and “The years of the many generations” refers to the time from Adam forward." Many leading rabbis who lived centuries before Darwin understood that when Adam appeared on the scene, the universe might have already been much older. Most notably, this is the opinion attributed to Rabbi Nechunia Ben Hakana who lived some 2,000 years ago, which is quoted by many mainstream, medieval commentators such as Rabbenu Bechaya, the Recanti, Tzioni, and the Sefer HaChinuch. Rabbi Yitzhak M’Acco, a student of Nachmanides, suggested based on kabbalistic calculations that the universe is thousands of millions of years old.

With regard to humans arriving on the scene, the Talmud (Chagiga 13b) states clearly that there were 974 generations prior to Adam. The famous Tifferes Yisrael commentary to the Mishnah wrote in 1842 (prior to publication of Darwin’s Origin of Species): “In my opinion, the prehistoric men whose remains have been discovered in our time and who lived long before Adam are identical with the 974 pre-Adamite generations referred to in the Talmud, and lived in the epoch immediately before our own.”

Of course, the key point where Torah and evolutionists diverge is on the question of “accident versus design.” Evolutionists say that life happened by accident; Judaism says that God made it happen.

What is the possibility that life and all the wonders of nature accidentally occurred?

According to Dr. I. Prigogine, recipient of two Nobel prizes in chemistry: "The statistical probability that organic structures and the most precisely harmonized reactions that typify living organisms would be generated by accident is zero."

Sir Fred Hoyle, the distinguished astronomer, writes: "No matter how large the environment one considers, life cannot have had a random beginning. Troops of monkeys thundering away at random on typewriters could not produce the works of Shakespeare — for the practical reason that the whole observable universe is not large enough to contain the necessary monkey hordes, the necessary typewriters, and certainly the waste paper baskets for the deposition of wrong attempts. The same is true for living material."

Believers in evolution must accept the idea that in thousands of examples throughout nature, two independent lines of mutations occurred in the same random way at each of 500 steps of development. With one million potential choices at each step (and even if only 100 of the 500 choices needed to be the same), the odds against success would be one in 10 to the 600th power. And this is only for one simple transition! For a complicated organ such as a wing or a kidney or an eye, the probability against such an accident would increase by the billions.

Darwin himself wrote in Origin of Species: "...If it could be demonstrated that any complex organ existed which could not possibly have been formed by numerous, successive, slight modifications — my theory would absolutely break down..."

Consider the Bombardier Beetle, a little bug equipped with a chamber of hydroginine and a second chamber of hydrogen peroxide. When combined, these two chemicals are explosive. But a mechanism inside the beetle keeps them separate. Yet when provoked by an enemy, the beetle heats the chemicals to the boiling point and squeezes them into a combustion chamber like igniting a rocket engine. The explosive material streams out of the beetle at a rate of 1,000 pulses per second. (Pulses, rather than a continuous stream, give the beetle a chance to cool itself.) The poisonous fuel is expelled through a nozzle which, much like the turret of a tank, can rotate in any direction, under the legs or over the back. The enemy is poisoned, the beetle is saved!

Could this all possibly have evolved by slow, steady, infinitesimally small Darwinian mutations? Which came first: the hydroginine or the hydrogen peroxide? One without the other is useless.

Which came first: the chemicals, or the independent chambers separating them? One without the other is useless.

Which came first: the chemicals, or the shooting mechanism? One without the other is useless.

The human eye is another example of coordinated evolution. In a private letter, Darwin expressed anxiety over what he called "organs of extreme perfection," and admitted that "the eye, to this day, gives me a cold shudder." (Life and Letters of Charles Darwin, London, 1888, Vol. 2, p. 273)

So there are many assumptions made in the name of science. From my perspective, the Torah tradition is the most purely rational approach.

To learn more, read:

• "The Science of God" by Dr. Gerald Schroeder (Free Press)

• "Permission to Believe" by Lawrence Keleman (Feldheim Pub.)

[phkrause]

12 Av

Stones on Graves

At the end of the movie Schindler's List, I saw people placing stones on the top of the headstone. What is the reason for this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

One idea is discussed in the Talmud (Eidiot 5:6): "Elazar Ben Hanoch was excommunicated. When he died, the court laid a stone on his coffin. From here we learn that if any man dies while under excommunication, they put a stone on his coffin." The Talmud (Smachot 5:11) also says: "An excommunicated person who dies is worthy of stoning. But not that they placed a heap of rocks upon him, rather a messenger of the court places a stone upon his coffin – in order to fulfill the mitzvah of stoning."

Rabbi Klonimus, who was buried next to the great Rabbi Ovadia M'Bartenura, asked that stones be placed on his grave, so that if he had committed any transgressions that warranted excommunication, this would atone for it. (Code of Jewish Law Y.D. 334:3)

But I think in today’s time, we follow a second reason for putting a stone a grave. Rabbi Yehudah Ashkenazi writes in Be'er Heitev, his 18th century commentary on the Code of Jewish Law (O.C. 224:8), that the custom of placing stones on the grave is for the honor of the deceased person by marking the fact that his grave had been visited.

In a similar custom, the Code of Jewish Law (Y.D. 376:4) says that upon visiting a gravesite, you pull up grass and toss it behind your back. This shows our belief in resurrection: Just as grass that withers can grow again, so will the dead rise in the messianic era. (source: Machzor Vitri 280)

[phkrause]

13 Av

Marrano Heritage

My mother's family comes from a long line of Marranos, the "secret converts" who fled Portugal in the 15th century and went to South America. A year ago I embarked on a search for who I really am. For me, attending Shabbat services, learning Hebrew, and taking steps toward keeping kosher is only the beginning. The Inquisitors won their battle with my ancestors, but they didn't win the war with me. I feel that I want to extend an inner arm back through the ages and "fetch" my Jewish roots. I am alive today because of my ancestors' sacrifice. I am desperately longing to immerse myself in a mikveh, to nail a mezuzah to the doorposts of a kosher home, to light Shabbat candles on Friday evenings.

The obvious question is: "Am I Jewish?" I am being very patient, but at the same time, I want to get on with living as a Jew.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Your beautiful letter reflects the yearning of a special soul.

If one's mother is Jewish, than so is the child. This means that the soul this person possesses has a deep longing to connect to the Almighty through Torah that can never be eradicated even through centuries of non-Jewish behavior.

It is a good idea to search for the tombstone of your mother's mother, as this can serve as proof for your Jewishness, as is sometimes necessary for people who are coming from very assimilated backgrounds. For Marrano ancestry, there is a web site set up just for these types of things, called "Kulanu" at www.kulanu.org

In the absence of real proof, you would need to undergo a conversion process in order to be considered Jewish. It is thus very important to develop a connection with a rabbi who you can sit with and ask your many questions. If you tell me what city you're located in, I'll be happy to recommend someone you could contact.

[phkrause]

14 Av

Fixing the World – Tikkun Olam

I often feel like I’m just spinning my wheels in the daily grind: Get up, shower, eat, go to work, come home, eat, go to sleep. And then do it all over again. Isn’t there more to life? How do I find it?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud asks: Why was Adam created alone? (As opposed to Adam and Eve being created simultaneously.) To teach you that every person is obligated to say, "For my sake alone the world was created." That doesn’t mean the world is mine to consume everything indiscriminately (although God does want us to enjoy the pleasures of this world).

What it does mean is that we must take responsibility for any problem in the world. If you recognize a problem – whether it be a piece of litter on the street or a major social issue that needs adjusting – you shouldn’t just say “someone else will deal with it.” There is nobody else. In God’s eyes, the rule is: You saw it, you fix it.

Consider the following true story:

In the 1980s when the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan there was a doctor named Robert Stone who was the head of the trauma medical center at UCLA. Stone said to himself, "I wonder who's providing medical care to the refugees inside Afghanistan?" It turned out that all of the regular medical organizations like Doctors Without Borders were staying away because the Russians were killing any doctors they found. Stone said to himself, "If nobody else is doing anything, then it's my responsibility."

He sold his house in Los Angeles and moved to Pakistan. He trained illiterate Afghani refugees how to be medics – how to extract bullets, splint broken bones, treat the dozen most common diseases, etc. Then he sent them back across the border into Afghanistan. That was the only medical care available in Afghanistan during the entire time the Russians were there.

Imagine the pleasure of being able to look back at that achievement as your own.

We all yearn for immortality – yet how do we achieve that? To set the world record for the 100-meter dash? To build the tallest skyscraper in Manhattan?

Of course not. Immortality is achieved by connecting ourselves to the global body of humanity. To treat the planet as a sacred trust, to preserve for future generations. As the Torah says: God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden – “to work it and to protect it” (Genesis 2:15).

To get started, imagine this: Someone has nominated you for the Nobel Peace Prize for services to mankind. The award carries a prize of 10 million dollars. You are to present yourself to the awards committee and report what you plan to do with the money if you win. What will you tell them?

[phkrause]

15 Av

The Right One

I’d like to settle down and get married, but I see so many of my friends getting married and then divorced after a few years. I don’t want this to happen to me. What advice do you have?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The first step is to make a list of all of the qualities you think are important in a future spouse. Traits that define a decent, honest, caring human should be "givens.” You absolutely need to trust and respect the person. A good way to measure this is to ask: Do I want my children to grown up to be like him/her?

Now look at the other qualities on your list. How vital are they? In the long term, things like looks and hobbies are much less important. The big thing to look for is life goals that are compatible with yours. Rabbi Nachum Braverman writes that Jewish wisdom defines marriage as "the commitment a man and a woman make to become one and to pursue together common life goals."

Couples may argue over a stray toothpaste cap, the style of a new couch or whose turn it is to get up with the baby, but no matter how heated these run-ins become, they should never destroy a marriage. Remember this rule of thumb: a marriage that is threatened by where to spend a vacation is a marriage that lacks the bond of common life goals.

Marriages dissolve when two lives are pointed in different directions. Conflicts over the color of a new kitchen can generally be resolved, but conflicts in direction often cannot. Couples rarely break up over clashes in taste, but they do break up over whether to give priority to career or family, over whether or not to have children, over the education of their children and over which religion. These are life goal issues. They are issues every individual needs to carefully consider before inviting someone else to share his or her life. Two people who don't know where they are going should never commit to getting there together.

Once all this is in place – this person has good character, you trust and respect them, and you share common life goals – the “final ingredient” is physical attraction. This does not means Hollywood-style fireworks, but rather a general sense that this person has pleasant physical features. The stronger attraction will grow as it is mixed with the emotional bond that is deepened over time.

For more insights, check out the excellent dating advice columns at: www.aish.com/d/

[phkrause]

16 Av

Suicide

My best friend’s brother just committed suicide. My friend is quite inconsolable, both because of his brother’s death and also the tragic circumstances. He is angry at his brother for doing this. Can help put this into perspective for me?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The first thing to know is that we don’t “own” our bodies. Our body – and our very life – is a gift, on loan from the Creator. We are entrusted to care for it and nurture it, and do nothing to shorten its lifespan.

Someone who commits suicide is considered a murderer. It matters not whether he kills someone else or himself. His soul is not his to extinguish.

Judaism's opposition to suicide is found in the story of Noah's Ark. After the flood, God says to Noah: “Your blood which belongs to your souls I will demand; from the hand of every beast will I demand it. From the hand of every man; from the hand of every man who is his brother will I demand the life of man” (Genesis 9:5).

The Talmud (Baba Kama 90b) learns from the first part of the verse, "And surely the blood of your lives I will demand," that one may not wound his own body. All the more so, he may not take his own life.

Committing suicide intentionally is a great sin, which causes the person to be cut off from the afterworld. When a person commits suicide, the soul has nowhere to go. It cannot return to the body, because the body is destroyed. And it is not given entrance to the soul world, because its time has not come. This state of limbo is very painful. A person may commit suicide because he wants to escape, but in reality he is getting a far worse situation.

When a Jew commits suicide, he is not permitted a full Jewish burial, and there is even a debate whether shiva (the seven-day mourning period) is observed and whether the Kaddish prayer is said.

In practice today, however, suicide is usually treated as a normal death, since it is assumed that the person was not of sound mind, and cannot be held responsible for his action. But we still see the gravity by which Judaism views suicide.

(sources: Minor Tractate S'machot II; Chatam Sofer - Y.D. 326; “HaElef Lecha Shlomo" by Rabbi Shlomo Kluger - Y.D. 321)

[phkrause]

17 Av

Cholov Yisrael Milk

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision. Many people, however, do not rely on this, and will only eat dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk").

The main reason for requiring Cholov Yisrael is to make sure that no non-kosher milk is mixed in. For this, it is enough to be certified as genuine cow's milk. That is why you will see many products in America with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol, as even though the milk was not watched by a Jew, it can be assumed to be kosher.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under very limited conditions, like an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is good enough, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

All other dairy products like cheeses and butter, which may have non-kosher ingredients added, always need kosher certification.

There are additional esoteric reasons, and because of this it is advisable to try and use only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

[phkrause]

18 Av

Giraffe Burgers?

Hi, I’m standing here in the zoo and want to know if giraffes are kosher. Thank you very much!

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The giraffe is a kosher species, since it has the two kosher characteristics of cloven hooves and chewing its cud.

So why don’t we eat giraffes?

Let's first dispense with the myth that we don't know exactly what spot on the long neck to shecht it. Actually, since Shechita is permitted anywhere on the neck, this cannot be the problem. (source: Tosefta Chullin 1:11; Code of Jewish Law YD 20:1-2; "Tzohar" p. 262, by R' A. Ben-David).

The real reason we don’t eat giraffes is because we no longer have a continuous tradition of eating this species, and we may not introduce any animals that we do not have a distinct tradition, even if they possess all the kosher signs. (source: Shach Y.D. 80:1 and Chochmat Adam; Chazon Ish Y.D. 11:4)

Although Rav Sa'adya Gaon (in "Tafsir HaTorah"), Rabbenu Yona, Radak, and others translate "Zamer" (listed among the ten types of kosher animals in Deut. 14:5) as the giraffe, we follow the opinion of Rashi (Chullin 80a) and Ibn Ezra (Deut. 14:5) that we do not have an accurate tradition for what is the "Zamer."

There is an additional, practical reason for not eating giraffes. It would probably cost the exorbitant price of $100 per pound, even if they would be produced en mass.

But don't worry. When Moshiach comes and re-establishes the Sanhedrin in Jerusalem, this issue will be resolved. Then we could all go out for 15-foot giraffe deli sandwiches. I can hear it now: "Pass the mustard and the ladder, please!"