Daily Lift by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin

[phkrause]

#239   "How Did I Contribute?" 

 

If you are involved in a quarrel with another person, it's easy to think that it's entirely his fault. The wrong things that this person said and did are loud and clear to you. It's not easy to be aware of what you personally said or did that was wrong.

A question to keep asking yourself about any quarrel you become involved in is, "How did I contribute to this?"

Even if you feel that the other person is one hundred percent wrong, and you are one hundred percent right, you might still have said or done something that was partially a cause of the quarrel or at least a cause of it becoming as heated and bitter as it did. You might have been totally right in what you said or did and didn't have any way to know how the other person would react. By asking how you contributed, factors and patterns might emerge that you can eliminate in the future.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.42, www.artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#240   The Most Common Mistake of Outsiders 

 

One party comes over to you and tells you the negative things someone else said or did. You experience righteous anger. This person is certainly right, the other person is certainly wrong. You might tell your source, "I agree with you. He's an awful person." You might censure the other person, "You are an awful person." You might tell others, "This person is an awful person."

Did you hear both sides in the presence of each other before forming any opinion whatsoever? If not, the Torah considers what you heard as a "false report." (The Chofetz Chaim elaborates on this in his classic work. See Prohibitions, no.2)

"The map is not the territory." This basic principle of General Semantics applies to every story and report you ever hear. Details are always left out. Words describing any situation are never an exact portrait of any interaction. What was the entire context? What were the exact words that were used by both sides? What was the exact tone of voice of each segment of the interchange? Even when someone reports what he himself said with total accuracy, the tone of voice totally transforms the energy that was exchanged. What were the facial expressions? What were the intentions, motivations, and assumptions?

King Solomon compares an outsider getting involved in an argument that is not his to a passerby who pulls the ear of a dog (Proverbs 26:17). The calm dog was harmless. Pull his ear and you'll have problems. Taking sides in a quarrel that's not yours is even worse when you don't really have the entire picture. Those who impulsively take sides often don't realize how many mistakes they will be making.

Every word an outsider says to a party in a quarrel can either make the situation better or worse. Whenever someone tells you about a situation that is either already a quarrel or could easily lead to a quarrel, ask yourself, "What can I say now that will be conducive for peace?" And when the answer is, "I don't really know," keep quiet. It's a major mistake to make things worse.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.48, www.artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#241   Learn From Your Strengths And Successes 

 

We all can communicate well with some people and not equally as well with some other people. Learn from your strengths. Learn from your successes. Learn from your best moments.

Your own best moments are your best teacher. So the question to ask yourself is, "With whom do you communicate well?" What can you learn from the way you speak to those people? Very likely, the way that those people speak to you and treat you has an influence on the way that you communicate with them. Even so, awareness of what you personally do right when you speak to them can help you speak better with the people you find difficult to interact with.

Moreover, if you ever have a difficult time communicating with someone that you sometimes communicate well with, ask yourself, "What exactly did I say and do when I communicated well with this person in the past?"

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.72, www.artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#242   Mental Rehearsals 

 

Before delivering an important speech, people rehearse. Before performing before a large audience, people rehearse. When you rehearse, you build up your skills and you improve what needs improvement. When you practice excellently, those experiences are stored in your brain cells and you can access them again and again.

Before a potentially difficult encounter with someone, mentally rehearse. In your mind's eye imagine yourself getting along smoothly. See yourself remaining calm and friendly the entire time. See yourself speaking with respect and kindness to the other person. Imagine that this person will speak to you in a friendly way.

This mental exercise is a powerful tool. It works either positively or negatively. If you imagine that someone will speak and act negatively towards you, this imaging will put you in an unresourceful state, and will make it more likely that you will help create that negative reality. With equal effort you can choose to utilize it positively.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.77, www.artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#243   When It's Over, Let It Remain Over 

 

In the classic ethical work, Orchos Tzadikim (ch.21), we find stated, "If two people quarreled and afterward made peace, neither should later say to the other, ‘The reason I behaved as I did is because you did this and that to me.' Even if the person saying this does not intend to resume the quarrel, such a remark is apt to rekindle the dispute, since the other person will probably retort, ‘No, it was really your fault.'"

It's often true that after a dispute both people blame the other not only for what the other person said, but even for what they themselves have said.

"I'm not usually the type of person who speaks or acts this way. And since I did speak and act this negatively when interacting with you, it's your fault that I did so. I wouldn't have spoken this way or acted this way if it hadn't been for you."

The need to justify ourselves is strong. Even if no one else is present, we want the other person to know that he is at fault and we weren't. But we need to overcome this pattern in order to prevent the continuation of a quarrel that has already subsided.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.88, www.artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#244   You Run Your Own Broadcasting Show the Entire Day 

 

Imagine hearing this announcement when you start off each day: "Welcome to your own broadcasting show. We’re on the air today and every day. We run from this moment on, for the rest of your life. You can’t shut off the show, but you can choose what to hear. We advise you to choose wisely. Don’t be upset with yourself if the show is not proceeding the way you wish. Instead, thank your mind for working. Be nice and friendly to it. And kindly and respectfully ask your mind to give you a truly great show today. Have a fantastic day, today and every day."

If the above represents what you would like to hear on your own mental show, then you can choose it. If you would like to run a different show, just choose what you would like to hear.

Your mental broadcast can have any guest you want. What do you want your inner mental guests to say to you? What do you want them to speak about? Choose the subject that you would like your self-talk to be about, for as long as you’d like. You might want to hear a great interview with yourself and your ideals and values. You might want to hear a certain song or many songs that uplift you and help you feel good. You might want to hear a well-known story over again. This could be a story with a lesson that you really need to hear right now. It could be an inspiring story. It could even be an entertaining or a funny story.

If you find yourself broadcasting distressful ideas and thoughts, you can switch to uplifting and joyous ones. You can give yourself messages of hope right now and at any time you choose.

When you listen to recordings of speakers or speeches you like, you can be grateful for the opportunity to add their messages to your own mental library. Once those recordings are stored in your brain, you can access them as often as you like.

Be grateful to the Creator of your mind and your life for giving you your own broadcasting show. The quality of your life depends on the quality of your inner broadcasting show. Keep raising the quality of what you say to yourself, and you will live a happier life, full of self-development and self-empowerment.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book: "Conversations With Yourself", pp.185) [Artscroll.com])

[phkrause]

#245   Setbacks are Part of the Process;

 

When you try to make peace, either for yourself or between two other people, expect setbacks. They are part of the process.

Many people are happy, even excited, to make peace when they see steady progress. Even if progress is slow, they are patient. But when they are faced with setbacks, they easily give up. When you realize that setbacks are an integral part of making progress, you realize that this is just another step that you have to make. It's like climbing a mountain path. The path doesn't always go straight up. At times it goes around the right and at times it goes around the left but the focus is on eventually getting to the destination. And therefore even if part of the path seems to be descending, it is a descent for the sake of ascent. This, too, is getting you closer to where you want to end up.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.109, artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#246   Seeing Each Others Pain

 

When people are in emotional pain, they tend to speak and act in ways that sound angry and aggressive. And if you, too, are in emotional pain, you are likely to speak to the other person in ways that he will perceive as angry and aggressive. Each person adds to the emotional pain of the other, and the distress of everyone involved keeps increasing.

When you are calm, it's easier to see the emotional pain of others. That is when you can build up your attribute of compassion. The goal is to have so much compassion that even when you personally are experiencing emotional pain, you are able to be sensitive to the emotional pain of the person with whom you are interacting.

Coming from a place of compassion you will be able to address the thoughts and feelings of the other person in a way that alleviates his distress. Then he is more likely to speak and act more sensibly and reasonably towards you.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.130, artscroll.com)

[phkrause]

#247   Snatch Growth From the Jaws of Defeat

 

"Everything in life serves as a challenge and test to elevate us" (Path of the Just, ch.1). For those who develop a comprehensive spiritual awareness there is not a major difference between victory and defeat. Both are potentially elevating tests. It's not the external event that counts. Rather, it's your growing from this event.

Defeat is your opportunity to speak and act in ways that express your awareness that the purpose of life is to connect with the Creator in this world and for all eternity. Although the defeat will have an effect on your present emotional state, ultimately your spirit will be raised.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's "Happiness",p.206)

[phkrause]

#248   End With Sincere Praise 

 

A principle for "kind" living is to leave people feeling better about themselves as a result of having met you.

Ask yourself: "What can I say to this person to give him a positive feeling?"

Be sincere in what you say. The goal is not to flatter or to give people a false sense of having attributes they are missing. Rather the goal is to keep on developing your own "good eye" to see the positive in each person.

When you develop positive feelings about others, what you say makes them feel good, as does how you say it -- i.e. with a kind look on your face and a smile.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book Kindness)

[phkrause]

#249   Needlessly Limiting Yourself 

 

Many people needlessly limit themselves in important ways. They don’t fully develop their character traits, feel more joyful, accomplish more, do more good in the world, study and know more, or have a greater positive influence on more people.

With positive self-conversations, recognizing self-imposed limitations can greatly enhance one’s life. This can lead to inspiring and joy-creating self-talk.

"If I am needlessly limiting myself now, that means I can choose to be more and do more and know more and accomplish more! This is tremendously motivating. This thought will give me greater drive and energy. I can experience great joy because I have more abilities and potential than I had realized!"

Developing ourselves to be more and do more makes our journey through life exciting and inspiring. The more we develop ourselves, the more we learn that we have even greater potential than we had thought.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book: "Conversations With Yourself", pp.194-5) [Artscroll.com])

[phkrause]

#250   Curb Verbal Abuse

 

Speaking hurtfully to someone is worse than hitting him. When you hit someone, you affect his body. But words go much deeper.

Moreover, bruises eventually heal. But the negative effects of words may never heal.

If you see someone causing other people pain with words, speak up. Respectfully and courteously tell them that hurting people with words is a crime.

And of course, be careful with your own speech - even when you may be angry.

(see Vilna Gaon - Proverbs 18:8; Rabbi Pliskin - "Consulting the Wise")

[phkrause]

#251   We Control our Response

 

To a great extent, we create the world in which we live. While many events are beyond our control and we are unable to have a direct influence on them, to a large degree we still have the ability to control our attitudes towards any given situation. Hence, the emotional consequences of events is largely up to us.

It is unrealistic to expect perfect control, but anyone who works calmly and persistently on his thoughts will be able to improve.

(see Gateway to Happiness, pp.48-9)

[phkrause]

#252   Don't Be Future Tense

 

It is not humanly possible for a person to prepare his future exactly as he would like it to be. No person can possibly figure out in advance all the myriad possibilities of what might happen in the future. It is not worthwhile to give excessive thought about what will occur in the future. Who can be certain how events will turn out? What now appears as good, can be the source of misfortune. Conversely, what you consider bad can eventually be the source of happiness. Every single person can verify the truth of this statement from daily events he is aware of.

(Rabbi Yosef Leib Bloch - Shiurai Daas, vol.3, p.62; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.148)

[phkrause]

#253   Awareness Of God Decreases Anxiety 

 

The most prevalent illness of our generation is excessive anxiety. This subject has been dealt with at length by the philosophers and psychologists of modern times. Anxiety flourishes where there is a lack of awareness of the Almighty.

Awareness of God decreases anxiety, as it says: "The Almighty is my source of salvation. I will trust, and not be afraid" (Isaiah 12:2).

(Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe; Shalhevesya, p.55; Rabbi Pliskin's Gateway to Happiness, p.165)

[phkrause]

#254   Live Totally In The Present

 

Most of the thoughts that rob one of serenity have to do with being upset about the past and feeling anxious about the future. When you master the ability to live totally in the present and you are able to be calm about that present, you will have mastered serenity. One needs to plan ahead. This is one definition of a wise person. Do so serenely in the present.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, Serenity, p.48)

[phkrause]

#255   Courage To Face The Unknown

 

We all need to deal with the unknown. It's just a matter of degree. When we wake up in the morning, it's impossible to know how the day will turn out. True, some people's lives are more routine than others, but even they are facing the unknown.

View making major moves as a courage-development seminar. This applies when you change schools, change jobs, move to a new location, and everything similar.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book, "Courage")

[phkrause]

#256   Protect Peoples' Honor

 

The most important foundation of Torah living is to honor and respect the Creator of the universe. When you fulfill His commands, you are actively demonstrating honor for Him.

This is why Judaism considers humiliating another person a most serious crime. When you embarrass someone, you are doing much more than just causing pain. You are attacking his dignity. Recognizing the dignity of human beings is part and parcel of the honor and respect one owes to the Almighty.

When you understand this properly, your every encounter will be based on this inner respect. You will treat each human being with the respect of royalty. As Ben Azai says in the Talmud (Yerushalmi Nedorim 9:4): "'When G-d created man, He created him in His image' (Genesis 5:1) is the most important principle in the Torah."

Today, resolve that if you ever see someone trying to humiliate another person, you will speak up. You might say, "This person is special. Please be careful with his dignity."

(see Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz - Daas Chochmah Umussar, vol.2, pp.34-5)

[phkrause]

#257   Learn from your Spouse's Response 

 

Recall times in the past when you brought out the best in your spouse. How did you talk then? What did you do? Learning from what has already worked well, will enable you to more likely replicate similar patterns now and in the future.

(From Rabbi Pliskin's book "Marriage", Chapter One, p.29)

[phkrause]

#258   Train According To His Nature 

 

A person cannot break his inborn personality. But everyone has free will to choose how he will act within the basic structure of his personality. Whether you will be righteous, evil, or average - it's up to you!

As the Talmud (Shabbos 56a) states: A person born with a tendency to shed blood makes his own choice as to whether he will draw blood for healing, or as a robber, or as a butcher, or as a mohel (ritual circumciser). That is, the choice of how to express your basic personality is the key factor in determining your greatness (or lack thereof).

King Solomon (Proverbs 22:6) instructs us to "train children according to their individual natures." When your approach is in alignment with the child's personality, he will continue in this positive path his entire life. If, however, you try to force the child (or anyone, for that matter) to act in a way that is inconsistent with his basic nature, he might listen superficially out of fear. But as soon as he can escape your authority, he will turn away from what you have taught him.

This concept is so valuable, that it is worth reading it five times - to internalize and remember it.

(see Vilna Gaon - Proverbs 22:6; Rabbi Pliskin - "Consulting the Wise")

[phkrause]

#259   Don't Be Swayed From Your Goals 

 

Be crystal clear on your main goals in life. Then, when a situation arises that might disturb your peace of mind, ask yourself, "How does this impact those goals?"

When you realize this present situation does not have a major effect on what is really important, the problem will shrink in significance and your peace of mind will be restored.

Try it today.

(see Gateway to Happiness, p.77)

[phkrause]

#260   What Does Life Want From You?

 

Viktor Frankl, a Jewish physician who spent the years of the Second World War in the concentration camps at Auschwitz and Dachau, related, "I remember my dilemma in a concentration camp when faced with a man and a woman who were close to suicide; both had told me that they expected nothing more from life. I asked both my fellow prisoners whether the question was really what we expected from life. Was it not, rather, what life was expecting from us? I suggested that life was awaiting something from them."

The person who feels despair and discouragement is asking the wrong question. He asks what the world is giving him. As soon as he changes his question to what is the good that he can do, he will always be able to find an answer.

(Gateway to Happiness, p.374)

[phkrause]

#261   How Can I Do Even Better 

 

"How can I do even better?" is a valuable self-talk question that can help you improve all areas of your life, especially after making a mistake. Asking this question is much better than excessively obsessing over mistakes, because it will help you improve.

Develop the habit of consistently asking, "How can I do even better?" Even after a tremendous success, we can ask ourselves, "How can I do even better next time?" Those who constantly ask this question will constantly improve.

There is a well-known saying: "We learn from experience." Let’s reword this slightly: "We have the potential to learn from experience."

Some people have a lot of experiences, but they don’t learn from them. They just repeat the same patterns over and over again. However, a person who keeps asking himself, "How can I do even better next time?" will learn from each experience.

(from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book: "Conversations With Yourself", pp.204-5) [Artscroll.com])

[phkrause]

#262   Win Without Being Agressive 

 

Some people feel that they can accomplish only by being aggressive. But wisdom combined with love and compassion is much more powerful and effective.

(For a series of probing questions on this topic, see Rabbi Pliskin's "Gateway to Self Knowledge,"pp.106)

[phkrause]

#263   Best Way To Overcome Desires 

 

The best way to overcome physical desires is to seek pleasure in spiritual matters.

(Ohr Yohail, vol. 2, p.5: Gateway to Happiness, p.358)