Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

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#540   Start by Admitting your Mistakes

When someone is angry at you, organize wisely what you wish to say. Begin speaking in a manner that is likely to have a calming effect. For example, begin by admitting your own mistakes. When you start off in an appeasing manner, the person will pay more attention to your words, and this will prevent him from causing you harm or loss.

We find an example when Abigail successfully calmed down King David, who was furious at her husband (see Shmuel 1, 25:25). She began by admitting that she herself had made an error. Only then did she present her arguments to King David. When you concede that you are wrong, others calm down.

When someone is angry at you, and you start out by either blaming him or denying it, you will usually increase the person's anger. If you want someone's anger to escalate, the best way to do this is to either say: "It's your fault, not mine."

It takes courage to admit your own mistakes. Even if you are only responsible in a small way, it is still best to start off by saying something like, "Yes, I could (or should) have done differently. I'm sorry for any pain or inconvenience I have caused you."

This will put the other person in a calmer state, and he will then be much more likely to listen to what you have to say in your own defense.

(see Ralbag - Shaar hapiyus, no.1; Rabbi Pliskin - Consulting the Wise, pp.58-9)

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#541   Don't Dwell on Past Misfortunes

The nature of a person is that when he talks about past misfortunes and suffering, he presently experiences more suffering.

A person who constantly thinks about misfortunes of the past causes unnecessary sadness. In the extreme, after one unfortunate event a person can make himself unhappy his entire life -- because he always tells himself how awful life is since that event occurred.

Do not overly dwell on past misfortunes, and you will save yourself much unhappiness.

(Shiurai Daas, vol.3, p.123; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.178)

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#542   Discover your Faults in Others

Whenever you notice a fault in another person, check where you have that fault yourself. We have a strong tendency to notice our own faults in others. This awareness gives us many opportunities to learn about our own shortcomings -since it is easier to recognize a fault in someone else than in ourselves."

What fault do you commonly notice in other people? In what ways do you have that fault yourself?

Use this awareness as a tool to stop yourself from speaking against others. Who would want to speak against others knowing that you are merely drawing attention to that same fault in yourself?!

Today, catch yourself in the act of criticizing others. Then think about the implications for yourself.

(see Talmud Kiddushin 70b; Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin - Ruach Chaim 2:1)

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#543   Learn from the Mistakes of Others

Whenever you see that someone has made a mistake, view the situation as a learning experience to prevent yourself from making similar mistakes.

Moreover, utilize this experience to discover what knowledge you may be able to impart to others so they, too, can avoid making similar mistakes.

Today, think of three mistakes you have seen people make recently. In what way have you made similar mistakes?

(see Ralbag - Shaar hachochmah, no.11)

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#544   Consider the Virtues of Others

Spend time thinking about the virtues of other people. Not merely as a passing thought - but try to feel pleasure in thinking of their virtues.

(Rabbi Reuven Dov Dessler; Tnuas Hamussar, vol.5, p.180; see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p.103)

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#545   Understanding Difficult People

When dealing with a person you find difficult, keep in mind that this person's way of behaving and thinking might be causing him to suffer even more than he is causing you to suffer. See life from his point of view - and be compassionate.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," p.203)

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#546   Study and Emulate Great People

Here is a tool for greatness: Watch a truly righteous person very carefully and observe what he does in order to emulate him.

Today, think of three great people that you know, heard of, or have read about. What can you learn from each one?

(see Vilna Gaon - Proverbs 12:26; Rabbi Pliskin - "Consulting the Wise")

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#547   Feel Grateful for every Pleasure

Every single time you have some pleasure, even a very slight one such as gaining a small profit, feel grateful to the Almighty. Every day we have numerous such occasions which are easily overlooked. They are lessons to teach awareness of the Almighty's Divine Providence.

(see Hashlomas Hamidos, ch.9; Gateway to Happiness, p.36)

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#548   Bring about Miracles in People's Lives

Be aware of the positive attributes and behaviors of the people with whom you come into contact and help them build upon their strengths. Encouragement is a much more powerful tool for change and growth than blaming and condemning. You can bring about miracles in people's lives if you believe in their potential.

(Gateway to Happiness, p.388)

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#549   Tailor your Help to the Person

Be flexible when you try to help someone. If the first strategy you try doesn't seem to work, try another approach. Since every person is unique, different approaches are necessary for different people.

When talking to someone, note the feedback you receive from his slight changes in facial expression. Ask the person how the ideas you are saying sound to him.

If you are not able to help someone, suggest another person who might be able to help him.

(Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.184)

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#550   Acceptance has Curative Powers

Accepting the will of the Almighty when one is ill has curative powers.

Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm wrote to an ill person that all doctors advise their patients to have a calm attitude. The question is how a patient can master this attitude. The Sages have shown us the way -- to accept our suffering with joy.

The benefits gained from awareness of the Almighty are exactly what we need for our physical well being. This is what the verse (Chabakuk 2:4) teaches: "The righteous person will live with his belief." Their belief will cause them to live. It will strengthen them and bring them joy. As it says: "The person with a good heart has a continual feast" (Proverbs 15:15).

The Vilna Gaon comments that when a person goes to a party, he might feel happy, but as soon as the party is over the happiness is gone. But a person with a good heart, that is, the right attitudes, is always happy. Awareness of the Almighty gives a person a good heart to understand that whatever happens is God's will. Suffering is meant to be merciful to a person, to arouse him to mend his ways in order that he find eternal pleasure.

(Chochmah U'mussar, vol.2, p. 291; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, pp.252-3)

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#551   Suffering helps us Focus

A person who is broken-hearted has a greater tendency to think about his ultimate purpose in this world. This can lead to more elevated behavior.

(Michtav M'Eliyahu, vol.1, p.23; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.249)

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#552   Kindness requires Awareness

Doing acts of kindness requires great wisdom about the ways of the world. You must have an awareness of the differences between people and their individual needs.

(Chochmah Umussar, vol.2, p.190; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, pp.140-1)

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#553   Please According to the Pleasure

People react to different situations differently, based on their diverse personalities and experiences.

The obligation to love other people and do acts of kindness requires that we look at the specific individual we are dealing with. Try to understand what exactly will give this person pleasure. Be aware of his personality traits, in order to know what his needs are. Decide in which areas and to what degree to honor this specific person.

To do this properly requires much thought.

(Toras Avraham, p.400; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.141)

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#554   Heed the Cry for Respect

Every person you meet deeply desires to be treated with respect. If you listen carefully, you will hear them cry: "Please consider me an important person. Don't embarrass or insult me. Please listen to me when I speak."

If you learn to treat every person you meet with respect, you will have many friends throughout your life. Upon meeting another person, ask yourself, "What can I say to this person to show him respect?"

(Daat Chochmah Umussar, vol.3, p.68; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.138)

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#556   Review Mistakes Constructively

Often, when something does not work out as planned, it is common to keep discussing the matter. Such discussions frequently cause needless anger and irritation.

Ask yourself: "Was I right in going to such and such a place?" "Was I right in doing this or that?"

If what you did was wrong, even if the outcome was successful, it was improper to have done it. Accept responsibility, resolve not to repeat it, and move on. The past is already gone and there is no value in complaining about it.

(Maarchai Laiv, p.171; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.147)

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#557   Keep Mistakes in Perspective

Some people tend to condemn themselves as total failures when they make a mistake. They tell themselves that because they have made a mistake they are "no good." Basically their attitude is, "If I'm not perfect, then I'm a complete failure."

The reality is that no one is perfect and no one is a complete failure. We are all on various stages along a continuum. It is more productive to recognize your situation as it really is (as best as you can) and work on improving. Then you will begin to tell yourself something along these lines, "I am aware of seven mistakes today. What can I do to avoid these mistakes in the future?"

(Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.221)

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#558   Overcome Obstacles to Action

At times you might have negative reactions when trying to perform a good deed. You might feel rebellious and would rather not do the deed. Do not feel sad or nervous about this. The essence of doing good deeds is the effort, and we cannot expect it will always be easy to do the right thing.

Have a conversation with yourself. Ask yourself why you find it difficult. What exactly is bothering you? This will give you personal insight and will help you grow.

(Alai Shur, p.213; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.221)

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#559   Rise Above Trivial Aspects of Honor

It is ridiculous how some people are concerned about trivial aspects of "honor." For example, a person may refuse to visit a friend or relative, because they feel the other person should come to him first. Or they become angry if they visit someone and that person does not repay the visit.

Focus on being practical. If you would like to speak to someone, what does it matter if he did not come to you first?

(Rabbi Yisroel Salanter - Ohr Yisroel, p.114; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.271)

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#560   Increase Your Respect

Right now, feel a greater sense of self-respect and respect for others. This will be reflected in how you speak and how you act. Repeat the words "self-respect and respect for others.

If you had a greater amount of self-respect, what is one special thing you would do differently today?

What can you do today that would be an expression of greater respect for others?

(see "Anger: The Inner Teacher," p.339)

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#561   Honesty Brings Respect

Others will respect you more for being honest and open rather than being evasively defensive. Ultimately you will gain more self-respect.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge," p.191)

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#562   Elevate your Mundane Actions

Many routine actions that we do every day can be elevated by focusing on more elevated thoughts.

For example, when you go shopping for your family, focus on the fact that you are doing an act of kindness. Or, when you say good morning to someone, focus on the fact that you are giving him a blessing. If someone asks you to pass the salt, realize you are doing an act of kindness.

Focusing in this way will increase your level of joy, and increase your desire to do more good deeds.

(see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p.103)

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#563   Have the Strength to Remain Silent

Feel intense empowerment as you have the strength to remain silent when silence is the wisest course of action. Your silence will not be passive, but an active silence that comes from self-mastery. As you remain silent, hear an inner cheer. Your silence requires as much skill as any Olympic athlete. It is a victory that deserves a standing ovation. Hear an inner voice saying, "I'm proud of your self-mastery to remain silent." Your silence is the mark of a champion!

(see Rav Pliskin's "Anger: The Inner Teacher," 340)

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#564   Humility Eliminates Many Problems

Humility eliminates many of life's problems. A humble person will not be bothered by life's circumstances and will not envy what anyone else has. He will not become angry nor quarrel with others.

It is very pleasant to be in the presence of a humble person, therefore people will invariably like him. All of his interactions with other people will be serene and tranquil. Fortunate is the person who has acquired this attribute.

Today, imagine that a miracle has occurred and you suddenly have total humility. In what way does this enable you to free yourself from any anxiety you frequently experience?

(see Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto - Path of the Just, ch.22)

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#565   Cleave to the Almighty in Prayer

A person who learns to pray properly can understand what the words of the Chazon Ish in "Emunah Ubitochon":

"When a person merits becoming aware of the reality of the Almighty's existence, he will experience limitless joy. His soul is enveloped in sanctity, and it is as though the soul has left the body and floats in the upper Heavens. When a person transcends to this level, an entirely new world is open to him. It is possible for a person to be momentarily like a celestial being, [while at the same time] in this world. All of the pleasures of this world are as nothing compared to the intense pleasure of a person cleaving to his Creator."

(see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," p.101)