Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

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#767   Use Mistakes to Deepen Trust & Intimacy

Utilize all that happens as an opportunity for growth. When your spouse makes a mistake, you have a chance to be compassionate and sensitive. You have a chance to judge favorably. You have a chance to fulfill the mitzvah of loving another person as yourself by treating your spouse the way you would wish to be treated when you make a mistake.

You have a chance to communicate love and concern. You have a chance to elevate your power of speech by helping to alleviate any distressful feelings over the mistake, instead of adding to it.

Think of the wonderful possibilities!

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book entitled "Marriage" - ArtScroll Publications, 1998, Chapter One, p.58)

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#768   Learn From Other Couples

A basic Torah principle is that there are no accidents in this world. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Throughout your life, G-d will send you messages. The wise person learns from everyone (Pirkei Avos 4:1). Be wise and learn from all the messages that have been sent your way in the past and those that will be sent your way in the future. Every time you see a couple interact it can be educational. Even listening to the way a newly married couple or to an elderly couple speak together in a line at the supermarket can teach you something. At times you will hear a positive way of talking that you can emulate.

At other times, you will hear a negative way of talking that you may find similar to your own. This can be a wake-up call for change.

There are also situations which will enable you to feel fortunate for your own situation. You will gain greater appreciation and gratitude for what you previously might have taken for granted.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book entitled "Marriage" - ArtScroll Publications, 1998, Chapter Two, p.113)

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#769   Reflect Back Love and Respect

Maintaining love and respect when our spouse doesn't talk to us the way we wish is difficult. Maintaining love and respect when we feel unloved or disrespected is exceedingly difficult.

We all want to be loved and respected. This is a basic and universal need. Responding to a lack of love and respect with anger, resentment, animosity, and hatred is likely to increase these qualities in the other person. This will then increase the probability that you'll be on the receiving end of more of what you don't want!

If, however, we can transcend ourselves and reflect sincere love and respect - even to someone who lacks these feelings towards us, we increase the chances of receiving what we do want. This wisdom is found in Proverbs 27:19: "As water reflects a face back to a face, so one's heart is reflected back by another."

What would you like to see reflected back to you when you look in a pond? A smile or a frown? It's your choice. Whatever you wish to see, that is the model of what you need to project. This is the secret of how to influence someone to feel more positive towards you.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book entitled "Marriage" - ArtScroll Publications, 1998, Chapter Two, p.91)

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#770   Hearing the Messages

There is nothing greater in the world that can give a person serenity and tranquility than awareness of the Almighty and trust in Him. This awareness is the tried and true method to alleviate all of a person's emotional pain. It will calm the spirits of the brokenhearted. This is the best path to tranquility in the world.

Today, when someone happens to throw you off balance, stop and ask yourself: "What is God trying to tell me?"

(see Rabbi Chaim Zaitchyk - Maayanai Hachaim, vol.3, p.175; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#771   Encourage People to Refrain From Causing Pain With Their Words

Every time you speak to someone you have the power to choose words that will strengthen, lift up, energize, elevate, inspire, encourage, enlighten, support, benefit, and help your listener in some way.

Misusing words to insult, hurt, belittle, slight, offend, disparage, put down, and cause needless pain to other human beings is a violation of the Torah prohibition against causing pain with words.

A lot of people don't realize that it is an actual Torah violation to cause pain with words. Insults, putdowns, mocking, making fun of, and any form of non-verbal communication that causes emotional distress is included in this Torah prohibition.

When you use your power of words to make someone feel good, you are doing an act of kindness. You are elevating yourself spiritually and emotionally. You are making a friend or strengthening an already existing friendship. You are doing a great mitzvah. You are being a positive factor in someone's life.

When people misuse the power of words to make someone feel bad, it is an act of meanness and even cruelty. They are lowering themselves spiritually and emotionally. They are making an enemy or strengthening hate. They are committing a serious transgression. They are being a negative factor in someone's life.

Be careful not to cause pain with your words, and encourage other people to be careful not to cause pain with their words. This awareness is very important for parents and for teachers who serve as role models for their children. Those who utilize their power of speech in positive ways will have children who emulate their positive patterns.

 

(Rabbi Pliskin's "Encouragement", chapter 46)

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#772   See Yourself as Someone Who Encourages Others in Positive Ways

View yourself as someone with a high priority to encourage others in any way you can and being an encouraging person will become part of your identity. Every time you think about encouraging others or actually say encouraging remarks, you strengthen that identity. Your self-image has a major impact on your thoughts, speech, and actions. As you improve your self-image, you will automatically change how you think, speak, and act.

When you identify as an encourager, you are much more likely to continue learning what to say to encourage others. The stories you read and hear will help you master the ability to encourage more people in more ways.

In order to qualify as an encourager, you don't need a medical degree and you don't need a license. You just need a sincere desire to help fellow human beings, even before you utter an encouraging word.

The more you know about other people and the more you learn about how to encourage various individuals, the more effective you will be. But the will to encourage is the starting point. Decide right now that your self-image includes being a person who loves to encourage others. Think, "I look for opportunities to make a difference in people's lives by encouraging them."

Encouraging other people to improve their own self-images can have a major impact on their lives.

Our subjective thoughts about ourselves create our self-image. Two people might have similar strengths, intelligence, positive qualities, and achievements, but focus differently and therefore have different self-images. One might focus on his lack of strengths, smarts, and achievements, and on his negative qualities. The other person might focus on his current strengths, intelligence, positive qualities, lifetime achievements, and potential achievements in the future. Which one has a positive self-image?

Encourage people to have a realistic view of themselves while maintaining a positive self-image, and you will be doing them a lifelong act of kindness.

(Rabbi Pliskin's "Encouragement", chapter 49)

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#773   Learn From Your Mistakes

When you utilize your mistakes as learning experiences to help you improve in the future, you grow from the experience. Therefore, the Talmud (Gittin 43a) says that a person does not have an entire grasp of a Torah concept until he has erred in it. Making a mistake can lead to greater clarity about how to prevent more serious mistakes in the future! The fool is someone who fails to learn from his mistakes and continues repeating them.

Think of a mistake you feel bad about. Now view that mistake as a learning experience. Realize how the lessons would have been missed had you not made that mistake. This will put the "mistake" into a whole new perspective.

(see Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv - Chochmah Umussar, vol.1, p.144)

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#774   Encourage People to Increase Kindness in Their Words and Actions

The Torah concept of loving to do acts of kindness means that you feel great pleasure when you can say something kind or serve and help others. It's not a bother to help others. Rather it's a privilege and a wonderful opportunity to do something meaningful with your life.

Saying something kind doesn't cost anything. Even people with extremely limited financial and material resources can say kind words to others. If you can't help someone yourself at the moment, find others who can help and will.

Each and every day look for something kind you can say or do. Learn lessons from every kind person you meet or observe. When you hear stories about kindnesses, store those precious resources in your mind's library for future reference if you can't apply the lessons immediately. You might be able to do something similar in a smaller way. Eventually an opportunity might arise allowing you to help in ways that you previously weren't able to help.

Imagine yourself doing great acts of kindness. Imagine yourself encouraging others to be kind. This imagery elevates you and makes it more likely that you will actually do many acts of kindness in the future.

Kind people are happy people. When you do an act of kindness, the pleasure part of your brain is activated. Your brain actually produces hormones that give you pleasure. We humans enjoy contemplating and reflecting on kindness.
 

(Rabbi Pliskin's "Encouragement", chapter 52)

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#775   Grow From Your Mistakes

Your feelings of self-worth need not depend on any external situation. Every human being has intrinsic value regardless of what he does. If you make mistakes and transgress, do not feel discouraged and lose your feelings of importance. There is no greater danger than that. Rather, when you have transgressed, strengthen yourself to elevate above those transgressions.

Keep your mind focused on your great potential for accomplishment. Regardless of how much wrong you have done in the past, you can always improve.

(Rabbi Noson Tzvi Finkel - Tnuas Hamussar, vol.3, p.273; Gateway to Happiness, p.130)

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#776   Learn From Your Anger Tests

Anytime you become angry, view that as a lesson to gain more insight into yourself. What pushed your button?

Recall experiences when you didn't become angry, even though others might have. Be aware of what thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs enabled you not to become angry in the first place.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge, pp. 111-5; and see Anger: The Inner Teacher)

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#777   Pass Along Life's Lessons

It is a praiseworthy achievement to overcome a phobia, limitation, or bad habit.

But a greater achievement is when that person shares his knowledge and experiences with others who have similar phobias, limitations, and habits. Not only are they helped, but they can pass on this knowledge to others, creating an expanding benefit from the original sharing.

Consider: If this information were to have remained in the first person's brain cells, it would have eventually disappeared without accomplishing a fraction of what it accomplished by being passed along.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book Kindness)

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#778   For the Rest of Your Life

I met an elderly person who lived alone and had many physical problems and financial challenges. Yet this person was highly upbeat and happy. I wondered how he was able to experience such positive emotions with the difficulties he faced. I asked him about his life experiences and what were the most important lessons he learned about life that I could share with others.

A key point that he told me was, "When something goes well for you, be grateful for it for the rest of your life. I had a happy childhood. My childhood was happy no matter what else happened to me later on. For my entire life I can be grateful for the many things I enjoyed when I was growing up. I can be grateful for all the positive memories my late wife gave me. I can be grateful for the good things that people did for me throughout my life. Some of the people I am grateful towards are no longer alive. But my feelings of gratitude towards them remain."

"But isn't it difficult to keep on feeling grateful for what is no longer here?" I asked him.

"No. Once this becomes your habitual way of thinking it's automatic. It's not hard at all. I've met people who are angry and resentful towards people who are no longer alive. It makes a lot more sense to keep up the positive quality of being grateful."

(From Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: THANK YOU! Gratitude: Formulas, Stories, and Insights: Artscroll Publishers)

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#779   An Hour of Gratitude

There is a powerful exercise that will greatly help you upgrade your level of gratitude. Designate an hour a day to be your hour of gratitude. During this hour keep your focus on gratitude.

Isn't an hour a long time to do this? Yes, it is. When you actually do this exercise for a month, you will find the benefits so great that you will make the effort to keep it up for an hour a day tremendously worthwhile.

And what about spending an hour a day focusing and thinking about what you don't like, what you are unhappy about, what you are resentful about, what you are envious of, what you find frustrating, what's not happening that you want to happen, what might go wrong in the future (also known as worrying), what has already gone wrong in the past. Isn't an hour a long time to spend on thinking these thoughts? Yes, it is. And many people would find it a great blessing to only think these thoughts for just one hour a day and the rest of the day to think more pleasant and enjoyable and beneficial and growth-oriented thoughts. Making a resolution to designate an hour a day reserved for thoughts of gratitude will make it easier for you to overcome a tendency to think thoughts that create stress and distress.

"But I don't have that many things to be grateful for," some people might argue. "You would be surprised!" is the answer. Try it out and you will find that you have much more to be grateful for than you usually are aware of.

If you go to a store to buy something, be grateful that the store is there. Be grateful that you have the money to buy what you want to buy, or that someone is willing to lend you the money, or that a store is willing to give you credit.

If you meet someone you know, be grateful that you have people who are friendly towards you.

If the telephone rings, be grateful that you can hear.

If you see anything, be grateful that you can see.

If you have food to eat, be grateful for that food.

If you read something, be grateful that your brain is functioning and you know how to read.

If you smile to yourself in a mirror, be grateful that you have the positive feedback that will help you master positive states.

If you begin to feel irritated or upset over something and remember that this is your hour of gratitude, be grateful that your memory is working and that you have things to be grateful for and that you can access a gratitude state rather than an unpleasant one.

If someone else needlessly makes a negative comment, you can say, "This is my hour of gratitude, and I would be very grateful to you if you could point out some things we can be grateful for during this hour."

(From Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: THANK YOU! Gratitude: Formulas, Stories, and Insights: Artscroll Publishers)

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#780   Encourage People to Repeat These Eight Words: "Joyful Thoughts, Joyful Feelings, Joyful Words, Joyful Actions"

I have personally found that repeating the following eight words is a great tool to improve my mood and emotional state: "Joyful thoughts. Joyful feelings. Joyful words. Joyful actions." Encourage yourself and the people around you to repeat the words in a positive tone of voice for the happiest results.

Those who are open to joyfully repeating these words while looking at themselves in a mirror have found that it works even stronger and better. The visual and auditory cues work together in a great combination that increases one's happy hormones.

Throughout the day, repeat, "Joyful thoughts, joyful feelings, joyful words, and joyful actions."
You can even make it a habit to repeat, "Joyful thoughts. Joyful feelings. Joyful words. Joyful actions," whenever you wonder what time it is. It's time to say: "Joyful thoughts. Joyful feelings. Joyful words. Joyful actions."

(Rabbi Pliskin's "Encouragement", chapter 55)

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#781   Build On Your Successes

Every time you accomplish anything, you do so based on your inner resources - your traits, emotional states, talents, and skills. These are all gifts from your loving Father and King, Creator and Sustainer of the universe.

Once you have actualized potential, it is yours for a lifetime. From there, you can keep building. Knowing this will give you a sense of confidence that will enable you to accomplish much more in the future.

Be aware of what prevents you from accomplishing even more than you already are.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge,"pp. 101-2)

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#782   See Both Sides

Develop the habit of seeing things from the viewpoint and perspective of the other person.

Apply this when you find yourself disagreeing with someone. Even though you might still disagree, you will be able to address the specific concerns of the other person - instead of just repeating your point over and over again.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," pp.125-7)

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#783   Cherishing Opportunities

When someone deeply loves another person, he cherishes opportunities to express that love by coping with hardships for the sake of that person.

Similarly, a person who loves the Almighty will cherish periods of suffering as opportunities to express his love and devotion.

(Mesilas Yeshorim, ch.19; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.252)

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#784   Material Worries

A person who places his main focus on spiritual growth will not worry about material matters. He wants material goods for their function as tools for his spiritual needs. He therefore feels assured that he will be supplied with whatever he needs to meet his spiritual needs. If he lacks something, he realizes that he does not have a spiritual need for it.

(Michtav M'Eliyahu, vol.1, p.206; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.164)

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#785   Shelve Those Worries

At times you may be obsessed with certain worries.

You do not want to worry the entire day. A useful technique is to set aside time slots for giving thought to those matters. When a worry arises during the rest of the day, tell yourself, "Now is not the time for worry. At 9:00 this evening I will think about it, but not now."

This gently pushes away worries, and gives you confidence that you have control.

(Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.168)

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#786   Acceptance Lessens Sadness

Sadness is a negative trait because at the root of sadness is selfishness. Feelings of sadness come from thinking too much about oneself. A sad person thinks: "I should have more than I do. I am missing a lot."

A person who thinks this way should realize that there is no reason why things should be any different than they are (although he would like them to be). That will make it much easier to accept reality.

If something can be changed, try to change it for the better. If it cannot be changed, demanding that things be different makes you needlessly unhappy.

(from Rabbi Aharon of Karlin; Dor Daiah, vol.1, p.167; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.172)

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#787   Focus On The Roses

"A person who gathers honey will not escape being stung by bees. A person who gathers roses will not escape being scratched by thorns."

The positive things in life also have negative aspects. Keep your focus on the beautiful roses of the world, and the thorns will seem trivial and inconsequential.

(Keser Chochmah 18:4; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.239)

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#788   Move Beyond Mistakes

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch wrote that even the most depressing awareness of having committed wrong need not irredeemably rob you of good spirits. Once you recognize your wrong deed, do not cover it up and let it gnaw at you. Rather view your act in a clear light, admit it to yourself and before the Almighty, and try to make up for it as best as possible.

Before the Almighty, earnestly promise to avoid such harmful acts in the future. From this determination, you can regain the serenity which is essential to fulfilling your goals and responsibilities.

(From the Wisdom of Mishle, p.222; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.224)

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#789   Ground Your Worries

Frequently people jump to the conclusion that they have a problem, when in reality there is nothing to worry about. To overcome this tendency, make it a practice to look closely at the available facts. By carefully investigating the situation, it will often show that your original worries were groundless.

(Tnuas Hamussar, vol.1, p.132; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.158)

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#790   Resolve Your Worries

When you are worried, pinpoint exactly what you are worried about, and then try to think of solutions to the real problem.

For example, if you're worried about how to make a living, your anxiety level might be commensurate with someone who's worried that they'll starve to death!

But is that really the case? Most likely, you have the necessary talent to deliver mail, work in a factory, clean floors, or similar jobs. Perhaps such jobs do not enable you to utilize your potential, or you feel they are below your dignity, or will be very boring. So realize then that your real problem is pride or boredom, not starving to death. Your worry level will be decreased if you realize the exact nature of the problem.

Now that your question is how to make a boring job more interesting or how to use your potential, you can make an inventory of all your skills, hobbies, and interests -- and figure out how to best utilize them to earn a living.

(Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.158)

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#791   Relive Positive Memories

Recall the good things that happened to you in the past. If you mentally relive those experiences, you will be in a much better state of mind to deal with the present more efficiently.

Keep a list of the good things that have happened to you. When you feel sad, take out your list and read it over. Think especially about those things you felt joy over when you first obtained them, things you still have. By recalling your original joy, you will feel better now.

Sad people tend to talk about their misfortunes and this causes them needless misery. They should form the habit of talking about the positive experiences of their life. When you talk about positive experiences and thoughts, they have a positive effect on your emotional state. By doing this a few times, you build up your confidence in your ability to evoke positive emotions.

(Hishtapchus Hanefesh; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.181)