Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

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#63 Expect Insults When Influencing Others

The Chafetz Chaim wrote: "If you try to influence others to improve, at times they might insult you for your efforts. So before you approach someone, realize you may be insulted and try to accept it. Don't reply to their insults, nor let those insults deter you from your goal. The more difficulties you have in trying to do good, the more elevated you become.

"If you were new in business and an experienced businessman made fun of you, you would not give up trying to make a profit. You would still make an effort to be successful. After a while no one would make fun of you. Trying to influence others is similar. Even though in the beginning some may mock you, if you are sincere [and persistent], they will eventually respect you."

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#64 Appreciate the Gift of Creation

The Chazon Ish (20th century Israel), said: "A person who lives with a constant awareness of the Almighty will live a life of constant happiness." (Emunah U'bitochon, ch.1)

Today, appreciate the potential you have for benefiting from the world. Seeing the beauty and wisdom in every blade of grass gives one an awareness of the Creator.

(see Rabbi Moshe Rosenstein, cited in Darkai Mussar, p.27; see Gateway to Happiness, p.35)

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#65 Help Others Help Themselves

Maimonides says that the highest level of giving charity is helping a person become self-sufficient.

Today, think of someone who needs a job and try to do what you can to help him earn money. You might help him get a job interview or you might think of some marketable skill that you could help him develop.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," pp.147-8)

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#66 Be Respectfully Assertive

When it comes to being assertive, the ideal is to be able to speak up whenever appropriate and to do so respectfully.

Think of some situations in the past when you were not as assertive as you wish you were. Imagine yourself being able to say anything to anyone (as long as it is appropriate). Then take action to assert yourself in a way that you have not done so before.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge,"pp.131-3)

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#67 Appreciate Being Alive

Cultivate a deep feeling of appreciation for the fact that you are alive. The Jewish practice of saying the "Modeh Ani" prayer the first moment we are awake, strengthens our awareness of the great gift of life.

Try saying the "Modeh Ani" prayer: "I express my gratitude to You, the King who is alive and always exists, for returning my soul to me, with compassion. Great is Your trustworthiness."

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," pp.120-1; and Siddur with morning prayers)

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#68 Learn To Forgive

Consistently happy people are either in one of two conditions. Either no one has ever wronged or slighted them in any way. Or else they have forgiven those who have. Since it is almost impossible not to have been wronged or slighted, if you want to master happiness, you need to learn how to forgive.

Forgiving is like floating on water. You don't need to do anything. You just need to let go. When you were a young child of five or six, you became angry at your brothers, sisters, friends, and classmates. You might have even said, "I won't forgive you." Now when you look back at the vast majority of those situations, you will see that they were trivial. It is at present easy for you to forgive someone for not giving you a bite of their ice cream, not letting you play with their toys, or grabbing your ice cream or toys. Just as you have already forgiven them, you will be able to forgive others for more recent events when you realize that most things are trivial when compared to your emotional and spiritual well-being.

We all need our Creator's forgiveness. By forgiving others we elevate ourselves and render ourselves more worthy of being forgiven. When you find it difficult to forgive, pray with your own words for the strength to forgive

(From Rabbi Pliskin's "Happiness",p.171)

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#69 Appreciate Being Alive

A lecture tour brought me to a city where I stayed at the home of a colleague. He had a neighbor whom I started speaking with, and observed that he had a serene nature and positive outlook on life.

"How did you develop such a serene and happy way of being?" I asked him.

"I almost died twice and that taught me to ignore the irrelevant and unimportant," he said to me. "I had problems with my heart. Just surviving the surgery gave me a greater appreciation for being alive. But what totally transformed me was riding my motorcycle off a cliff. The last thing I saw was the ground rushing to greet me. Then two days later I found myself in a hospital bed in serious condition. I had broken bones and wasn't certain I would make it. I survived and healed. And now I feel great whenever I wake up in the morning. When I go to sleep, either I will wake up for another day or I will go to a better world. Either way I am a winner."

(From Rabbi Pliskin's "Happiness",p.216-17)

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#70 Live and Let Live

Happy people have a vast amount of things that they consider to be okay. We all have our limits. But we can develop attitudes and reactions that enable us to accept, tolerate, and ignore many of the things that annoy, irritate, and frustrate unhappy people.

Some people need things to be "just so" for them to feel comfortable and happy. The more rules and specifics that are needed for this, the more likely that a person will experience much unhappiness.

Are there any people you dread interacting with? Those with a low threshold of okay-ness are often in this category. They demand that everything has to be exactly as they wish it to be for them to be satisfied. These people are highly critical of others. They get annoyed at others for minor and trivial matters that are not to their liking. Don't be one of them for your own benefit and the welfare of those who interact with you.

Develop a sense of perspective. Keep asking yourself, "How important is this for me to fulfill my life's mission?" The clearer you are about which values are truly important to you, the easier it will be for you to accept and cope well with trivial and minor aspects of life that are not just the way you would have wanted them to be.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's "Happiness",p.50)

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#71 To Forgive Is To Give

Sometimes the greatest kindness you can do for someone is to forgive.

Some people will ask you directly for forgiveness. Others lack the awareness, courage or humility to ask your forgiveness.

Forgive even if you aren't asked to do so. This can be extremely difficult. And that is why it's so elevating.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book Kindness)

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#72 Appreciate All You Have

Try imagining your life without all that you presently have. If you can master this ability, then you will appreciate what you do have to such a degree that you will live a life of constant joy.

If you were lost in a wilderness without food and water - and then found some bread, you would enjoy that bread more than the most sumptuous meal! Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm wrote that he personally had such an experience, and it was like living in paradise. You will always be able to feel that joy if you use your mind wisely.

Today, spend a few moments imagining what it would be like if you had absolutely nothing: no family, no friends, no possessions, no money at all, no knowledge, no eyes, ears, hands, feet - absolutely nothing. Continue this exercise until you actually feel it.

Then do the second half of the exercise: Imagine yourself obtaining what you presently have, one item at a time

(see Chochmah Umussar, vol.2, p.74; Pirkei Emunah, p.20; Gateway to Happiness, p.46)

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#73 Replace Hate With Love

The Torah (Vayikra 19:17) explicitly states, "Do not hate your brother in your heart." Even the simplest person is commanded not to have envy, hatred, and feelings of revenge and a grudge. This is such an important and basic obligation that the Jewish people's failure in this regard led directly to the destruction of the Second Temple.

Is there anyone you hate without a valid reason? Mentally visualize that hate melting away. In its place, visualize compassion, empathy. Now mentally bless that person. Bless him/her that they should treat you so wonderfully that you are filled with love for that person

(see Talmud - Yoma 9b; Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz - Daas Chochmah Umussar, vol.1, p.78)

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#74 Being Alive

Be aware of the tremendous value of being alive. When you realize the great treasure that lies in every second of life, you will experience the great joy that is inherent in each moment. This awareness will motivate you to utilize each moment to its fullest

(see Rabbi Chaim Zaitchyk - Maayani Hachaim, vol.3, p.69; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#75 Radiate Love

Did you ever wish you could change someone's negative feelings toward you into positive ones? Consider the following story:

In the days of Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin, it occurred that a butcher was angry at the Rabbi of his city for rendering a decision that the meat of a cow he wanted to sell was not kosher. In his anger, he devised a scheme to murder the Rabbi. On a pretext, he had the Rabbi travel with him on a lonely road. Along the way, the butcher took out his sharp knife and wanted to kill the Rabbi.

At first the Rabbi pleaded with the butcher to have compassion on him. But this was to no avail. When the Rabbi saw that nothing he could say would make a difference, he started to mentally focus on all of the positive qualities and attributes of the butcher. Suddenly there was an amazing transformation. The butcher began to cry, kissed the Rabbi, and begged his forgiveness.

The lesson: Love others and they can't help but to love you!

(see Rabbi Chaim Zaitchyk - Maayanai Hachaim, vol.3, p.191; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#76 Put Things In Perspective

When you reflect on life, you will see that many of the things that happen to a person are not inherently good or bad. Rather, it is just a matter of how each person chooses to react to a given situation.

Today, think of a problematic aspect of your life, and then try to imagine how life would be different - not if the situation changed, but if your attitude changed.

(see Rabbi Yosef Hurwitz of Nevardok - Madraigos Haadam; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#77 Everything Is Relative

Personality traits are like raw material, intrinsically neutral. Classifying any particular trait as positive or negative changes according to the specific way it is employed by an individual in a given situation. If you utilize each trait in its proper time and place, then that trait is considered positive. But if you apply a trait when it is inappropriate, it is considered negative.

For example, the positive trait of "generosity" can actually be negative if it turns into smothering and stifling. On the other hand, the negative trait of anger can be positive when used to fight against evil and injustice

(see Rabbi Yosef Hurwitz of Nevardok - Madraigos Haadam - Birur Hamidos; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#78 True Love

Love is a concept that is often distorted. For example, someone will say that he loves fish. But what does he do with fish? He cuts them up, cooks them, and then swallows them. He doesn't really love fish, he loves himself!

The Torah definition of love is feeling positive about someone because you appreciate his positive traits. When your love for someone is based totally on love for him (and not on self-love), you will have great patience. In the Torah, Jacob waited seven years before marrying Rachel!

Today, ask yourself if your "love" for others is based on your perception of how they can benefit you, or based on your perception of their positive qualities.

(see Genesis 29:20; Rabbi Eliyahu Lopian - Lev Eliyahu, vol.1, pp.254-5; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#79 Focus On The Positive

If a person consistently talks about the faults of others, he will usually overlook even the most obvious positive attributes of those same people.

Today, think of someone that you often degrade, and try focusing on one positive quality of that person.

(see Rabbi Chaim Zaitchyk -Maayanai Hachaim, vol.3, p 85; Rabbi Pliskin's "Consulting the Wise")

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#80 Find Positive Perspectives

Find positive, resourceful, elevated, creative, spiritual attitudes and perspectives, for various situations, events, and occurrences.

Masters of this skill think and analyze. If their original way of looking at something is not helpful -- all the more so if it has proven counterproductive -- they choose better attitudes, perspectives, frames, cognitions, outlooks, or evaluations. They realize that their initial response may not be the best and the wisest. So they pause to think for a moment and to find improved ways to view events and situations.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, Serenity, p.24)

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#81 Insults Are Subjective

Insults are based on the insulter's subjective point of view. Realize that the person is making a "to me" statement. For example, he is saying, "To me you seem selfish." Ask yourself, "On what is he basing his insult? Is it based on fact or opinion?" Then ask yourself, "Do I agree with his basic assumptions?"

If you let someone's insult bother you, it implies that you consider his opinion of you to be more important than your own opinion of yourself. Actually, if you agree with he says, try to improve yourself. If you disagree, disregard the insult.

(Chayei Ha'mussar, vol.2, p.208; Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p.296)

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#82 When to Upgrade Your Level of Trust

When to Upgrade Your Level of Trust

How can you tell when you need to upgrade your level of emunah and bitochon? Your nervous system gives you feedback. View anxiety and nervousness as a message, "Time to elevate your level of emunah and bitochon." Don't become upset about this. That's not very helpful. Rather, be appreciative of the feedback. The message you are receiving is immensely valuable.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, Serenity, p.92)

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#83 Listing What You Have

Internalize the attitude that regardless of how many things you do not have, you can still be happy if you keep your focus on what you do have. Make a list of possessions, talents, and good qualities you have and whenever you catch yourself becoming obsessed with something you lack, review your list.

(Gateway to Happiness, p.355)

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#84 You Can Always Improve

Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz frequently said: Be especially careful if you feel you have gone down in your spiritual level. There is danger when one feels he has failed spiritually. He is likely to give up completely, and in panic might commit many wrongdoings.

Even if you feel you are on a low rung, strengthen yourself wherever you presently are. If you take an optimistic view of your situation and feel confident that you can improve, you will be able to elevate yourself.

(Sichos Mussar, 1971/13; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.219)

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#85 Make It Positive

When someone else speaks to you, what they say and how they say it creates either positive energy or the opposite.

Also, when you speak to yourself, you are the one who chooses whether the energy will be positive or negative. Be totally resolved to consistently create positive energy.

(from Rabbi Pliskin's book "Patience," published by ArtScroll - www.artscroll.com)

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#86 Accentuate The Positive

Consciously make an effort to fill your mind with positive thoughts. Practice focusing on the hundreds of positive aspects of your life. Be aware of your ability to see, talk, walk, etc.

Thoughts always keep racing through your mind, so gently keep your focus on all the positive details of your life. Realize that you are the one who chooses what thoughts to dwell on. Choose those thoughts which enhance your life.

(Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.179)

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#87 A Lack In Perspective

Some people make themselves sad over trivial matters. Any objective observer will look on in amazement. This person had the ability to live his life with feelings of happiness, since he truly does have what he needs. Yet he feels miserable because of minor and unimportant things. He views what he is missing as extremely important -- and what he does have pales in comparison! He even thinks that life is not worth living without what he's presently missing!

(from Rabbi Yosef Leib Bloch; Shiurai Daas, vol.2, pp.145-6; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.175)