Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

[phkrause]

True Love

Love is a concept that is often distorted. For example, someone will say that he loves fish. But what does he do with fish? He cuts them up, cooks them, and then swallows them. He doesn't really love fish, he loves himself!

The Torah definition of love is feeling positive about someone because you appreciate his positive traits. When your love for someone is based totally on love for him (and not on self-love), you will have great patience. In the Torah, Jacob waited seven years before marrying Rachel!

Today, ask yourself if your "love" for others is based on your perception of how they can benefit you, or based on your perception of their positive qualities.

[phkrause]

Focus On The Positive

If a person consistently talks about the faults of others, he will usually overlook even the most obvious positive attributes of those same people.

Today, think of someone that you often degrade, and try focusing on one positive quality of that person.

[phkrause]

Find Positive Perspectives

Find positive, resourceful, elevated, creative, spiritual attitudes and perspectives, for various situations, events, and occurrences.

Masters of this skill think and analyze. If their original way of looking at something is not helpful -- all the more so if it has proven counterproductive -- they choose better attitudes, perspectives, frames, cognitions, outlooks, or evaluations. They realize that their initial response may not be the best and the wisest. So they pause to think for a moment and to find improved ways to view events and situations.

[phkrause]

Insults Are Subjective

Insults are based on the insulter's subjective point of view. Realize that the person is making a "to me" statement. For example, he is saying, "To me you seem selfish." Ask yourself, "On what is he basing his insult? Is it based on fact or opinion?" Then ask yourself, "Do I agree with his basic assumptions?"

If you let someone's insult bother you, it implies that you consider his opinion of you to be more important than your own opinion of yourself. Actually, if you agree with he says, try to improve yourself. If you disagree, disregard the insult.

[phkrause]

When to Upgrade Your Level of Trust

How can you tell when you need to upgrade your level of emunah and bitochon? Your nervous system gives you feedback. View anxiety and nervousness as a message, "Time to elevate your level of emunah and bitochon." Don't become upset about this. That's not very helpful. Rather, be appreciative of the feedback. The message you are receiving is immensely valuable.

[phkrause]

Listing What You Have

Internalize the attitude that regardless of how many things you do not have, you can still be happy if you keep your focus on what you do have. Make a list of possessions, talents, and good qualities you have and whenever you catch yourself becoming obsessed with something you lack, review your list.

[phkrause]

You Can Always Improve

Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz frequently said: Be especially careful if you feel you have gone down in your spiritual level. There is danger when one feels he has failed spiritually. He is likely to give up completely, and in panic might commit many wrongdoings.

Even if you feel you are on a low rung, strengthen yourself wherever you presently are. If you take an optimistic view of your situation and feel confident that you can improve, you will be able to elevate yourself.

[phkrause]

Make It Positive

When someone else speaks to you, what they say and how they say it creates either positive energy or the opposite.

Also, when you speak to yourself, you are the one who chooses whether the energy will be positive or negative. Be totally resolved to consistently create positive energy.

[phkrause]

Accentuate The Positive

Consciously make an effort to fill your mind with positive thoughts. Practice focusing on the hundreds of positive aspects of your life. Be aware of your ability to see, talk, walk, etc.

Thoughts always keep racing through your mind, so gently keep your focus on all the positive details of your life. Realize that you are the one who chooses what thoughts to dwell on. Choose those thoughts which enhance your life.

[phkrause]

A Lack In Perspective

Some people make themselves sad over trivial matters. Any objective observer will look on in amazement. This person had the ability to live his life with feelings of happiness, since he truly does have what he needs. Yet he feels miserable because of minor and unimportant things. He views what he is missing as extremely important -- and what he does have pales in comparison! He even thinks that life is not worth living without what he's presently missing!

[phkrause]

Courage is Relative

Courage is subjective and relative. For example, some people are naturally assertive. They can easily speak up. They can easily ask others for things. They can easily ask questions. They can easily stick up for their rights.

Others are naturally intimidated. They would rather do without, than say things that everyone would agree they have a right to say. For them, asking for what they need is an act of courage.

Asking questions is an act of courage. Sticking up for rights is an act of courage.

[phkrause]

We Have All Dropped a Few

Excessive guilt feelings for past failings will prevent you from doing more good deeds in the present.

Focus on doing as many good deeds as possible. Imagine a person with a limited time to collect diamonds from a large pile. Whatever he puts in his sack is his. In his haste he might accidentally drop a few. Only a fool would stop collecting more and bemoan his misfortune. Any sensible person would keep focused on the many diamonds he is still able to collect, and work diligently to pick up as many as he can. What is lost is truly a great loss, but he still has an immense amount of wealth to gain by gathering more.

A person who has failed to do some good deed is in a similar situation. If he merely keeps telling himself he is an awful person, it will keep him from trying to do as many good deeds as possible in the present.

Diligently try to do as much good as possible in the present. Every good deed we perform is a valuable jewel. The wise person gathers as much spiritual wealth as possible.

[phkrause]

Judge Yourself Favorably

Years of guilt feelings over a specific matter can sometimes be overcome in a surprisingly short time if a person adopts a different perspective in viewing the matter. Frequently, people blame themselves unnecessarily. If you have irrational guilt feelings, give yourself a speech why you need not blame yourself. Take a piece of paper and write a list of ways to judge yourself favorably. Be careful not to do this with matters you should really try to correct. We are referring only to irrational guilt feelings, not to situations where a person wants to rationalize his failure to make difficult, but necessary, changes.

If you find it difficult to judge yourself favorably, ask yourself, "How could I judge someone else favorably in this matter." Guilt-ridden people often find it easier to excuse others than to excuse themselves and this can be utilized as a tool for lessening their own blaming thoughts.

[phkrause]

Collecting Resourceful States

Every time you experience a positive, resourceful state, that state is stored in the immense library of your brain. By giving your positive states names you will be able to retrieve them just as you can retrieve a computer file by typing it's filename. This idea is so valuable and so important for every aspect of your life that it makes sense to make mastery of your present states a high priority.

There are many standard names for some of the states you want to experience over and over again. These include: joy, courage, being calm and serene, patience, concentrating, being enthusiastic, self-mastery and self-discipline, and you can include any of your favorite others.

How do you create and access states? One way is to speak and act in ways that are consistent with that state. Another way is to remember times and moments when you were already in a specific state. Memories of being in a positive state access that state from your brain to the rest of your mind and body.

How do you collect resourceful states? Every time you are in an especially positive state give that state a unique name. You can even use your imagination to create great states and then those states have an actual physiological reality. You can name resourceful states after great people and other role models for that state. I advocate collecting states in alphabetical order, but you can use any order you prefer.

Think of your most joyful moments. What names do you want to give each of those states? You can create a name after a specific victory or success: "Winning the game state." Or, "Being given an award state." It could be that something especially wonderful happened to you. Name the state after the event, situation, place or people associated with it. Think of your calmest most serene moments. You might name your state after a specific place: for example, "Peaceful garden state." "On top of Mount Everest state." Think of your most confident and courageous moments. Give those states names. Think of your most creative and insightful moments. Give those states names.

Forty-three years ago when I went to Telshe Yeshiva, on the first day as I entered his room for my acceptance test, my teacher, the late Rabbi Mordechai Gifter said to me in his usual resonating, powerful voice, "Good morning, Zelig! How are you today?" Now each morning when I wake up, after expressing gratitude for another day of life, I repeat the name of this state. The feelings of that moment, along with the many lessons I learned from my teacher come back to me. Reading your list of states will be like giving your brain a mental warm up. This will make you more aware of the positive states you experience in the future. Mastery of your states will upgrade your reaching your most important goals. It will help you develop your character traits and it will upgrade your self-image.

[phkrause]

Breathe Serenely

Master the art of breathing serenely. Since you are continuously breathing the entire day, this is the most powerful and effective tool for creating the peaceful feelings that are conducive for patience.

As soon as you begin to feel impatient, let the feelings you experience be the start of your focusing on the gift of oxygen. As you exhale, feel all stress and tension leaving. As you inhale, feel the fresh oxygen traveling from head to toe relaxing every muscle and every cell in your entire body.

As you breathe, repeat the word, "Patience." Say it with gentle and soothing patience. As your brain is conditioned to associate slow breathing with patience, the very act of breathing slowly will continuously enable you to be more patient.

[phkrause]

Judge Favors Favorably

Before asking someone for a favor, realize that he might not grant you the favor. Although it is appropriate to think of the best way to influence him to help you out, accept him if he refuses.

And even before you ask for the favor, think how you can judge him positively if he does not help you.

[phkrause]

One Step at a Time

Learn to deal with your difficult life situations one step at a time. Don't view all that you have to do as a mountain to climb in one jump. Divide tasks into steps small enough for you to deal with little by little. Focus on the specific task at hand and take pleasure with every small amount that you do.

[phkrause]

Discipline Wisely

Parents should be aware of the possible consequences of their methods of discipline.

Nothing destroys the potential for parents to have a close relationship with children as disciplining through excessive fear. When children are still young, parents should be aware that one day their children will become independent. Parents who use fear as a weapon create negative feelings in the children. When they grow up, those children are likely to rebel against their parents and go their own way.

[phkrause]

Weigh Insults Impartially

It is easy to be objective about others and understand that they should overlook insults: "So what if someone said this or that remark?"

View insults directed to you in the same manner. Ask yourself, "How would I consider this if it was said to someone else?"

Yes, it is difficult to ignore insults, but we have an obligation to work on ourselves not to let things bother us.

[phkrause]

View Insults Objectively

When someone insults you, try to view the situation objectively and not to react emotionally. Focus on the essence of what is happening. If the person is being foolish, tell yourself you have no need to become excited by what a foolish person says.

If a parrot uttered an insult when you entered a room, how would you react? You would easily be able to ignore it. When a fool utters an insult, it is essentially the same thing.

If, however, the insulter is a wise person and what he says is true, be happy for the opportunity to improve!

[phkrause]

Speak To Yourself Serenely

You are the person with whom you talk to most often. To become a serene person, consistently talk to yourself serenely.

Become aware of the tone of your voice when you speak to yourself. This often is so automatic that many people never consider it an issue. But it can be a major factor in whether or not you are usually serene.

[phkrause]

Correct Faults Inversely

In every area that you have a fault, determine what behavior would be diametrically opposed to that fault. For example, someone who tends to be impulsive should slow down and think carefully before taking action. Similarly, someone who has a strong love for money should act in a very generous manner.

What do you consider to be your three greatest faults? Take one of those faults and think about what its opposite would be. Then visualize yourself mastering that positive quality.

[phkrause]

Forgive Fully

A person who sincerely fears the Almighty should forgive someone who wronged him when that person asks for forgiveness. He should do his best to return to the previous state of loving-friendship that existed before the other person erred.

We find in the Torah (Genesis 50:21) that Yosef forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery as soon as they asked his forgiveness. He told them that because he fears G-d they need not worry.

Is there anyone you have not yet forgiven? If yes, imagine that the person has the wisdom and courage to ask you for forgiveness. Visualize yourself forgiving that person. The next time you encounter that person act with the friendliness of someone you have forgiven.

[phkrause]

Grow Gradually

It is unrealistic and counterproductive to think you have to be perfect in refraining from counterproductive thinking and behavior. Demanding perfection from yourself will make you excessively nervous and prone to anger and guilt. The way to bring about positive changes is to maintain a realistic awareness of your imperfections in this area, and to work consistently to improve.

[phkrause]

Correct Effectively

When you try to correct someone who is not open to correction, the person is likely to say that you don't understand him. He'll claim that he is the righteous one and you are the fool!

For your words to be effective, the person needs to be open to hearing your corrections. This means it's best to avoid correcting someone who is certain to quarrel with what you said. And it also means looking inward into the reasons why your approach is unsuccessful