Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

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#214   Love and Giving 

 

The Sages (Rosh Hashanah 17a) have revealed to us a wonderful tool: "A person who forgives others who distress him and does not do or say anything negative in retaliation will have all of his transgressions forgiven." By removing your anger over the behavior of others, anger will be removed from you.

(Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler; Michtav M'Eliyahu, vol.4, p.243)

Think of someone whom you have not yet forgiven. Let enlightened self-interest serve as a motivating factor to forgive that person.

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#215   Rehearse Coping Strategies

 

Here is a powerful tool that will help you cope with even the most difficult situations:

Mentally picture yourself coming across difficult life tests - and then see yourself coping well with them. Repeat this over and over again in your mind...

Today, think of a specific life test that you can apply this to.

(see Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler - Michtav MaiEliyahu, vol.4, pp252-3)

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#216   Update Your Understanding 

 

The Sages (Talmud, Yoma 29a) tell us that it is more difficult to understand an idea we already know than one that is new to us. This is because we feel we already understand it and do not concentrate on it as much as we should. Also, we tend to rely on the level of understanding we had when we were younger and less mature.

Today, think about a concept that would enhance your life greatly if internalized and integrated. Reflect on that idea with your present knowledge and life experience.

(see Rabbi Simcha Zissel Ziv - Chochmah Umussar, vol.1, p.163)

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#217   Use A Gift To Appease Anger

 

Prepare a special gift for someone who is angry at you. When the person receives the gift, the anger will subside.

We find an example of this in the Torah when Jacob told his sons to take the best possible gift to the man in authority in Egypt. (see Genesis 43:11)

Furthermore, sometimes it is beneficial to allow some time to elapse. Even if at the outset of the person's anger nothing you could say would help, after time has passed he will be more open to discussing the matter.

Today, think of someone who has been angry at you. What gift can you give that person that perhaps will make him more open to let go of the anger?

(see Ralbag - Shaar hapiyus, nos. 5 and 11)

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#218   Pause Before Speaking 

 

Before you speak, you are the master of your words. After you speak, your words become your master.

My father, of blessed memory, had a sign hanging near his telephone that said, "Even a fish wouldn't get into trouble if he kept his mouth shut."

(Orchos Tzadikim, ch.21; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.262)

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#219   Be Real With Your Feelings

 

In thinking about serenity and realizing its great value, we would love to be serene all the time. But this is not possible in the world in which we live. In the totality of our lives we will experience a wide range of human emotions, not all of them the ones we would choose for ourselves if we could have total control over our feelings.

So now we have a choice. We can acknowledge our emotional reality at any given moment and from there work our way to true serenity. Or we can deny our true feelings. We may deny our insecurities, anxieties, worries, frustrations, disappointments, etc., and think that because we want to be serene, these feelings do not exist. Let us state clearly: Only by being in touch with your feelings will you be able to truly experience serenity.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, Serenity, p.80)

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#220   The Pleasure Of Forgiving

 

When we forgive others, we help ourselves as much as we help those whom we forgive. We are elevating ourselves and will feel much better when we forgive, than if we would keep on adding more and more resentment.

Try it for a couple of weeks. At night, think about any difficulties you had with others and forgive them. Notice how it will change your attitude toward those people the next day.

A person who threatens, "I'll remember that," or "I'll get even with you," hurts himself more than he hurts others. Why suffer from resentment when you can choose the pleasure of forgiving?

(Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Happiness," pp.307-8)

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#221   Plan Without Worrying

 

When a person worries about his future material needs, he assumes he will still be alive in that future moment. What guarantee does he have that he'll still be alive for any length of time?

If you assume you will still be alive, then you can also assume that you'll be able to meet your basic necessities.

Suppose you saw a person looking worried and you asked him, "My friend, why are you so full of anxiety?" How would you react if he replied, "Things are all right now, but I'm worried that in 10 years I might be missing something."

Of course it's ridiculous to worry about what will be so far in the future.

Actually, just as worrying about 10 years from now is fruitless, so too is worrying about what will be in one day from now. Planning is positive. Worrying is negative.

Only the present is before you. Use it properly.

(Chayai Hamussar, vol.1, pp.68-9; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, pp.155-6)

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#222   Outcome Thinking 

 

The Talmudic Sages ask: "Who is the wise man?"

The answer: "One who sees (i.e., thinks about) the outcome of his actions."

Keep asking yourself, "What is the goal of my present behavior?" and "What are the potential harmful consequences?" These two questions will enable you to have greater control over your behavior.

(Talmud - Tamid 32a; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.258)

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#223   Building a Spiritual Perspective 

 

Building a spiritual perspective about life and its challenges will free you from self-pity. You'll realize that everything in life is meaningful and purposeful. Even if you don't yet know the true meaning of events, you know that all is for an ultimate beneficial purpose. This awareness makes it easier to cope.

Self-empowered people live meaningful lives. Their suffering makes them kinder and more compassionate. They understand life more profoundly.

People who have experienced difficulties and rough challenges can become the most heroic. Their life stories can be told as heroic models from which to learn.

Even if you have already engaged in many hours of self-pity, you can now think the thoughts of self-empowerment. You are always in the present, so you can select an elevating and empowering pattern of self-talk right now.

If it is difficult to speak to yourself in an empowering way, it's great to make a sincere effort to do it anyway. It is an important step in the right direction. You can have great self-talk about the current effort.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: "Conversations With Yourself", pp.180) [Artscroll.com])

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#224   Love And Pursue 

 

The great Sage Hillel tells us to: "Be a student of Aaron: love peace and pursue peace." (Pirkei Avos 1:11)

When you love someone or something, the object of your love is a high priority for you. In the Torah we read how Jacob was willing to work seven full years in order to marry Rachel whom he loved. The Torah tells us that these seven years were considered as just a few day in his eyes. Imagine loving peace to this same extent.

When you've integrated a love for peace, you will be willing to put in much energy and effort to attain it. You might have to make sacrifices. These sacrifices come in many forms. When love is a motivating factor, you are more likely to make the necessary sacrifices.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.13, www.artscroll.com)

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#225   Gratitude Exercise

 

This "gratitude exercise" will have a positive effect when you practice it at least 10 times a day. It is advisable to practice it at least once an hour for the first week. You'll be grateful you did.

[Touch forehead]

"I am grateful for my mind to think good thoughts."

[Touch near eyes]

"I am grateful for my eyes to see good things."

[Touch ears]

"I am grateful for my ears to hear good things."

[Touch near mouth]

"I am grateful for my mouth to speak good things."

[Raise hands]

"I am grateful for my hands to do good things."

[Move feet slightly]

"I am grateful for my feet to walk to do good."

"I am grateful for all that I can be grateful for."

(© 2003 Zelig Pliskin. Permission is given to make as many copies as you wish.)

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#226   Serenity Coach

 

In every important area of life we do better when we have a coach. A coach has a more objective view and will be able to point out ways that we can improve. Even if someone else doesn't have more knowledge, since they are more objective, their input could be valuable.

A serenity coach could be someone who is a model of serenity. Or it could be anyone who observes us and points out to us when we need to return to a more serene state. Others view our facial reactions, which we don't see unless we are looking into a mirror, and therefore observe the biofeedback that is expressed on our faces. It makes sense that if you have an opportunity to benefit from someone who agrees to be your coach, that you shouldn't pass up the opportunity.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, Serenity, p.115)

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#227   Enjoyable Times 

 

Peace is a prerequisite for enjoying celebrations, festivals and vacations. The more special the occasion, the greater the damage caused by lack of peace.

During enjoyable times, you will have to answer the following question for yourself, "Is it worthwhile to choose words and actions that will create distress right now?" Put in this form, we will often see clearly that we would be wise to refrain from words and actions that will cause or prolong an unpleasant argument or quarrel.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.17, www.artscroll.com)

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#228   The Greeting Of Peace 

 

The Hebrew word for peace is "shalom." And this is the way that we greet people. We greet people with "shalom," when we encounter them. And we bless people with "shalom," when we say goodbye. And the traditional greeting when seeing someone for the first time or when seeing someone you haven't seen in a long time is, "Shalom Aleichem," which means "peace unto you."

The word shalom means both peace and harmony. And it is the same word as sholaim, which means wholeness. When there is an atmosphere of harmony, we feel whole and complete. And when a person feels whole, he is more likely to be at peace with himself and with others.

We bless people with peace. They should have inner peace and peace with others. When you have harmony, you function at your best. When two people work in harmony, they bring out the best in each other. And when there is harmony in an organization or a community, everyone brings out the best in each other. And we are all very different at our best than we are at our worst.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.19, www.artscroll.com)

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#229   What's Really Important In Your Life? 

 

The most important question each of us needs to answer is, "What are you living for? What is the purpose of your life?" And this brings us to the question, "What's really important in your life?" From this viewpoint most quarrels are over trivial matters. From a mature, eternal perspective, the quarrels of many adults are not that far from the quarrels of two young children over a small toy.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.21, www.artscroll.com)

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#231   The Best Question You Can Ask Yourself 

 

"What is the best question I can ask myself right now?" is one of the best questions you can ask yourself each day.

Your questions can lead you in the right direction or the wrong direction. That is why it is so important to know the patterns of the best questions you can ask yourself and others.

"What do I need to know about this?" is a tremendously helpful tool to help you gather the type of information that you need to reach your goal. Then ask yourself, "Where and how can I get this knowledge?"

When you meet someone who is a highly knowledgeable expert in a specific area, you can always ask, "What are some of the best questions that you have been asked on this subject?" and "What do you consider the basic principles for understanding this subject?"

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: "Conversations With Yourself", pp.183-4) [Artscroll.com])

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#230   Solutions Versus Blaming 

 

When you find yourself in a conflict with someone, focus on finding solutions. This is in contrast to thinking and speaking in terms of blaming.

The question to ask yourself whenever you find yourself in a conflict is, "What can I say or do that might be a solution to this situation?"

In the vast majority of situations, refraining from blaming prevents a situation from getting worse. And then your mind is more likely to be free to think of potential solutions.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.21, www.artscroll.com)

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#232   Benefits Of Brevity

 

In many situations, by speaking less you will accomplish more.

One of the biggest mistakes people make when they argue with others is that they go on and on and on and on and on, etc., for much too long. Frequently the other person isn't really listening. He is just waiting for his turn to deliver his soliloquy.

The longer one speaks when there is a quarrel, the more likely it is that he will say things that would have been better not said. Reminding a person of his past mistakes and errors, is usually not conducive to resolving issues. Pointing out to a person how he reminds you of this or that difficult to get along with person, is usually not conducive to resolving issues. Putting a person down, speaking condescendingly, and adding lengthy stories and metaphors, is usually not conducive to resolving issues.

The short formula to keep in mind during a quarrel is: Be concise and focus on your outcome.

Omit unnecessary words. Let each word count. Each word should be part of what you need to say to reach your outcome.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, pp.29-30, www.artscroll.com)

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#233   King Solomon's Wise Formula 

 

In the book of Proverbs (27:19), we find an amazing formula for peace. "As in water, face is to face, so too is the heart of one person to another."

When you look at your reflection in a pond or in a mirror, you will see the exact same expression that is on your face. If you frown and scowl, you will see a frown and scowl staring right back at you. And if you smile and wave, you will see a smile and a wave. This is a natural law of physics. To frown and expect to see a smile on the image of your face in a mirror isn't a wise expectation.

King Solomon teaches us that this natural law has a counterpoint in the laws of human nature. The inner feelings you experience towards someone will be reflected back to you from the heart of that person.

See the good in other people. See them as being souls who have high aspirations even if at present they are not yet using all of their potential. See people as they will be when they are at their best. Judge people favorably. See the positive intentions of what they say and do even when it would be preferable if they chose better ways to accomplish those positive intentions.

The way to influence people to feel better towards you is to radiate unconditional love and respect towards them. When someone likes and respects you first, it's easier to reciprocate those feelings. It is a step towards greatness to be the one to create unconditional love and respect when you need to sustain this in the face of challenges. Be willing to take this step.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, pp.32-3, www.artscroll.com)

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#234   Serenity Promotes Harmonious Relationships

 

Serenity promotes peaceful and harmonious relationships with other people. We have often cited the verse, "As in water, face to face, so too is the heart of one person to another" (Proverbs 27:19). When you speak serenely to someone, the peaceful energy puts the other person in a better state, and usually that person will speak more pleasantly to you.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, Serenity, p.17)

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#235   Who Is An Honorable Person? 

 

A major underlying issue in many quarrels is that people feel that someone else didn't treat them with the proper respect. The specific details of the quarrel are trivial compared to the fundamental need to be treated with respect.

"Who is an honorable person?" ask the Sages (Pirkei Avos 4:1). "The one who shows honor and respect to others." That is, your honor and respect does not depend on how others treat you. Rather, the more honor and respect that you express to others, the more honorable you yourself are. We all want to be treated with basic respect. And as we internalize the essential message of the Sages, we will decrease our concern about how others treat us and we will increase our concern about how we treat others.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.34, www.artscroll.com)

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#236   My Partner In Personal Growth

 

View people you are likely to quarrel with as your partners in personal growth. They are likely to make you more aware of your vulnerabilities, limitations, and mistakes. Don't let this get you down. Rather, let it serve as your coach. You now have more awareness of what you need to strengthen, fix, and keep on developing.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.36, www.artscroll.com)

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#237   From The Perspective Of Our Father, Our King

 

Viewing peace and quarrels from the perspective of our Father, our King, Creator and Sustainer of the universe, changes the way we see things. The question we will ask ourselves is "What would my Father, my King, want me to say and do right now?"

Parents want their children to get along well with each other. They find it extremely distressful if their children quarrel. And there is tremendous pleasure in seeing your children interacting harmoniously. This is a metaphor for understanding peace and quarrels from the perspective of our Father, our King.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.38, www.artscroll.com)

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#238   Pray For Peace 

 

What are you doing for peace? We can't always find magical solutions ourselves that will transform former adversaries into being great friends. But we can always pray for peace.

We can pray to find peace in our own lives. We can ask our loving Father and powerful King, Creator and Sustainer of the universe, to help us have harmonious relationships with others.

We can pray to the Almighty to help specific people we know who are involved in a quarrel to bury the hatchet and smoke a peace pipe together, metaphorically of course.

We can pray to the Almighty for peace for our People and for all the nations of the world.

Every prayer has some effect. Every prayer elevates us spiritually. Every prayer connects us with the Creator of the universe and helps us gain a much more expansive perspective.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.40, www.artscroll.com)